robert falconer-第53章

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which　time；　without　a　single　care　to　trouble　him　from　without；

Robert　was　in　the　very　desert　of　desolation。　　His　spirits　sank

fearfully。　　He　would　pass　his　old　music…master　in　the　street　with

scarce　a　recognition；　as　if　the　bond　of　their　relation　had　been

utterly　broken；　had　vanished　in　the　smoke　of　the　martyred　violin；

and　all　their　affection　had　gone　into　the　dust…heap　of　the　past。



Dooble　Sanny's　character　did　not　improve。　　He　took　more　and　more

whisky；　his　bouts　of　drinking　alternating　as　before　with　fits　of

hopeless　repentance。　　His　work　was　more　neglected　than　ever；　and　his

wife　having　no　money　to　spend　even　upon　necessaries；　applied　in

desperation　to　her　husband's　bottle　for　comfort。　　This　comfort；　to

do　him　justice；　he　never　grudged　her；　and　sometimes　before　midday

they　would　both　be　drunka　condition　expedited　by　the　lack　of　food。

When　they　began　to　recover；　they　would　quarrel　fiercely；　and　at

last　they　became　a　nuisance　to　the　whole　street。　　Little　did　the

whisky…hating　old　lady　know　to　what　god　she　had　really　offered　up

that　violinif　the　consequences　of　the　holocaust　can　be　admitted　as

indicating　the　power　which　had　accepted　it。



But　now　began　to　appear　in　Robert　the　first　signs　of　a　practical

outcome　of　such　truth　as　his　grandmother　had　taught　him；　operating

upon　the　necessities　of　a　simple　and　earnest　nature。　　Reality；

however　lapt　in　vanity；　or　even　in　falsehood；　cannot　lose　its　power。

It　isthe　other　is　not。　　She　had　taught　him　to　look　upthat　there

was　a　God。　He　would　put　it　to　the　test。　　Not　that　he　doubted　it　yet：

he　only　doubted　whether　there　was　a　hearing　God。　But　was　not　that

worse？　　It　was；　I　think。　　For　it　is　of　far　more　consequence　what

kind　of　a　God；　than　whether　a　God　or　no。　　Let　not　my　reader　suppose

I　think　it　possible　there　could　be　other　than　a　perfect

Godperfecteven　to　the　vision　of　his　creatures；　the　faith　that

supplies　the　lack　of　vision　being　yet　faithful　to　that　vision。　　I

speak　from　Robert's　point　of　outlook。　　But；　indeed；　whether　better

or　worse　is　no　great　matter；　so　long　as　he　would　see　it　or　what

there　was。　　He　had　no　comfort；　and；　without　reasoning　about　it；　he

felt　that　life　ought　to　have　comfortfrom　which　point　he　began　to

conclude　that　the　only　thing　left　was　to　try　whether　the　God　in　whom

his　grandmother　believed　might　not　help　him。　　If　the　God　would　but

hear　him；　it　was　all　he　had　yet　learned　to　require　of　his　Godhood。

And　that　must　ever　be　the　first　thing　to　require。　　More　demands

would　come；　and　greater　answers　he　would　find。　　But　nowif　God

would　but　hear　him！　　If　he　spoke　to　him　but　one　kind　word；　it　would

be　the　very　soul　of　comfort；　he　could　no　more　be　lonely。　　A　fountain

of　glad　imaginations　gushed　up　in　his　heart　at　the　thought。　　What

if；　from　the　cold　winter　of　his　life；　he　had　but　to　open　the　door　of

his　garret…room；　and；　kneeling　by　the　bare　bedstead；　enter　into　the

summer　of　God's　presence！　　What　if　God　spoke　to　him　face　to　face！

He　had　so　spoken　to　Moses。　　He　sought　him　from　no　fear　of　the

future；　but　from　present　desolation；　and　if　God　came　near　to　him；　it

would　not　be　with　storm　and　tempest；　but　with　the　voice　of　a　friend。

And　surely；　if　there　was　a　God　at　all；　that　is；　not　a　power　greater

than　man；　but　a　power　by　whose　power　man　was；　he　must　hear　the　voice

of　the　creature　whom　he　had　made；　a　voice　that　came　crying　out　of

the　very　need　which　he　had　created。　　Younger　people　than　Robert　are

capable　of　such　divine　metaphysics。　　Hence　he　continued　to　disappear

from　his　grandmother's　parlour　at　much　the　same　hour　as　before。　　In

the　cold；　desolate　garret；　he　knelt　and　cried　out　into　that　which

lay　beyond　the　thought　that　cried；　the　unknowable　infinite；　after

the　God　that　may　be　known　as　surely　as　a　little　child　knows　his

mysterious　mother。　　And　from　behind　him；　the　pale…blue；　star…crowded

sky　shone　upon　his　head；　through　the　window　that　looked　upwards

only。



Mrs。　Falconer　saw　that　he　still　went　away　as　he　had　been　wont；　and

instituted　observations；　the　result　of　which　was　the　knowledge　that

he　went　to　his　own　room。　　Her　heart　smote　her；　and　she　saw　that　the

boy　looked　sad　and　troubled。　　There　was　scarce　room　in　her　heart　for

increase　of　love；　but　much　for　increase　of　kindness；　and　she　did

increase　it。　　In　truth；　he　needed　the　smallest　crumb　of　comfort　that

might　drop　from　the　table　of　God's　'feastful　friends。'



