mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第56章
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a volcano would turn itself loose just as they got located。 They led
that uncertain； strenuous existence for about twenty…five million years；
always wondering what was going to happen next； never suspecting that it
was just a preparation for man； who had to be done just so or there
wouldn't be any proper or harmonious place for him when he arrived； and
then at last the monkey came； and everybody could see at a glance that
man wasn't far off now； and that was true enough。 The monkey went on
developing for close upon five million years； and then he turned into a
manto all appearances。
〃It does look like a lot of fuss and trouble to go through to build
anything； especially a human being； and nowhere along the way is there
any evidence of where he picked up that final assethis imagination。 It
makes him different from the othersnot any better； but certainly
different。 Those earlier animals didn't have it； and the monkey hasn't
it or he wouldn't be so cheerful。〃
＇Paine records Twain's thoughts in that magnificent essay： 〃Was the
World Made for Man〃 published long after his death in the group of
essays under the title 〃Letters from the Earth。 There are minor
additions in the published version： 'coal' to fry the fish in； and
the remnants of life being chased from pole to pole 〃without a dry
rag on them；〃； and the coat of paint on the top of the bulb on top
of the Eiffel Tower representing man's portion of this world's
history。〃 D。W。＇
He often held forth on the shortcomings of the human racealways a
favorite subjectthe incompetencies and imperfections of this final
creation； in spite of； or because of； his great attributethe
imagination。 Once （this was in the billiard…room） I started him by
saying that whatever the conditions in other planets； there seemed no
reason why life should not develop in each； adapted as perfectly to
prevailing conditions as man is suited to conditions here。 He said：
〃Is it your idea； then； that man is perfectly adapted to the conditions
of this planet？〃
I began to qualify； rather weakly； but what I said did not matter。 He
was off on his favorite theme。
〃Man adapted to the earth？〃 he said。 〃Why； he can't sleep out…of…doors
without freezing to death or getting the rheumatism or the malaria； he
can't keep his nose under water over a minute without being drowned； he
can't climb a tree without falling out and breaking his neck。 Why； he's
the poorest； clumsiest excuse of all the creatures that inhabit this
earth。 He has got to be coddled and housed and swathed and bandaged and
up holstered to be able to live at all。 He is a rickety sort of a thing；
anyway you take him； a regular British Museum of infirmities and
inferiorities。 He is always under going repairs。 A machine that is as
unreliable as he is would have no market。 The higher animals get their
teeth without pain or inconvenience。 The original cave man； the
troglodyte； may have got his that way。 But now they come through months
and months of cruel torture； and at a time of life when he is least able
to bear it。 As soon as he gets them they must all be pulled out again；
for they were of no value in the first place； not worth the loss of a
night's rest。 The second set will answer for a while； but he will never
get a set that can be depended on until the dentist makes one。 The
animals are not much troubled that way。 In a wild state； a natural
state； they have few diseases； their main one is old age。 But man starts
in as a child and lives on diseases to the end as a regular diet。 He has
mumps； measles； whooping…cough； croup； tonsilitis； diphtheria； scarlet…
fever； as a matter of course。 Afterward； as he goes along； his life
continues to be threatened at every turn by colds； coughs； asthma；
bronchitis； quinsy； consumption； yellow…fever； blindness； influenza；
carbuncles； pneumonia； softening of the brain； diseases of the heart and
bones； and a thousand other maladies of one sort and another。 He's just
a basketful of festering； pestilent corruption； provided for the support
and entertainment of microbes。 Look at the workmanship of him in some of
its particulars。 What are his tonsils for？ They perform no useful
function； they have no value。 They are but a trap for tonsilitis and
quinsy。 And what is the appendix for？ It has no value。 Its sole
interest is to lie and wait for stray grape…seeds and breed trouble。
What is his beard for？ It is just a nuisance。 All nations persecute it
with the razor。 Nature； however； always keeps him supplied with it；
instead of putting it on his head； where it ought to be。 You seldom see
a man bald…headed on his chin； but on his head。 A man wants to keep his
hair。 It is a graceful ornament； a comfort； the best of all protections
against weather； and he prizes it above emeralds and rubies； and Nature
half the time puts it on so it won't stay。
〃Man's sight and smell and hearing are all inferior。 If he were suited
to the conditions he could smell an enemy； he could hear him； he could
see him； just as the animals can detect their enemies。 The robin hears
the earthworm burrowing his course under the ground； the bloodhound
follows a scent that is two days old。 Man isn't even handsome； as
compared with the birds； and as for style； look at the Bengal tigerthat
ideal of grace； physical perfection； and majesty。 Think of the lion and
the tiger and the leopard； and then think of manthat poor thing！the
animal of the wig； the ear…trumpet； the glass eye； the porcelain teeth；
the wooden leg； the trepanned skull； the silver wind…pipea creature
that is mended and patched all over from top to bottom。 If he can't get
renewals of his bric…a…brac in the next world what will he look like？ He
has just that one stupendous superiorityhis imagination； his intellect。
It makes him supremethe higher animals can't match him there。 It's
very curious。〃
A letter which he wrote to J。 Howard Moore concerning his book The
Universal Kinship was of this period； and seems to belong here。
DEAR MR。 MOORE； The book has furnished me several days of deep
pleasure & satisfaction。； it has compelled my gratitude at the same
time； since it saves me the labor of stating my own long…cherished
opinions & reflections & resentments by doing it lucidly & fervently
& irascibly for me。
There is one thing that always puzzles me： as inheritors of the
mentality of our reptile ancestors we have improved the inheritance
by a thousand grades； but in the matter of the morals which they
left us we have gone backward as many grades。 That evolution is
strange & to me unaccountable & unnatural。 Necessarily we started
equipped with their perfect and blemishless morals； now we are
wholly destitute； we have no real morals； but only artificial ones
morals created and preserved by the forced suppression of natural &
healthy instincts。 Yes； we are a sufficiently comical invention； we
humans。
Sincerely yours；
S。 L。 CLEMENS。
CCLIII
AN EVENING WITH HELEN KELLER
I recall two pleasant social events of that winter： one a little party
given at the Clemenses' home on New…Year's Eve； with charades and story…
telling and music。 It was the music feature of this party that was
distinctive； it was supplied by wire through an invention known as the
telharmonium which； it was believed； would revolutionize musical
entertainment in such places as hotels； and to some extent in private
houses。 The music came over the regular telephone wire； and was
delivered through a series of horns or megaphonessimilar to those used
for phonographsthe playing being done； meanwhile； by skilled performers
at the central station。 Just why the telharmonium has not made good its
promises of popularity I do not know。 Clemens was filled with enthusiasm
over the idea。 He made a speech a little before midnight； in which he
told how he had generally been enthusiastic about inventions which had
turned out more or less well in about equal proportions。 He did not
dwell on the f
