lmb.shardsofhonor-第47章

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　He　opened　his　eyes　to　slits　and　reached　for　a　crystal　tumbler　filled　with　an　amber　liquid；　then　appeared　to　change　his　mind　and　picked　up　the　white　bottle　instead。　A　small　measuring　cup　stood　beside　it；　which　he　ignored；　knocking　back　a　slug　of　the　white　liquid　directly　from　its　source　instead。　He　sneered　briefly　at　the　bottle；　then　traded　it　for　the　crystal　tumbler　and　took　a　drink；　rinsing　it　around　in　his　mouth　and　swallowing。　He　hunched　back　down　in　the　armchair；　at　a　slightly　lower　level　than　before。
　〃Liquid　breakfast？〃　Cordelia　inquired。　〃Is　it　as　tasty　as　oatmeal　and　blue　cheese　dressing？〃
　His　eyes　snapped　open。　〃You；〃　he　said　hoarsely　after　a　moment；　〃are　not　a　hallucination。〃　He　started　to　get　up；　then　appeared　to　think　better　of　it　and　sank　back　in　frozen　self…consciousness。　〃I　never　wanted　you　to　see。。。〃
　She　mounted　the　steps　to　the　shade；　pushed　a　chaise　closer　to　him；　and　seated　herself。　Blast；　she　thought；　I've　embarrassed　him；　catching　him　all　awry　like　this。　Off　balance。　How　to　put　him　at　his　ease？　I　would　have　him　at　his　ease；　always。。。　〃I　tried　to　call　ahead；　when　I　first　landed　yesterday；　but　I　kept　missing　you。　If　hallucinations　are　what　you　expect；　that　must　be　remarkable　stuff。　Pour　me　one　too；　please。〃
　〃I　think　you'd　prefer　the　other。〃　He　poured　from　the　second　decanter；　looking　shaken。　Curious；　she　tasted　from　his　glass。
　〃Faugh！　That's　not　wine。〃
　〃Brandy。〃
　〃At　this　hour？〃
　〃If　I　start　after　breakfast；〃　he　explained；　〃I　can　generally　achieve　total　unconsciousness　by　lunch。〃
　Pretty　close　to　lunch　now；　she　thought。　His　speech　had　misled　her　at　first；　being　perfectly　clear；　only　slower　and　more　hesitant　than　usual。　〃There　must　be　less　poisonous　general　anesthetics。〃　The　straw…pale　wine　he　had　poured　her　was　excellent；　although　dry　for　her　taste。　〃You　do　this　every　day？〃
　〃God；　no。〃　He　shuddered。　〃Two　or　three　times　a　week　at　most。　One　day　drinking；　the　next　day　being　ill…a　hangover　is　quite　as　good　as　being　drunk　for　taking　your　mind　off　other　things…the　next　day　running　errands　and　such　for　my　father。　He's　slowed　down　a　great　deal　in　the　last　few　years。〃
　He　was　gradually　pulling　himself　into　better　focus；　as　his　initial　awkward　terror　of　being　repellant　to　her　ebbed。　He　sat　up　and　rubbed　his　hand　over　his　face　in　the　familiar　gesture；　as　if　to　scrub　away　the　numbness；　and　made　a　stab　at　light　conversation。　〃That's　a　pretty　dress。　A　great　improvement　over　those　orange　things。〃
　〃Thanks；〃　she　said；　falling　in　immediately　with　his　lead。　〃I'm　sorry　I　can't　say　the　same　for　your　shirt…does　that　represent　your　own　taste；　by　chance？〃
　〃No；　it　was　a　gift。〃
　〃I'm　relieved。〃
　〃Something　of　a　joke。　Some　of　my　officers　got　together　and　purchased　it　on　the　occasion　of　my　first　promotion　to　admiral；　before　Komarr。　I　always　think　of　them；　when　I　wear　it。〃
　〃Well；　that's　nice。　In　that　case　I　guess　I　can　get　used　to　it。〃
　〃Three　of　the　four　are　dead；　now。　Two　died　at　Escobar。〃
　〃I　see。〃　So　much　for　light　chitchat。　She　swirled　her　wine　around　in　the　bottom　of　her　glass。　〃You　look　like　hell；　you　know。　Pasty。〃
　〃Yes；　I　stopped　exercising。　Bothari's　quite　offended。〃
　〃I'm　glad　Bothari　didn't　get　in　too　much　trouble　over　Vorrutyer。〃
　〃It　was　touch　and　go；　but　I　got　him　off。　Illyan's　testimony　helped。〃
　〃Yet　they　discharged　him。〃
　〃Honorably。　On　a　medical。〃
　〃Did　you　put　your　father　up　to　hiring　him？〃
　〃Yes。　It　seemed　like　the　right　thing　to　do。　He'll　never　be　normal；　as　we　think　of　it；　but　at　least　he　has　a　uniform；　and　a　weapon；　and　regulations　of　a　sort　to　follow。　It　seems　to　give　him　an　anchor。〃　He　ran　a　finger　slowly　around　the　rim　of　the　brandy　tumbler。　〃He　was　Vorrutyer's　batman　for　four　years；　you　see。　He　was　not　too　well；　when　he　was　first　assigned　to　the　General　Vorkraft。　On　the　verge　of　a　split　personality…separating　memories；　the　works。　Rather　scary。　Being　a　soldier　seems　to　be　about　the　only　human　role　he　can　meet　the　demands　of。　It　allows　him　a　kind　of　self…respect。〃　He　smiled　at　her。　〃You；　on　the　other　hand；　look　like　heaven。　Can　you；　ah…stay　long？〃
