the story of an african farm-第60章

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they　would　have　been　living　beings　to　me；　but　here；　where　there　were　so

many　people　about　me；　I　wanted　some　one　to　belong　to　me。　　I　was　lonely。　　I

wanted　something　that　was　flesh　and　blood。　　Once　on　this　farm　there　came　a

stranger；　I　did　not　ask　his　name；　but　he　sat　among　the　karoo　and　talked

with　me。　　Now；　wherever　I　have　travelled　I　have　looked　for　himin　hotels；

in　streets；　in　passenger　wagons　as　they　rushed　in；　through　the　open　windows

of　houses　I　have　looked　for　him；　but　I　have　not　found　himnever　heard　a

voice　like　his。　　One　day　I　went　to　the　Botanic　Gardens。　　It　was　a　half…

holiday；　and　the　band　was　to　play。　　I　stood　in　the　long　raised　avenue　and

looked　down。　　There　were　many　flowers；　and　ladies　and　children　were　walking

about　beautifully　dressed。　　At　last　the　music　began。　　I　had　not　heard　such

music　before。



〃At　first　it　was　slow　and　even；　like　the　everyday　life；　when　we　walk

through　it　without　thought　or　feeling；　then　it　grew　faster；　then　it　paused；

hesitated；　then　it　was　quite　still　for　an　instant；　and　then　it　burst　out。　

Lyndall；　they　made　heaven　right　when　they　made　it　all　music。　　It　takes　you

up　and　carries　you　away；　away；　till　you　have　the　things　you　longed　for；　you

are　up　close　to　them。　　You　have　got　out　into　a　large；　free；　open　place。　　I

could　not　see　anything　while　it　was　playing；　I　stood　with　my　head　against

my　tree；　but；　when　it　was　done；　I　saw　that　there　were　ladies　sitting　close

to　me　on　a　wooden　bench；　and　the　stranger　who　had　talked　to　me　that　day　in

the　karoo　was　sitting　between　them。　　The　ladies　were　very　pretty；　and　their

dresses　beautiful。　　I　do　not　think　they　had　been　listening　to　the　music；

for　they　were　talking　and　laughing　very　softly。　　I　heard　all　they　said；　and

could　even　smell　the　rose　on　the　breast　of　one。　　I　was　afraid　he　would　see

me；　so　I　went　to　the　other　side　of　the　tree；　and　soon　they　got　up　and　began

to　pace　up　and　down　in　the　avenue。



〃All　the　time　the　music　played　they　chatted；　and　he　carried　on　his　arm　the

scarf　of　the　prettiest　lady。　　I　did　not　hear　the　music；　I　tried　to　catch

the　sound　of　his　voice　each　time　he　went　by。　　When　I　was　listening　to　the

music　I　did　not　know　I　was　badly　dressed；　now　I　felt　so　ashamed　of　myself。

I　never　knew　before　what　a　low；　horrible　thing　I　was；　dressed　in　tancord。　

That　day　on　the　farm；　when　we　sat　on　the　ground　under　the　thorn…trees；　I

thought　he　quite　belonged　to　me；　now；　I　saw　he　was　not　mine。　　But　he　was

still　as　beautiful。　　His　brown　eyes　are　more　beautiful　than　any　one's　eyes；

except　yours。



〃At　last　they　turned　to　go；　and　I　walked　after　them。　　When　they　got　out　of

the　gate　he　helped　the　ladies　into　a　phaeton；　and　stood　for　a　moment　with

his　foot　on　the　step　talking　to　them。　　He　had　a　little　cane　in　his　hand；

and　an　Italian　greyhound　ran　after　him。　　Just　when　they　drove　away　one　of

the　ladies　dropped　her　whip。



〃'Pick　it　up；　fellow；'　she　said；　and　when　I　brought　it　her　she　threw

sixpence　on　the　ground。　　I　might　have　gone　back　to　the　garden　then；　but　I

did　not　want　music；　I　wanted　clothes；　and　to　be　fashionable　and　fine。　　I

felt　that　my　hands　were　coarse；　and　that　I　was　vulgar。　　I　never　tried　to

see　him　again。



〃I　stayed　in　my　situation　four　months　after　that；　but　I　was　not　happy。　　I

had　no　rest。　　The　people　about　me　pressed　on　me；　and　made　me　dissatisfied。

I　could　not　forget　them。　　Even　when　I　did　not　see　them　they　pressed　on　me；

and　made　me　miserable。　　I　did　not　love　books；　I　wanted　people。　　When　I

walked　home　under　the　shady　trees　in　the　street　I　could　not　be　happy；　for

when　I　passed　the　houses　I　heard　music；　and　saw　faces　between　the　curtains。

I　did　not　want　any　of　them；　but　I　wanted　some　one　for　mine；　for　me。　　I

could　not　help　it。　　I　wanted　a　finer　life。



〃Only　one　day　something　made　me　happy。　　A　nurse　came　to　the　store　with　a

little　girl　belonging　to　one　of　our　clerks。　　While　the　maid　went　into　the

office　to　give　a　message　to　its　father；　the　little　child　stood　looking　at

me。　　Presently　she　came　close　to　me　and　peeped　up　into　my　face。



〃'Nice　curls；　pretty　curls；'　she　said；　'I　like　curls。'



