mc.prey-第4章

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　〃You　see　them　every　day　at　school；　that　should　be　enough。〃
　〃Mom　。。。〃
　〃Don't　look　at　your　father。　We　already　know　he'll　do　whatever　you　want。　I'm　talking　to　you；　now。〃
　She　sighed。　〃I　know；　Mom。〃
　This　kind　of　interaction　was　increasingly　mon　between　Nicole　and　Julia。　I　guess　it　was　normal　at　this　age；　but　I　thought　I'd　step　in。　Julia　was　tired；　and　when　she　was　tired　she　got　rigid　and　controlling。　I　put　my　arm　around　her　shoulder　and　said；　〃It's　late　for　everybody。　Want　a　cup　of　tea？〃
　〃Jack；　don't　interfere。〃
　〃I'm　not；　I　just…〃
　〃Yes；　you　are。　I'm　talking　to　Nicole　and　you're　interfering；　the　way　you　always　do。〃
　〃Honey；　we　all　agreed　she　could　stay　up　until　ten；　I　don't　know　what　this…〃
　〃But　if　she's　finished　her　homework；　she　should　go　to　bed。〃
　〃That　wasn't　the　deal。〃
　〃I　don't　want　her　spending　all　day　and　night　on　the　puter。〃
　〃She's　not；　Julia。〃
　At　that　point；　Nicole　burst　into　tears；　and　jumped　to　her　feet　crying；　〃You　always　criticize　me！　I　hate　you！〃　She　ran　into　the　bathroom　and　slammed　the　door。　That　woke　the　baby；　who　started　to　cry。
　Julia　turned　to　me　and　said；　〃If　you　would　please　just　let　me　handle　this　myself；　Jack。〃
　And　I　said；　〃You're　right。　I'm　sorry。　You're　right。〃
　In　truth；　that　wasn't　what　I　thought　at　all。　More　and　more；　I　regarded　this　as　my　house；　and　my　kids。　She　was　barging　into　my　house；　late　at　night；　when　I'd　gotten　everything　quiet；　the　way　I　liked　it；　the　way　it　should　be。　And　she　was　raising　a　fuss。
　I　didn't　think　she　was　right　at　all。　I　thought　she　was　wrong。　And　in　the　last　few　weeks　I'd　noticed　that　incidents　like　this　had　bee　more　frequent。　At　first；　I　thought　Julia　felt　guilty　about　being　away　so　much。　Then　I　thought　she　was　reasserting　her　authority；　trying　to　regain　control　of　a　household　that　had　fallen　into　my　hands。　Then　I　thought　it　was　because　she　was　tired；　or　under　so　much　pressure　at　work。　But　lately　I　felt　I　was　making　excuses　for　her　behavior。　I　started　to　have　the　feeling　Julia　had　changed。　She　was　different；　somehow；　tenser；　tougher。
　The　baby　was　howling。　I　picked　her　up　from　the　crib；　hugged　her；　cooed　at　her；　and　simultaneously　stuck　a　finger　down　the　back　of　the　diaper　to　see　if　it　was　wet。　It　was。　I　put　her　down　on　her　back　on　top　of　the　dresser；　and　she　howled　again　until　I　shook　her　favorite　rattle；　and　put　it　in　her　hand。　She　was　silent　then；　allowing　me　to　change　her　without　much　kicking。　〃I'll　do　that；〃　Julia　said；　ing　in。
　〃It's　okay。〃
　〃I　woke　her　up；　it's　only　right　I　do　it。〃
　〃Really　honey；　it's　fine。〃
　Julia　put　her　hand　on　my　shoulder；　kissed　the　back　of　my　neck。　〃I'm　sorry　I'm　such　a　jerk。　I'm　really　tired。　I　don't　know　what　came　over　me。　Let　me　change　the　baby；　I　never　get　to　see　her。〃
　〃Okay；〃　I　said。　I　stepped　aside；　and　she　moved　in。
　〃Hi；　Poopsie…doopsie；〃　she　said；　chucking　the　baby　under　the　chin。　〃How's　my　little　Winkie…dinkie？〃　All　this　attention　made　the　baby　drop　the　rattle；　and　then　she　started　to　cry；　and　to　twist　away　on　the　table。　Julia　didn't　notice　the　missing　rattle　caused　the　crying；　instead　she　made　soothing　sounds　and　struggled　to　put　on　the　new　diaper；　but　the　baby's　twisting　and　kicking　made　it　hard。　〃Amanda；　stop　it！〃
　I　said；　〃She　does　that　now。〃　And　it　was　true；　Amanda　was　in　the　stage　where　she　actively　resisted　a　diaper　change。　And　she　could　kick　pretty　hard。
　〃Well；　she　should　stop。　Stop！〃
　The　baby　cried　louder；　tried　to　turn　away。　One　of　the　adhesive　tabs　pulled　off。　The　diaper　slid　down。　Amanda　was　now　rolling　toward　the　edge　of　the　dresser。　Julia　pulled　her　back　roughly。　Amanda　never　stopped　kicking。
　〃God　damn　it；　I　said　stop！〃　Julia　said；　and　smacked　the　baby　on　the　leg。　The　baby　just　cried　harder；　kicked　harder。　〃Amanda！　Stop　it！　Stop　it！〃　She　slapped　her　again。　〃Stop　it！　Stop　it！〃　For　a　moment　I　didn't　react。　I　was　stunned。　I　didn't　know　what　to　do。　The　baby's　legs　were　bright　red。　Julia　was　still　hitting　her。　〃Honey　。。。〃　I　said；　leaning　in；　〃let's　not…〃　Julia　exploded。　〃Why　do　you　always　fucking　interfere？〃　she　yelled；　slamming　her　hand　down　on　the　dresser。　〃What　is　your　fucking　problem？〃
