cb.imajica1-第98章

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　her　so　quickly　she　had　to　retreat　again；　her　hand　catching　one　of　the　glasses　on　the　table。　It　fell；　smashing　musically；
　〃Now　look　what　you've　done；〃　he　said；　with　what　seemed　to　be　genuine　distress。　He　crossed　to　the　shards　and　bent　down　to　gather　them　up。　〃That　glass　had　been　in　the　family　for　generations。　I'd　have　thought　you'd　have　had　some　fellow　feeling　for　it。'5
　Though　she　was　in　no　temper　to　talk　about　broken　glasses；　she　replied　nevertheless；　knowing　her　only　hope　lay　in　alerting　Godolphin　to　her　presence。
　〃Why　should　I　give　a　damn　about　a　glass？〃　she　said。
　Dowd　picked　up　a　piece　of　the　bowl；　holding　it　to　the　light。
　〃You've　got　so　much　in　mon；　lovey；〃　he　said。　〃Both　made　in　ignorance　of　yourselves。　Beautiful；　but　fragile。〃　He　stood　up。　〃You've　always　been　beautiful。　Fashions　e　and　go；　but　Judith　is　always　beautiful。〃
　〃You　don't　know　a　damn　thing　about　me；〃　she　said。
　He　put　the　shards　on　the　table　beside　the　rest　of　the　dirty　plates　and　cutlery。　〃Oh；　but　I　do；〃　he　said。　〃We're　more　alike　than　you　realize。〃
　He'd　kept　a　glittering　fragment　back；　and　as　he　spoke　he　put　it　to　his　wrist。　She　only　just　had　time　to　register　what　he　was　about　to　do　before　he　cut　into　his　own　flesh。　She　looked　away；　but　then…hearing　the　piece　of　glass　dropped　among　the　litter…glanced　back。　The　wound　gaped；　but　there　was　no　blood　forthing；　just　an　ooze　of　brackish　sap。　Nor　was　the　expression　on　Dowd's　face　pained。　It　was　simply　intent。
　〃You　have　a　piffling　recall　of　the　past；〃　he　said；　〃I　have　too　much。　You　have　heat；　I　have　none。　You're　in　love；　I've　never　understood　the　word。　But　Judith：　we　are　the　same。　Both　slaves。〃
　She　looked　from　his　face　to　the　cut　to　his　face　to　the　cut　to　his　face；　and　with　every　move　of　her　pupils　her　panic　increased。　She　didn't　want　to　hear　any　more　from　him。　She　despised　him。　She　closed　her　eyes　and　conjured　him　at　the　voider's　pyre；　and　in　the　shadow　of　the　tower；　crawling　with　mites；　but　however　many　horrors　she　put　between　them　his　words　won　through。　She'd　given　up　attempting　to　solve　the　puzzle　of　herself　a　long　time　ago；　but　here　he　was；　spilling　pieces　she　couldn't　help　but　pick　up。
　〃Who　are　you？〃　she　said　to　him。
　〃More　to　the　point；　who　are　you？〃
　〃We're　not　the　same；〃　she　said。　〃Not　even　a　little。　I　bleed。　You　don't。　I'm　human。　You're　not。〃
　〃But　is　it　your　blood　you　bleed？〃　he　said；　〃Ask　yourself　that。〃
　〃It　es　out　of　my　veins。　Of　course　it's　mine。〃
　〃Then　who　are　you？〃　he　said。
　The　inquiry　was　made　without　overt　malice；　but　she　didn't　doubt　its　subversive　purpose。　Somehow　Dowd　knew　she　was　forgetful　of　her　past　and　was　pricking　her　to　a　confession。
　〃I　know　what　I'm　not；　〃she　said；　earning　herself　the　time　to　invent　an　answer。　〃I'm　not　a　glass。　I'm　not　fragile　or　ignorant。　And　I'm　not…〃
　What　was　the　other　quality　he'd　mentioned　besides　beauty　and　fragility？　He'd　been　stopping　to　pick　up　the　pieces　of　broken　glass；　and　he　described　her　some　way　or　other。
　〃You're　not　what？〃　he　said；　watching　her　wrestle　with　her　own　reluctance　to　seize　the　memory。
　She　pictured　him　crossing　the　kitchen。　Now　look　what　you've　done；　he'd　said。　Then　he'd　stooped　（she　saw　him　do　so；　in　her　mind's　eye）　and　as　he'd　begun　to　pick　up　the　pieces；　the　words　had　e　to　his　lips。　And　now　to　her　memory　too。
　〃That　glass　had　been　in　the　family　for　generations；〃　he'd　said；　〃I'd　have　thought　you'd　have　had　some　fellow　feeling　for　it。〃
　〃No；〃　she　said　aloud；　shaking　her　head　to　keep　the　sense　of　this　from　congealing　there。　But　the　motion　only　shook　up　other　memories：　of　her　trip　to　the　estate　with　Charlie；　when　that　pleasurable　sense　of　belonging　had　suffused　her　and　voices　had　called　her　sweet　names　from　the　past；　of　meeting　Oscar　on　the　threshold　of　the　Retreat　and　knowing　instantly　she　belonged　at　his　side；　without　question；　or　care　to　question；　of　the　portrait　above　Oscar's　bed；　gazing　down　on　the　bed　with　such　a　possessive　stare　he　had　turned　off　the　light　before　they　made　love。
