droll stories-3-第33章

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by　a　reply。　One　day　I　asked；　to　see　if　he　was　well　instructed　at

school　in　religious　matters；　'What　is　hope？'　'One　of　the　king's　big

archers；　who　comes　here　when　father　goes　out；'　said　he。　Indeed；　the

sergeant　of　the　Archers　was　named　Hope。　My　friend　was　dumbfounded　at

this；　and；　although　to　keep　his　countenance　he　looked　in　the　mirror；

he　could　not　see　his　horns　there。〃



The　baron　observed　that　the　boy's　remark　was　good　in　this　way：　that

Hope　is　a　person　who　comes　to　bed　with　us　when　the　realities　of　life

are　out　of　the　way。



〃Is　a　cuckold　made　in　the　image　of　God？〃　asked　the　Burgundian。



〃No；〃　said　the　Parisian；　〃because　God　was　wise　in　this　respect；　that

he　took　no　wife；　therefore　is　He　happy　through　all　eternity。〃



〃But；〃　said　the　maid…servant；　〃cuckolds　are　made　in　the　image　of　God

before　they　are　horned。〃



Then　the　three　pilgrims　began　to　curse　women；　saying　that　they　were

the　cause　of　all　the　evils　in　the　world。



〃Their　heads　are　as　empty　as　helmets；〃　said　the　Burgundian。



〃Their　hearts　are　as　straight　as　bill…hooks；〃　said　the　Parisian。



〃Why　are　there　so　many　men　pilgrims　and　so　few　women　pilgrims？〃　said

the　German　baron。



〃Their　cursed　member　never　sins；〃　replied　the　Parisian；　〃it　knows

neither　father　nor　mother；　the　commandments　of　God；　nor　those　of　the

Church；　neither　laws　divine　or　human：　their　member　knows　no　doctrine；

understands　no　heresies；　and　cannot　be　blamed；　it　is　innocent　of　all；

and　always　on　the　laugh；　its　understanding　is　nil；　and　for　this　reason

do　I　hold　it　in　utter　detestation。〃



〃I　also；〃　said　the　Burgundian；　〃and　I　begin　to　understand　the

different　reading　by　a　learned　man　of　the　verses　of　the　Bible；　in

which　the　account　of　the　creation　is　given。　In　this　Commentary；　which

in　my　country　we　call　a　Noel；　lies　the　reason　of　imperfection　of　this

feature　of　women；　of　which；　different　to　that　of　other　females；　no　man

can　slake　the　thirst；　such　diabolical　heat　existing　there。　In　this

Noel　is　stated　that　the　Lord　God；　having　turned　his　head　to　look　at　a

donkey；　who　had　brayed　for　the　first　time　in　his　Paradise；　while　he

was　manufacturing　Eve；　the　devil　seized　this　moment　to　put　his　finger

into　this　divine　creature；　and　made　a　warm　wound；　which　the　Lord　took

care　to　close　with　a　stitch；　from　which　comes　the　maid。　By　means　of

this　frenum；　the　woman　should　remain　closed；　and　children　be　made　in

the　same　manner　in　which　God　made　the　angels；　by　a　pleasure　far　above

carnal　pleasure　as　the　heaven　is　above　the　earth。　Observing　this

closing；　the　devil；　wild　at　being　done；　pinched　the　Sieur　Adam；　who

was　asleep；　by　the　skin；　and　stretched　a　portion　of　it　out　in

imitation　of　his　diabolical　tail；　but　as　the　father　of　man　was　on　his

back　this　appendage　came　out　in　front。　Thus　these　two　productions　of

the　devil　had　the　desire　to　reunite　themselves；　following　the　law　of

similarities　which　God　had　laid　down　for　the　conduct　of　the　world。

From　this　came　the　first　sin　and　the　sorrows　of　the　human　race；

because　God；　noticing　the　devil's　work；　determined　to　see　what　would

come　of　it。〃



The　servant　declared　that　they　were　quite　correct　in　the　statements；

for　that　woman　was　a　bad　animal；　and　that　she　herself　knew　some　who

were　better　under　the　ground　than　on　it。　The　pilgrims；　noticing　then

how　pretty　the　girl　was；　were　afraid　of　breaking　their　vows；　and　went

straight　to　bed。　The　girl　went　and　told　her　mistress　she　was

harbouring　infidels；　and　told　her　what　they　had　said　about　women。



〃Ah！〃　said　the　landlady；　〃what　matters　it　to　me　the　thoughts　my

customers　have　in　their　brains；　so　long　as　their　purses　are　well

filled。〃



And　when　the　servant　had　told　of　the　jewels；　she　exclaimed



〃Ah；　these　are　questions　which　concern　all　women。　Let　us　go　and　reason

with　them。　I'll　take　the　nobles；　you　can　have　the　citizen。〃



The　landlady；　who　was　the　most　shameless　inhabitant　of　the　duchy　of

Milan；　went　into　the　chamber　where　the　Sire　de　La　Vaugrenand　and　the

