ragged lady, v2-第38章
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〃I didn't know it。〃
〃Yes。 ButI couldn't； then。 And nowhe's written to me。 He wants me
to let him come ova； and see me。〃
〃Andand will you？〃 asked Miss Milray； rather breathlessly。
〃I don't know。 I don't know as I'd ought。 I should like to see him； so
as to be puffectly su'a。 But if I let him come； and then didn't It
wouldn't be right！ I always felt as if I'd ought to have seen then that
he ca'ed for me； and stopped him； but I didn't。 No； I didn't；〃 she
repeated； nervously。 〃I respected him； and I liked him； but I neva〃
She stopped； and then she asked； 〃What do you think I'd ought to do； Miss
Milray？〃
Miss Milray hesitated。 She was thinking superficially that she had never
heard Clementina say had ought； so much； if ever before。 Interiorly she
was recurring to a sense of something like all this before； and to the
feeling which she had then that Clementina was really cold…blooded and
self…seeking。 But she remembered that in her former decision； Clementina
had finally acted from her heart and her conscience； and she rose from
her suspicion with a rebound。 She dismissed as unworthy of Clementina
any theory which did not account for an ideal of scrupulous and unselfish
justice in her。
〃That is something that nobody can say but yourself； Clementina；〃 she
answered； gravely。
〃Yes；〃 sighed Clementina； 〃I presume that is so。〃
She rose； and took her little girl from Miss Milray's knee。 〃Say good…
bye；〃 she bade； looking tenderly down at her。
Miss Milray expected the child to put up her lips to be kissed。 But she
let go her mother's hand； took her tiny skirts between her finger…tips；
and dropped a curtsey。
〃You little witch！〃 cried Miss Milray。 〃I want a hug；〃 and she crushed
her to her breast； while the child twisted her face round and anxiously
questioned her mother's for her approval。 〃Tell her it'；s all right；
Clementina！〃 cried Miss Milray。 〃When she's as old as you were in
Florence； I'm going to make you give her to me。〃
〃Ah' you going back to Florence？〃 asked Clementina； provisionally。
〃Oh； no！ You can't go back to anything。 That's what makes New York so
impossible。 I think we shall go to Los Angeles。〃
XL。
On her way home Clementina met a man walking swiftly forward。 A sort of
impassioned abstraction expressed itself in his gait and bearing。 They
had both entered the shadow of the deep pine woods that flanked the way
on either side； and the fallen needles helped with the velvety summer
dust of the roadway to hush their steps from each other。 She saw him far
off； but he was not aware of her till she was quite near him。
〃Oh！〃 he said； with a start。 〃You filled my mind so full that I couldn't
have believed you were anywhere outside of it。 I was coming to get you
I was coming to get my answer。〃
Gregory had grown distinctly older。 Sickness and hardship had left
traces in his wasted face； but the full beard he wore helped to give him
an undue look of age。
〃I don't know；〃 said Clementina； slowly； 〃as I've got an answa fo' you；
Mr。 Gregoryyet。〃
〃No answer is better that the one I am afraid of！〃
〃Oh； I'm not so sure of that；〃 she said； with gentle perplexity； as she
stood； holding the hand of her little girl； who stared shyly at the
intense face of the man before her。
〃I am；〃 he retorted。 〃I have been thinking it all ever； Clementina。
I've tried not to think selfishly about it； but I can't pretend that my
wish isn't selfish。 It is！ I want you for myself； and because I've
always wanted you； and not for any other reason。 I never cared for any
one but you in the way I cared for you； and〃
〃Oh！〃 she grieved。 〃I never ca'ed at all for you after I saw him。〃
〃I know it must be shocking to you； I haven't told you with any wretched
hope that it would commend me to you！〃
〃I don't say it was so very bad；〃 said Clementina； reflectively； 〃if it
was something you couldn't help。〃
〃It was something I couldn't help。 Perhaps I didn't try 。〃
〃Did…she know it？〃
〃She knew it from the first； I told her before we were married。〃
