end of the tether-第33章

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mane　manaagentleman；　Mr。　Van　Wyk。　　You　may



have　asked　me　what　I　had　done　with　my　conscience。〃







He　seemed　to　muse；　profoundly　silent；　very　still　in　his



mournful　pose。







〃I　began　to　tamper　with　it　in　my　pride。　　You　begin



to　see　a　lot　of　things　when　you　are　going　blind。　　I



could　not　be　frank　with　an　old　chum　even。　　I　was　not



frank　with　Massyno；　not　altogether。　　I　knew　he　took



me　for　a　wealthy　sailor　fool；　and　I　let　him。　　I　wanted



to　keep　up　my　importancebecause　there　was　poor　Ivy



away　theremy　daughter。　　What　did　I　want　to　trade



on　his　misery　for？　　I　did　trade　on　itfor　her。　　And



now；　what　mercy　could　I　expect　from　him？　　He　would



trade　on　mine　if　he　knew　it。　　He　would　hunt　the　old



fraud　out；　and　stick　to　the　money　for　a　year。　　Ivy's



money。　　And　I　haven't　kept　a　penny　for　myself。　　How



am　I　going　to　live　for　a　year。　　A　year！　　In　a　year　there



will　be　no　sun　in　the　sky　for　her　father。〃







His　deep　voice　came　out；　awfully　veiled；　as　though　he



had　been　overwhelmed　by　the　earth　of　a　landslide；　and



talking　to　you　of　the　thoughts　that　haunt　the　dead　in



their　graves。　　A　cold　shudder　ran　down　Mr。　Van　Wyk's



back。







〃And　how　long　is　it　since　you　have　。　。　。？〃　he



began。







〃It　was　a　long　time　before　I　could　bring　myself　to



believe　in　thisthis　visitation。〃　　Captain　Whalley



spoke　with　gloomy　patience　from　under　his　hand。







He　had　not　thought　he　had　deserved　it。　　He　had　begun



by　deceiving　himself　from　day　to　day；　from　week　to



week。　　He　had　the　Serang　at　hand　therean　old



servant。　　It　came　on　gradually；　and　when　he　could　no



longer　deceive　himself　。　。　。







His　voice　died　out　almost。







〃Rather　than　give　her　up　I　set　myself　to　deceive



you　all。〃







〃It's　incredible；〃　whispered　Mr。　Van　Wyk。　　Captain



Whalley's　appalling　murmur　flowed　on。







〃Not　even　the　sign　of　God's　anger　could　make　me



forget　her。　　How　could　I　forsake　my　child；　feeling　my



vigor　all　the　timethe　blood　warm　within　me？　　Warm



as　yours。　　It　seems　to　me　that；　like　the　blinded　Samson；



I　would　find　the　strength　to　shake　down　a　temple　upon



my　head。　　She's　a　struggling　womanmy　own　child



that　we　used　to　pray　over　together；　my　poor　wife　and　I。



Do　you　remember　that　day　I　as　well　as　told　you



that　I　believed　God　would　let　me　live　to　a　hundred　for



her　sake？　　What　sin　is　there　in　loving　your　child？　　Do



you　see　it？　　I　was　ready　for　her　sake　to　live　for　ever。



I　half　believed　I　would。　　I've　been　praying　for　death



since。　　Ha！　　Presumptuous　manyou　wanted　to



live　。　。　。〃







A　tremendous；　shuddering　upheaval　of　that　big　frame；



shaken　by　a　gasping　sob；　set　the　glasses　jingling　all



over　the　table；　seemed　to　make　the　whole　house　tremble



to　the　roof…tree。　　And　Mr。　Van　Wyk；　whose　feeling　of



outraged　love　had　been　translated　into　a　form　of　strug…



gle　with　nature；　understood　very　well　that；　for　that　man



whose　whole　life　had　been　conditioned　by　action；　there



could　exist　no　other　expression　for　all　the　emotions；　that；



to　voluntarily　cease　venturing；　doing；　enduring；　for　his



child's　sake；　would　have　been　exactly　like　plucking　his



warm　love　for　her　out　of　his　living　heart。　　Something



too　monstrous；　too　impossible；　even　to　conceive。







Captain　Whalley　had　not　changed　his　attitude；　that



seemed　to　express　something　of　shame；　sorrow；　and



defiance。







〃I　have　even　deceived　you。　　If　it　had　not　been　for



that　word　'esteem。'　　These　are　not　the　words　for　me。



I　would　have　lied　to　you。　　Haven't　I　lied　to　you？



Weren't　you　going　to　trust　your　property　on　board　this



very　trip？〃







〃I　have　a　floating　yearly　policy；〃　Mr。　Van　Wyk　said



