the notch on the ax and on being found out-第71章

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are　so　lamentably　mistaken　in　our　judgments？　　Here　was　a　woman　in
whom　my　ignorant　eyes　saw　nothing　at　all　remarkable　except　golden
hair　of　unusual　beauty。　　When　I　say　golden；　I　am　not　speaking
loosely。　　I　do　not　mean　red　or　flaxen　hair；　but　hair　actually
resembling　burnished　gold　more　than　anything　else。　　Its　ripples　on
her　brow　caught　the　light　like　a　coronet。　　This　was　her　one　beauty；
and　it　was　superb。　　For　the　rest；　her　features　were　characterless。
Her　figure　was　tall　and　full；　not　graceful；　but　sweepingly
imposing。　　At　first　I　noticed　nothing　about　her　except　the　braided
splendor　of　her　glorious　hair。〃

He　rose；　and　went　into　his　bedroom；　from　which　he　returned　with　a
small　trinket…box　in　his　hand。　　This　he　laid　open　on　the　table；
disclosing　a　long　strand　of　exquisite　fair　hair　lying　on　a　cushion
of　dark…blue　velvet。

〃Look　at　that；〃　he　said。　　〃Might　it　not　have　been　cut　from　an
angel's　head？〃

〃It　is　certainly　wonderful。〃

〃It　must　have　been　hair　like　this　which　crowned　the　infamous　head
of　Lucrezia　Borgia；〃　he　said；　bitterly。　　〃She；　too；　had　golden
hair；　but　hers　must　have　been　of　paler　tint；　like　her　nature。〃

He　resumed　his　seat；　and；　fixing　his　eyes　upon　the　lock；　continued：

〃She　was　one　of　Ottilie's　friendsdear　friends；　they　called　each
other；which　meant　that　they　kissed　each　other　profusely；　and　told
each　other　all　their　secrets；　or　as　much　as　the　lying　nature　of　the
sex　permitted　and　suggested。　　It　is；　of　course；　impossible　for　me
to　disentangle　my　present　knowledge　from　my　past　impressions　so　as
to　give　you　a　clear　description　of　what　I　then　thought　of　Agalma。
Enough　that；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I　distinctly　remember　not　to　have
admired　her；　and　to　have　told　Ottilie　so；　and　when　Ottilie；　in
surprise　at　my　insensibility；　assured　me　that　men　were　in　general
wonderfully　charmed　with　her　（though；　for　her　part；　she　had　never
understood　why）；　I　answered；　and　answered　sincerely；　that　it　might
be　true　with　the　less　refined　order　of　men；　but　men　of　taste　would
certainly　be　rather　repelled　from　her。

〃This　opinion　of　mine；　or　some　report　of　it；　reached　Agalma。

〃It　may　have　been　the　proximate　cause　of　my　sorrows。　　Without　this
stimulus　to　her　vanity；　she　might　have　left　me　undisturbed。　　I
don't　know。　　All　I　know　is；　that　over　many　men　Agalma　exercised
great　influence；　and　that　over　me　she　exercised　the　spell　of
fascination。　　No　other　word　will　explain　her　influence；　for　it　was
not　based　on　excellences　such　as　the　mind　could　recognize　to　be
attractions；　it　was　based　on　a　mysterious　personal　power；　something
awful　in　its　mysteriousness；　as　all　demoniac　powers　are。　　One
source　of　her　influence　over　men　I　think　I　can　explain：　she　at　once
captivated　and　repelled　them。　　By　artful　appeals　to　their　vanity；
she　made　them　interested　in　her　and　in　her　opinion　of　them；　and　yet
kept　herself　inaccessible　by　a　pride　which　was　the　more　fascinating
because　it　always　seemed　about　to　give　way。　　Her　instinct　fastened
upon　the　weak　point　in　those　she　approached。　　This　made　her
seductive　to　men；　because　she　flattered　their　weak　points；　and
hateful　to　women；　because　she　flouted　and　disclosed　their　weak
points。

〃Her　influence　over　me　began　in　the　following　way。　　One　day；　at　a
picnic；　having　been　led　by　her　into　a　conversation　respecting　the
relative　inferiority　of　the　feminine　intellect；　I　was　forced　to
speak　rather　more　earnestly　than　usual；　when　suddenly　she　turned　to
me　and　exclaimed　in　a　lower　voice：

〃'I　am　willing　to　credit　anything　you　say；　only　pray　don't　continue
talking　to　me　so　earnestly。'

〃'Why　not？'　I　asked；　surprised。

〃She　looked　at　me　with　peculiar　significance；　but　remained　silent。

〃'May　I　ask　why　not？'　I　asked。

〃'Because；　if　you　do；　somebody　may　be　jealous。'　　There　was　a
laughing　defiance　in　her　eye　as　she　spoke。

〃'And　pray；　who　has　a　right　to　be　jealous　of　me？'

〃'Oh！　you　know　well　enough。'

〃It　was　true；　I　did　know；　and　she　knew　that　I　knew　it。　　To　my　shame
be　it　said　that　I　was　weak　enough　to　yield　to　an　equivocation　which
I　now　see　to　have　been　disloyal；　but　which　I　then　pretended　to　have
been　no　more　than　delicacy　to　Ottilie。　　As；　in　point　of　fact；　there
had　never　been　a　word　passed　between　us　respecting　our　mutual
feelings；　I　considered　myself　bound　in　honor　to　assume　that　there
was　nothing　tacitly　acknowledged。

