5 midnigh+sun-第58章
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repulsive as any other human food。 I chewed swiftly and swallowed； trying to keep the
grimace off my face。 The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat。
I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later。 Disgusting。
Bella's expression was shocked。 Impressed。
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I wanted to roll my eyes。 Of course we would have perfected such deceptions。
〃If someone dared you to eat dirt； you could； couldn't you？〃
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled。 〃I did once？on a dare。 It wasn't so bad。〃
I laughed。 〃I suppose I'm not surprised。〃
They look cozy； don't they？ Good body language。 I'll give Bella my take later。
He's leaning toward her just the way he should； if he's interested。 He looks interested。
He looks？perfect。 Jessica sighed。 Yum。
I met Jessica's curious eyes； and she looked away nervously； giggling to the girl
next to her。
Hmmm。 Probably better to stick to Mike。 Reality； not fantasy？
〃Jessica's analyzing everything I do；〃 I informed Bella。 〃She'll break it down for
you later。〃
I pushed the plate of food back towards her—pizza； I realized—wondering how
best to begin。 My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head： More than
he likes me。 But I don't see how I can help that。
She took a bite from the same slice of pizza。 It amazed me how trusting she was。
Of course； she didn't know I was poisonous—not that sharing food would hurt her。 Still；
I expected her to treat me differently。 As something other。 She never did—at least； not
in a negative way？
I would start off gently。
〃So the waitress was pretty； was she？〃
She raised the eyebrow again。 〃You really didn't notice？〃
As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella。 Absurd； again。
〃No。 I wasn't paying attention。 I had a lot on my mind。〃 Not the least of which
had been the soft cling of her thin blouse？
Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today。
〃Poor girl；〃 Bella said； smiling。
She liked that I hadn't found the waitress interesting in any way。 I could
understand that。 How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology
room？
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She couldn't honestly believe that her human feelings； the fruition of seventeen
short mortal years； could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building
up in me for a century。
〃Something you said to Jessica？〃 I couldn't keep my voice casual。 〃Well； it
bothers me。〃
She was immediately on the defensive。 〃I'm not surprised you heard something
you didn't like。 You know what they say about eavesdroppers。〃
Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves； that was the saying。
〃I warned you I would be listening；〃 I reminded her。
〃And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking。〃
Ah； she was thinking of when I'd made her cry。 Remorse made my voice thicker。
〃You did。 You aren't precisely right； though。 I do want to know what you're thinking—
everything。 I just wish？that you wouldn't be thinking some things。〃
More half…lies。 I knew I shouldn't want her to care about me。 But I did。 Of
course I did。
〃That's quite a distinction；〃 she grumbled； scowling at me。
〃But that's not really the point at the moment。〃
〃Then what is？〃
She leaned toward me； her hand cupped lightly around her throat。 It drew my
eye—distracted me。 How soft that skin must feel？
Focus； I commanded myself。
〃Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you？〃 I asked。 The
question sounded ridiculous to me； like the words were scrambled。
Her eyes were wide； her breathing stopped。 Then she looked away； blinking
quickly。 Her breath came in a low gasp。
〃You're doing it again；〃 she murmured。
〃What？〃
〃Dazzling me；〃 she admitted； meeting my eyes warily。
〃Oh。〃 Hmm。 I wasn't quite sure what to do about that。 Nor was I sure that I
didn't want to dazzle her。 I was still thrilled that I could。 But it wasn't helping the
progression of the conversation。
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〃It's not your fault。〃 She sighed。 〃You can't help it。〃
〃Are you going to answer my question？〃 I demanded。
She stared at the table。 〃Yes。〃
That was all she said。
〃Yes； you are going to answer； or yes； you really think that？〃 I asked impatiently。
〃Yes； I really think that；〃 she said without looking up。 There was a faint
undertone of sadness in her voice。 She blushed again； and her teeth moved unconsciously
to worry her lip。
Abruptly； I realized that this was very hard for her to admit； because she truly
believed it。 And I was no better than that coward； Mike； asking for her to confirm her
feelings before I'd confirmed my own。 It didn't matter that I felt I'd make my side
abundantly clear。 It hadn't gotten through to her； and so I had no excuse。
〃You're wrong；〃 I promised。 She must hear the tenderness in my voice。
Bella looked up to me； her eyes opaque； giving nothing away。 〃You can't know
that；〃 she whispered。
She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn't hear her
thoughts。 But； in truth； the problem was that she was underestimating mine。
〃What makes you think so？〃 I wondered。
She stared back at me； the furrow between her brows； biting her lips。 For the
millionth time； I wished desperately that I could just hear her。
I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with； but she
held up a finger to keep me from speaking。
〃Let me think；〃 she requested。
As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts； I could be patient。
Or I could pretend to be。
She pressed her hands together； twining and untwining her slender fingers。 She
was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke。
〃Well； aside from the obvious；〃 she murmured。 〃Sometimes？ I can't be sure—I
don't know how to read minds—but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say
goodbye when you're saying something else。〃 She didn't look up。
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She'd caught that； had she？ Did she realize that it was only weakness and
selfishness that kept me here？ Did she think less of me for that？
〃Perceptive；〃 I breathed； and then watched in horror as pain twisted her
expression。 I hurried to contradict her assumption。 〃That's exactly why you're wrong；
though—〃 I began； and then I paused； remembering the first words of her explanation。
They bothered me； though I wasn't sure I understood exactly。 〃What do you mean； 'the
obvious'？〃
〃Well； look at me；〃 she said。
I was looking。 All I ever did was look at her。 What did she mean？
〃I'm absolutely ordinary；〃 she explained。 〃Well； except for the bad things like all
the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled。 And look at
you。〃 She fanned the air toward me； like she was making some point so obvious it
wasn't worth spelling out。
She thought she was ordinary？ She thought that I was somehow preferable to
her？ In whose estimation？ Silly； narrow…minded； blind humans like Jessica or Ms。
Cope？ How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful？most exquisite？
Those words weren't even enough。
And she had no idea。
〃You don't see yourself very clearly； you know；〃 I told her。 〃I'll admit you're
dead…on about the bad things？〃 I laughed humorlessly。 I did not find the evil fate who
haunted her comical。 The clumsiness； however； was sort of funny。 Endearing。 Would
she believe me if I told her she was beautiful； inside and out？ Perhaps she would find
corroboration more persuasive。 〃But you didn't hear what every human male was
thinking on your first day。〃
Ah； the hope； the thrill； the eagerness of those thoughts。 The speed with which
they'd turned to impossible fantasies。 Impossible； because she wanted none of them。
I was the one she said yes to。
My smile must have been smug。
Her face was blank with surprise。 〃I don't believe it；〃 she mumbled。
〃Trust me just this once—you are the opposite of ordinary。〃
Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world。
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She wasn't
