the notch on the ax and on being found out-第84章
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There are many things even here which are living and shall live；
and if it were otherwise； in everything； life that ends in death is
better than no life at all。〃
〃You say that；〃 he answered； 〃because for you these things are yet
living。 To leave life now； therefore； while it is full and sweet；
untainted by death； surely that is not a fate to fear。 Better； a
thousand times better； to see the cord cut with one blow while it
is still whole and strong； and to launch out straight into the
great ocean； than to sit watching through the slow years； while
strand after strand； thread by thread； loosens and unwinds itself；
each with its own separate pang breaking； bringing the bitterness
of death without its release。
His manner； the despairing ring in his voice； alarmed me even more
than his words。 Clinging to his arm with both hands； while the
tears sprang to my eyes
〃Alan；〃 I cried； 〃don't say such things；don't talk like that。
You are making me miserable。〃
He stopped short at my words； with bent head； his features hidden
in the shadow thus cast upon them；nothing in his motionless form
to show what was passing within him。 Then he looked up； and turned
his face to the moonlight and to me； laying his hand on one of
mine。
〃Don't be afraid；〃 he said； 〃it is all right； my little David。 You
have driven the evil spirit away。〃 And lifting my hand； he pressed
it gently to his lips。 Then drawing it within his arm； he went on；
as he walked forward； 〃And even when it was on me at its worst； I
was not meditating suicide； as I think you imagine。 I am a very
average specimen of humanity；neither brave enough to defy the
possibilities of eternity nor cowardly enough to shirk those of
time。 No； I was only trying idiotically to persuade a girl of
eighteen that life was not worth living； and more futilely still；
myself； that I did not wish her to live。 I am afraid； that in my
mind philosophy and fact have but small connection with each other；
and though my theorizing for your welfare may be true enough； yet；
I cannot help it； Evie；it would go terribly hard with me if
anything were to happen to you。〃
His voice trembled as he finished。 My fear had gone with his
return to his natural manner； but my bewilderment remained。
〃Why SHOULD there anything happen to me？〃 I asked。
〃That is just it；〃 he answered； after a pause； looking straight in
front of him and drawing his hand wearily over his brow。 〃I know
of no reason why there should。〃 Then giving a sigh； as if finally
to dismiss from his mind a worrying subject〃I have acted for the
best；〃 he said； 〃and may God forgive me if I have done wrong。〃
There was a little silence after that； and then he began to talk
again； steadily and quietly。 The subject was deep enough still； as
deep as any that we had touched upon； but both voice and sentiment
were calm； bringing peace to my spirit； and soon making me forget
the wonder and fear of a few moments before。 Very openly did he
talk as we passed on across the long trunk shadows and through the
glades of silver light； and I saw farther then into the most sacred
recesses of his soul than I have ever done before or since。
When we reached home the moon had already set； but some of her
beams seemed to have been left behind within my heart； so pure and
peaceful was the light which filled it。
The same feeling continued with me all through that evening。 After
dinner some of the party played and sang。 As it was Sunday； and
Lucy was rigid in her views； the music was of a sacred character。
I sat in a low armchair in a dark corner of the room； my mind too
dreamy to think； and too passive to dream。 I hardly interchanged
three words with Alan； who remained in a still darker spot；
invisible and silent the whole time。 Only as we left the room to
go to bed； I heard Lucy ask him if he had a headache。 I did not
hear his answer； and before I could see his face he had turned back
again into the drawing…room。
V
It was early； and when first I got to my room I felt little
inclined for sleep。 I wandered to the window； and drawing aside
the curtains； looked out upon the still； starlit sky。 At least I
should rest quiet to…night。 The air was very clear； and the sky
seemed full of stars。 As I stood there scraps of schoolroom
learning came back to my mind。 That the stars were all suns；
surrounded perhaps in their turn by worlds as large or larger than
our own。 Worlds beyond worlds； and others farther still； which no
man might number or even descry。 And about the distance of those
wonderful suns too；that one； for instance； at which I was
looking；what was it that I had been told？ That our world was not
yet peopled； perhaps not yet formed； when the actual spot of light
which now struck my sight first started from the star's surface！
While it flashed along； itself the very symbol of speed； the whole
of mankind had had time to be born； and live； and die！
My gaze dropped； and fell upon the dim； half…seen outline of the
Dead Stone。 That woman too。 While that one ray speeded towards me
her life had been lived and ended； and her body had rotted away
into the ground。 How close together we all were！ Her life and
mine； our joys； sufferings； deathsall crowded together into the
space of one flash of light！ And yet there was nothing there but a
horrible skeleton of dead bones； while I！
I stopped with a shudder； and turned back into the room。 I wished
that Alan had not told me what lay under the stone； I wished that I
had never asked him。 It was a ghastly thing to think about； and
spoilt all the beauty of the night to me。
I got quickly into bed； and soon dropped asleep。 I do not know how
long I slept； but when I woke it was with the consciousness again
of that haunting wind。
It was worse than ever。 The world seemed filled with its din。
Hurling itself passionately against the house； it gathered strength
with every gust； till it seemed as if the old walls must soon crash
in ruins round me。 Gust upon gust； blow upon blow； swelling；
lessening； never ceasing。 The noise surrounded me； it penetrated
my inmost being； as all…pervading as silence itself； and wrapping
me in a solitude even more complete。 There was nothing left in the
world but the wind and I； and then a weird intangible doubt as to
my own identity seized me。 The wind was real； the wind with its
echoes of passion and misery from the eternal abyss； but was there
anything else？ What was； and what had been； the world of sense and
of knowledge； my own consciousness； my very self；all seemed
gathered up and swept away in that one sole…existent fury of sound。
I pulled myself together； and getting out of bed； groped my way to
the table which stood between the bed and the fireplace。 The
matches were there； and my half…burnt candle； which I lit。 The
wind penetrating the rattling casement circled round the room； and
the flame of my candle bent and flared and shrank before it；
throwing strange moving lights and shadows in every corner。 I
stood there shivering in my thin nightdress； half stunned by the
cataract of noise beating on the walls outside； and peered
anxiously around me。 The room was not the same。 Something was
changed。 What was it？ How the shadows leaped and fell； dancing in
time to the wind's music。 Everything seemed alive。 I turned my
head slowly to the left； and then to the right； and then roundand
stopped with a sudden gasp of fear。
The cabinet was open！
I looked away； and back； and again。 There was no room for doubt。
The doors were thrown back； and were waving gently in the draught。
One of the lower drawers was pulled out； and in a sudden flare of
the candle…light I could see something glistening at its bottom。
Then the light dwindled again； the candle was almost out； and the
cabinet showed a dim black mass in the darkness。 Up and down went
the flame； and each returning brightness flashed back at me from
the thing inside the drawer。 I stood fascinated； my eyes fixed
upon the spot； waiting for the fitful glitter as it came and went。
What was there there？ I knew that I must go and see； but I did not
want to。 If only the cabinet would close aga
