mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第11章
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platform。
I will correct themnot the facts； but the verdictsstriking out
such clauses as could have a deleterious influence on the other
side； and replacing them with clauses of a more judicious character。
He was much taken with the new idea； and his request for such obituaries；
with an offer of a prize for the besta portrait of himself drawn by his
own handreally appeared in Harper's Weekly later in the year。
Naturally he got a shower of responsesserious； playful； burlesque。
Some of them were quite worth while。
The obvious 〃Death loves a shining Mark〃 was of course numerously
duplicated； and some varied it 〃Death loves an Easy Mark；〃 and there was
〃Mark； the perfect man。〃
The two that follow gave him especial pleasure。
OBITUARY FOR 〃MARK TWAIN〃
Worthy of his portrait； a place on his monument； as well as a place
among his 〃perennial…consolation heirlooms〃：
〃Got up； washed； went to bed。〃
The subject's own words （see Innocents Abroad）。 Can't go back on
your own words； Mark Twain。 There's nothing 〃to strike out〃；
nothing 〃to replace。〃 What more could be said of any one？
〃Got up！〃Think of the fullness of meaning！ The possibilities of
life； its achievementsphysical； intellectual； spiritual。 Got up
to the top！the climax of human aspiration on earth！
〃Washed〃Every whit clean； purifiedbody； soul； thoughts；
purposes。
〃Went to bed〃Work all doneto rest； to sleep。 The culmination of
the day well spent！
God looks after the awakening。
Mrs。 S。 A。 OREN…HAYNES。
Mark Twain was the only man who ever lived； so far as we know； whose
lies were so innocent； and withal so helpful； as to make them worth
more than a whole lot of fossilized priests' eternal truths。
D。 H。 KENNER。
CCXIX
YACHTING AND THEOLOGY
Clemens made fewer speeches during the Riverdale period。 He was as
frequently demanded； but he had a better excuse for refusing； especially
the evening functions。 He attended a good many luncheons with friendly
spirits like Howells； Matthews； James L。 Ford； and Hamlin Garland。 At
the end of February he came down to the Mayor's dinner given to Prince
Henry of Prussia； but he did not speak。 Clemens used to say afterward
that he had not been asked to speak； and that it was probably because of
his supposed breach of etiquette at the Kaiser's dinner in Berlin； but
the fact that Prince Henry sought him out； and was most cordially and
humanly attentive during a considerable portion of the evening； is
against the supposition。
Clemens attended a Yale alumni dinner that winter and incidentally
visited Twichell in Hartford。 The old question of moral responsibility
came up and Twichell lent his visitor a copy of Jonathan Edwards's
'Freedom of the Will' for train perusal。 Clemens found it absorbing。
Later he wrote Twichell his views。
DEAR JOE；（After compliments。）＇Meaning 〃What a good time you gave
me； what a happiness it was to be under your roof again；〃 etc。 See
opening sentence of all translations of letters passing between Lord
Roberts and Indian princes and rulers。＇ From Bridgeport to New
York； thence to home； & continuously until near midnight I wallowed
& reeked with Jonathan in his insane debauch； rose immensely
refreshed & fine at ten this morning； but with a strange & haunting
sense of having been on a three days' tear with a drunken lunatic。
It is years since I have known these sensations。 All through the
book is the glare of a resplendent intellect gone mada marvelous
spectacle。 No； not all through the book
the drunk does not come on till the last third； where what I take
to be Calvinism & its God begins to show up & shine red & hideous in
the glow from the fires of hell； their only right and proper
adornment。
Jonathan seems to hold （as against the Armenian position） that the
man （or his soul or his will） never creates an impulse itself； but
is moved to action by an impulse back of it。 That's sound！
Also； that of two or more things offered it； it infallibly chooses
the one which for the moment is most pleasing to ITSELF。 Perfectly
correct！ An immense admission for a man not otherwise sane。
Up to that point he could have written Chapters III & IV of my
suppressed Gospel。 But there we seem to separate。 He seems to
concede the indisputable & unshaken dominion of Motive & Necessity
（call them what he may； these are exterior forces & not under the
man's authority； guidance； or even suggestion）； then he suddenly
flies the logical track & （to all seeming） makes the man & not those
exterior forces responsible to God for the man's thoughts； words； &
acts。 It is frank insanity。
I think that when he concedes the autocratic dominion of Motive and
Necessity he grants a third position of minethat a man's mind is a
mere machinean automatic machinewhich is handled entirely from
the outside； the man himself furnishing it absolutely nothing； not
an ounce of its fuel； & not so much as a bare suggestion to that
exterior engineer as to what the machine shall do nor how it shall
do it nor when。
After that concession it was time for him to get alarmed & shirk
for he was pointed straight for the only rational & possible next
station on that piece of roadthe irresponsibility of man to God。
And so he shirked。 Shirked； and arrived at this handsome result：
Man is commanded to do so & so。
It has been ordained from the beginning of time that some men
sha'n't & others can't。
These are to blame： let them be damned。
I enjoy the Colonel very much； & shall enjoy the rest of him with an
obscene delight。
Joe； the whole tribe shout love to you & yours！
MARK。
Clemens was moved to set down some theology of his own； and did so in a
manuscript which he entitled； 〃If I Could Be There。〃 It is in the
dialogue form he often adopted for polemic writing。 It is a colloquy
between the Master of the Universe and a Stranger。 It begins：
I
If I could be there； hidden under the steps of the throne； I should hear
conversations like this：
A STRANGER。 Lord； there is one who needs to be punished； and has been
overlooked。 It is in the record。 I have found it。
LORD。 By searching？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 Who is it？ What is it？
S。 A man。
L。 Proceed。
S。 He died in sin。 Sin committed by his great…grandfather。
L。 When was this？
S。 Eleven million years ago。
L。 Do you know what a microbe is？
S。 Yes； Lord。 It is a creature too small to be detected by my eye。
L。 He commits depredations upon your blood？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 I give you leave to subject him to a billion years of misery for this
offense。 Go！ Work your will upon him。
S。 But； Lord； I have nothing against him； I am indifferent to him。
L。 Why？
S。 He is so infinitely small and contemptible。 I am to him as is a
mountain…range to a grain of sand。
L。 What am I to man？
S。 （Silent。）
L。 Am I not； to a man； as is a billion solar systems to a grain of sand？
S。 It is true； Lord。
L。 Some microbes are larger than others。 Does man regard the
difference？
S。 No； Lord。 To him there is no difference of consequence。 To him they
are all microbes； all infinitely little and equally inconsequential。
L。 To me there is no difference of consequence between a man & a
microbe。 Man looks down upon the speck at his feet called a microbe from
an altitude of a thousand miles； so to speak； and regards him with
indifference； I look down upon the specks called a man and a microbe from
an altitude of a billion leagues； so to speak； and to me they are of a
size。 To me both are inconsequential。 Man kills the microbes when he
can？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 Then what？ Does he keep him in mind years and