Night　after　night　he　returned　to　the　parlour　cold　to　the　very　heart。

God　was　not　to　be　found；　he　said　then。　　He　said　afterwards　that

even　then　'God　was　with　him　though　he　knew　it　not。'



For　the　very　first　night；　the　moment　that　he　knelt　and　cried；　'O

Father　in　heaven；　hear　me；　and　let　thy　face　shine　upon　me'like　a

flash　of　burning　fire　the　words　shot　from　the　door　of　his　heart：　'I

dinna　care　for　him　to　love　me；　gin　he　doesna　love　ilka　body；'　and　no

more　prayer　went　from　the　desolate　boy　that　night；　although　he　knelt

an　hour　of　agony　in　the　freezing　dark。　　Loyal　to　what　he　had　been

taught；　he　struggled　hard　to　reduce　his　rebellious　will　to　what　he

supposed　to　be　the　will　of　God。　It　was　all　in　vain。　　Ever　a　voice

within　himsurely　the　voice　of　that　God　who　he　thought　was　not

hearingtold　him　that　what　he　wanted　was　the　love　belonging　to　his

human　nature；　his　human　needsnot　the　preference　of　a

court…favourite。　　He　had　a　dim　consciousness　that　he　would　be　a

traitor　to　his　race　if　he　accepted　a　love；　even　from　God；　given　him

as　an　exception　from　his　kind。　　But　he　did　not　care　to　have　such　a

love。　　It　was　not　what　his　heart　yearned　for。　　It　was　not　love。　　He

could　not　love　such　a　love。　　Yet　he　strove　against　it　allfought

for　religion　against　right　as　he　could；　struggled　to　reduce　his

rebellious　feelings；　to　love　that　which　was　unlovely；　to　choose　that

which　was　abhorrent；　until　nature　almost　gave　way　under　the　effort。

Often　would　he　sink　moaning　on　the　floor；　or　stretch　himself　like　a

corpse；　save　that　it　was　face　downwards；　on　the　boards　of　the

bedstead。　　Night　after　night　he　returned　to　the　battle；　but　with　no

permanent　success。　　What　a　success　that　would　have　been！　　Night

after　night　he　came　pale　and　worn　from　the　conflict；　found　his

grandmother　and　Shargar　composed；　and　in　the　quietness　of　despair

sat　down　beside　them　to　his　Latin　version。



He　little　thought；　that　every　night；　at　the　moment　when　he　stirred

to　leave　the　upper　room；　a　pale…faced；　red…eyed　figure　rose　from　its

seat　on　the　top　of　the　stair　by　the　door；　and　sped　with　long…legged

noiselessness　to　resume　its　seat　by　the　grandmother　before　he　should

enter。　　Shargar　saw　that　Robert　was　unhappy；　and　the　nearest　he

could　come　to　the　sharing　of　his　unhappiness　was　to　take　his　place

outside　the　door　within　which　he　had　retreated。　　Little；　too；　did

Shargar；　on　his　part；　think　that　Robert；　without　knowing　it；　was

pleading　for　him　insidepleading　for　him　and　for　all　his　race　in

the　weeping　that　would　not　be　comforted。



Robert　had　not　the　vaguest　fancy　that　God　was　with　himthe　spirit

of　the　Father　groaning　with　the　spirit　of　the　boy　in　intercession

that　could　not　be　uttered。　　If　God　had　come　to　him　then　and

comforted　him　with　the　assurance　of　individual　favourbut　the　very

supposition　is　a　taking　of　his　name　in　vainhad　Robert　found

comfort　in　the　fancied　assurance　that　God　was　his　friend　in

especial；　that　some　private　favour　was　granted　to　his　prayers；　that；

indeed；　would　have　been　to　be　left　to　his　own　inventions；　to　bring

forth　not　fruits　meet　for　repentance；　but　fruits　for　which

repentance　alone　is　meet。　　But　God　was　with　him；　and　was　indeed

victorious　in　the　boy　when　he　rose　from　his　knees；　for　the　last

time；　as　he　thought；　saying；　'I　cannot　yieldI　will　pray　no

more。'With　a　burst　of　bitter　tears　he　sat　down　on　the　bedside　till

the　loudest　of　the　storm　was　over；　then　dried　his　dull　eyes；　in

which　the　old　outlook　had　withered　away；　and　trod　unknowingly　in　the

silent　footsteps　of　Shargar；　who　was　ever　one　corner　in　advance　of

him；　down　to　the　dreary　l