da.therestaurantattheendoftheuniverse-第36章

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　　〃Well；　call　it　a　chair；〃　he　said　testily。
　　〃Why　not　call　it　a　rock？〃　asked　Ford。
　　〃You　obviously　have　no　conception；〃　said　the　management　consultant；　not　abandoning　testiness　in　favour　of　good　old　fashioned　hauteur；　〃of　modern　business　methods。〃
　　〃And　you　have　no　conception　of　where　you　are；〃　said　Ford。
　　A　girl　with　a　strident　voice　leapt　to　her　feet　and　used　it。
　　〃Shut　up；　you　two；〃　she　said；　〃I　want　to　table　a　motion。〃
　　〃You　mean　boulder　a　motion；〃　tittered　a　hairdresser。
　　〃Order；　order！〃　yapped　the　management　consultant。
　　〃Alright；〃　said　Ford；　〃let's　see　how　you　are　doing。〃　He　plonked　himself　down　on　the　ground　to　see　how　long　he　could　keep　his　temper。
　　The　Captain　made　a　sort　of　conciliatory　harrumphing　noise。
　　〃I　would　like　to　call　to　order；〃　he　said　pleasantly；　〃the　five　hundred　and　seventy…third　meeting　of　the　colonization　mittee　of　Fintlewoodlewix。。。〃
　　Ten　seconds；　thought　Ford　as　he　leapt　to　his　feet　again。
　　〃This　is　futile；〃　he　exclaimed；　〃five　hundred　and　seventy…three　mittee　meetings　and　you　haven't　even　discovered　fire　yet！〃
　　〃If　you　would　care；〃　said　the　girl　with　the　strident　voice；　〃to　examine　the　agenda　sheet。。。〃
　　〃Agenda　rock；〃　trilled　the　hairdresser　happily。
　　〃Thank　you；　I've　made　that　point；〃　muttered　Ford。
　　〃。。。　you。。。　will。。。　see。。。〃　continued　the　girl　firmly；　〃that　we　are　having　a　report　from　the　hairdressers'　Fire　Development　Sub…mittee　today。〃
　　〃Oh。。。　ah　…〃　said　the　hairdresser　with　a　sheepish　look　which　is　recognized　the　whole　Galaxy　over　as　meaning　〃Er；　will　next　Tuesday　do？〃
　　〃Alright；〃　said　Ford；　rounding　on　him；　〃what　have　you　done？　What　are　you　going　to　do？　What　are　your　thoughts　on　fire　development？〃
　　〃Well　I　don't　know；〃　said　the　hairdresser；　〃All　they　gave　me　was　a　couple　of　sticks。。。〃
　　〃So　what　have　you　done　with　them？〃
　　Nervously；　the　hairdresser　fished　in　his　track　suit　top　and　handed　over　the　fruits　of　his　labour　to　Ford。
　　Ford　held　them　up　for　all　to　see。
　　〃Curling　tongs；〃　he　said。
　　The　crowd　applauded。
　　〃Never　mind；〃　said　Ford；　〃Rome　wasn't　burnt　in　a　day。〃
　　The　crowd　hadn't　the　faintest　idea　what　he　was　talking　about；　but　they　loved　it　nevertheless。　They　applauded。
　　〃Well；　you're　obviously　being　totally　naive　of　course；〃　said　the　girl；　〃When　you've　been　in　marketing　as　long　as　I　have　you'll　know　that　before　any　new　product　can　be　developed　it　has　to　be　properly　researched。　We've　got　to　find　out　what　people　want　from　fire；　how　they　relate　to　it；　what　sort　of　image　it　has　for　them。〃
　　The　crowd　were　tense。　They　were　expecting　something　wonderful　from　Ford。
　　〃Stick　it　up　your　nose；〃　he　said。
　　〃Which　is　precisely　the　sort　of　thing　we　need　to　know；〃　insisted　the　girl；　〃Do　people　want　fire　that　can　be　applied　nasally？〃
　　〃Do　you？〃　Ford　asked　the　crowd。
　　〃Yes！〃　shouted　some。
　　〃No！〃　shouted　others　happily。
　　They　didn't　know；　they　just　thought　it　was　great。
　　〃And　the　wheel；〃　said　the　Captain；　〃What　about　this　wheel　thingy？　It　sounds　a　terribly　interesting　project。〃
　　〃Ah；〃　said　the　marketing　girl；　〃Well；　we're　having　a　little　difficulty　there。〃
　　〃Difficulty？〃　exclaimed　Ford；　〃Difficulty？　What　do　you　mean；　difficulty？　It's　the　single　simplest　machine　in　the　entire　Universe！〃
　　The　marketing　girl　soured　him　with　a　look。
　　〃Alright；　Mr。　Wiseguy；〃　she　said；　〃you're　so　clever；　you　tell　us　what　colour　it　should　have。〃
　　The　crowd　went　wild。　One　up　to　the　home　team；　they　thought。　Ford　shrugged　his　shoulders　and　sat　down　again。
　　〃Almighty　Zarquon；〃　he　said；　〃have　none　of　you　done　anything？〃
　　As　if　in　answer　to　his　question　there　was　a　sudden　clamour　of　noise　from　the　entrance　to　the　clearing。　The　crowd　couldn't　believe　the　amount　of　entertainment　they　were　getting　this　afternoon：　in　marched　a　squad　of　about　a　dozen　men　dressed　in　the　remnants　of　their　Golgafrincham　3rd　Regiment　dress　uniforms。　About　half　of　them　still　carried　Kill…O…Zap　guns；　the　rest　now　carried　spears　which　they　struck　together　as　they　marched。　They　looked　bronzed；　healthy；　and　utterly　exhausted　and　bedraggled。　They　clattered　to　a　halt　and　banged　to　attention。　One　of　them　fell　over　and　never　moved　again。
