robert falconer-第146章

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so：　'Where　would　your　free　will　have　been　if　at　some　period　of　your

life　you　could　have　had　everything　you　wanted？'　　If　he　says　it　is

nobler　in　a　man　to　do　with　less　help；　I　answer；　'Andrew　was　not

noble：　was　he　therefore　to　be　forsaken？　　The　prodigal　was　not　left

without　the　help　of　the　swine　and　their　husks；　at　once　to　keep　him

alive　and　disgust　him　with　the　life。　　Is　the　less　help　a　man　has

from　God　the　better？'　　According　to　you；　the　grandest　thing　of　all

would　be　for　a　man　sunk　in　the　absolute　abysses　of　sensuality　all　at

once　to　resolve　to　be　pure　as　the　empyrean；　and　be　so；　without　help

from　God　or　man。　　But　is　the　thing　possible？　　As　well　might　a　hyena

say：　I　will　be　a　man；　and　become　one。　　That　would　be　to　create。

Andrew　must　be　kept　from　the　evil　long　enough　to　let　him　at　least

see　the　good；　before　he　was　let　alone。　　But　when　would　we　be　let

alone？　　For　a　man　to　be　fit　to　be　let　alone；　is　for　a　man　not　to

need　God；　but　to　be　able　to　live　without　him。　　Our　hearts　cry　out；

'To　have　God　is　to　live。　　We　want　God。　Without　him　no　life　of　ours

is　worth　living。　　We　are　not　then　even　human；　for　that　is　but　the

lower　form　of　the　divine。　　We　are　immortal；　eternal：　fill　us；　O

Father；　with　thyself。　　Then　only　all　is　well。'　　More：　I　heartily

believe；　though　I　cannot　understand　the　boundaries　of　will　and

inspiration；　that　what　God　will　do　for　us　at　last　is　infinitely

beyond　any　greatness　we　could　gain；　even　if　we　could　will　ourselves

from　the　lowest　we　could　be；　into　the　highest　we　can　imagine。　　It　is

essential　divine　life　we　want；　and　there　is　grand　truth；　however

incomplete　or　perverted；　in　the　aspiration　of　the　Brahmin。　　He　is

wrong；　but　he　wants　something　right。　　If　the　man　had　the　power　in

his　pollution　to　will　himself　into　the　right　without　God；　the　fact

that　he　was　in　that　pollution　with　such　power；　must　damn　him　there

for　ever。　　And　if　God　must　help　ere　a　man　can　be　saved；　can　the　help

of　man　go　too　far　towards　the　same　end？　　Let　God　solve　the

mysteryfor　he　made　it。　　One　thing　is　sure：　We　are　his；　and　he　will

do　his　part；　which　is　no　part　but　the　all　in　all。　　If　man　could　do

what　in　his　wildest　self…worship　he　can　imagine；　the　grand　result

would　be　that　he　would　be　his　own　God；　which　is　the　Hell　of　Hells。



For　some　time　I　had　to　give　Falconer　what　aid　I　could　in　being　with

his　father　while　he　arranged　matters　in　prospect　of　their　voyage　to

India。　　Sometimes　he　took　him　with　him　when　he　went　amongst　his

people；　as　he　called　the　poor　he　visited。　　Sometimes；　when　he　wanted

to　go　alone；　I　had　to　take　him　to　Miss　St。　John；　who　would　play　and

sing　as　I　had　never　heard　any　one　play　or　sing　before。　　Andrew　on

such　occasions　carried　his　flute　with　him；　and　the　result　of　the　two

was　something　exquisite。　　How　Miss　St。　John　did　lay　herself　out　to

please　the　old　man！　　And　pleased　he　was。　　I　think　her　kindness　did

more　than　anything　else　to　make　him　feel　like　a　gentleman　again。

And　in　his　condition　that　was　much。



At　length　Falconer　would　sometimes　leave　him　with　Miss　St。　John；

till　he　or　I　should　go　for　him：　he　knew　she　could　keep　him　safe。　　He

knew　that　she　would　keep　him　if　necessary。



One　evening　when　I　went　to　see　Falconer；　I　found　him　alone。　　It　was

one　of　these　occasions。



'I　am　very　glad　you　have　come；　Gordon；'　he　said。　'I　was　wanting　to

see　you。　　I　have　got　things　nearly　ready　now。　　Next　month；　or　at

latest；　the　one　after；　we　shall　sail；　and　I　have　some　business　with

you　which　had　better　be　arranged　at　once。　　No　one　knows　what　is

going　to　happen。　　The　man　who　believes　the　least　in　chance　knows　as

little　as　the　man　who　believes　in　it　the　most。　　My　will　is　in　the

hands　of　Dobson。　　I　have　left　you　everything。'



I　was　dumb。



'Have　you　any　objection？'　he　said；　a　little　anxiously。



'Am　I　able　to　fulfil　the　conditions？'　　I　faltered。



'I　have　burdened　you　with　no　conditions；'　he　returned。　'I　don't

believe　in　conditions。　　I　know　your　heart　and　mind　now。　　I　trust　you

perfectly。'



