mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第54章
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always on his mantelpiece。
CCLII
THEOLOGY AND EVOLUTION
》From the Washington trip dates a period of still closer association with
Mark Twain。 On the way to New York he suggested that I take up residence
in his housea privilege which I had no wish to refuse。 There was room
going to waste； he said； and it would be handier for the early and late
billiard sessions。 So； after that； most of the days and nights I was
there。
Looking back on that time now； I see pretty vividly three quite distinct
pictures。 One of them； the rich； red interior of the billiard…room with
the brilliant； green square in the center； on which the gay balls are
rolling； and bending over it that luminous white figure in the instant of
play。 Then there is the long； lighted drawing…room with the same figure
stretched on a couch in the corner； drowsily smoking； while the rich
organ tones fill the place summoning for him scenes and faces which
others do not see。 This was the hour between dinner and billiardsthe
hour which he found most restful of the day。 Sometimes he rose； walking
the length of the parlors； his step timed to the music and his thought。
Of medium height； he gave the impression of being tall…his head thrown
up； and like a lion's； rather large for his body。 But oftener he lay
among the cushions； the light flooding his white hair and dress and
heightening his brilliant coloring。
The third picture is that of the dinner…tablealways beautifully laid；
and always a shrine of wisdom when he was there。 He did not always talk；
but it was his habit to do so； and memory holds the clearer vision of him
when； with eyes and face alive with interest； he presented some new angle
of thought in fresh picturesqueness of speech。 These are the pictures
that have remained to me out of the days spent under his roof； and they
will not fade while memory lasts。
Of Mark Twain's table philosophies it seems proper to make rather
extended record。 They were usually unpremeditated； and they presented
the man as he was； and thought。 I preserved as much of them as I could；
and have verified phrase and idea； when possible； from his own notes and
other unprinted writings。
This dinner…table talk naturally varied in character from that of the
billiard…room。 The latter was likely to be anecdotal and personal； the
former was more often philosophical and commentative； ranging through a
great variety of subjects scientific； political； sociological； and
religious。 His talk was often of infinitythe forces of creationand
it was likely to be satire of the orthodox conceptions； intermingled with
heresies of his own devising。
Once； after a period of general silence； he said：
〃No one who thinks can imagine the universe made by chance。 It is too
nicely assembled and regulated。 There is； of course； a great Master
Mind； but it cares nothing for our happiness or our unhappiness。〃
It was objected； by one of those present； that as the Infinite Mind
suggested perfect harmony； sorrow and suffering were defects which that
Mind must feel and eventually regulate。
〃Yes；〃 he said； 〃not a sparrow falls but He is noticing； if that is what
you mean； but the human conception of it is that God is sitting up nights
worrying over the individuals of this infinitesimal race。〃
Then he recalled a fancy which I have since found among his memoranda。
In this note he had written：
The suns & planets that form the constellations of a billion billion
solar systems & go pouring； a tossing flood of shining globes；
through the viewless arteries of space are the blood…corpuscles in
the veins of God； & the nations are the microbes that swarm and
wiggle & brag in each； & think God can tell them apart at that
distance & has nothing better to do than try。 Thisthe
entertainment of an eternity。 Who so poor in his ambitions as to
consent to be God on those terms？ Blasphemy？ No； it is not
blasphemy。 If God is as vast as that； He is above blasphemy； if He
is as little as that； He is beneath it。
〃The Bible；〃 he said； 〃reveals the character of its God with minute
exactness。 It is a portrait of a man； if one can imagine a man with evil
impulses far beyond the human limit。 In the Old Testament He is pictured
as unjust； ungenerous； pitiless； and revengeful； punishing innocent
children for the misdeeds of their parents； punishing unoffending people
for the sins of their rulers； even descending to bloody vengeance upon
harmless calves and sheep as punishment for puny trespasses committed by
their proprietors。 It is the most damnatory biography that ever found
its way into print。 Its beginning is merely childish。 Adam is forbidden
to eat the fruit of a certain tree； and gravely informed that if he
disobeys he shall die。 How could that impress Adam？ He could have no
idea of what death meant。 He had never seen a dead thing。 He had never
heard of one。 If he had been told that if he ate the apples he would be
turned into a meridian of longitude that threat would have meant just as
much as the other one。 The watery intellect that invented that notion
could be depended on to go on and decree that all of Adam's descendants
down to the latest day should be punished for that nursery trespass in
the beginning。
〃There is a curious poverty of invention in Bibles。 Most of the great
races each have one； and they all show this striking defect。 Each
pretends to originality； without possessing any。 Each of them borrows
from the other； confiscates old stage properties； puts them forth as
fresh and new inspirations from on high。 We borrowed the Golden Rule
from Confucius； after it had seen service for centuries； and copyrighted
it without a blush。 We went back to Babylon for the Deluge； and are as
proud of it and as satisfied with it as if it had been worth the trouble；
whereas we know now that Noah's flood never happened； and couldn't have
happenednot in that way。 The flood is a favorite with Bible…makers。
Another favorite with the founders of religions is the Immaculate
Conception。 It had been worn threadbare； but we adopted it as a new
idea。 It was old in Egypt several thousand years before Christ was born。
The Hindus prized it ages ago。 The Egyptians adopted it even for some of
their kings。 The Romans borrowed the idea from Greece。 We got it
straight from heaven by way of Rome。 We are still charmed with it。〃
He would continue in this strain； rising occasionally and walking about
the room。 Once； considering the character of Godthe Bible God…he said：
〃We haven't been satisfied with God's character as it is given in the Old
Testament； we have amended it。 We have called Him a God of mercy and
love and morals。 He didn't have a single one of those qualities in the
beginning。 He didn't hesitate to send the plagues on Egypt； the most
fiendish punishments that could be devisednot for the king； but for his
innocent subjects； the women and the little children； and then only to
exhibit His power just to show offand He kept hardening Pharaoh's heart
so that He could send some further ingenuity of torture； new rivers of
blood； and swarms of vermin and new pestilences； merely to exhibit
samples of His workmanship。 Now and then； during the forty years'
wandering； Moses persuaded Him to be a little more lenient with the
Israelites； which would show that Moses was the better character of the
two。 That Old Testament God never had an inspiration of His own。〃
He referred to the larger conception of God； that Infinite Mind which had
projected the universe。 He said：
〃In some details that Old Bible God is probably a more correct picture
than our conception of that Incomparable One that created the universe
and flung upon its horizonless ocean of space those giant suns； whose
signal…lights are so remote that we only catch their flash when it has
been a myriad of years on its way。 For that Supreme One is not a God of
pity or mercynot as we recognize these qualities。 Think of a God of
mercy who would create the typhus germ； or the house…fly； or the
centipede； or the rattlesnake； yet these are all His handiwork。 They are
a part o
