lecture08-第4章

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and　sacred　to　me：　　the　inflexible　current　of　my　thought　was　too



strongparents；　family；　memory；　beliefs；　it　forced　me　to　let　go



of　everything。　　The　investigation　went　on　more　obstinate　and　more



severe　as　it　drew　near　its　term；　and　did　not　stop　until　the　end



was　reached。　　I　knew　then　that　in　the　depth　of　my　mind　nothing



was　left　that　stood　erect。







〃This　moment　was　a　frightful　one；　and　when　towards　morning　I



threw　myself　exhausted　on　my　bed；　I　seemed　to　feel　my　earlier



life；　so　smiling　and　so　full；　go　out　like　a　fire；　and　before　me



another　life　opened；　sombre　and　unpeopled；　where　in　future　I　must



live　alone；　alone　with　my　fatal　thought　which　had　exiled　me



thither；　and　which　I　was　tempted　to　curse。　　The　days　which



followed　this　discovery　were　the　saddest　of　my　life。〃＇93＇











＇93＇　Th。　Jouffroy：　　Nouveaux　Melanges　philosophiques；　2me



edition；　p。　83。　　I　add　two　other　cases　of　counter…conversion



dating　from　a　certain　moment。　　The　first　is　from　Professor



Starbuck's　manuscript　collection；　and　the　narrator　is　a　woman。







〃Away　down　in　the　bottom　of　my　heart；　I　believe　I　was　always　more



or　less　skeptical　about　'God；'　skepticism　grew　as　an



undercurrent；　all　through　my　early　youth；　but　it　was　controlled



and　covered　by　the　emotional　elements　in　my　religious　growth。　



When　I　was　sixteen　I　joined　the　church　and　was　asked　if　I　loved



God。　　I　replied　'Yes；'　as　was　customary　and　expected。　　But



instantly　with　a　flash　something　spoke　within　me；　'No；　you　do



not。'　　I　was　haunted　for　a　long　time　with　shame　and　remorse　for



my　falsehood　and　for　my　wickedness　in　not　loving　God；　mingled



with　fear　that　there　might　be　an　avenging　God　who　would　punish　me



in　some　terrible　way。　。　。　。　At　nineteen；　I　had　an　attack　of



tonsilitis。　　Before　I　had　quite　recovered；　I　heard　told　a　story



of　a　brute　who　had　kicked　his　wife　down…stairs；　and　then



continued　the　operation　until　she　became　insensible。　　I　felt　the



horror　of　the　thing　keenly。　　Instantly　this　thought　flashed



through　my　mind：　　'I　have　no　use　for　a　God　who　permits　such



things。'　　This　experience　was　followed　by　months　of　stoical



indifference　to　the　God　of　my　previous　life；　mingled　with



feelings　of　positive　dislike　and　a　somewhat　proud　defiance　of



him。　　I　still　thought　there　might　be　a　God。　　If　so　he　would



probably　damn　me；　but　I　should　have　to　stand　it。　　I　felt　very



little　fear　and　no　desire　to　propitiate　him。　　I　have　never　had



any　personal　relations　with　him　since　this　painful　experience。〃







The　second　case　exemplifies　how　small　an　additional　stimulus　will



overthrow　the　mind　into　a　new　state　of　equilibrium　when　the



process　of　preparation　and　incubation　has　proceeded　far　enough。　



It　is　like　the　proverbial　last　straw　added　to　the　camel's　burden；



or　that　touch　of　a　needle　which　makes　the　salt　in　a



supersaturated　fluid　suddenly　begin　to　crystallize　out。







Tolstoy　writes：　　〃S。；　a　frank　and　intelligent　man；　told　me　as



follows　how　he　ceased　to　believe：







〃He　was　twenty…six　years　old　when　one　day　on　a　hunting



expedition；　the　time　for　sleep　having　come；　he　set　himself　to



pray　according　to　the　custom　he　had　held　from　childhood。







〃His　brother；　who　was　hunting　with　him；　lay　upon　the　hay　and



looked　at　him。　　When　S。　had　finished　his　prayer　and　was　turning



to　sleep；　the　brother　said；　'Do　you　still　keep　up　that　thing？'