　And　she　stomped　off；　leaving　the　room。
　I　let　out　a　long　breath；　and　picked　the　baby　up。　Amanda　howled　inconsolably；　as　much　in　confusion　as　in　pain。　I　figured　I　would　need　to　give　her　a　bottle　to　get　her　to　sleep　again。　I　stroked　her　back　until　she　settled　down　a　little。　Then　I　got　her　diaper　on；　and　brought　her　into　the　kitchen　while　I　heated　a　bottle。　The　lights　were　low；　just　the　fluorescents　over　the　counter。　Julia　was　sitting　at　the　table；　drinking　beer　out　of　a　bottle；　staring　into　space。　〃When　are　you　going　to　get　a　job？〃　she　said。
　〃I'm　trying。〃
　〃Really？　I　don't　think　you're　trying　at　all。　When　was　your　last　interview？〃
　〃Last　week；〃　I　said。
　She　grunted。　〃I　wish　you'd　hurry　up　and　get　one；〃　she　said；　〃because　this　is　driving　me　crazy。〃　I　swallowed　anger。　〃I　know。　It's　hard　for　everybody；〃　I　said。　It　was　late　at　night；　and　I　didn't　want　to　argue　anymore。　But　I　was　watching　her　out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye。　At　thirty…six；　Julia　was　a　strikingly　pretty　woman；　petite；　with　dark　hair　and　dark　eyes；　upturned　nose；　and　the　kind　of　personality　that　people　called　bubbly　or　sparkling。　Unlike　many　tech　executives；　she　was　attractive　and　approachable。　She　made　friends　easily；　and　had　a　good　sense　of　humor。　Years　back；　when　we　first　had　Nicole；　Julia　would　e　home　with　hilarious　accounts　of　the　foibles　of　her　VC　partners。　We　used　to　sit　at　this　same　kitchen　table　and　laugh　until　I　felt　physically　sick；　while　little　Nicole　would　tug　at　her　arm　and　say；　〃What's　the　funny；　Mom？　What's　the　funny？〃　because　she　wanted　to　be　in　on　the　joke。　Of　course　we　could　never　explain　it　to　her；　but　Julia　always　seemed　to　have　a　new　〃Knock　knock〃　joke　for　Nicole；　so　she　could　join　in　the　laughter；　too。　Julia　had　a　real　gift　for　seeing　the　humorous　side　of　life。　She　was　famous　for　her　equanimity；　she　almost　never　lost　her　temper。　Right　now；　of　course；　she　was　furious。　Not　even　willing　to　look　at　me。　Sitting　in　the　dark　at　the　round　kitchen　table；　one　leg　crossed　over　the　other；　kicking　impatiently　while　she　stared　into　space。　As　I　looked　at　her；　I　had　the　feeling　that　her　appearance　had　changed；　somehow。　Of　course　she　had　lost　weight　recently；　part　of　the　strain　of　the　job。　A　certain　softness　in　her　face　was　gone；　her　cheekbones　protruded　more；　her　chin　seemed　sharper。　It　made　her　look　harder；　but　in　a　way　more　glamorous。
　Her　clothes　were　different；　too。　Julia　was　wearing　a　dark　skirt　and　a　white　blouse；　sort　of　standard　business　attire。　But　the　skirt　was　tighter　than　usual。　And　her　kicking　foot　made　me　notice　she　was　wearing　slingback　high　heels。　What　she　used　to　call　fuck…me　shoes。　The　kind　of　shoes　she　would　never　wear　to　work。
　And　then　I　realized　that　everything　about　her　was　different…her　manner；　her　appearance；　her　mood；　everything…and　in　a　flash　of　insight　I　knew　why：　my　wife　was　having　an　affair。　The　water　on　the　stove　began　to　steam；　and　I　pulled　out　the　bottle；　tested　it　on　my　forearm。　It　had　gotten　too　hot；　and　I　would　have　to　wait　a　minute　for　it　to　cool。　The　baby　started　to　cry；　and　I　bounced　her　a　little　on　my　shoulder；　while　I　walked　her　around　the　room。　Julia　never　looked　at　me。　She　just　kept　swinging　her　foot；　and　staring　into　space。　I　had　read　somewhere　that　this　was　a　syndrome。　The　husband's　out　of　work；　his　masculine　appeal　declines；　his　wife　no　longer　respects　him；　and　she　wanders。　I　had　read　that　in　Glamour　or　Redbook　or　one　of　those　magazines　around　the　house　that　I　glanced　through　while　waiting　for　the　washing　machine　to　finish　its　cycle；　or　the　microwave　to　thaw　the　hamburger。　But　now　I　was　flooded　with　confused　feelings。　Was　it　really　true？　Was　I　just　tired；　making　up　bad　stories　in　my　mind？　After　all；　what　difference　did　it　make　if　she　was　wearing　tighter　skirts　and　different　shoes？　Fashions　changed。　People　felt　different　on　different　days。　And　just　because　she　was　sometimes　angry；　did　that　really　mean　she　was　having　an　affair？　Of　course　it　didn't。　I　was　probably　just　feeling　inadequate；　unattractive。　These　were　probably　my　insecurities　ing　out。　My　thoughts　went　on　in　this　vein　for　a　while。
　But　for　some　reason；　I　couldn't　talk　myself　out　of　it。　I　was　sur