cb.imajica1-第39章

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　of　overwashed　boxer　shorts；　he　was　out　of　the　shower；　standing　in　front　of　the　bathroom　mirror　bing　his　wet　hair　back　from　his　brow。　His　body　hadn't　changed　since　she'd　last　looked　at　it　naked。　He　was　as　lean　as　ever；　his　buttocks　and　belly　tight；　his　chest　smooth。　His　hooded　prick　drew　her　eye：　the　part　that　truly　gave　the　lie　to　Gentle's　name。　It　was　no　great　size　in　this　passive　state；　but　it　was　pretty　even　so。　If　he　knew　he　was　being　scrutinized　he　made　no　sign　of　it。　He　peered　at　himself　in　the　mirror　without　affection；　then　shook　his　head。
　〃Should　I　shave？〃　he　said。
　〃I　wouldn't　worry　about　it；〃　she　said。　〃Here's　your　clothes。〃
　He　dressed　quickly；　repairing　to　his　bedroom　to　find　a　pair　of　boots；　leaving　her　to　idle　in　the　studio　while　he　did　so。　The　painting　of　the　couple　she'd　seen　on　Christmas　Night　had　gone；　and　his　equipment…paints；　easel；　and　primed　canvases…had　been　unceremoniously　dumped　in　a　corner。　In　their　place；　newspapers；　many　of　their　pages　bearing　reports　on　a　tragedy　she　had　only　noted　in　passing：　the　death　by　fire　of　twenty…one　men；　women；　and　children　in　an　arson　attack　in　South　London。　She　didn't　give　the　reports　close　scrutiny。　There　was　enough　to　mourn　this　gloomy　afternoon。
　Clem　was　pale　but　tearless。　He　embraced　them　both　at　the　front　door；　then　ushered　them　into　the　house。　The　Christmas　decorations　were　still　up；　awaiting　Twelfth　Night；　the　perfume　of　pine　needles　sharpening　the　air。
　〃Before　you　see　him；　Gentle；〃　Clem　said。　〃I　should　explain　that　he's　got　a　lot　of　drugs　in　his　system；　so　he　drifts　in　and　out。　But　he　wanted　to　see　you　so　badly。〃
　〃Did　he　say　why？〃　Gentle　asked。
　〃He　doesn't　need　a　reason；　does　he？〃　Clem　said　softly。　〃Will　you　stay；　Judy？　If　you　want　to　see　him　when　Gentle's　been　in。　。　。〃
　〃I'd　like　that。〃
　While　Clem　took　Gentle　up　to　the　bedroom；　Jude　went　through　to　the　kitchen　to　make　a　cup　of　tea；　wishing　as　she　did　so　that　she'd　had　the　foresight　to　tell　Gentle　as　they　drove　about　how　Taylor　had　talked　of　him　the　week　before；　particularly　the　tale　about　his　speaking　in　tongues。　It　might　have　provided　Gentle　with　some　sense　of　what　Taylor　needed　to　know　from　him　now。　The　solving　of　mysteries　had　been　much　on　Taylor's　mind　on　Christmas　Night。　Perhaps　now；　whether　drugged　or　not；　he　hoped　to　win　some　last　reprieve　from　his　confusion。　She　doubted　Gentle　would　have　any　answers。　The　look　she'd　seen　him　give　the　bathroom　mirror　had　been　that　of　a　man　to　whom　even　his　own　reflection　was　a　mystery。
　Bedrooms　were　only　ever　this　hot　for　sickness　or　love；　Gentle　thought　as　Clem　ushered　him　in：　for　the　sweating　out　of　obsession　or　contagion。　It　didn't　always　work；　of　course；　in　either　case；　but　at　least　in　love　failure　had　its　satisfactions。　He'd　eaten　very　little　since　he'd　departed　the　scene　in　Streatham；　and　the　stale　heat　made　him　feel　lightheaded。　He　had　to　scan　the　room　twice　before　his　eyes　settled　on　the　bed　in　which　Taylor　lay；　so　nearly　enveloped　was　it　by　the　soulless　attendants　of　modern　death：　an　oxygen　tank　with　its　tubes　and　mask；　a　table　loaded　with　dressings　and　towels；　another；　with　a　vomit　bowl；　bedpan；　and　towels；　and　beside　them　a　third；　carrying　medication　and　ointments。　In　the　midst　of　this　panoply　was　the　magnet　that　had　drawn　them　here；　who　now　seemed　very　like　their　prisoner。　Taylor　was　propped　up　on　plastic…covered　pillows；　with　his　eyes　closed。　He　looked　like　an　ancient。　His　hair　was　thin；　his　frame　thinner　still；　the　inner　life　of　his　body…　bone；　nerve；　and　vein…painfully　visible　through　skin　the　color　of　his　sheet。　It　was　all　Gentle　could　do　not　to　turn　and　flee　before　the　man's　eyes　flickered　open。　Death　was　here　again；　so　soon。　A　different　heat　this　time；　and　a　different　scene；　but　he　was　assailed　by　the　same　mixture　of　fear　and　ineptitude　he'd　felt　in　Streatham。
　He　hung　back　at　the　door；　leaving　Clem　to　approach　the　bed　first　and　softly　wake　the　sleeper。
　Taylor　stirred；　an　irritated　look　on　his　face　until　his　gaze　found　Gentle。　Then　the　anger　at　being　called　back　into　pain　went　from　his　brow；　and　he　said；　〃You　found　him。〃
　〃It　was　Judy；　not　me；〃　Clem　said。
　〃Oh；　Judy。　She's　a　wonder；〃　Taylor　murmured。