German　baron　were　sleeping；　and　congratulated　them　upon　their　vows；

saying　that　the　women　would　not　lose　much　by　them；　but　to　accomplish

these　said　vows　it　was　necessary　they　should　endeavour　to　withstand

the　strongest　temptations。　Then　she　offered　to　lie　down　beside　them；

so　anxious　were　she　to　see　if　she　would　be　left　unmolested；　a　thing

which　had　never　happened　to　her　yet　in　the　company　of　a　man。



On　the　morrow；　at　breakfast；　the　servant　had　the　ring　on　her　finger；

her　mistress　had　the　gold　chain　and　the　pearl　earrings。　The　three

pilgrims　stayed　in　the　town　about　a　month；　spending　there　all　the

money　they　had　in　their　purses；　and　agreed　that　if　they　had　spoken　so

severely　of　women　it　was　because　they　had　not　known　those　of　Milan。



On　his　return　to　Germany　the　Baron　made　this　observation：　that　he　was

only　guilty　of　one　sin；　that　of　being　in　his　castle。　The　Citizen　of

Paris　came　back　full　of　stories　for　his　wife；　and　found　her　full　of

Hope。　The　Burgundian　saw　Madame　de　La　Vaugrenand　so　troubled　that　he

nearly　died　of　the　consolations　he　administered　to　her；　in　spite　of

his　former　opinions。　This　teaches　us　to　hold　our　tongues　in

hostelries。







INNOCENCE



By　the　double　crest　of　my　fowl；　and　by　the　rose　lining　of　my

sweetheart's　slipper！　By　all　the　horns　of　well…beloved　cuckolds；　and

by　the　virtue　of　their　blessed　wives！　the　finest　work　of　man　is

neither　poetry；　nor　painted　pictures；　nor　music；　nor　castles；　nor

statues；　be　they　carved　never　so　well；　nor　rowing；　nor　sailing

galleys；　but　children。



Understand　me；　children　up　to　the　age　of　ten　years；　for　after　that

they　become　men　or　women；　and　cutting　their　wisdom　teeth；　are　not

worth　what　they　cost；　the　worst　are　the　best。　Watch　them　playing；

prettily　and　innocently；　with　slippers；　above　all；　cancellated　ones；

with　the　household　utensils；　leaving　that　which　displeases　them；

crying　after　that　which　pleases　them；　munching　the　sweets　and

confectionery　in　the　house；　nibbling　at　the　stores；　and　always

laughing　as　soon　as　their　teeth　are　cut；　and　you　will　agree　with　me

that　they　are　in　every　way　lovable；　besides　which　they　are　flower　and

fruitthe　fruit　of　love；　the　flower　of　life。　Before　their　minds　have

been　unsettled　by　the　disturbances　of　life；　there　is　nothing　in　this

world　more　blessed　or　more　pleasant　than　their　sayings；　which　are

naive　beyond　description。　This　is　as　true　as　the　double　chewing

machine　of　a　cow。　Do　not　expect　a　man　to　be　innocent　after　the　manner

of　children；　because　there　is　an；　I　know　not　what；　ingredient　of

reason　in　the　naivety　of　a　man；　while　the　naivety　of　children　is

candid；　immaculate；　and　has　all　the　finesse　of　the　mother；　which　is

plainly　proved　in　this　tale。



Queen　Catherine　was　at　that　time　Dauphine；　and　to　make　herself　welcome

to　the　king；　her　father…in…law；　who　at　that　time　was　very　ill　indeed；

presented　him；　from　time　to　time；　with　Italian　pictures；　knowing　that

he　liked　them　much；　being　a　friend　of　the　Sieur　Raphael　d'Urbin　and　of

the　Sieurs　Primatice　and　Leonardo　da　Vinci；　to　whom　he　sent　large　sums

of　money。　She　obtained　from　her　familywho　had　the　pick　of　these

works；　because　at　that　time　the　Duke　of　the　Medicis　governed　Tuscany

a　precious　picture；　painted　by　a　Venetian　named　Titian　（artist　to　the

Emperor　Charles；　and　in　very　high　flavour）；　in　which　there　were

portraits　of　Adam　and　Eve　at　the　moment　when　God　left　them　to　wander

about　the　terrestrial　Paradise；　and　were　painted　their　full　height；　in

the　costume　of　the　period；　in　which　it　is　difficult　to　make　a　mistake；

because　they　were　attired　in　their　ignorance；　and　caparisoned　with　the

divine　grace　which　enveloped　thema　difficult　thing　to　execute　on

account　of　the　colour；　but　one　in　which　the　said　Sieur　Titian

excelled。　The　picture　was　put　into　the　room　of　the　poor　king；　who　was

then　ill　with　the　disease　of　which　he　eventually　died。　It　had　a　great

success　at　the　Court　of　France；　where　everyone　wished　to　see　it；　but

no　one　was　able　to