Nothing　more　was　said。　　But　since　that　day；　now　more　than　thirty



years　ago；　S。　　has　never　prayed　again；　he　never　takes　communion；



and　does　not　go　to　church。　　All　this；　not　because　he　became



acquainted　with　convictions　of　his　brother　which　he　then　and



there　adopted；　not　because　he　made　any　new　resolution　in　his



soul；　but　merely　because　the　words　spoken　by　his　brother　were



like　the　light　push　of　a　finger　against　a　leaning　wall　already



about　to　tumble　by　its　own　weight。　　These　words　but　showed　him



that　the　place　wherein　he　supposed　religion　dwelt　in　him　had　long



been　empty；　and　that　the　sentences　he　uttered；　the　crosses　and



bows　which　he　made　during　his　prayer；　were　actions　with　no　inner



sense。　　Having　once　seized　their　absurdity；　he　could　no　longer



keep　them　up。〃　　　　Ma　Confession；　p。　8。







I　subjoin　an　additional　document　which　has　come　into　my



possession；　and　which　represents　in　a　vivid　way　what　is　probably



a　very　frequent　sort　of　conversion；　if　the　opposite　of　'falling



in　love；'　falling　out　of　love；　may　be　so　termed。　　Falling　in　love



also　conforms　frequently　to　this　type；　a　latent　process　of



unconscious　preparation　often　preceding　a　sudden　awakening　to　the



fact　that　the　mischief　is　irretrievably　done。　　The　free　and　easy



tone　in　this　narrative　gives　it　a　sincerity　that　speaks　for



itself。







〃For　two　years　of　this　time　I　went　through　a　very　bad　experience；



which　almost　drove　me　mad。　　I　had　fallen　violently　in　love　with　a



girl　who；　young　as　she　was；　had　a　spirit　of　coquetry　like　a　cat。



As　I　look　back　on　her　now；　I　hate　her；　and　wonder　how　I　could



ever　have　fallen　so　low　as　to　be　worked　upon　to　such　an　extent　by



her　attractions。　　Nevertheless；　I　fell　into　a　regular　fever；



could　think　of　nothing　else；　whenever　I　was　alone；　I　pictured　her



attractions；　and　spent　most　of　the　time　when　I　should　have　been



working；　in　recalling　our　previous　interviews；　and　imagining



future　conversations。　　She　was　very　pretty；　good　humored；　and



jolly　to　the　last　degree；　and　intensely　pleased　with　my



admiration。　　Would　give　me　no　decided　answer　yes　or　no　and　the



queer　thing　about　it　was　that　whilst　pursuing　her　for　her　hand；　I



secretly　knew　all　along　that　she　was　unfit　to　be　a　wife　for　me；



and　that　she　never　would　say　yes。　　Although　for　a　year　we　took



our　meals　at　the　same　boarding…house；　so　that　I　saw　her



continually　and　familiarly；　our　closer　relations　had　to　be



largely　on　the　sly；　and　this　fact；　together　with　my　jealousy　of



another　one　of　her　male　admirers　and　my　own　conscience　despising



me　for　my　uncontrollable　weakness；　made　me　so　nervous　and



sleepless　that　I　really　thought　I　should　become　insane。　　I



understand　well　those　young　men　murdering　their　sweethearts；



which　appear　so　often　in　the　papers。　　Nevertheless　I　did　love　her



passionately；　and　in　some　ways　she　did　deserve　it。







〃The　queer　thing　was　the　sudden　and　unexpected　way　in　which　it



all　stopped。　　I　was　going　to　my　work　after　breakfast　one　morning；



thinking　as　usual　of　her　and　of　my　misery；　when；　just　as　if　some



outside　power　laid　hold　of　me；　I　found　myself　turning　round　and



almost　running　to　my　room；　where　I　immediately　got　out　all　the



relics　of　her　which　I　possessed；　including　some　hair；　all　her



notes　and　letters　and　ambrotypes　on　glass。　　The　former　I　made　a



fire　of；　the　latter　I　actually　crushed　beneath　my　heel；　in　a　sort



of　fierce　joy　of　revenge　and　punishment。　　I　now　loathed　and



despised　her　altogether；　and　as　for　myself　I　felt　as　if　a　load　of



disease　had　suddenly　been　removed　from　me。　　That　was　the　end。　　I



never　spoke　to　her　or　wrote　to　her　again　in　all　the　subsequent



years；　and　I　have　never　had　a　single　moment　of　loving　thought



towards　one　for　so　many　months　entirely　filled　my　heart。　　In



fact；　I　have　always　rather　hated　her　memory；　though　now　I　can　see



that　I　had　gone　unnecessarily　far　in　that　direction。　　At　any



rate；　from　that　happy　morning　onward　I　regained　possession　of　my



own　proper　soul；　and　have　never　since　fallen　into　any　similar



trap。〃







This　seems　to　me　an　unusually　clear　example　of　two　different



levels　of　personality；　inconsistent　in　their　dictates；　yet　so



well　balanced　a