'I　am　unworthy　of　it。'



'That　is　for　me　to　judge。'



'Will　you　have　no　trustees？'



'Not　one。'



'What　do　you　want　me　to　do　with　your　property？'



'You　know　well　enough。　　Keep　it　going　the　right　way。'



'I　will　always　think　what　you　would　like。'



'No；　do　not。　　Think　what　is　right；　and　where　there　is　no　right　or

wrong　plain　in　itself；　then　think　what　is　best。　　You　may　see　good

reason　to　change　some　of　my　plans。　　You　may　be　wrong；　but　you　must

do　what　you　see　rightnot　what　I　see　or　might　see　right。'



'But　there　is　no　need　to　talk　so　seriously　about　it；'　I　said。　'You

will　manage　it　yourself　for　many　years　yet。　　Make　me　your　steward；

if　you　like；　during　your　absence：　I　will　not　object　to　that。'



'You　do　not　object　to　the　other；　I　hope？'



'No。'



'Then　so　let　it　be。　　The　other；　of　course。　　I　have；　being　a　lawyer

myself；　taken　good　care　not　to　trust　myself　only　with　the　arranging

of　these　matters。　　I　think　you　will　find　them　all　right。'



'But　supposing　you　should　not　returnyou　have　compelled　me　to　make

the　supposition'



'Of　course。　　Go　on。'



'What　am　I　to　do　with　the　money　in　the　prospect　of　following　you？'



'Ah！　that　is　the　one　point　on　which　I　want　a　word；　although　I　do　not

think　it　is　necessary。　　I　want　to　entail　the　property。'



'How？'



'By　word　of　mouth；'　he　answered；　laughing。　'You　must　look　out　for　a

right　man；　as　I　have　done；　get　him　to　know　your　ways　and　ideas；　and

if　you　find　him　worthythat　is　a　grand　wide　wordour　Lord　gave　it

to　his　disciplesleave　it　all　to　him　in　the　same　way　I　have　left　it

to　you；　trusting　to　the　spirit　of　truth　that　is　in　him；　the　spirit

of　God。　You　can　copy　my　willas　far　as　it　will　apply；　for　you　may

have；　one　way　or　another；　lost　the　half　of　it　by　that　time。　　But；　by

word　of　mouth；　you　must　make　the　same　condition　with　him　as　I　have

made　with　youthat　is；　with　regard　to　his　leaving　it；　and　the

conditions　on　which　he　leaves　it；　adding　the　words；　〃that　it　may

descend　thus　in　perpetuum。〃　　And　he　must　do　the　same。'



He　broke　into　a　quiet　laugh。　　I　knew　well　enough　what　he　meant。　　But

he　added：



'That　means；　of　course；　for　as　long　as　there　is　any。'



'Are　you　sure　you　are　doing　right；　Falconer？'　　I　said。



'Quite。　　It　is　better　to　endow　one　man；　who　will　work　as　the　Father

works；　than　a　hundred　charities。　　But　it　is　time　I　went　to　fetch　my

father。　　Will　you　go　with　me？'



This　was　all　that　passed　between　us　on　the　subject；　save　that；　on

our　way；　he　told　me　to　move　to　his　rooms；　and　occupy　them　until　he

returned。



'My　papers；'　he　added；　'I　commit　to　your　discretion。'



On　our　way　back　from　Queen　Square；　he　joked　and　talked　merrily。

Andrew　joined　in。　　Robert　showed　himself　delighted　with　every

attempt　at　gaiety　or　wit　that　Andrew　made。　　When　we　reached　the

house；　something　that　had　occurred　on　the　way　made　him　turn　to

Martin　Chuzzlewit；　and　he　read　Mrs。　Gamp's　best　to　our　great

enjoyment。



I　went　down　with　the　two　to　Southampton；　to　see　them　on　board　the

steamer。　　I　staid　with　them　there　until　she　sailed。　　It　was　a　lovely

morning　in　the　end　of　April；　when　at　last　I　bade　them　farewell　on

the　quarter…deck。　　My　heart　was　full。　　I　took　his　hand　and　kissed

it。　　He　put　his　arms　round　me；　and　laid　his　cheek　to　mine。　　I　was

strong　to　bear　the　parting。



The　great　iron　steamer　went　down　in　the　middle　of　the　Atlantic；　and

I　have　not　yet　seen　my　friend　again。









CHAPTER　XXI。



IN　EXPECTATIONE。



I　had　left　my　lodging　and　gone　to　occupy　Falconer's　till　his　return。

There；　on　a　side…table　among　other　papers；　I　found　the　following

verses。　　The　manuscript　was　much　scored　and　interlined；　but　more

than　decipherable；　for　he　always　wrote　plainly。　　I　copied　them　out

fair；　and　here　they　are　for　the　reader　that　loves　him。



Twilight　is　near；　and　the　day　grows　old；

　　The　spiders　of　care　are　weaving　their　net；

All　night　'twill　be　blowing　and　rainy　and　cold；

　　I　cower