　He　tried　to　reposition　himself　on　the　pillow；　but　the　effort　was　beyond　him。　His　breathing　became　instantly　arduous；　and　he　flinched　at　some　disfort　the　motion　brought。
　〃Do　you　want　a　painkiller？〃　Clem　asked　him。
　〃No；　thanks；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　to　be　clearheaded；　so　Gentle　and　I　can　talk。〃　He　looked　across　at　his　visitor；　who　was　still　lingering　at　the　door。　〃Will　you　talk　to　me　for　a　while；　John？〃　he　said。　〃Just　the　two　of　us？〃
　〃Of　course；〃　Gentle　said。
　Clem　moved　from　beside　the　bed　and　beckoned　Gentle　across。　There　was　a　chair；　but　Taylor　patted　the　bed；　and　it　was　there　Gentle　sat；　hearing　the　crackle　of　the　plastic　un…dersheet　as　he　did　so。
　〃Call　if　you　need　anything；〃　Clem　said；　the　remark　directed　not　at　Taylor　but　at　Gentle。　Then　he　left　them　alone。
　〃Could　you　pour　me　a　glass　of　water？〃　Taylor　asked。
　Gentle　did　so；　realizing　as　he　passed　it　to　Taylor　that　his　friend　lacked　the　strength　to　hold　it　for　himself。　He　put　it　to　Taylor's　lips。　There　was　a　salve　on　them；　which　moistened　them　lightly；　but　they　were　still　split；　and　puffy　with　sores。　After　a　few　sips　Taylor　murmured　something。
　〃Enough？〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Yes；　thanks；〃　Taylor　replied。　Gentle　set　the　glass　down。　〃I've　had　just　about　enough　of　everything。　It's　time　it　was　all　over。〃
　〃You'll　get　strong　again。〃
　〃I　didn't　want　to　see　you　so　we　could　sit　and　lie　to　each　other；〃　Taylor　said。　〃I　wanted　you　here　so　I　could　tell　you　how　much　I've　been　thinking　about　you。　Night　and　day。　Gentle。〃
　〃I'm　sure　I　don't　deserve　that。〃
　〃My　subconscious　thinks　you　do；〃　Taylor　replied。　〃And；　while　we're　being　honest；　the　rest　of　me　too。　You　don't　look　as　if　you're　getting　enough　sleep；　Gentle。〃
　〃I've　been　working；　that's　all。〃
　〃Painting？〃
　〃Some　of　the　time。　Looking　for　inspiration；　you　know。〃
　〃I've　got　a　confession　to　make；〃　Taylor　said。　〃But　first；　you've　got　to　promise　you　won't　be　angry　with　me。〃
　〃What　have　you　done？〃
　〃I　told　Judy　about　the　night　we　got　together；〃　Taylor　said。　He　stared　at　Gentle　as　if　expecting　there　to　be　some　eruption。　When　there　was　none；　he　went　on；　〃I　know　it　was　no　big　deal　to　you；〃　he　said。　〃But　it's　been　on　my　mind　a　lot。　You　don't　mind；　do　you？〃
　Gentle　shrugged。　〃I'm　sure　it　didn't　e　as　any　big　surprise　to　her。〃
　Taylor　turned　his　hand　palm　up　on　the　sheet；　and　Gentle　took　it。　There　was　no　power　in　Taylor's　fingers；　but　he　closed　them　round　Gentle's　hand　with　what　little　strength　he　had。　His　grip　was　cold。
　〃You're　shaking；〃　Taylor　said。；
　〃I　haven't　eaten　in　a　while；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃You　should　keep　your　strength　up。　You're　a　busy　man。〃
　〃Sometimes　I　need　to　float　a　little　bit；〃　Gentle　replied。
　Taylor　smiled；　and　there　in　his　wasted　features　was　a　phantom　glimpse　of　the　beauty　he'd　had。
　〃Oh；　yes；〃　he　said。　〃I　float　all　the　time。　I've　been　all　over　the　room。　I've　even　been　outside　the　window；　looking　in　at　myself。　That's　the　way　it'll　be　when　I　go；　Gentle。　I'll　float　off；　only　that　one　time　I　won't　e　back。　I　know　Clem's　going　to　miss　me…we've　had　half　a　lifetime　together…but　you　and　Judy　will　be　kind　to　him；　won't　you？　Make　him　understand　how　things　are；　if　you　can。　Tell　him　how　I　floated　off。　He　doesn't　want　to　hear　me　talk　that　way；　but　you　understand。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　do。〃
　〃You're　an　artist；〃　he　said。
　〃I'm　a　faker。〃
　〃Not　in　my　dreams；　you're　not。　In　my　dreams　you　want　to　heal　me；　and　you　know　what　I　say？　I　tell　you　I　don't　want　to　get　well。　I　say　I　want　to　be　out　in　the　light。〃
　〃That　sounds　like　a　good　place　to　be；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Maybe　Til　join　you。〃
　〃Are　things　so　bad？　Tell　me。　I　want　to　hear。〃
　〃My　whole　life's　fucked；　Tay。〃
　〃You　shouldn't　be　so　hard　on　yourself。　You're　a　good　man。〃
　〃You　said　we　wouldn't　tell　lies。〃
　〃That's　no　lie。　You　are。　You　just　need　someone　to　remind　you　once　in　a　while。　Everybody　does。　Otherwise　we　slip　back　into　the　mud；　you　know？〃
　Gentle　took　tighter　hold　of　Taylor's　hand。　There　was　so　much　in　him　he　had　neither　the　form　nor　the　prehension　to　express。　Here　was　Taylor　pouring　out　his　heart　about　love　and　dreams　and　how　it　w