　There　was　a　hesitant　hunger　in　his　face；　soundless　desire　suppressed　by　uncertainty。　We　have　hesitated　so　long；　she　thought；　it's　bee　a　habit。　Then　it　dawned　on　her　that　he　feared　she　might　only　be　visiting。　Hell　of　a　long　trip　for　a　chat；　my　love。　You　are　drunk。
　〃As　long　as　you　like。　I　discovered；　when　I　went　home…it　was　changed。　Or　I　was　changed。　Nothing　fit　anymore。　I　offended　nearly　everybody；　and　left　one　step　ahead　of；　um；　a　whole　lot　of　trouble。　I　can't　go　back。　I　resigned　my　mission…mailed　it　in　from　Escobar…and　everything　I　own　is　in　the　back　of　that　flyer　down　there。〃
　She　savored　the　delight　that　ignited　his　eyes　during　this　speech；　as　it　finally　penetrated　that　she　was　here　to　stay。　It　contented　her。
　〃I　would　get　up；〃　he　said；　sliding　to　the　side　of　his　chair；　〃but　for　some　reason　my　legs　go　first　and　my　tongue　last。　I'd　rather　fall　at　your　feet　in　some　more　controlled　fashion。　I'll　improve　shortly。　Meantime；　will　you　e　sit　here？〃
　〃Gladly。〃　She　changed　chairs。　〃But　won't　I　squash　you？　I'm　kind　of　tall。〃
　〃Not　a　bit。　I　loathe　tiny　women。　Ah；　that's　better。〃
　〃Yes。〃　She　nestled　down　with　him；　arms　around　his　chest；　resting　her　head　on　his　shoulder；　and　hooking　one　leg　over　him　as　well；　to　emphatically　plete　his　capture。　The　captive　emitted　something　between　a　sigh　and　a　laugh。　She　wished　they　might　sit　like　that　forever。
　〃You'll　have　to　give　up　this　suicide…by…alcohol　thing；　you　know。〃
　He　cocked　his　head。　〃I　thought　I　was　being　subtle。〃
　〃Not　noticeably。〃
　〃Well；　it　suits　me。　It's　extraordinarily　unfortable。〃
　〃Yes；　you've　worried　your　father。　He　gave　me　the　funniest　look。〃
　〃Not　his　glare；　I　hope。　He　has　a　very　withering　glare。　Perfected　over　a　lifetime。〃
　〃Not　at　all。　He　smiled。〃
　〃Good　God。〃　A　grin　crinkled　the　corners　of　his　eyes。
　She　laughed；　and　craned　her　neck　for　a　look　at　his　face。　That　was　better。。。
　〃I'll　shave；　too；〃　he　promised　in　a　burst　of　enthusiasm。
　〃Don't　go　overboard　on　my　account。　I　came　to　retire；　too。　A　separate　peace；　as　they　say。〃
　〃Peace；　indeed。〃　He　nuzzled　her　hair；　breathing　its　scent。　His　muscles　unwound　beneath　her　like　an　overtaut　bow　unstrung。
　A　few　weeks　after　their　marriage　they　took　their　first　trip　together；　Cordelia　acpanying　Vorkosigan　on　his　periodic　pilgrimage　to　the　Imperial　Military　Hospital　in　Vorbarr　Sultana。　They　traveled　in　a　groundcar　borrowed　from　the　Count；　Bothari　taking　what　was　evidently　his　usual　role　as　bination　driver　and　bodyguard。　To　Cordelia；　who　was　just　beginning　to　know　him　well　enough　to　see　through　his　taciturn　facade；　he　seemed　on　edge。　He　glanced　uncertainly　over　her　head；　seated　between　him　and　Vorkosigan。
　〃Did　you　tell　her；　sir？〃
　〃Yes；　everything。　It's　all　right；　Sergeant。〃
　Cordelia　added　encouragingly；　〃I　think　you're　doing　the　right　thing；　Sergeant。　I'm；　um；　very　pleased。〃
　He　relaxed　a　little；　and　almost　smiled。　〃Thank　you；　Milady。〃
　She　studied　his　profile　covertly；　her　mind　ranging　over　the　array　of　difficulties　he　would　be　taking　back　to　the　hired　village　woman　at　Vorkosigan　Surleau　this　day；　gravely　doubtful　of　his　ability　to　handle　them。　She　risked　probing　a　little。
　〃Have　you　thought　about…what　you're　going　to　tell　her　about　her　mother；　as　she　grows　older？　She's　bound　to　want　to　know　eventually。〃
　He　nodded；　was　silent；　then　spoke。　〃Going　to　tell　her　she's　dead。　Tell　her　we　were　married。　It's　not　a　good　thing　to　be　a　bastard　here。〃　His　hand　tightened　on　the　controls。　〃So　she　won't　be。　No　one　must　call　her　that。〃
　〃I　see。〃　Good　luck；　she　thought。　She　turned　to　a　lighter　question。　〃Do　you　know　what　you're　going　to　name　her？〃
　〃Elena。〃
　〃That's　pretty。　Elena　Bothari。〃
　〃It　was　her　mother's　name。〃
　Cordelia　was　surprised　into　an　unguarded　remark。　〃I　thought　you　couldn't　remember　Escobar！〃
　A　little　time　went　by；　and　he　said；　〃You　can　beat　the　memory　drugs；　some；　if　you　know　how。〃
　Vorkosigan　raised　his　eyebrows。　Evidently　this　was　new　to　him；　too。　〃How　do　you　do　that；　Sergeant？〃　he　asked；　carefully　neutral。
　〃Someone　I　knew　once　told　me。。。　You　write　down　what　you　want　to　remember；　and　think　about　it。　Then　hide　it…the　way　we　used　to　hide　your　secret　files　f