5 midnigh+sun-第5章
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alone； there would be no chance of anyone else getting hurt。 And no reason to rush
through the experience； the monster in my head agreed。
It was sophistry to think that by saving the nineteen humans in this room with
effort and patience； I would be less a monster when I killed this innocent girl。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
16
Though I hated her； I knew my hatred was unjust。 I knew that what I really hated
was myself。 And I would hate us both so much more when she was dead。
I made it through the hour in this way—imagining the best ways to kill her。 I
tried to avoid imagining the actual act。 That might be too much for me； I might lose this
battle and end up killing everyone in sight。 So I planned strategy； and nothing more。 It
carried me through the hour。
Once； toward the very end； she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair。
I could feel the unjustified hatred burning out of me as I met her gaze—see the reflection
of it in her frightened eyes。 Blood painted her cheek before she could hide in her hair
again； and I was nearly undone。
But the bell rang。 Saved by the bell—how cliché。 We were both saved。 She；
saved from death。 I； saved for just a short time from being the nightmarish creature I
feared and loathed。
I couldn't walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room。 If anyone had
been looking at me； they might have suspected that there was something not right about
the way I moved。 No one was paying attention to me。 All human thoughts still swirled
around the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hour's time。
I hid in my car。
I didn't like to think of myself having to hide。 How cowardly that sounded。 But
it was unquestionably the case now。
I didn't have enough discipline left to be around humans now。 Focusing so much
of my efforts on not killing one of them left me no resources to resist the others。 What a
waste that would be。 If I were to give in to the monster； I might as well make it worth the
defeat。
I played a CD of music that usually calmed me； but it did little for me now。 No；
what helped most now was the cool； wet； clean air that drifted with the light rain through
my open windows。 Though I could remember the scent of Bella Swan's blood with
perfect clarity； inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from its
infection。
I was sane again。 I could think again。 And I could fight again。 I could fight
against what I didn't want to be。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
17
I didn't have to go to her home。 I didn't have to kill her。 Obviously； I was a
rational； thinking creature； and I had a choice。 There was always a choice。
It hadn't felt that way in the classroom？but I was away from her now。 Perhaps；
if I avoided her very； very carefully； there was no need for my life to change。 I had
things ordered the way I liked them now。 Why should I let some aggravating and
delicious nobody ruin that？
I didn't have to disappoint my father。 I didn't have to cause my mother stress；
worry？pain。 Yes； it would hurt my adopted mother； too。 And Esme was so gentle； so
tender and soft。 Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable。
How ironic that I'd wanted to protect this human girl from the paltry； toothless
threat of Jessica Stanley's snide thoughts。 I was the last person who would ever stand as
a protector for Isabella Swan。 She would never need protection from anything more than
she needed it from me。
Where was Alice； I suddenly wondered？ Hadn't she seen me killing the Swan
girl in a multitude of ways？ Why hadn't she come to help—to stop me or help me clean
up the evidence； whichever？ Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper
that she'd missed this much more horrific possibility？ Was I stronger than I thought？
Would I really not have done anything to the girl？
No。 I knew that wasn't true。 Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard。
I searched in the direction I knew she would be； in the small building used for
English classes。 It did not take me long to locate her familiar 'voice。' And I was right。
Her every thought was turned to Jasper； watching his small choices with minute scrutiny。
I wished I could ask her advice； but at the same time； I was glad she didn't know
what I was capable of。 That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the last
hour。
I felt a new burn through my body—the burn of shame。 I didn't want any of them
to know。
If I could avoid Bella Swan； if I could manage not to kill her—even as I thought
that； the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration—then no one would have to
know。 If I could keep away from her scent？
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
18
There was no reason why I shouldn't try； at least。 Make a good choice。 Try to be
what Carlisle thought I was。
The last hour of school was almost over。 I decided to put my new plan into action
at once。 Better than sitting here in the parking lot where she might pass me and ruin my
attempt。 Again； I felt the unjust hatred for the girl。 I hated that she had this unconscious
power over me。 That she could make me be something I reviled。
I walked swiftly—a little too swiftly； but there were no witnesses—across the tiny
campus to the office。 There was no reason for Bella Swan to cross paths with me。 She
would be avoided like the plague she was。
The office was empty except for the secretary； the one I wanted to see。
She didn't notice my silent entrance。
〃Mrs。 Cope？〃
The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened。 It
always caught them off guard； the little markers they didn't understand； no matter how
many times they'd seen one of us before。
〃Oh；〃 she gasped； a little flustered。 She smoothed her shirt。 Silly； she thought to
herself。 He's almost young enough to be my son。 Too young to think of that way？
〃Hello； Edward。 What can I do for you？〃 Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick
glasses。
Uncomfortable。 But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be。 It was
easy； since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken。
I leaned forward； meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless；
small brown eyes。 Her thoughts were already in a flutter。 This should be simple。
〃I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule；〃 I said in the soft voice
I reserved for not scaring humans。
I heard the tempo of her heart increase。
〃Of course； Edward。 How can I help？〃 Too young； too young； she chanted to
herself。 Wrong； of course。 I was older than her grandfather。 But according to my
driver's license； she was right。
〃I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science？
Physics； perhaps？〃
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
19
〃It there a problem with Mr。 Banner； Edward？〃
〃Not at all； it's just that I've already studied this material？〃
〃In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska； right。〃 Her thin lips pursed
as she considered this。 They should all be in college。 I've heard the teachers complain。
Perfect four point ohs； never a hesitation with a response； never a wrong answer on a
test—like they've found some way to cheat in every subject。 Mr。 Varner would rather
believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him？ I'll bet
their mother tutors them？ 〃Actually； Edward； physics is pretty much full right now。
Mr。 Banner hates to have more than twenty…five students in a class—〃
〃I wouldn't be any trouble。〃
Of course not。 Not a perfect Cullen。 〃I know that； Edward。 But there just aren't
enough seats as it is？〃
〃Could I drop the class； then？ I could use the period for independent study。〃
〃Drop biology？〃 He mouth fell open。 That's crazy。 How hard is it to sit through
a subject you already know？ There must be a problem with Mr。 Banner。 I wonder if I
should talk to Bob about it？ 〃You won't have enough credits to graduate。〃
〃I'll catch up next year。〃
〃Maybe you should talk to your parents about that。〃
The door opened behind me； but who ever it was did not think of me； so I i
