anecdotes of the late samuel johnson-第18章
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ome little quarrel among lovers； relations； and friends was useful； and contributed to their general happiness upon the whole； by making the soul feel her elastic force； and return to the beloved object with renewed delight： 〃Why； what a pernicious maxim is this now；〃 cries Johnson； 〃ALL quarrels ought to be avoided studiously； particularly conjugal ones； as no one can possibly tell where they may end； besides that lasting dislike is often the consequence of occasional disgust； and that the cup of life is surely bitter enough without squeezing in the hateful rind of resentment。〃 It was upon something like the same principle； and from his general hatred of refinement； that when I told him how Dr。 Collier； in order to keep the servants in humour with his favourite dog； by seeming rough with the animal himself on many occasions； and crying out； 〃Why will nobody knock this cur's brains out？〃 meant to conciliate their tenderness towards Pompey； he returned me for answer； 〃that the maxim was evidently false； and founded on ignorance of human life： that the servants would kick the dog sooner for having obtained such a sanction to their severity。 And I once；〃 added he； 〃chid my wife for beating the cat before the maid； who will now；〃 said I； 〃treat puss with cruelty； perhaps； and plead her mistress's example。〃
I asked him upon this if he ever disputed with his wife？ （I had heard that he loved her passionately。） 〃Perpetually；〃 said he： 〃my wife had a particular reverence for cleanliness； and desired the praise of neatness in her dress and furniture； as many ladies do； till they become troublesome to their best friends； slaves to their own besoms； and only sigh for the hour of sweeping their husbands out of the house as dirt and useless lumber。 'A clean floor is SO comfortable；' she would say sometimes； by way of twitting； till at last I told her that I thought we had had talk enough about the FLOOR； we would now have a touch at the CEILING。〃
On another occasion I have heard him blame her for a fault many people have； of setting the miseries of their neighbours half unintentionally； half wantonly before their eyes； showing them the bad side of their profession； situation； etc。 He said； 〃She would lament the dependence of pupilage to a young heir； etc。； and once told a waterman who rowed her along the Thames in a wherry； that he was no happier than a galley…slave； one being chained to the oar by authority； the other by want。 I had； however；〃 said he； laughing； 〃the wit to get her daughter on my side always before we began the dispute。 She read comedy better than anybody he ever heard；〃 he said； 〃in tragedy she mouthed too much。〃
Garrick told Mr。 Thrale； however； that she was a little painted puppet； of no value at all； and quite disguised with affectation； full of odd airs of rural elegance； and he made out some comical scenes； by mimicking her in a dialogue he pretended to have overheard。 I do not know whether he meant such stuff to be believed or no； it was so comical； nor did I indeed ever see him represent her ridiculously； though my husband did。 The intelligence I gained of her from old Levett was only perpetual illness and perpetual opium。 The picture I found of her at Lichfield was very pretty； and her daughter； Mrs。 Lucy Porter； said it was like。 Mr。 Johnson has told me that her hair was eminently beautiful； quite blonde； like that of a baby； but that she fretted about the colour； and was always desirous to dye it black； which he very judiciously hindered her from doing。 His account of their wedding we used to think ludicrous enough。 〃I was riding to church；〃 says Johnson； 〃and she following on another single horse。 She hung back； however； and I turned about to see whether she could get her steed along； or what was the matter。 I had； however； soon occasion to see it was only coquetry； and THAT I DESPISED； so quickening my pace a little； she mended hers； but I believe there was a tear or twopretty dear creature！〃
Johnson loved his dinner exceedingly； and has often said in my hearing； perhaps for my edification； 〃that wherever the dinner is ill got there is poverty or there is avarice； or there is stupidity； in short； the family is somehow grossly wrong： for；〃 continued he； 〃a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does of his dinner； and if he cannot get that well dressed； he should be suspected of inaccuracy in other things。〃 One day； when he was speaking upon the subject； I asked him if he ever huffed his wife about his dinner？ 〃So often；〃 replied he； 〃that at last she called to me； and said； 'Nay； hold； Mr。 Johnson； and do not make a farce of thanking God for a dinner which in a few minutes you will protest not eatable。'〃
When any disputes arose between our married acquaintance； however； Mr。 Johnson always sided with the husband； 〃whom；〃 he said； 〃the woman had probably provoked so often； she scarce knew when or how she had disobliged him first。 Women；〃 says Dr。 Johnson； 〃give great offence by a contemptuous spirit of non…compliance on petty occasions。 The man calls his wife to walk with him in the shade； and she feels a strange desire just at that moment to sit in the sun： he offers to read her a play； or sing her a song； and she calls the children in to disturb them； or advises him to seize that opportunity of settling the family accounts。 Twenty such tricks will the faithfullest wife in the world not refuse to play； and then look astonished when the fellow fetches in a mistress。 Boarding…schools were established；〃 continued he； 〃for the conjugal quiet of the parents。 The two partners cannot agree which child to fondle； nor how to fondle them； so they put the young ones to school； and remove the cause of contention。 The little girl pokes her head； the mother reproves her sharply。 'Do not mind your mamma；' says the father； 'my dear； but do your own way。' The mother complains to me of this。 'Madam；' said I； 'your husband is right all the while； he is with you but two hours of the day； perhaps； and then you tease him by making the child cry。 Are not ten hours enough for tuition？ and are the hours of pleasure so frequent in life； that when a man gets a couple of quiet ones to spend in familiar chat with his wife； they must be poisoned by petty mortifications？ Put missy to school； she will learn to hold her head like her neighbours； and you will no longer torment your family for want of other talk。'〃。
The vacuity of life had at some early period of his life struck so forcibly on the mind of Mr。 Johnson； that it became by repeated impression his favourite hypothesis； and the general tenor of his reasonings commonly ended there； wherever they might begin。 Such things； therefore； as other philosophers often attribute to various and contradictory causes； appeared to him uniform enough； all was done to fill up the time； upon his principle。 I used to tell him that it was like the clown's answer in As You Like It； of 〃Oh； lord； sir！〃 for that it suited every occasion。 One man； for example； was profligate and wild； as we call it； followed the girls； or sat still at the gaming…table。 〃Why； life must be filled up；〃 says Johnson； 〃and the man who is not capable of intellectual pleasures must content himself with such as his senses can afford。〃 Another was a hoarder。 〃Why； a fellow must do something； and what； so easy to a narrow mind as hoarding halfpence till they turn into sixpences。〃 Avarice was a vice against which； however； I never much heard Mr。 Johnson declaim； till one represented it to him connected with cruelty； or some such disgraceful companion。 〃Do not；〃 said he； 〃discourage your children from hoarding if they have a taste to it： whoever lays up his penny rather than part with it for a cake； at least is not the slave of gross appetite； and shows besides a preference always to be esteemed； of the future to the present moment。 Such a mind may be made a good one； but the natural spendthrift； who grasps his pleasures greedily and coarsely； and cares for nothing but immediate indulgence； is very little to be valued above a negro。〃 We talked of Lady Tavistock； who grieved herself to death for the loss of her husband〃She was rich； and wanted employment；〃 says Joh