　　〃Captain；　sir！〃　cried　Number　Two　…　for　he　was　their　leader　…　〃Permission　to　report　sir！〃
　　〃Yes；　alright　Number　Two；　wele　back　and　all　that。　Find　any　hot　springs？〃　said　the　Captain　despondently。
　　〃No　sir！〃
　　〃Thought　you　wouldn't。〃
　　Number　Two　strode　through　the　crowd　and　presented　arms　before　the　bath。
　　〃We　have　discovered　another　continent！〃
　　〃When　was　this？〃
　　〃It　lies　across　the　sea。。。〃　said　Number　Two；　narrowing　his　eyes　significantly；　〃to　the　east！〃
　　〃Ah。〃
　　Number　Two　turned　to　face　the　crowd。　He　raised　his　gun　above　his　head。　This　is　going　to　be　great；　thought　the　crowd。
　　〃We　have　declared　war　on　it！〃
　　Wild　abandoned　cheering　broke　out　in　all　corners　of　the　clearing　…　this　was　beyond　all　expectation。
　　〃Wait　a　minute；〃　shouted　Ford　Prefect；　〃wait　a　minute！〃
　　He　leapt　to　his　feet　and　demanded　silence。　After　a　while　he　got　it；　or　at　least　the　best　silence　he　could　hope　for　under　the　circumstances：　the　circumstances　were　that　the　bagpiper　was　spontaneously　posing　a　national　anthem。
　　〃Do　we　have　to　have　the　piper？〃　demanded　Ford。
　　〃Oh　yes；〃　said　the　Captain；　〃we've　given　him　a　grant。〃
　　Ford　considered　opening　this　idea　up　for　debate　but　quickly　decided　that　that　way　madness　lay。　Instead　he　slung　a　well　judged　rock　at　the　piper　and　turned　to　face　Number　Two。
　　〃War？〃　he　said。
　　〃Yes！〃　Number　Two　gazed　contemptuously　at　Ford　Prefect。
　　〃On　the　next　continent？〃
　　〃Yes！　Total　warfare！　The　war　to　end　all　wars！〃
　　〃But　there's　no　one　even　living　there　yet！〃
　　Ah；　interesting；　thought　the　crowd；　nice　point。　Number　Two's　gaze　hovered　undisturbed。　In　this　respect　his　eyes　were　like　a　couple　of　mosquitos　that　hover　purposefully　three　inches　from　your　nose　and　refuse　to　be　deflected　by　arm　thrashes；　fly　swats　or　rolled　newspapers。
　　〃I　know　that；〃　he　said；　〃but　there　will　be　one　day！　So　we　have　left　an　open…ended　ultimatum。〃
　　〃What？〃
　　〃And　blown　up　a　few　military　installations。〃
　　The　Captain　leaned　forward　out　of　his　bath。
　　〃Military　installations　Number　Two？〃　he　said。
　　For　a　moment　the　eyes　wavered。
　　〃Yes　sir；　well　potential　military　installations。　Alright。。。　trees。〃
　　The　moment　of　uncertainty　passed　…　his　eyes　flickered　like　whips　over　his　audience。
　　〃And；〃　he　roared；　〃we　interrogated　a　gazelle！〃
　　He　flipped　his　Kill…O…Zap　gun　smartly　under　his　arm　and　marched　off　through　the　pandemonium　that　had　now　erupted　throughout　the　ecstatic　crowd。　A　few　steps　was　all　he　managed　before　he　was　caught　up　and　carried　shoulder　high　for　a　lap　of　honour　round　the　clearing。
　　Ford　sat　and　idly　tapped　a　couple　of　stones　together。
　　〃So　what　else　have　you　done？〃　he　inquired　after　the　celebrations　had　died　down。
　　〃We　have　started　a　culture；〃　said　the　marketing　girl。
　　〃Oh　yes？〃　said　Ford。
　　〃Yes。　One　of　our　film　producers　is　already　making　a　fascinating　documentary　about　the　indigenous　cavemen　of　the　area。〃
　　〃They're　not　cavemen。〃
　　〃They　look　like　cavemen。〃
　　〃Do　they　live　in　caves？〃
　　〃Well。。。〃
　　〃They　live　in　huts。〃
　　〃Perhaps　they're　having　their　caves　redecorated；〃　called　out　a　wag　from　the　crowd。
　　Ford　rounded　on　him　angrily。
　　〃Very　funny；〃　he　said；　〃but　have　you　noticed　that　they're　dying　out？〃
　　On　their　journey　back；　Ford　and　Arthur　had　e　across　two　derelict　villages　and　the　bodies　of　many　natives　in　the　woods；　where　they　had　crept　away　to　die。　Those　that　still　lived　were　stricken　and　listless；　as　if　they　were　suffering　some　disease　of　the　spirit　rather　than　the　body。　They　moved　sluggishly　and　with　an　infinite　sadness。　Their　future　had　been　taken　away　from　them。
　　〃Dying　out！〃　repeated　Ford。　〃Do　you　know　what　that　means？〃
　　〃Er。。。　we　shouldn't　sell　them　any　life　insurance？〃　called　out　the　wag　again。
　　Ford　ignored　him；　and　appealed　to　the　whole　crowd。
　　〃Can　you　try　and　understand；〃　he　said；　〃that　it's　just　since　we've　arrived　that　they've　started　dying　out！〃
　　〃In　fact　that　es　over　terribly　well　in　this　film；〃　said