the queen of hearts-第89章
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letting other people see her in tears。
March 5th。 A fright about Mary。 I had not seen her all day； as
she does not work at the same place where I do； and in the
evening she never came down to have tea with me； or sent me word
to go to her； so； just before I went to bed； I ran upstairs to
say good…night。
She did not answer when I knocked； and when I stepped softly in
the room I saw her in bed； asleep； with her work not half done；
lying about the room in the untidiest way。 There was nothing
remarkable in that； and I was just going away on tiptoe； when a
tiny bottle and wine…glass on the chair by her bedside caught my
eye。 I thought she was ill and had been taking physic； and looked
at the bottle。 It was marked in large letters；
〃LaudanumPoison。〃
My heart gave a jump as if it was going to fly out of me。 I laid
hold of her with both hands； and shook her with all my might。 She
was sleeping heavily； and woke slowly； as it seemed to mebut
still she did wake。 I tried to pull her out of bed； having heard
that people ought to be always walked up and down when they have
taken laudanum but she resisted； and pushed me away violently。
〃Anne！〃 says she； in a fright。 〃For gracious sake； what's come to
you！ Are you out of your senses？〃
〃Oh； Mary！ Mary！〃 says I； holding up the bottle before her； 〃if I
hadn't come in when I did〃 And I laid hold of her to shake her
again。
She looked puzzled at me for a momentthen smiled （the first
time I had seen her do so for many a long day）then put her arms
round my neck。
〃Don't be frightened about me； Anne；〃 she says； 〃I am not worth
it； and there is no need。〃
〃No need！〃 says I； out of breath〃no need； when the bottle has
got Poison marked on it！〃
〃Poison； dear； if you take it all；〃 says Mary； looking at me very
tenderly； 〃and a night's rest if you only take a little。〃
I watched her for a moment； doubtful whether I ought to believe
what she said or to alarm the house。 But there was no sleepiness
now in her eyes； and nothing drowsy in her voice； and she sat up
in bed quite easily； without anything to support her。
〃You have given me a dreadful fright； Mary；〃 says I； sitting down
by her in the chair； and beginning by this time to feel rather
faint after being startled so。
She jumped out of bed to get me a drop of water； and kissed me；
and said how sorry she was； and how undeserving of so much
interest being taken in her。 At the same time； she tried to
possess herself of the laudanum bottle which I still kept cuddled
up tight in my own hands。
〃No；〃 says I。 〃You have got into a low…spirited； despairing way。
I won't trust you with it。〃
〃I am afraid I can't do without it；〃 says Mary； in her usual
quiet； hopeless voice。 〃What with work that I can't get through
as I ought； and troubles that I can't help thinking of； sleep
won't come to me unless I take a few drops out of that bottle。
Don't keep it away from me； Anne； it's the only thing in the
world that makes me forget myself。〃
〃Forget yourself！〃 says I。 〃You have no right to talk in that
way； at your age。 There's something horrible in the notion of a
girl of eighteen sleeping with a bottle of laudanum by her
bedside every night。 We all of us have our troubles。 Haven't I
got mine？〃
〃You can do twice the work I can； twice as well as me；〃 says
Mary。 〃You are never scolded and rated at for awkwardness with
your needle； and I always am。 You can pay for your room every
week； and I am three weeks in debt for mine。〃
〃A little more practice；〃 says I； 〃and a little more courage； and
you will soon do better。 You have got all your life before you〃
〃I wish I was at the end of it；〃 says she； breaking in。 〃I am
alone in the world； and my life's no good to me。〃
〃You ought to be ashamed of yourself for saying so；〃 says I。
〃Haven't you got me for a friend？ Didn't I take a fancy to you
when first you left your step…mother and came to lodge in this
house？ And haven't I been sisters with you ever since？ Suppose
you are alone in the world； am I much better off？ I'm an orphan
like you。 I've almost as many things in pawn as you； and； if your
pockets are empty； mine have only got ninepence in them； to last
me for all the rest of the week。〃
〃Your father and mother were honest people；〃 says Mary；
obstinately。 〃My mother ran away from home； and died in a
hospital。 My father was always drunk； and always beating me。 My
step…mother is as good as dead； for all she cares about me。 My
only brother is thousands of miles away in fore ign parts； and
never writes to me； and never helps me with a farthing。 My
sweetheart〃
She stopped； and the red flew into her face。 I knew； if she went
on that way； she would only get to the saddest part of her sad
story； and give both herself and me unnecessary pain。
〃_My_ sweetheart is too poor to marry me； Mary；〃 I said； 〃so I'm
not so much to be envied even there。 But let's give over
disputing which is worst off。 Lie down in bed； and let me tuck
you up。 I'll put a stitch or two into that work of yours while
you go to sleep。〃
Instead of doing what I told her； she burst out crying （being
very like a child in some of her ways）； and hugged me so tight
round the neck that she quite hurt me。 I let her go on till she
had worn herself out； and was obliged to lie down。 Even then； her
last few words before she dropped off to sleep were such as I was
half sorry； half frightened to hear。
〃I won't plague you long； Anne；〃 she said。 〃I haven't courage to
go out of the world as you seem to fear I shall； but I began my
life wretchedly； and wretchedly I am sentenced to end it。〃
It was of no use lecturing her again； for she closed her eyes。
I tucked her up as neatly as I could； and put her petticoat over
her； for the bedclothes were scanty； and her hands felt cold。 She
looked so pretty and delicate as she fell asleep that it quite
made my heart ache to see her； after such talk as we had held
together。 I just waited long enough to be quite sure that she was
in the land of dreams； then emptied the horrible laudanum bottle
into the grate； took up her half…done work； and； going out
softly； left her for that night。
March 6th。 Sent off a long letter to Robert； begging and
entreating him not to be so down…hearted； and not to leave
America without making another effort。 I told him I could bear
any trial except the wretchedness of seeing him come back a
helpless； broken…down man； trying uselessly to begin life again
when too old for a change。
It was not till after I had posted my own letter； and read over
part of Robert's again； that the suspicion suddenly floated
across me； for the first time； that he might have sailed for
England immediately after writing to me。 There were expressions
in the letter which seemed to indicate that he had some such
headlong project in his mind。 And yet； surely； if it were so； I
ought to have noticed them at the first reading。 I can only hope
I am wrong in my present interpretation of much of what he has
written to mehope it earnestly for both our sakes。
This has been a doleful day for me。 I have been uneasy about
Robert and uneasy about Mary。 My mind is haunted by those last
words of hers： 〃I began my life wretchedly； and wretchedly I am
sentenced to end it。〃 Her usual melancholy way of talking never
produced the same impression on me that I feel now。 Perhaps the
discovery of the laudanum…bottle is the cause of this。 I would
give many a hard day's work to know what to do for Mary's good。
My heart warmed to her when we first met in the same
lodging…house two years ago； and； although I am not one of the
over…affectionate sort myself； I feel as if I could go to the
world's end to serve that girl。 Yet； strange to say； if I was
asked why I was so fond of her； I don't think I should know how
to answer the question。
March 7th。 I am almost ashamed to write it down； even in this
journal； which no eyes but mine ever look on； yet I must honestly
confess to myself that here I am； at nearly one in the morning；
sitting up in a state of serious uneasiness because Mary has not
yet come home。
I walked with her this morning to the place where she works； and
tried to lead her into talki