Clementina drew back a little； insensibly pulling her child with her。
〃I don't believe I exactly like it。〃
〃I knew you wouldn't ！ If I could have thought you would； I hope I
shouldn't have wishedand fearedso much to tell you。〃
〃Oh； I know you always wanted to do what you believed was right； Mr。
Gregory；〃 she answered。 〃But I haven't quite thought it out yet。 You
mustn't hurry me。〃
〃No； no！ Heaven forbid。〃 He stood aside to let her pass。
〃I was just going home；〃 she added。
〃May I go with you？〃
〃Yes； if you want to。 I don't know but you betta； we might as well；
I want to talk with you。 Don't you think it's something we ought to talk
about…sensibly？〃
〃Why； of course！ And I shall try to be guided by you； I should always
submit to be ruled by you； if〃
〃That's not what I mean； exactly 。 I don't want to do the ruling。 You
don't undastand me。〃
〃I'm afraid I don't；〃 he assented； humbly。
〃If you did； you wouldn't say thatso。〃 He did not venture to make any
answer； and they walked on without speaking； till she asked； 〃Did you
know that Miss Milray was at the Middlemount？〃
〃Miss Milray！ Of Florence？〃
〃With her brother。 I didn't see him； Mrs。 Milray is not he'a； they ah'
divo'ced。 Miss Milray used to be very nice to me in Florence。 She isn't
going back there any moa。 She says you can't go back to anything。
Do you think we can？〃
She had left moments between her incoherent sentences where he might
interrupt her if he would； but he waited for her question。 〃I hoped we
might； but perhaps〃
〃No； no。 We couldn't。 We couldn't go back to that night when you threw
the slippas into the riva； no' to that time in Florence when we gave up；
no' to that day in Venice when I had to tell you that I ca'ed moa fo'
some one else。 Don't you see？〃
〃Yes； I see；〃 he said； in quick revulsion from the hope he had expressed。
〃The past is full of the pain and shame of my errors！〃
〃I don't want to go back to what's past； eitha；〃 she reasoned； without
gainsaying him。
She stopped again； as if that were all； and he asked； 〃Then is that my
answer？〃
〃I don't believe that even in the otha wo'ld we shall want to go back to
the past； much； do you？〃 she pursued； thoughtfully。
Once Gregory would have answered confidently； he even now checked an
impulse to do so。 〃I don't know；〃 he owned； meekly。
〃I do like you； Mr。 Gregory！〃 she relented； as if touched by his
meekness； to the confession。 〃You know I domoa than I ever expected to
like anybody again。 But it's not because I used to like you； or because
I think you always acted nicely。 I think it was cruel of you； if you
ca'ed for me； to let me believe you didn't； afta that fust time。 I can't
eva think it wasn't； no matta why you did it。〃
〃It was atrocious。 I can see that now。〃
〃I say it； because I shouldn't eva wish to say it again。 I know that all
the time you we'e betta than what you did； and I blame myself a good deal
moa fo' not knowing when you came to Florence that I had begun to ca'e
fo'some one else。 But I did wait till I could see you again； so as to be
su'a which I ca'ed for the most。 I tried to be fai'a； before I told
you that I wanted to be free。 That is all；〃 she said； gently； and
Gregory perceived that the word was left definitely to him。
He could not take it till he had disciplined himself to accept
unmurmuringly his sentence as he understood it。 〃At any rate；〃 he began；
〃I can thank you for rating my motive above my conduct。〃
〃Oh；〃 she said。 〃I don't think either of us acted very well。 I didn't
know till aftawa'ds that I was glad to have you give up； the way you did
in Florence。 I wasbewild'ed。 But I ought to have known； and I want
you to undastand everything； now。 I don't ca'e for you because I used to
when I was almost a child； and I shouldn't want you to ca'e for me eitha；
because you did then。 That's why I wish you had neva felt that you had
always ca'ed fo' me。〃
〃Yes；〃 said Gregory。 He let fall his head in despair。
〃That is what I mean；〃 said Clementina。 〃If we ah' going to begin
togetha； now； it's got to be as if we ha
