ch.nativetongue-第76章

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　Which　was　pointed　at　Charles　Chelsea's　throat。
　〃What's　this？〃　croaked　the　publicity　man。
　〃Show　time；〃　said　Joe　Winder。
　
　THIRTY…TWO
　The　raccoon　suit　was　musty　and　stifling；　but　it　smelled　reassuringly　of　Carrie's　hair　and　perfume。　Even　the　lint　seemed　familiar。　Through　slits　in　the　cheeks　Joe　Winder　was　able　to　see　the　procession：　Bud　Schwartz；　Danny　Pogue　and　the　captive　Charles　Chelsea；　entering　the　gates　of　the　Amazing　Kingdom　of　Thrills。
　To　affect　Robbie　Raccoon's　most　recognizable　mannerisms；　Winder　took　floppy　exaggerated　steps　（the　way　Carrie　had　showed　him）　and　jauntily　twirled　the　bushy　tail。　In　spite　of　the　serious　circumstances；　he　felt　a　bolt　of　childlike　excitement　as　the　amusement　park　prepared　to　open　for　the　Summerfest　Jubilee。　Outside；　the　trams　were　delivering　waves　of　eager　tourists…the　children　stampeding　rabidly　toward　the　locked　turnstiles；　the　women　bravely　toting　infants　and　designer　baby　bags；　the　men　with　shoulder…mounted　Camcorders　aimed　at　anything　that　moved。　Fruity…colored　balloons　decorated　every　lamppost；　every　shrubbery；　every　concession；　Broadway　show　tunes　blasted　through　tinny　public…address　speakers。　Mimes　and　jugglers　and　musicians　rehearsed　on　street　corners　while　desultory　maintenance　crews　collected　cigarette　butts；　Popsicle　sticks　and　gum　wrappers　off　the　pavement。　A　cowboy　from　the　Wild　Bill　Hiccup　show　tested　his　six…shooter　by　firing　blanks　at　Petey　Possum's　scraggly　bottom。
　〃Show　business；〃　said　Joe　Winder；　〃is　my　life。〃　The　words　echoed　inside　the　plaster　animal　head。
　If　the　costume　had　a　serious　flaw　（besides　the　non…functioning　air　conditioner）；　it　was　a　crucial　lack　of　peripheral　vision。　The　slits；　located　several　inches　below　Robbie　Raccoon's　large　plastic　eyes；　were　much　too　narrow。　Had　the　openings　been　wider；　Winder　would　have　spotted　the　fleshy　pale　hand　in　time　to　evade　it。
　It　was　the　hand　of　famed　TV　weatherman　Willard　Scott；　and　it　dragged　Joe　Winder　in　front　of　a　camera　belonging　to　the　National　Broadcasting　pany。　Danny　Pogue；　Bud　Schwartz　and　Charles　Chelsea　stopped　in　their　tracks：　Robbie　Raccoon　was　on　the　Today　Show。　Live。　Willard　flung　one　meaty　arm　around　Winder's　shoulders；　and　the　other　around　a　grandmother　from　Hialeah　who　said　she　was　107　years　old。　The　old　woman　was　telling　a　story　about　riding　Henry　Flagler's　railroad　all　the　way　to　Key　West。
　〃A　hunnert　and　seven！〃　marveled　Danny　Pogue。
　Charles　Chelsea　shifted　uneasily。　Bud　Schwartz　shot　him　a　look。　〃What；　she's　lying？〃
　Morosely　the　publicity　man　confessed。　〃She's　a　plete　fake。　A　ringer。　I　arranged　the　whole　thing。〃　The　burglars　stared　as　if　he　were　speaking　another　language。　Chelsea　lowered　his　voice：　〃I　had　to　do　it。　Willard　wanted　somebody　over　a　hundred　years　old；　they　told　me　he　might　not　e；　otherwise。　But　I　couldn't　find　anyone　over　a　hundred…ninety…one　was　the　best　I　could　do；　and　the　poor　guy　was　pletely　spaced。　Thought　he　was　Rommel。〃
　Danny　Pogue　whispered；　〃So　who's　she？〃
　〃A　local　actress；〃　Chelsea　said。　〃Age　thirty…eight。　The　makeup　is　remarkable。〃
　〃Christ；　this　is　what　you　do　for　a　living？〃　Bud　Schwartz　turned　to　his　partner。　〃And　I　thought　we　were　scumballs。〃
　To　the　actress；　Willard　Scott　was　saying：　〃You're　here　to　win　that　300…Z；　aren't　you；　sweetheart？　In　a　few　minutes　the　park　opens　and　the　first　lucky　customer　through　the　gate　will　be　Visitor　Number　Five　Million。　They'll　get　the　new　sports　car　and　all　kinds　of　great　prizes！〃
　〃I'm　so　excited！〃　the　actress　proclaimed。
　〃You　run　along　now；　but　be　careful　getting　in　line。　The　folks　are　getting　pretty　worked　up　out　there。　Good　luck；　sweetheart！〃　Then　Willard　Scott　gave　the　bogus　107…year…old　grandmother　a　slurpy　smooch　on　the　ear。　As　he　released　his　grip　on　the　woman；　he　tightened　his　hug　on　Joe　Winder。
　And　an　awakening　nation　heard　the　famous　weatherman　say：　〃This　ring…tailed　rascal　is　one　of　the　most　popular　characters　here　at　the　Amazing　Kingdom　of　Thrills。　Go　ahead；　tell　us　your　name。〃
　And　in　a　high　squeaky　voice；　Joe　Winder　gamely　replied：　〃Hi；　Willard！　My　name　is　Robbie　Raccoon。〃