〃She　felt　my　hair　all　over；　with　her　little　hands。　　When　I　put　out　my　arm

she　let　me　take　her　and　sit　her　on　my　knee。　　She　kissed　me　with　her　soft

mouth。　　We　were　happy　till　the　nurse…girl　came　and　shook　her；　and　asked　her

if　she　was　not　ashamed　to　sit　on　the　knee　of　that　strange　man。　　But　I　do

not　think　my　little　one　minded。　　She　laughed　at　me　as　she　went　out。



〃If　the　world　was　all　children　I　could　like　it；　but　men　and　women　draw　me

so　strangely；　and　then　press　me　away；　till　I　am　in　agony。　　I　was　not　meant

to　live　among　people。　　Perhaps　some　day；　when　I　am　grown　older；　I　will　be

able　to　go　and　live　among　them　and　look　at　them　as　I　look　at　the　rocks；　and

bushes；　without　letting　them　disturb　me；　and　take　myself　from　me；　but　not

now。　　So　I　grew　miserable；　a　kind　of　fever　seemed　to　eat　me；　I　could　not

rest；　or　read；　or　think；　so　I　came　back　here。　　I　knew　you　were　not　here　but

it　seemed　as　though　I　should　be　nearer　you；　and　it　is　you　I　wantyou　that

the　other　people　suggest　to　me；　but　cannot　give。〃



He　had　filled　all　the　sheets　he　had　taken；　and　now　lifted　down　the　last

from　the　mantelpiece。　　Em　had　dropped　asleep；　and　lay　slumbering　peacefully

on　the　skin　before　the　fire。　　Out　of　doors　the　storm　still　raged；　but　in　a

fitful　manner；　as　though　growing　half　weary　of　itself。　　He　bent　over　his

paper　again；　with　eager　flushed　cheek；　and　wrote　on。



〃It　has　been　a　delightful　journey；　this　journey　home。　　I　have　walked　on

foot。　　The　evening　before　last；　when　it　was　just　sunset；　I　was　a　little

footsore　and　thirsty；　and　went　out　of　the　road　to　look　for　water。　　I　went

down　into　a　deep　little　kloof。　　Some　trees　ran　along　the　bottom；　and　I

thought　I　should　find　water　there。　　The　sun　had　quite　set　when　I　got　to　the

bottom　of　it。　　It　was　very　stillnot　a　leaf　was　stirring　anywhere。　　In　the

bed　of　the　mountain　torrent　I　thought　I　might　find　water。　　I　came　to　the

bank；　and　leaped　down　into　the　dry　bed。　　The　floor　on　which　I　stood　was　of

fine　white　sand；　and　the　banks　rose　on　every　side　like　the　walls　of　a　room。



〃Above　there　was　a　precipice　of　rocks；　and　a　tiny　stream　of　water　oozed

from　them　and　fell　slowly　on　to　the　flat　stone　below。　　Each　drop　you　could

hear　fall　like　a　little　silver　bell。　　There　was　one　among　the　trees　on　the

bank　that　stood　cut　out　against　the　white　sky。　　All　the　other　trees　were

silent；　but　this　one　shook　and　trembled　against　the　sky。　　Everything　else

was　still；　but　those　leaves　were　quivering；　quivering。　　I　stood　on　the

sand；　I　could　not　go　away。　　When　it　was　quite　dark；　and　the　stars　had　come；

I　crept　out。　　Does　it　seem　strange　to　you　that　it　should　have　made　me　so

happy？　　It　is　because　I　cannot　tell　you　how　near　I　felt　to　things　that　we

cannot　see　but　we　always　feel。　　Tonight　has　been　a　wild；　stormy　night。　　I

have　been　walking　across　the　plain　for　hours　in　the　dark。　　I　have　liked　the

wind；　because　I　have　seemed　forcing　my　way　through　to　you。　　I　knew　you　were

not　here；　but　I　would　hear　of　you。　　When　I　used　to　sit　on　the　transport

wagon　half…sleeping；　I　used　to　start　awake　because　your　hands　were　on　me。　

In　my　lodgings；　many　nights　I　have　blown　the　light　out；　and　sat　in　the

dark；　that　I　might　see　your　face　start　out　more　distinctly。　　Sometimes　it

was　the　little　girl's　face　who　used　to　come　to　me　behind　the　kopje　when　I

minded　sheep；　and　sit　by　me　in　her　blue　pinafore；　sometimes　it　was　older。　

I　love　both。　　I　am　very　helpless；　I　shall　never　do　anything；　but　you　will

work；　and　I　will　take　your　work　for　mine。　　Sometimes　such　a　sudden　gladness

seizes　me　when　I　remember　that　somewhere　in　the　world　you　are　living　and

working。　　You　are　my　very　own；　nothing　else　is　my　own　so。　　When　I　have

finished　I　am　going　to　look　at　your　room　door〃



He　wrote；　and　the　wind；　which　had　spent　its　fury；　moaned　round　and　round

the　house；　most　like　a　tired　child　weary　with　crying。



Em　woke　up；　and　sat　before　the　fire；