almost　unwittingly；　and　was　amazed　at　the　sudden　crop…



ping　up　of　a　commercial　detail。







〃The　ship　is　unseaworthy；　I　tell　you。　　The　policy



would　be　invalid　if　it　were　known　。　。　。〃







〃We　shall　share　the　guilt；　then。〃







〃Nothing　could　make　mine　less；〃　said　Captain



Whalley。







He　had　not　dared　to　consult　a　doctor；　the　man　would



have　perhaps　asked　who　he　was；　what　he　was　doing；



Massy　might　have　heard　something。　　He　had　lived　on



without　any　help；　human　or　divine。　　The　very　prayers



stuck　in　his　throat。　　What　was　there　to　pray　for？　and



death　seemed　as　far　as　ever。　　Once　he　got　into　his　cabin



he　dared　not　come　out　again；　when　he　sat　down　he　dared



not　get　up；　he　dared　not　raise　his　eyes　to　anybody's



face；　he　felt　reluctant　to　look　upon　the　sea　or　up　to



the　sky。　　The　world　was　fading　before　his　great　fear



of　giving　himself　away。　　The　old　ship　was　his　last



friend；　he　was　not　afraid　of　her；　he　knew　every　inch



of　her　deck；　but　at　her　too　he　hardly　dared　to　look；　for



fear　of　finding　he　could　see　less　than　the　day　before。



A　great　incertitude　enveloped　him。　　The　horizon　was



gone；　the　sky　mingled　darkly　with　the　sea。　　Who　was



this　figure　standing　over　yonder？　what　was　this　thing



lying　down　there？　　And　a　frightful　doubt　of　the　reality



of　what　he　could　see　made　even　the　remnant　of　sight



that　remained　to　him　an　added　torment；　a　pitfall　always



open　for　his　miserable　pretense。　　He　was　afraid　to



stumble　inexcusably　over　somethingto　say　a　fatal　Yes



or　No　to　a　question。　　The　hand　of　God　was　upon　him；



but　it　could　not　tear　him　away　from　his　child。　　And；



as　if　in　a　nightmare　of　humiliation；　every　featureless



man　seemed　an　enemy。







He　let　his　hand　fall　heavily　on　the　table。　　Mr。　Van



Wyk；　arms　down；　chin　on　breast；　with　a　gleam　of　white



teeth　pressing　on　the　lower　lip；　meditated　on　Sterne's



〃The　game's　up。〃







〃The　Serang　of　course　does　not　know。〃







〃Nobody；〃　said　Captain　Whalley；　with　assurance。







〃Ah　yes。　　Nobody。　　Very　well。　　Can　you　keep　it　up



to　the　end　of　the　trip？　　That　is　the　last　under　the　agree…



ment　with　Massy。〃







Captain　Whalley　got　up　and　stood　erect；　very　stately；



with　the　great　white　beard　lying　like　a　silver　breastplate



over　the　awful　secret　of　his　heart。　　Yes；　that　was　the



only　hope　there　was　for　him　of　ever　seeing　her　again；



of　securing　the　money；　the　last　he　could　do　for　her；



before　he　crept　away　somewhereuseless；　a　burden；　a



reproach　to　himself。　　His　voice　faltered。







〃Think　of　it！　　Never　see　her　any　more：　the　only



human　being　besides　myself　now　on　earth　that　can　re…



member　my　wife。　　She's　just　like　her　mother。　　Lucky



the　poor　woman　is　where　there　are　no　tears　shed　over



those　they　loved　on　earth　and　that　remain　to　pray　not



to　be　led　into　temptationbecause；　I　suppose；　the



blessed　know　the　secret　of　grace　in　God's　dealings　with



His　created　children。〃







He　swayed　a　little；　said　with　austere　dignity







〃I　don't。　　I　know　only　the　child　He　has　given　me。〃







And　he　began　to　walk。　　Mr。　Van　Wyk；　jumping　up；



saw　the　full　meaning　of　the　rigid　head；　the　hesitating



feet；　the　vaguely　extended　hand。　　His　heart　was　beat…



ing　fast；　he　moved　a　chair　aside；　and　instinctively　ad…



vanced　as　if　to　offer　his　arm。　　But　Captain　Whalley



passed　him　by；　making　for　the　stairs　quite　straight。







〃He　could　not　see　me　at　all　out　of　his　line；〃　Van　Wyk



thought；　with　a　sort　of　awe。　　Then　going　to　the　head



of　the　stairs；　he　asked　a　little　tremulously







〃What　is　it　likelike　a　mistlike　。　。　。〃







Captain　Whalley；　half…way　down；　stopped；　and　turned



round　undismayed　to　answer。







〃It　is　as　if　the　light　were　ebbing　out　of　the　world。



Have　you　ever　watched　the　ebbing　sea　on　an　open



stretch　of　san