〃Piqued　by　her　tone　and　look；　I　disavowed　the　existence　of　any
claims　upon　my　attention；　and　to　prove　the　sincerity　of　my　words；　I
persisted　in　addressing　my　attentions　to　her。　　Once　or　twice　I
fancied　I　caught　flying　glances；　in　which　some　of　the　company
criticised　my　conduct；　and　Ottilie　also　seemed　to　me　unusually
quiet。　　But　her　manner；　though　quiet；　was　untroubled　and　unchanged。
I　talked　less　to　her　than　usual；　partly　because　I　talked　so　much　to
Agalma；　and　partly　because　I　felt　that　Agalma's　eyes　were　on　us。
But　no　shadow　of　'temper'　or　reserve　darkened　our　interchange　of
speech。

〃On　our　way　back；　I　know　not　what　devil　prompted　me　to　ask　Agalma
whether　she　had　really　been　in　earnest　in　her　former　allusion　to
'somebody。'

〃'Yes；'　she　said；　'I　was　in　earnest　then。'

〃'And　now？'

〃'Now　I　have　doubts。　　I　may　have　been　misinformed。　　It's　no　concern
of　mine；　anyway；　but　I　had　been　given　to　understand。　　However；　I
admit　that　my　own　eyes　have　not　confirmed　what　my　ears　heard。'

〃This　speech　was　irritating　on　two　separate　grounds。　　It　implied
that　people　were　talking　freely　of　my　attachment；　which；　until　I
had　formally　acknowledged　it；　I　resented　as　an　impertinence；　and　it
implied　that；　from　personal　observation；　Agalma　doubted　Ottilie's
feelings　for　me。　　This　alarmed　my　quick…retreating　pride！　　I；　too；
began　to　doubt。　　Once　let　loose　on　that　field；　imagination　soon　saw
shapes　enough　to　confirm　any　doubt。　　Ottilie's　manner　certainly　had
seemed　less　tendernay；　somewhat　indifferentduring　the　last　few
days。　　Had　the　arrival　of　that　heavy　lout；　her　cousin；　anything　to
do　with　this　change？

〃Not　to　weary　you　by　recalling　all　the　unfolding　stages　of　this
miserable　story　with　the　minuteness　of　detail　which　my　own　memory
morbidly　lingers　on；　I　will　hurry　to　the　catastrophe。　　I　grew　more
and　more　doubtful　of　the　existence　in　Ottilie's　mind　of　any　feeling
stronger　than　friendship　for　me；　and　as　this　doubt　strengthened；
there　arose　the　flattering　suspicion　that　I　was　becoming　an　object
of　greater　interest　to　Agalma；　who　had　quite　changed　her　tone
towards　me；　and　had　become　serious　in　her　speech　and　manner。　　Weeks
passed。　　Ottilie　had　fallen　from　her　pedestal；　and　had　taken　her
place　among　agreeable　acquaintances。　　One　day　I　suddenly　learned
that　Ottilie　was　engaged　to　her　cousin。

〃You　will　not　wonder　that　Agalma；　who　before　this　had　exercised
great　fascination　over　me；　now　doubly　became　an　object　of　the　most
tender　interest。　　I　fell　madly　in　love。　　Hitherto　I　had　never　known
that　passion。　　My　feeling　for　Ottilie　I　saw　was　but　the
inarticulate　stammerings　of　the　mighty　voice　which　now　sounded
throught　the　depths　of　my　nature。　　The　phrase；　madly　in　love；　is　no
exaggeration；　madness　alone　knows　such　a　fever　of　the　brain；　such　a
tumult　of　the　heart。　　It　was　not　that　reason　was　overpowered；　on
the　contrary；　reason　was　intensely　active；　but　active　with　that
logic　of　flames　which　lights　up　the　vision　of　maniacs。

〃Although；　of　course；　my　passion　was　but　too　evident　to　every　one；
I　dreaded　its　premature　avowal；　lest　I　should　lose　her；　and　almost
equally　dreaded　delay；　lest　I　should　suffer　from　that　also。　　At
length　the　avowal　was　extorted　from　me　by　jealousy　of　a　brilliant
PoleKorinskiwho　had　recently　appeared　in　our　circle；　and　was
obviously　casting　me　in　the　shade　by　his　superior　advantages　of
novelty；　of　personal　attraction；　and　of　a　romantic　history。　　She
accepted　me；　and　now；　for　a　time；　I　was　the　happiest　of　mortals。
The　fever　of　the　last　few　weeks　was　abating；　it　gave　place　to　a
deep　tide　of　hopeful　joy。　　Could　I　have　died　then！　　Could　I　have
even　died　shortly　afterwards；　when　I　knew　the　delicious　mystery　of
a　jealousy　not　too　absorbing！　　For　you　must　know　that　my　happiness
was　brief。　　Jealousy；　to　which　all　passion　of　a　deep　and　exacting
power　is　inevitably　allied；　soon