5 midnigh+sun-第14章
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betrayed that trust； if you'd told me to stay。〃
〃I'm sorry you're suffering； Edward。 But you should do what you can to keep the
Swan child alive。 Even if it means that you must leave us again。〃
〃I know； I know。〃
〃Why did you come back？ You know how happy I am to have you here； but if
this is too difficult？〃
〃I didn't like feeling a coward；〃 I admitted。
We'd slowed—we were barely jogging through the darkness now。
〃Better that than to put her in danger。 She'll be gone in a year or two。〃
〃You're right； I know that。〃 Contrarily； though； his words only made me more
anxious to stay。 The girl would be gone in a year or two？
Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him； he turned to examine my
expression。
But you're not going to run； are you？
I hung my head。
Is it pride； Edward？ There's no shame in—
〃No； it isn't pride that keeps me here。 Not now。〃
Nowhere to go？
I laughed shortly。 〃No。 That wouldn't stop me； if I could make myself leave。〃
〃We'll come with you； of course； if that's what you need。 You only have to ask。
You've moved on without complaint for the rest of them。 They won't begrudge you
this。〃
I raised one eyebrow。
He laughed。 〃Yes； Rosalie might； but she owes you。 Anyway； it's much better
for us to leave now； no damage done； than for us to leave later； after a life has been
ended。〃 All humor was gone by the end。
I flinched at his words。
〃Yes；〃 I agreed。 My voice sounded hoarse。
But you're not leaving？
I sighed。 〃I should。〃
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
53
〃What holds you here； Edward？ I'm failing to see？〃
〃I don't know if I can explain。〃 Even to myself； it made no sense。
He measured my expression for a long moment。
No； I do not see。 But I will respect your privacy； if you prefer。
〃Thank you。 It's generous of you； seeing as how I give privacy to no one。〃 With
one exception。 And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that； wasn't I？
We all have our quirks。 He laughed again。 Shall we？
He'd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer。 It was hard to rally much
enthusiasm for what was； even under the best of circumstances； a less than
mouthwatering aroma。 Right now； with the memory of the girl's blood fresh in my mind；
the smell actually turned my stomach。
I sighed。 〃Let's；〃 I agreed； though I knew that forcing more blood down my
throat would help so little。
We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us
silently forward。
It was colder when we returned home。 The melted snow had refrozen； it was as if a thin
sheet of glass covered everything—each pine needle； each fern frond； each blade of grass
was iced over。
While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital； I stayed by the
river； waiting for the sun to rise。 I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I'd
consumed； but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girl
again。
Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on； I stared at the dark water running beside
the icy bank； stared right through it。
Carlisle was right。 I should leave Forks。 They could spread some story to explain
my absence。 Boarding school in Europe。 Visiting distant relatives。 Teenage runaway。
The story didn't matter。 No one would question too intensely。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
54
It was just a year or two； and then the girl would disappear。 She would go on with
her life—she would have a life to go on with。 She'd go to college somewhere； get older；
start a career； perhaps marry someone。 I could picture that—I could see the girl dressed
all in white and walking at a measured pace； her arm through her father's。
It was odd； the pain that image caused me。 I couldn't understand it。 Was I
jealous； because she had a future that I could never have？ That made no sense。 Every
one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of them—a life—and I rarely
stopped to envy them。
I should leave her to her future。 Stop risking her life。 That was the right thing to
do。 Carlisle always chose the right way。 I should listen to him now。
The sun rose behind the clouds； and the faint light glistened off all the frozen
glass。
One more day； I decided。 I would see her one more time。 I could handle that。
Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance； set the story up。
This was going to be difficult； I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was
already making me think of excuses to stay—to extend the deadline to two days； three；
four？ But I would do the right thing。 I knew I could trust Carlisle's advice。 And I also
knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone。
Much too conflicted。 How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive
curiosity； and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite？
I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school。
Alice was waiting for me； sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor。
You're leaving again； she accused me。
I sighed and nodded。
I can't see where you're going this time。
〃I don't know where I'm going yet；〃 I whispered。
I want you to stay。
I shook my head。
Maybe Jazz and I could come with you？
〃They'll need you all the more； if I'm not here to watch out for them。 And think
of Esme。 Would you take half her family away in one blow？〃
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
55
You're going to make her so sad。
〃I know。 That's why you have to stay。〃
That's not the same as having you here； and you know it。
〃Yes。 But I have to do what's right。〃
There are many right ways； and many wrong ways； though； aren't there？
For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions； I watched
along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled。 I saw myself mixed in with
strange shadows that I couldn't make out—hazy； imprecise forms。 And then； suddenly；
my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow。 This was a place I
knew。 There was a figure in the meadow with me； but； again； it was indistinct； not there
enough to recognize。 The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices
rearranged the future again。
〃I didn't catch much of that；〃 I told her when the vision went dark。
Me either。 Your future is shifting around so much I can't keep up with any of it。 I
think； though？
She stopped； and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for
me。 They were all the same—blurry and vague。
〃I think something is changing； though；〃 she said out loud。 〃Your life seems to be
at a crossroads。〃
I laughed grimly。 〃You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnival
now； right？〃
She stuck her tiny tongue out at me。
〃Today is all right； though； isn't it？〃 I asked； my voice abruptly apprehensive。
〃I don't see you killing anyone today；〃 she assured me。
〃Thanks； Alice。〃
〃Go get dressed。 I won't say anything—I'll let you tell the others when you're
ready。〃
She stood and darted back down the stairs； her shoulders hunched slightly。 Miss
you。 Really。
Yes； I would really miss her； too。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
56
It was a quiet ride to school。 Jasper could tell that Alice was upset about
something； but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done so
already。 Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious； having another of their moments； gazing
into each others' eyes with wonder—it was rather disgusting to watch from the outside。
We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were。 Or maybe I was just being
bitter because I was the only one alone。 Some days it was harder than others to live with
three sets of perfectly matched lovers。 This was one of them。
Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around； ill…tempered and
belligerent as the old man I should be by now。
Of course； the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the
girl。 Just preparing myself again。
Right。
It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything
but her—my whole existence centered around the girl； rather than around myself
anymore。
It was easy enough
