5 midnigh+sun-第4章
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Long enough for Bella Swan to see； briefly； what was coming for her。 Long
enough for her to feel fear。 Long enough； maybe； if shock didn't freeze her in place； for
her to work up a scream。 One soft scream that would not bring anyone running。
I took a deep breath； and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins；
burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of。
She was just turning now。 In a few seconds； she would sit down inches away
from me。
The monster in my head smiled in anticipation。
Someone slammed shut a folder on my left。 I didn't look up to see which of the
doomed humans it was。 But the motion sent a wave of ordinary； unscented air wafting
across my face。
For one short second； I was able to think clearly。 In that precious second； I saw
two faces in my head； side by side。
One was mine； or rather had been： the red…eyed monster that had killed so many
people that I'd stop counting their numbers。 Rationalized； justified murders。 A killer of
killers； a killer of other； less powerful monsters。 It was a god complex； I acknowledged
that—deciding who deserved a death sentence。 It was a compromise with myself。 I had
fed on human blood； but only by the loosest definition。 My victims were； in their various
dark pastimes； barely more human than I was。
The other face was Carlisle's。
There was no resemblance between the two faces。 They were bright day and
blackest night。
There was no reason for there to be a resemblance。 Carlisle was not my father in
the basic biological sense。 We shared no common features。 The similarity in our
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coloring was a product of what we were； every vampire had the same ice pale skin。 The
similarity in the color of our eyes was another matter—a reflection of a mutual choice。
And yet； though there was no basis for a resemblance； I'd imagined that my face
had begun to reflect his； to an extent； in the last seventy…odd years that I had embraced
his choice and followed in his steps。 My features had not changed； but it seemed to me
like some of his wisdom had marked my expression； that a little of his compassion could
be traced in the shape of my mouth； and hints of his patience were evident on my brow。
All those tiny improvements were lost in the face of the monster。 In a few
moments； there would be nothing left in me that would reflect the years I'd spent with my
creator； my mentor； my father in all the ways that counted。 My eyes would glow red as a
devil's； all likeness would be lost forever。
In my head； Carlisle's kind eyes did not judge me。 I knew that he would forgive
me for this horrible act that I would do。 Because he loved me。 Because he thought I was
better than I was。 And he would still love me； even as I now proved him wrong。
Bella Swan sat down in the chair next to me； her movements stiff and awkward—
with fear？—and the scent of her blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me。
I would prove my father wrong about me。 The misery of this fact hurt almost as
much as the fire in my throat。
I leaned away from her in revulsion—revolted by the monster aching to take her。
Why did she have to come here？ Why did she have to exist？ Why did she have
to ruin the little peace I had in this non…life of mine？ Why had this aggravating human
ever been born？ She would ruin me。
I turned my face away from her； as a sudden fierce； unreasoning hatred washed
through me。
Who was this creature？ Why me； why now？ Why did I have to lose everything
just because she happened to choose this unlikely town to appear in？
Why had she come here！
I didn't want to be the monster！ I didn't want to kill this room full of harmless
children！ I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial！
I wouldn't。 She couldn't make me。
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The scent was the problem； the hideously appealing scent of her blood。 If there
was only some way to resist？if only another gust of fresh air could clear my head。
Bella Swan shook out her long； thick； mahogany hair in my direction。
Was she insane？ It was as if she were encouraging the monster！ Taunting him。
There was no friendly breeze to blow the smell away from me now。 All would
soon be lost。
No； there was no helpful breeze。 But I didn't have to breathe。
I stopped the flow of air through my lungs； the relief was instantaneous； but
incomplete。 I still had the memory of the scent in my head； the taste of it on the back of
my tongue。 I wouldn't be able to resist even that for long。 But perhaps I could resist for
an hour。 One hour。 Just enough time to get out of this room full of victims； victims that
maybe didn't have to be victims。 If I could resist for one short hour。
It was an uncomfortable feeling； not breathing。 My body did not need oxygen；
but it went against my instincts。 I relied on scent more than my other senses in times of
stress。 It led the way in the hunt； it was the first warning in case of danger。 I did not
often came across something as dangerous as I was； but self…preservation was just as
strong in my kind as it was in the average human。
Uncomfortable； but manageable。 More bearable than smelling her and not
sinking my teeth through that fine； thin； see…through skin to the hot； wet； pulsing—
An hour！ Just one hour。 I must not think of the scent； the taste。
The silent girl kept her hair between us； leaning forward so that it spilled across
her folder。 I couldn't see her face； to try to read the emotions in her clear； deep eyes。
Was this why she'd let her tresses fan out between us？ To hide those eyes from me？ Out
of fear？ Shyness？ To keep her secrets from me？
My former irritation at being stymied by her soundless thoughts was weak and
pale in comparison to the need—and the hate—that possessed me now。 For I hated this
frail woman…child beside me； hated her with all the fervor with which I clung to my
former self； my love of my family； my dreams of being something better than what I
was？ Hating her； hating how she made me feel—it helped a little。 Yes； the irritation I'd
felt before was weak； but it； too； helped a little。 I clung to any emotion that distracted me
from imagining what she would taste like？
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Hate and irritation。 Impatience。 Would the hour never pass？
And when the hour ended？ Then she would walk out of this room。 And I would
do what？
I could introduce myself。 Hello； my name is Edward Cullen。 May I walk you to
your next class？
She would say yes。 It would be the polite thing to do。 Even already fearing me；
as I suspected she did； she would follow convention and walk beside me。 It should be
easy enough to lead her in the wrong direction。 A spur of the forest reached out like a
finger to touch the back corner of the parking lot。 I could tell her I'd forgotten a book in
my car？
Would anyone notice that I was the last person she'd been seen with？ It was
raining； as usual； two dark raincoats heading the wrong direction wouldn't pique too
much interest； or give me away。
Except that I was not the only student who was aware of her today—though no
one was as blisteringly aware as I was。 Mike Newton； in particular； was conscious of
every shift in her weight as she fidgeted in her chair—she was uncomfortable so close to
me； just as anyone would be； just as I'd expected before her scent had destroyed all
charitable concern。 Mike Newton would notice if she left the classroom with me。
If I could last an hour； could I last two？
I flinched at the pain of the burning。
She would go home to an empty house。 Police Chief Swan worked a full day。 I
knew his house； as I knew every house in the tiny town。 His home was nestled right up
against thick woods； with no close neighbors。 Even if she had time to scream； which she
would not； there would be no one to hear。
That would be the responsible way to deal with this。 I'd gone seven decades
without human blood。 If I held my breath； I could last two hours。 And when I had her
alone； there would be no cha
