lmb.shardsofhonor-第43章

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　〃Mustn't　talk　about　the　Prince。　That　mountain　of　corpses。。。〃　Cordelia　squinted　in　the　smoke。　The　smoke…the　odd；　acrid　smoke　from　cigarettes；　once　lit；　never　again　lifted　to　the　mouth。。。
　〃You're…drugging…me。。。〃　Her　voice　broke　in　a　strangled　howl；　and　she　staggered　to　her　feet。　The　air　was　like　glue。　Mehta　leaned　forward；　lips　parted　in　concentration。　She　then　jumped　from　her　chair　and　back　in　surprise　as　Cordelia　lurched　toward　her。
　Cordelia　swept　the　recorder　from　the　table　and　fell　upon　it　as　it　smashed　to　the　floor；　beating　on　it　with　her　good　hand；　her　right　hand。　〃Never　talk！　No　more　death！　You　can't　make　me！　Blew　it…you　can't　get　away　with　it；　I'm　sorry；　watchdog；　remembers　every　word；　I'm　sorry；　shot　him；　please；　talk　to　me；　please；　let　me　out；　please　let　me　out　pleaseletmeout。。。〃
　Mehta　was　trying　to　lift　her　from　the　floor；　speaking　soothingly。　Cordelia　caught　pieces　in　the　outwash　of　her　own　babble。　〃…not　supposed　to　do　that…idiosyncratic　reaction…most　unusual。　Please；　Captain　Naismith；　e　lie　down。。。〃
　Something　glittered　at　Mehta's　fingertips。　An　ampule。　〃No！〃　screamed　Cordelia；　rolling　on　her　back　and　kicking　at　her。　She　connected。　The　ampule　arced　away　to　roll　under　a　low　table。　〃No　drugs　no　drugs　no　no　no。。。〃　Mehta　was　pale　olive。　〃All　right！　All　right！　But　e　lie　down…that's　it；　like　that。。。〃　She　darted　away　to　turn　up　the　air…conditioning　full　blast；　and　stub　out　the　second　cigarette。　The　air　cleared　quickly。
　Cordelia　lay　on　the　couch；　regaining　her　breath　and　trembling。　So　close…she　had　e　so　close　to　betraying　him…and　this　was　only　the　first　session。　Gradually　she　began　to　feel　cooler　and　clearer。
　She　sat　up；　her　face　buried　in　her　hands。　〃That　was　a　dirty　trick；〃　she　observed　in　a　flat　voice。
　Mehta　smiled；　thin　as　plastic　over　an　underlying　excitement。　〃Well；　it　was；　a　little。　But　it's　been　an　enormously　productive　session。　Far　more　than　I　ever　expected。〃
　I'll　bet；　thought　Cordelia。　Enjoyed　my　performance；　did　you？　Mehta　was　kneeling　on　the　floor；　picking　up　pieces　of　the　recorder。
　〃Sorry　about　your　machine。　Can't　imagine　what　came　over　me。　Did　I…destroy　your　results？〃
　〃Yes；　you　should　have　just　fallen　asleep。　Strange。　And　no。〃　Rather　triumphantly；　she　pulled　a　data　cartridge　from　the　wreck；　and　set　it　carefully　on　the　table。　〃You　won't　have　to　go　through　that　again。　It's　all　right　here。　Very　good。〃
　〃What　do　you　make　of　it？〃　asked　Cordelia　dryly；　through　her　fingers。
　Mehta　regarded　her　with　professional　fascination。　〃You　are　without　doubt　the　most　challenging　case　I've　ever　handled。　But　this　should　relieve　your　mind　of　any　lingering　doubts　about　whether　the　Barrayarans　have；　ah；　violently　rearranged　your　thinking。　Your　readouts　practically　went　off　the　scales。〃　She　nodded　firmly。
　〃You　know；〃　said　Cordelia；　〃I'm　not　too　crazy　about　your　methods。　I　have　a…particular　aversion　to　being　drugged　against　my　will。　I　thought　that　sort　of　thing　was　illegal。〃
　〃But　necessary；　sometimes。　The　data　are　much　purer　if　the　subject　is　not　aware　of　the　observation。　It's　considered　sufficiently　ethical　if　permission　is　obtained　post　facto。〃
　〃Post　facto　permission；　eh？〃　Cordelia　purred。　Fear　and　fury　wound　a　double　helix　up　her　spine；　coiling　tighter　and　tighter。　With　an　effort；　she　kept　her　smile　straight；　not　letting　it　turn　into　a　snarl。　〃That's　a　legal　concept　I'd　never　thought　of。　It　sounds…almost　Barrayaran。　I　don't　want　you　on　my　case；〃　she　added　abruptly。　Mehta　made　a　note；　and　looked　up；　smiling。　〃That's　not　a　statement　of　emotion；〃　Cordelia　emphasized。　〃That's　a　legal　demand。　I　refuse　any　further　treatment　from　you。〃
　Mehta　nodded　understandingly。　Was　the　woman　deaf？
　〃Enormous　progress；〃　said　Mehta　happily。　〃I　wouldn't　have　expected　to　uncover　the　aversion　defense　for　another　week　yet。〃
　〃What？〃
　〃You　didn't　expect　the　Barrayarans　would　put　that　much　work　into　you　and　not　plant　defenses　around　it；　did　you？　Of　course　you　feel　hostile。　Just　remember；　those　are　not　your　own　feelings。　Tomorrow；　we　will　work　on　them。〃
　〃Oh　no　we　won't！〃　The　muscles　up　her　scalp　were　tense　as　wire。　Her　head　ached　fiercely。　〃You're　fired！〃