　As　these　thoughts　came；　the　shaking　of　her　head　grew　wilder；　the　motion　possessing　her　like　a　fit。　Tears　spat　from　her　eyes。　Her　hands　went　out　for　help　even　as　the　power　to　request　it　went　from　her　throat。　Through　a　blur　of　motion　she　was　just　able　to　see　Dowd　standing　beside　the　table；　his　hand　covering　his　wounded　wrist；　watching　her　impassively。　She　turned　from　him；　terrified　that　she'd　choke　on　her　tongue　or　break　her　head　open　if　she　fell；　and　knowing　he'd　do　nothing　to　help　her。　She　wanted　to　cry　out　for　Oscar；　but　all　that　came　was　a　wretched　gargling　sound。　She　stumbled　forward；　her　head　still　thrashing；　and　as　she　did　so　saw　Oscar　in　the　hallway；　ing　towards　her。　She　pitched　her　arms　in　his　direction　and　felt　his　hands　upon　her；　to　pull　her　up　out　of　her　collapse。　He　failed。
　
　He　was　beside　her　when　she　woke。　She　wasn't　lying　in　the　narrow　bed　she'd　been　consigned　to　for　the　last　few　nights　but　in　the　wide　four…poster　in　Oscar's　room；　the　bed　she'd　e　to　think　of　as　theirs。　It　wasn't；　of　course。　Its　true　owner　was　the　man　whose　image　in　oils　had　e　back　to　her　in　the　throes　of　her　fit：　the　Mad　Lord　Godolphin；　hanging　above　the　pillows　on　which　she　lay　and　sitting　beside　her　in　a　later　variation；　caressing　her　hand　and　telling　her　how　much　he　loved　her。　As　soon　as　she　came　to　consciousness　and　felt　his　touch；　she　withdrew　from　it。
　〃I'm。　。　。　not　a　pet；〃　she　struggled　to　say。　〃You　can't　just　。　。　。　stroke　me　when　。　。　。　it　suits　you。〃
　He　looked　appalled。　〃I　apologize　unconditionally；〃　he　said　in　his　gravest　manner。　〃I　have　no　excuse。　I　let　the　Society's　business　take　precedence　over　understanding　you　and　caring　for　you。　That　was　unforgivable。　Then　Dowd；　of　course；　whispering　in　my　ear。　。　。。　Was　he　very　cruel？〃
　〃You're　the　one　who's　been　cruel。〃
　〃I've　done　nothing　intentionally。　Please　believe　that；　at　least。〃
　〃You've　lied　to　me　over　and　over　again；〃　she　said；　struggling　to　sit　up　in　bed。　〃You　know　things　about　me　that　I　don't。　Why　didn't　you　share　them　with　me？　I'm　not　a　child。〃
　〃You've　just　had　a　fit；〃　Oscar　said。　〃Have　you　ever　had　a　fit　before？〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Some　things　are　better　left　alone；　you　see。〃
　〃Too　late；〃　she　said。　〃I've　had　my　fit；　and　I　survived　it。　I'm　ready　to　hear　the　secret；　whatever　it　is。〃　She　glanced　up　at　Joshua。　〃It's　something　to　do　with　him；　isn't　it？　He's　got　a　hold　on　you。〃
　〃Not　on　me…〃
　〃You　liar！　You　liar！〃　she　said；　throwing　the　sheets　aside　and　getting　onto　her　knees；　so　that　she　was　face　to　face　with　the　deceiver。　〃Why　do　you　tell　me　you　love　me　one　moment　and　lie　to　me　the　next？　Why　don't　you　trust　me？〃
　〃I've　told　you　more　than　I've　ever　told　anybody。　But　then　I　find　you've　plotted　against　the　Society。〃
　〃I've　done　more　than　plot；〃　she　said；　thinking　of　her　journey　into　the　cellars　of　the　tower。
　Once　again；　she　teetered　on　the　edge　of　telling　him　what　she'd　seen；　but　Clara's　advice　was　there　to　keep　her　from　falling。　You　can't　save　Celestine　and　keep　his　affections；　she'd　said；　you're　digging　at　the　foundations　of　his　family　and　his　faith。　It　was　true。　She　understood　that　more　clearly
　
　There　was　a　balmy　rain　falling　as　they　left　London　the　next　day；　but　by　the　time　they'd　reached　the　estate　the　sun　was　breaking　through；　and　the　parkland　gleamed　around　them　as　they　entered。　They　didn't　make　any　detours　to　the　house　but　headed　straight　to　the　copse　that　concealed　the　Retreat。　There　was　a　breeze　in　the　branches；　and　they　flickered　with　light　leaves。　The　smell　of　life　was　everywhere；　stirring　her　blood　for　the　journey　ahead。
　Oscar　had　advised　her　to　dress　with　an　eye　to　practicality　and　warmth。　The　city；　he　said；　was　subject　to　rapid　and　radical　shifts　in　temperature；　depending　on　the　direction　of　the　wind。　If　it　came　off　the　desert；　the　heat　in　the　streets　could　bake　the　flesh　like　unleavened　bread。　And　if　it　swung　and　came　off　the　ocean；　it　brought　marrow…chilling　fogs　and　sudden　frosts。　None　of　this　daunted　her；　of　course。　She　was　ready　for　this　adventure　as　for　no　other　in　her　life。
　〃I　know　I've　gone　on　endlessly　about　how　dangerous　the　city's　bee；〃　Oscar　said　as　they　ducked　beneath　the　low…slung　branches；　〃and　you're　tired　of　hearing　about　it；　but　this　isn't　a　civilized　city；　Judith。　About　the　only　man　I　trust　there　is　Pec