the story of an african farm-第38章
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When he came in she said； 'Good evening； Waldo。 Have some coffee！' AND SHE
KISSED HIM。
〃All last night I heard nothing else but 'Have some coffee； have some
coffee。' If I went to sleep for a moment I dreamed that her finger was
pressing mine； but when I woke with a start I heard her say； 'Good evening；
Waldo。 Have some coffee！'
〃Is this madness？
〃I have not eaten a mouthful today。 This evening I go and propose to her。
If she refuses me I shall go and kill myself tomorrow。 There is a dam of
water close by。 The sheep have drunk most of it up； but there is still
enough if I tie a stone to my neck。
〃It is a choice between death and madness。 I can endure no more。 If this
should be the last letter you ever get from me； think of me tenderly； and
forgive me。 Without her； life would be a howling wilderness； a long
tribulation。 She is my affinity； the one love of my life； of my youth； of
my manhood； my sunshine； my God…given blossom。
〃'They never loved who dreamed that they loved once；
And who saith； 'I loved once'？
Not angels； whose deep eyes look down through realms of light！'
〃Your disconsolate brother； on what is； in all probability； the last and
distracted night of his life。
〃Gregory Nazianzen Rose。
〃P。S。Tell mother to take care of my pearl studs。 I left them in the
wash…hand…stand drawer。 Don't let the children get hold of them。
〃P。P。S。I shall take this letter with me to the farm。 If I turn down one
corner you may know I have been accepted； if not； you may know it is all up
with your heartbroken brother；
G。N。R。〃
Gregory having finished this letter； read it over with much approval； put
it in an envelope； addressed it； and sat contemplating the inkpot； somewhat
relieved in mind。
The evening turned out chilly and very windy after the day's heat。 From
afar off； as Gregory neared the homestead on the brown pony； he could
distinguish a little figure in a little red cloak at the door of the cow…
kraal。 Em leaned over the poles that barred the gate； and watched the
frothing milk run through the black fingers of the herdsman； while the
unwilling cows stood with tethered heads by the milking poles。 She had
thrown the red cloak over her own head； and held it under her chin with a
little hand； to keep from her ears the wind； that playfully shook it； and
tossed the little fringe of yellow hair into her eyes。
〃Is it not too cold for you to be standing here？〃 said Gregory； coming
softly close to her。
〃Oh； no； it is so nice。 I always come to watch the milking。 That red cow
with the short horns is bringing up the calf of the white cow that died。
She loves it sojust as if it were her own。 It is so nice to see her lick
its little ears。 Just look！〃
〃The clouds are black。 I think it is going to rain tonight；〃 said Gregory。
〃Yes；〃 answered Em； looking up as well as she could for the little yellow
fringe。
〃But I'm sure you must be cold；〃 said Gregory； and put his hand under the
cloak； and found there a small fist doubled up； soft； and very warm。 He
held it fast in his hand。
〃Oh； Em； I love you better than all the world besides！ Tell me； do you
love me a little？〃
〃Yes； I do；〃 said Em； hesitating； and trying softly to free her hand。
〃Better than everything； better than all the world； darling？〃 he asked；
bending down so low that the yellow hair was blown into his eyes。
〃I don't know；〃 said Em； gravely。 〃I do love you very much； but I love my
cousin who is at school； and Waldo； very much。 You see I have known them
so long！〃
〃Oh； Em； do not talk to me so coldly！〃 Gregory cried； seizing the little
arm that rested on the gate； and pressing it till she was half afraid。 The
herdsman had moved away to the other end of the kraal now； and the cows；
busy with their calves； took no notice of the little human farce。 〃Em； if
you talk so to me I will go mad！ You must love me； love me better than
all！ You must give yourself to me。 I have loved you since that first
moment when I saw you walking by the stone wall with the jug in your hands。
You were made for me； created for me！ I will love you till I die！ Oh； Em；
do not be so cold； so cruel to me！〃
He held her arm so tightly that her fingers relaxed their hold； and the
cloak fluttered down on to the ground； and the wind played more roughly
than ever with the little yellow head。
〃I do love you very much；〃 she said； 〃but I do not know if I want to marry
you。 I love you better than Waldo； but I can't tell if I love you better
than Lyndall。 If you would let me wait for a week I think perhaps I could
tell you。〃
Gregory picked up the cloak and wrapped it round her。
〃If you could but love me as I love you；〃 he said； 〃but no woman can love
as a man can。 I will wait till Saturday。 I will not once come near you
till then。 Good…bye！ Oh； Em；〃 he said； turning again； and twining his arm
about her； and kissing her surprised little mouth； 〃if you are not my wife
I cannot live。 I have never loved another woman； and I never shall！
never； never！〃
〃You make me afraid；〃 said Em。 〃Come； let us go； and I will fill your
pail。〃
〃I want no milk。 Good…bye！ You will not see me again till Saturday。〃
Late that night； when every one else had gone to bed； the yellow…haired
little woman stood alone in the kitchen。 She had come to fill the kettle
for the next morning's coffee； and now stood before the fire。 The warm
reflection lit the grave old…womanish little face； that was so unusually
thoughtful this evening。
〃Better than all the world； better than everything； he loves me better than
everything！〃 She said the words aloud； as if they were more easy to
believe if she spoke them so。 She had given out so much love in her little
life； and had got none of it back with interest。 Now one said； 〃I love you
better than all the world。〃 One loved her better than she loved him。 How
suddenly rich she was。 She kept clasping and unclasping her hands。 So a
beggar feels who falls asleep on the pavement wet and hungry； and who wakes
in a palace…hall with servants and lights； and a feast before him。 Of
course the beggar's is only a dream； and he wakes from it； and this was
real。
Gregory had said to her； 〃I will love you as long as I live。〃 She said the
words over and over to herself like a song。
〃I will send for him tomorrow； and I will tell him how I love him back；〃
she said。
But Em needed not to send for him。 Gregory discovered on reaching home
that Jemima's letter was still in his pocket。 And； therefore； much as he
disliked the appearance of vacillation and weakness； he was obliged to be
at the farmhouse before sunrise to post it。
〃If I see her；〃 Gregory said； 〃I shall only bow to her。 She shall see that
I am a man； one who keeps his word。〃
As to Jemima's letter； he had turned down one corner of the page； and then
turned it back； leaving a deep crease。 That would show that he was neither
accepted nor rejected； but that matters were in an intermediate condition。
It was a more poetical way then putting it in plain words。
Gregory was barely in time with his letter； for Waldo was starting when he
reached the homestead； and Em was on the doorstep to see him off。 When he
had given the letter； and Waldo had gone； Gregory bowed stiffly and
prepared to remount his own pony； but somewhat slowly。 It was still early；
none of the servants were about。 Em came up close to him and put her
little hand softly on his arm as he stood by his horse。
〃I do love you best of all；〃 she said。 She was not frightened now； however
much he kissed her。 〃I wish I was beautiful and nice；〃 she added； looking
up into his eyes as he held her against his breast。
〃My darling； to me you are more beautiful than all the women in the world；
dearer to me than everything it holds。 If you were in hell I would go
after you to find y
