lady susan-第13章

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member　of　your　family　I　must　always　feel　a　degree　of　affection；　and　I　own



it　would　have　sensibly　hurt　me　if　my　acquaintance　with　Mr。　De　Courcy　had



ended　so　gloomily。　I　have　now　only　to　say　further；　that　as　I　am　convinced



of　Frederica's　having　a　reasonable　dislike　to　Sir　James；　I　shall　instantly



inform　him　that　he　must　give　up　all　hope　of　her。　I　reproach　myself　for



having　even；　though　innocently；　made　her　unhappy　on　that　score。　She　shall



have　all　the　retribution　in　my　power　to　make；　if　she　value　her　own



happiness　as　much　as　I　do；　if　she　judge　wisely；　and　command　herself　as　she



ought；　she　may　now　be　easy。　Excuse　me；　my　dearest　sister；　for　thus



trespassing　on　your　time；　but　I　owe　it　to　my　own　character；　and　after　this



explanation　I　trust　I　am　in　no　danger　of　sinking　in　your　opinion。〃　I　could



have　said；　〃Not　much；　indeed！〃　but　I　left　her　almost　in　silence。　It　was



the　greatest　stretch　of　forbearance　I　could　practise。　I　could　not　have



stopped　myself　had　I　begun。　Her　assurance！　her　deceit！　but　I　will　not　allow



myself　to　dwell　on　them；　they　will　strike　you　sufficiently。　My　heart



sickens　within　me。　As　soon　as　I　was　tolerably　composed　　I　returned　to　the



parlour。　Sir　James's　carriage　was　at　the　door；　and　he；　merry　as　usual；　soon



afterwards　took　his　leave。　How　easily　does　her　ladyship　encourage　or



dismiss　a　lover！　In　spite　of　this　release；　Frederica　still　looks　　unhappy：



still　fearful；　perhaps；　of　her　mother's　anger；　and　though　dreading　my



brother's　departure；　jealous；　it　may　be；　of　his　staying。　I　see　how　closely



she　observes　him　and　Lady　Susan；　poor　girl！　I　have　now　no　hope　for　her。



There　is　not　a　chance　of　her　affection　being　returned。　He　thinks　very



differently　of　her　from　what　he　used　to　do；　he　does　her　some　justice；　but



his　reconciliation　with　her　mother　precludes　every　dearer　hope。　Prepare；　my



dear　mother；　for　the　worst！　The　probability　of　their　marrying　is　surely



heightened！　He　is　more　securely　hers　than　ever。　When　that　wretched　event



takes　place；　Frederica　must　belong　wholly　to　us。　I　am　thankful　that　my　last



letter　will　precede　this　by　so　little；　as　every　moment　that　you　can　be



saved　from　feeling　a　joy　which　leads　only　to　disappointment　is　of



consequence。







Yours　ever；　&c。；







CATHERINE　VERNON。























XXV











LADY　SUSAN　TO　MRS。　JOHNSON











Churchhill。











I　call　on　you；　dear　Alicia；　for　congratulations：　I　am　my　own　self；　gay



and　triumphant！　When　I　wrote　to　you　the　other　day　I　was；　in　truth；　in　high



irritation；　and　with　ample　cause。　Nay；　I　know　not　whether　I　ought　to　be



quite　tranquil　now；　for　I　have　had　more　trouble　in　restoring　peace　than　I



ever　intended　to　submit　toa　spirit；　too；　resulting　from　a　fancied　sense



of　superior　integrity；　which　is　peculiarly　insolent！　I　shall　not　easily



forgive　him；　I　assure　you。　He　was　actually　on　the　point　of　leaving



Churchhill！　I　had　scarcely　concluded　my　last；　when　Wilson　brought　me　word



of　it。　I　found；　therefore；　that　something　must　be　done；　for　I　did　not



choose　to　leave　my　character　at　the　mercy　of　a　man　whose　passions　are　so



violent　and　so　revengeful。　It　would　have　been　trifling　with　my　reputation



to　allow　of　his　departing　with　such　an　impression　in　my　disfavour；　in　this



light；　condescension　was　necessary。　I　sent　Wilson　to　say　that　I　desired　to



speak　with　him　before　he　went；　he　came　immediately。　The　angry　emotions



which　had　marked　every　feature　when　we　last　parted　were　partially　subdued。



He　seemed　astonished　at　the　summons；　and　looked　as　if　half　wishing　and　half



fearing　to　be　softened　by　what　I　might　say。　If　my　countenance　expressed



what　I　aimed　at；　it　was　composed　and　dignified；　and　yet；　with　a　degree　of



pensiveness　which　might　convince　him　that　I　was　not　quite　happy。　〃I　beg