　〃You're　certainly　a　big　fella；　Robbie。　Judging　by　the　size　of　that　tummy；　I'd　say　you've　been　snooping　through　a　few　garbage　cans！〃
　To　which　Robbie　Raccoon　responded：　〃Look　who's　talking；　lard…ass。〃
　Briefly　the　smile　disappeared　from　Willard's　face；　and　his　eyes　searched　desperately　off…camera　for　the　director。　A　few　feet　away；　Charles　Chelsea　tasted　bile　creeping　up　his　throat。　The　burglars　seemed　pleased　to　be　standing　so　close　to　a　genuine　TV　star。
　A　young　woman　wearing　earphones　and　a　jogging　suit　held　up　a　cue　card；　and　valiantly　the　weatherman　attempted　to　polish　off　the　segment：　〃Well；　spirits　are　obviously　running　high　for　the　big　Summerfest　Jubilee；　so　pack　up　the　family　and　e　down　to〃…where　Willard　paused　to　find　his　place　on　the　card…〃Key　Largo；　Florida；　and　enjoy　the　fun！　Yon　can　swim　with　a　real　dolphin；　or　go　sliding　headfirst　down　the　Wet　Willy　or　bust　some　broncos　with　Wild　Bill　Hiccup。　And　you　kids　can　get　your　picture　taken　with　all　your　favorite　animal　characters；　even　Robbie　Raccoon。〃
　Obligingly　Joe　Winder　cocked　his　head　and　twirled　his　tail。　Willard　appeared　to　regain　his　jolly　demeanor。　He　prodded　at　something　concealed　under　one　of　the　fuzzy　raccoon　arms。　〃It　looks　like　our　ole　pal　Robbie's　got　a　surprise　for　Uncle　Willard；　am　I　right？〃
　From　Winder　came　a　strained　chirp：　〃Fraid　not；　Mr。　Scott。〃
　〃Aw；　e　on。　Whatcha　got　in　that　paw？〃
　〃Nothing。〃
　〃Let's　see　it；　you　little　scamp。　Is　it　candy？　A　toy？　Whatcha　got　there？〃
　And　seventeen　million　Americans　heard　Robbie　Raccoon　say：　〃That　would　be　a　gun；　Willard。〃
　Chelsea's　ankles　got　rubbery　and　he　began　to　sway。　The　burglars　each　grabbed　an　elbow。
　〃My；　oh；　my；〃　Willard　Scott　said　with　a　nervous　chuckle。　〃It　even　looks　like　a　real　gun。〃
　〃Doesn't　it；　though；〃　said　the　giant　raccoon。
　Please；　thought　Bud　Schwartz；　not　on　national　TV。　Not　with　little　kids　watching。
　But　before　anything　terrible　could　happen；　Willard　Scott　adroitly　steered　the　conversation　from　firearms　to　a　tropical　depression　brewing　in　the　eastern　Caribbean。　Joe　Winder　was　able　to　slip　away　when　the　weatherman　launched　into　a　laxative　mercial。
　On　the　path　to　the　Cimarron　Saloon；　Charles　Chelsea　and　the　burglars　heard　howling　behind　them；　a　rollicking　if　muffled　cry　that　emanated　from　deep　inside　the　globular　raccoon　head。
　〃Aaaahhh…oooooooooo；〃　Joe　Winder　sang。　〃We're　the　werewolves　of　Florida！　Aaaahhh…oooooooooo！〃
　
　The　smoke　from　Moe　Strickland's　cigar　hung　like　a　purple　shroud　in　The　Catabs。　Uncle　Ely's　Elves　had　voted　unanimously　to　boycott　the　Jubilee；　and　Uncle〃　Ely　would　honor　their　decision。
　〃The　cowboy　getups　look　stupid；〃　he　agreed。
　The　actor　who　played　the　elf　Jeremiah；　and　sometimes　Dumpling；　lit　a　joint　to　counteract　the　stogie　fumes。　He　declared；　〃We're　not　clowns；　we're　actors。　So　fuck　Kingsbury。〃
　That's　right；〃　said　another　elf。　〃Fuck　Mr。　X。〃
　Morale　in　the　troupe　had　been　frightfully　low　since　the　newspapers　had　picked　up　the　phony　story　about　a　hepatitis　outbreak。　Several　of　the　actor…elves　had　advocated　changing　the　name　of　the　act　to　escape　the　stigma。　Others　wanted　to　hire　a　Miami　attorney　and　file　a　lawsuit。
　Moe　Strickland　said；　〃I　heard　they're　auditioning　up　at　Six　Flags。〃
　〃Fuck　Six　Flags；〃　said　Jeremiah…Dumpling　elf。　〃Probably　another　damn　midget　routine。〃
　〃Our　options　are　somewhat　limited；〃　Moe　Strickland　said；　trying　to　put　it　as　delicately　as　possible。
　〃So　fuck　our　options。〃
　The　mood　began　to　simmer　after　they'd　passed　the　joint　around　about　four　times。　Moe　Strickland　eventually　stubbed　out　the　cigar　and　began　to　enjoy　himself。　On　the　street　above；　a　high…school　marching　band　practiced　the　theme　from　2001：　A　Space　Odyssey。　Filtered　through　six　feet　of　stone；　it　didn't　sound　half　bad。
　One　of　the　actor…elves　said；　〃Did　I　mention　there's　a　guy　living　in　our　dumpster？〃
　〃You're　kidding；〃　said　Moe　Strickland。
　〃No；　Uncle　Ely；　it's　true。　We　met　him　yesterday。〃
　〃In　the　dumpster？〃
　〃He　fixed　it　up　nice　like　you　wouldn't　believe。　We　gave　him　a　beer。〃
　Moe　Strickland　wondered　how　a　homeless　person　could've　found　a　way　into　The　Catabs；　or　why　he'd　want　to　stay　where　it　was　so