the notch on the ax and on being found out-第70章

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renders　it　natural；　does　yours　profoundly　alter　such　a　conviction？〃

〃My　age；　no。　　But　you　have　the　hopes　of　youth。　　I　have　none。　　I　am
banished　for　ever　from　the　joys　and　sorrows　of　domestic　life；　and
therefore；　to　live　at　all；　must　consecrate　my　soul　to　great
abstractions　and　public　affairs。〃

〃But　why　banished；　unless　self…banished？〃

〃Woman's　love　is　impossible。　　You　look　incredulous。　　I　do　not
allude　to　this；〃　he　said；　taking　up　the　empty　sleeve；　and　by　so
doing　sending　a　shiver　through　me。

〃The　loss　of　your　arm；〃　I　saidand　my　voice　trembled　slightly；　for
I　felt　that　a　crisis　was　at　hand〃although　a　misfortune　to　you；
would　really　be　an　advantage　in　gaining　a　woman's　affections。
Women　are　so　romantic；　and　their　imaginations　are　so　easily
touched！〃

〃Yes；〃　he　replied　bitterly；　〃but　the　trouble　is　that　I　have　not
lost　my　arm。〃

I　started。　　He　spoke　bitterly；　yet　calmly。　　I　awaited　his
explanation　in　great　suspense。

〃To　have　lost　my　arm　in　battle；　or　even　by　an　accident；　would
perhaps　have　lent　me　a　charm　in　woman's　eyes。　　But；　as　I　said；　my
arm　hangs　by　my　sidewithered；　unpresentable。〃

I　breathed　again。　　He　continued　in　the　same　tone；　and　without
noticing　my　looks。

〃But　it　is　not　this　which　banishes　me。　　Woman's　love　might　be　hoped
for；　had　I　far　worse　infirmities。　　The　cause　lies　deeper。　　It　lies
in　my　history。　　A　wall　of　granite　has　grown　up　between　me　and　the
sex。〃

〃But；　my　dear　fellow；　do　youwounded；　as　I　presume　to　guess；　by
some　unworthy　womanextend　the　fault　of　one　to　the　whole　sex？　　Do
you　despair　of　finding　another　true；　because　a　first　was　false？〃

〃They　are　all　false；〃　he　exclaimed　with　energy。　　〃Not；　perhaps；　all
false　from　inherent　viciousness；　though　many　are　that；　but　false
because　their　inherent　weakness　renders　them　incapable　of　truth。
Oh！　I　know　the　catalogue　of　their　good　qualities。　　They　are　often
pitiful；　self…devoting；　generous；　but　they　are　so　by　fits　and
starts；　just　as　they　are　cruel；　remorseless；　exacting；　by　fits　and
starts。　　They　have　no　constancythey　are　too　weak　to　be　constant
even　in　evil；　their　minds　are　all　impressions；　their　actions　are
all　the　issue　of　immediate　promptings。　　Swayed　by　the　fleeting
impulses　of　the　hour；　they　have　only　one　persistent；　calculable
motive　on　which　reliance　can　always　be　placedthat　motive　is
vanity；　you　are　always　sure　of　them　there。　　It　is　from　vanity　they
are　goodfrom　vanity　they　are　evil；　their　devotion　and　their
desertion　equally　vanity。　　I　know　them。　　To　me　they　have　disclosed
the　shallows　of　their　natures。　　God！　how　I　have　suffered　from
them！〃

A　deep；　low　exclamation；　half　sob；　half　curse；　closed　his　tirade。
He　remained　silent　for　a　few　minutes；　looking　on　the　floor；　then；
suddenly　turning　his　eyes　upon　me；　said：

〃Were　you　ever　in　Heidelberg？〃

〃Never。〃

〃I　thought　all　your　countrymen　went　there？　　Then　you　will　never
have　heard　anything　of　my　story。　　Shall　I　tell　you　how　my　youth　was
blighted？　　Will　you　care　to　listen？〃

〃It　would　interest　me　much。〃

〃I　had　reached　the　age　of　seven…and…twenty；〃　he　began；　〃without
having　once　known　even　the　vague　stirrings　of　the　passion　of　love。
I　admired　many　women；　and　courted　the　admiration　of　them　all；　but　I
was　as　yet　not　only　heart…whole；　but；　to　use　your　Shakespeare's
phrase；　Cupid　had　not　tapped　me　on　the　shoulder。

〃This　detail　is　not　unimportant　in　my　story。　　You　may　possibly　have
observed　that　in　those　passionate　natures　which　reserve　their
force；　and　do　not　fritter　away　their　feelings　in　scattered
flirtations　or　trivial　love…affairs；　there　is　a　velocity　and
momentum；　when　the　movement　of　passion　is　once　excited；　greatly
transcending　all　that　is　ever　felt　by　expansive　and　expressive
natures。　　Slow　to　be　moved；　when　they　do　move　it　is　with　the　whole
mass　of　the　heart。　　So　it　was　with　me。　　I　purchased　my　immunity
from　earlier　entanglements　by　the　price　of　my　whole　life。　　I　am　not
what　I　was。　　Between　my　past　and　present　self　there　is　a　gulf；　that
gulf　is　dark；　stormy；　and　profound。　　On　the　far　side　stands　a　youth
of　hope；　energy；　ambition；　and　unclouded　happiness；　with　great
capacities　for　loving；　on　this　side　a　blighted　manhood；　with　no
prospects　but　suffering　and　storm。〃