your　pardon；　sir；　for　the　liberty　I　have　taken　in　sending　for　you；〃　said　I；



〃but　as　I　have　just　learnt　your　intention　of　leaving　this　place　to…day；　I



feel　it　my　duty　to　entreat　that　you　will　not　on　my　account　shorten　your



visit　here　even　an　hour。　I　am　perfectly　aware　that　after　what　has　passed



between　us　it　would　ill　suit　the　feelings　of　either　to　remain　longer　in　the



same　house：　so　very　great；　so　total　a　change　from　the　intimacy　of



friendship　must　render　any　future　intercourse　the　severest　punishment；　and



your　resolution　of　quitting　Churchhill　is　undoubtedly　in　unison　with　our



situation；　and　with　those　lively　feelings　which　I　know　you　to　possess。　But；



at　the　same　time；　it　is　not　for　me　to　suffer　such　a　sacrifice　as　it　must　be



to　leave　relations　to　whom　you　are　so　much　attached；　and　are　so　dear。　My



remaining　here　cannot　give　that　pleasure　to　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Vernon　which　your



society　must；　and　my　visit　has　already　perhaps　been　too　long。　My　removal；



therefore；　which　must；　at　any　rate；　take　place　soon；　may；　with　perfect



convenience；　be　hastened；　and　I　make　it　my　particular　request　that　I　may



not　in　any　way　be　instrumental　in　separating　a　family　so　affectionately



attached　to　each　other。　Where　I　go　is　of　no　consequence　to　anyone；　of　very



little　to　myself；　but　you　are　of　importance　to　all　your　connections。〃　Here



I　concluded；　and　I　hope　you　will　be　satisfied　with　my　speech。　Its　effect　on



Reginald　justifies　some　portion　of　vanity；　for　it　was　no　less　favourable



than　instantaneous。　Oh；　how　delightful　it　was　to　watch　the　variations　of



his　countenance　while　I　spoke！　to　see　the　struggle　between　returning



tenderness　and　the　remains　of　displeasure。　There　is　something　agreeable　in



feelings　so　easily　worked　on；　not　that　I　envy　him　their　possession；　nor



would；　for　the　world；　have　such　myself；　but　they　are　very　convenient　when



one　wishes　to　influence　the　passions　of　another。　And　yet　this　Reginald；



whom　a　very　few　words　from　me　softened　at　once　into　the　utmost　submission；



and　rendered　more　tractable；　more　attached；　more　devoted　than　ever；　would



have　left　me　in　the　first　angry　swelling　of　his　proud　heart　without



deigning　to　seek　an　explanation。　Humbled　as　he　now　is；　I　cannot　forgive　him



such　an　instance　of　pride；　and　am　doubtful　whether　I　ought　not　to　punish



him　by　dismissing　him　at　once　after　this　reconciliation；　or　by　marrying　and



teazing　him　for　ever。　But　these　measures　are　each　too　violent　to　be　adopted



without　some　deliberation；　at　present　my　thoughts　are　fluctuating　between



various　schemes。　I　have　many　things　to　compass：　I　must　punish　Frederica；



and　pretty　severely　too；　for　her　application　　to　Reginald；　I　must　punish



him　for　receiving　it　so　favourably；　and　for　the　rest　of　his　conduct。　I　must



torment　my　sister…in…law　for　the　insolent　triumph　of　her　look　and　manner



since　Sir　James　has　been　dismissed；　for；　in　reconciling　　Reginald　to　me；　I



was　not　able　to　save　that　ill…fated　young　man；　and　I　must　make　myself



amends　for　the　humiliation　to　which　I　have　stooped　within　these　few　days。



To　effect　all　this　I　have　various　plans。　I　have　also　an　idea　of　being　soon



in　town；　and　whatever　may　be　my　determination　as　to　the　rest；　I　shall



probably　put　THAT　project　in　execution；　for　London　will　be　always　the



fairest　field　of　action；　however　my　views　may　be　directed；　and　at　any　rate



I　shall　there　be　rewarded　by　your　society；　and　a　little　dissipation；　for　a



ten　weeks'　penance　at　Churchhill。　I　believe　I　owe　it　to　my　character　to



complete　the　match　between　my　daughter　and　Sir　James　after　having　so　long



intended　it。　Let　me　know　your　opinion　on　this　point。　Flexibility　of　mind；　a



disposition　easily　biassed　by　others；　is　an　attribute　which　you　know　I　am



not　very　desirous　of　obtaining；　nor　has　Frederica　any　claim　to　the



indulgence　of　her　notions　at　the　expense　of　h