5 midnigh+sun-第51章
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for her to risk her life to sit here with me。 To do so gladly。
Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her。
Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her？ Anything at all？
I should have stayed away。 I should never have come back to Forks。 I would
cause her nothing but pain。
Would that stop me from staying now？ From making it worse？
The way I felt right now； feeling her warmth against my skin？
No。 Nothing would stop me。
〃Ah；〃 I groaned to myself。 〃This is wrong。〃
〃What did I say？〃 she asked； quick to take the blame on herself。
〃Don't you see； Bella？ It's one thing for me to make myself miserable； but a
wholly other thing for you to be so involved。 I don't want to hear that you feel that way。〃
It was the truth； it was a lie。 The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge
that she wanted me as I wanted her。 〃It's wrong。 It's not safe。 I'm dangerous； Bella—
please； grasp that。〃
〃No。〃 Her lips pouted out petulantly。
〃I'm serious。〃 I was battling with myself so strongly—half desperate for her to
accept； half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping—that the words came through
my teeth as a growl。
〃So am I；〃 she insisted。 〃I told you； it doesn't matter what you are。 It's too late。〃
Too late？ The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I
watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella's sleeping form in my
memory。 Inevitable； unstoppable。 They stole the color from her skin； and plunged her
into darkness。
Too late？ Alice's vision swirled in my head； Bella's blood red eyes staring back
at me impassively。 Expressionless—but there was no way that she could not hate me for
that future。 Hate me for stealing everything from her。 Stealing her life and her soul。
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It could not be too late。
〃Never say that；〃 I hissed。
She stared out her window； and her teeth bit into her lip again。 Her hands were
balled into tight fists in her lap。 Her breathing hitched and broke。
〃What are you thinking？〃 I had to know。
She shook her head without looking at me。 I saw something glisten； like a crystal；
on her cheek。
Agony。 〃Are you crying？〃 I'd made her cry。 I'd hurt her that much。
She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand。
〃No；〃 she lied； her voice breaking。
Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her—in that one second I
felt more human than I ever had。 And then I remembered that I was？not。 And I
lowered my hand。
〃I'm sorry；〃 I said； my jaw locked。 How could I ever tell her how sorry I was？
Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I'd made。 Sorry for my never…ending selfishness。 Sorry
that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first； tragic love of mine。 Sorry also
for the things beyond my control—that I'd been the monster chosen by fate to end her life
in the first place。
I took a deep breath—ignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the car—and
tried to collect myself。
I wanted to change the subject； to think of something else。 Lucky for me； my
curiosity about the girl was insatiable。 I always had a question。
〃Tell me something；〃 I said。
〃Yes？〃 she asked huskily； tears still in her voice。
〃What were you thinking tonight； just before I came around the corner？ I
couldn't understand your expression—you didn't look that scared； you looked like you
were concentrating very hard on something。〃 I remembered her face—forcing myself to
forget whose eyes I was looking through—the look of determination there。
〃I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker；〃 she said； her voice
more composed。 〃You know； self defense。 I was going to smash his nose into his brain。〃
Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation。 Her tone twisted until it
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seethed with hate。 This was no hyperbole； and her kittenish fury was not humorous now。
I could see her frail figure—just silk over glass—overshadowed by the meaty； heavy…
fisted human monsters who would have hurt her。 The fury boiled in the back of my head。
〃You were going to fight them？〃 I wanted to groan。 Her instincts were deadly—
to herself。 〃Didn't you think about running？〃
〃I fall down a lot when I run；〃 she said sheepishly。
〃What about screaming for help？〃
〃I was getting to that part。〃
I shook my head in disbelief。 How had she managed to stay alive before she'd
come to Forks？
〃You were right；〃 I told her； a sour edge to my voice。 〃I'm definitely fighting
fate trying to keep you alive。〃
She sighed； and glanced out the window。 Then she looked back at me。
〃Will I see you tomorrow？〃 she demanded abruptly。
As long as I was on my way to hell—I might as well enjoy the journey。
〃Yes—I have a paper due； too。〃 I smiled at her； and it felt good to do this。 〃I'll
save you a seat at lunch。〃
Her heart fluttered； my dead heart suddenly felt warmer。
I stopped the car in front of her father's house。 She made no move to leave me。
〃Do you promise to be there tomorrow？〃 she insisted。
〃I promise。〃
How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness？ Surely there was
something amiss in that。
She nodded to herself； satisfied； and started to remove my jacket。
〃You can keep it；〃 I assured her quickly。 I rather wanted to leave her with
something of myself。 A token； like the bottle cap that was in my pocket now？ 〃You
don't have a jacket for tomorrow。〃
She handed it back to me； smiling ruefully。 〃I don't want to have to explain to
Charlie；〃 she told me。
I would imagine not。 I smiled at her。 〃Oh； right。〃
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She put her hand on the door handle； and then stopped。 Unwilling to leave； just as
I was unwilling for her to go。
To have her unprotected； even for a few moments？
Peter and Charlotte were well on their way by now； long past Seattle； no doubt。
But there were always others。 This world was not a safe place for any human； and for her
it seemed to be more dangerous than it was for the rest。
〃Bella？〃 I asked； surprised at the pleasure there was in simply speaking her name。
〃Yes？〃
〃Will you promise me something？〃
〃Yes；〃 she agreed easily； and then her eyes tightened as if she'd thought of a
reason to object。
〃Don't go into the woods alone；〃 I warned her； wondering if this request would
trigger the objection in her eyes。
She blinked； startled。 〃Why？〃
I glowered into the untrustworthy darkness。 The lack of light was no problem for
my eyes； but neither would it trouble another hunter。 It only blinded humans。
〃I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there；〃 I told her。 〃Let's leave it at
that。〃
She shivered； but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she told me；
〃Whatever you say。〃
Her breath touched my face； so sweet and fragrant。
I could stay here all night like this； but she needed her sleep。 The two desires
seemed equally strong as they continually warred inside me： wanting her versus wanting
her to be safe。
I sighed at the impossibilities。 〃I'll see you tomorrow；〃 I said； knowing that I
would see her much sooner than that。 She wouldn't see me until tomorrow； though。
〃Tomorrow； then；〃 she agreed as she opened her door。
Agony again； watching her leave。
I leaned after her； wanting to hold her here。 〃Bella？〃
She turned； and then froze； surprised to find our faces so close together。
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I； too； was overwhelmed by the proximity。 The heat rolled off her in waves；
caressing my face。 I could all but feel the silk of her skin？
Her heartbeat stuttered； and her lips fell open。
〃Sleep well；〃 I whispered； and leaned away before the urgency in my body—
either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger I suddenly felt—could make
me do something that might hurt her。
She sat there motionless for a moment； her eyes wide and stunned。 Dazzled； I
guessed。
As was I。
She recovered—though her face was still a bit bemused—and half fell out of the
car； tripping over her feet and having to catch the frame of the car to right herself。
I chuckled—hopefully it was t