　Mehta　looked　eager。　〃Oh；　excellent！〃
　〃Did　you　hear　me？〃　demanded　Cordelia。　Where　did　that　shrieky　whine　in　my　voice　e　from？　Calm；　calm。。。
　〃Captain　Naismith；　I　remind　you　that　we　are　not　civilians。　I　am　not　in　the　ordinary　legal　physician…patient　relationship　with　you；　we　are　both　under　military　discipline；　pursuing；　I　have　reason　to　believe；　a　military…never　mind。　Suffice　it　to　say；　you　did　not　hire　me　and　you　can't　fire　me。　Tomorrow；　then。〃
　Cordelia　remained　seated　for　hours　after　she　left；　staring　at　the　wall　and　swinging　her　leg　in　absent　thumps　against　the　side　of　the　couch；　until　her　mother　came　home　with　supper。　The　next　day　she　left　the　apartment　early　in　the　morning　on　a　random　tour　of　the　city；　and　didn't　return　until　late　at　night。
　That　night；　in　her　weariness　and　loneliness；　she　sat　down　to　write　her　first　letter　to　Vorkosigan。　She　threw　away　her　original　attempt　halfway　through；　when　she　realized　his　mail　was　probably　read　by　other　eyes；　perhaps　Illyan's。　Her　second　was　more　neutrally　worded。　She　made　it　handwritten；　on　paper；　and　being　alone　kissed　it　before　she　sealed　it；　then　smiled　wryly　at　herself　for　doing　so。　A　paper　letter　was　far　more　expensive　to　ship　to　Barrayar　than　an　electronic　one；　but　he　would　handle　it；　as　she　had。　It　was　as　close　to　a　touch　as　they　could　e。
　The　next　morning　Mehta　called　early　on　the　console；　to　tell　Cordelia　cheerily　she　could　relax；　something　had　e　up；　and　their　session　that　afternoon　was　canceled。　She　did　not　refer　to　Cordelia's　absence　the　previous　afternoon。
　Cordelia　was　relieved　at　first；　until　she　began　thinking　about　it。　Just　to　be　sure；　she　absented　herself　from　home　again。　The　day　might　have　been　pleasant；　but　for　a　dust…up　with　some　journalists　lurking　around　the　apartment　shaft；　and　the　discovery　about　mid…afternoon　that　she　was　being　followed　by　two　men　in　very　inconspicuous　civilian　sarongs。　Sarongs　were　last　year's　fashion；　this　year　it　was　exotic　and　whimsical　body　paint；　at　least　for　the　brave。　Cordelia；　wearing　her　old　tan　Survey　fatigues；　lost　them　by　trailing　them　through　a　pornographic　feelie…show。　But　they　turned　up　again　later　in　the　afternoon　as　she　puttered　through　the　Silica　Zoo。
　At　Mehta's　appointed　hour　the　next　afternoon　the　door　chimed。　Cordelia　slouched　reluctantly　to　answer　it。　How　am　I　going　to　handle　her　today？　she　wondered。　I'm　running　low　on　inspiration。　So　tired。。。
　Her　stomach　sank。　Now　what？　Framed　in　the　doorway　were　Mehta；　modore　Tailor；　and　a　husky　medtech。　That　one；　Cordelia　thought；　staring　up　at　him；　looks　like　he　could　handle　Bothari。　Backing　up　a　bit；　she　led　them　into　her　mother's　living　room。　Her　mother　retreated　to　the　kitchen；　ostensibly　to　prepare　coffee。
　modore　Tailor　seated　himself　and　cleared　his　throat　nervously。　〃Cordelia；　I　have　something　to　say　that　will　be　a　little　painful；　I'm　afraid。〃
　Cordelia　perched　on　the　arm　of　a　chair　and　swung　her　leg　back　and　forth；　baring　her　teeth　in　what　she　hoped　was　a　bland　smile。　〃S…sticking　you　with　the　dirty　work；　eh？　One　of　the　joys　of　mand。　Go　ahead。〃
　〃We're　going　to　have　to　ask　you　to　agree　to　hospitalization　for　further　therapy。〃
　Dear　God；　here　we　go。　The　muscles　of　her　belly　trembled　beneath　her　shirt；　it　was　a　loose　shirt；　maybe　they　wouldn't　notice。　〃Oh？　Why？〃　she　inquired　casually。
　〃We're　afraid…we're　very　much　afraid　that　the　Barrayaran　mind　programming　you　underwent　was　a　lot　more　extensive　than　anyone　realized。　We　think；　in　fact。。。〃　he　paused；　taking　a　deep　breath；　〃that　they've　tried　to　make　you　an　agent。〃
　Is　that　an　editorial　or　an　imperial　〃we；〃　Bill？
　〃Tried；　or　succeeded？〃
　Tailor's　gaze　wavered。　Mehta　fixed　him　with　a　cold　stare。　〃Our　opinion　is　divided　on　that…〃
　Note；　class；　how　sedulously　he　avoids　the　〃I〃　of　personal　responsibility…it　suggests　the　worst　〃we〃　of　all；　the　guilty　〃we〃…what　the　hell　are　they　planning？
　〃…but　that　letter　you　sent　day　before　yesterday　to　the　Barrayaran　admiral；　Vorkosigan…we　thought　you　should　have　a　chance　to　explain　it；　first。〃
　〃I　s…see。〃　You　dared！　〃Not　an　official　l…letter。　How　could　it　be？　You　know　Vorkosigan's　retired