He　paused。　　With　an　effort　he　seemed　to　master　the　suggestions
which　crowded　upon　his　memory；　and　continued　his　narrative　in　an
equable　tone。

〃I　had　been　for　several　weeks　at　Heidelberg。　　One　of　my　intimate
companions　was　Kestner；　the　architect；　and　he　one　day　proposed　to
introduce　me　to　his　sister…in…law；　Ottilie；　of　whom　he　had
repeatedly　spoken　to　me　in　terms　of　great　affection　and　esteem。

〃We　went；　and　we　were　most　cordially　received。　　Ottilie　justified
Kestner's　praises。　　Pretty；　but　not　strikingly　soclever；　but　not
obtrusively　so；　her　soft　dark　eyes　were　frank　and　winning；　her
manner　was　gentle　and　retiring；　with　that　dash　of　sentimentalism
which　seems　native　to　all　German　girls；　but　without　any　of　the
ridiculous　extravagance　too　often　seen　in　them。　　I　liked　her　all
the　more　because　I　was　perfectly　at　my　ease　with　her；　and　this　was
rarely　the　case　in　my　relations　to　young　women。　　I　don't　enjoy
their　society。

〃You　leap　at　once　to　the　conclusion　that　we　fell　in　love。　　Your
conclusion　is　precipitate。　　Seeing　her　continually；　I　grew　to
admire　and　respect　her；　but　the　significant　smiles；　winks；　and
hints　of　friends；　pointing　unmistakably　at　a　supposed　understanding
existing　between　us；　only　made　me　more　seriously　examine　the　state
of　my　feelings；　and　assured　me　that　I　was　not　in　love。　　It　is　true
that　I　felt　a　serene　pleasure　in　her　society；　and　that　when　away
from　her　she　occupied　much　of　my　thoughts。　　It　is　true　that　I　often
thought　of　her　as　a　wife；　and　in　these　meditations　she　appeared　as
one　eminently　calculated　to　make　a　happy　home。　　But　it　is　no　less
true　that　during　a　temporary　absence　of　hers　of　a　few　weeks　I　felt
no　sort　of　uneasiness；　no　yearning　for　her　presence；　no　vacancy　in
my　life。　　I　knew；　therefore；　that　it　was　not　love　which　I　felt。

〃So　much　for　my　feelings。　　What　of　hers？　　They　seemed　very　like　my
own。　　That　she　admired　me；　and　was　pleased　to　be　with　me；　was
certain。　　That　she　had　a　particle　of　fiery　love　for　me　I　did　not；
could　not　believe。　　And　it　was　probably　this　very　sense　of　her
calmness　which　kept　my　feelings　quiet。　　For　love　is　a　flame　which
often　can　be　kindled　only　by　contact　with　flame。　　Certainly　this　is
so　in　proud；　reserved　natures；　which　are　chilled　by　any　contact
with　temperature　not　higher　than　their　own。

〃On　her　return；　however；　from　that　absence　I　have　mentioned；　I　was
not　a　little　fluttered　by　an　obvious　change　in　her　manner；　an
impression　which　subsequent　meetings　only　served　to　confirm。
Although　still　very　quiet；　her　manner　had　become　more　tender；　and
it　had　that　delicious　shyness　which　is　the　most　exquisite　of
flatteries；　as　it　is　one　of　the　most　enchanting　of　graces。　　I　saw
her　tremble　slightly　beneath　my　voice；　and　blush　beneath　my　gaze。

〃There　was　no　mistaking　these　signs。　　It　was　clear　that　she　loved
me；　and　it　was　no　less　clear　that　I；　taking　fire　at　this　discovery；
was　myself　rapidly　falling　in　love。　　I　will　not　keep　you　from　my
story　by　idle　reflections。　　Take　another　cigar。〃　　He　rose　and　paced
up　and　down　the　room　in　silence。


VII

AGALMA


〃At　this　juncture　there　arrived　from　Paris　the　woman　to　whom　the
great　sorrow　of　my　life　is　due。　　A　fatalist　might　read　in　her
appearance　at　this　particular　moment　the　signs　of　a　prearranged
doom。　　A　few　weeks　later；　and　her　arrival　would　have　been　harmless；
I　should　have　been　shielded　from　all　external　influence　by　the
absorbing　force　of　love。　　But；　alas！　this　was　not　to　be。　　My　fate
had　taken　another　direction。　　The　woman　had　arrived　whose　shadow
was　to　darken　the　rest　of　my　existence。　　That　woman　was　Agalma
Liebenstein。

〃How　is　it　that　the　head　which　we　can　only　see　surrounded　with　a
halo；　or　a　shadow；　when　the　splendors　of　achievement　or　the　infamy
of　shame　instruct　our　eyes；　is　by　the　uninstructed　eye　observed　as
wholly　vulgar？　　We　all　profess　to　be　physiognomists；　how　is　it　we
are　so　lamentably　mistaken　in　our　judgments？　　Here　was　a　woman　in
whom　my　ignorant　eyes　saw　nothing　at