lmb.shardsofhonor-第39章

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　〃Yes；　well；　there's　more　of　you　than　there　are　of　me。　Suppose　I　agree　to　talk　to　you。　Will　you　call　off　the　rest　of　your　dogs？〃
　〃I'm　here　for　you　to　talk　to…but　when　you　are　ready。〃
　〃So；　ask　me　what　you　want　to　know。　Let's　get　this　over　with；　so　we　can　both　relax。〃　I　could　use　a　little　therapy；　at　that；　Cordelia　thought　wistfully。　I　feel　so　lousy。。。
　Sprague　seated　herself　on　the　bed；　a　mild　smile　on　her　face　and　the　utmost　attention　in　her　eyes。　〃I　want　to　try　and　help　you　remember　what　happened　during　the　time　you　were　a　prisoner　aboard　the　Barrayaran　flagship。　Getting　it　into　your　consciousness；　however　horrible　it　was；　is　your　first　step　to　healing。〃
　〃Um；　I　think　we　may　be　at　cross…purposes。　I　remember　everything　that　happened　during　that　time　with　the　utmost　clarity。　I　have　no　trouble　getting　it　into　my　consciousness。　What　I　would　like　is　to　get　it　out；　at　least　long　enough　to　sleep　now　and　then。〃
　〃I　see。　Go　on。　Why　don't　you　describe　what　happened？〃
　Cordelia　gave　an　account　of　events；　from　the　time　of　the　wormhole　jump　from　Beta　Colony　until　after　the　murder　of　Vorrutyer；　but　ended　it　before　Vorkosigan's　entrance；　saying　vaguely；　〃I　moved　around　to　different　hiding　places　on　the　ship　for　a　couple　of　days；　but　they　caught　me　in　the　end　and　put　me　back　in　the　brig。〃
　〃So。　You　don't　remember　being　tortured　or　raped　by　Admiral　Vorrutyer；　and　you　don't　remember　killing　him。〃
　〃I　wasn't。　And　I　didn't。　I　thought　I　made　that　clear。〃
　The　doctor　shook　her　head　sorrowfully。　〃It's　reported　you　were　taken　away　from　camp　twice　by　the　Barrayarans。　Do　you　remember　what　happened　during　those　times？〃
　〃Yes；　of　course。〃
　〃Can　you　describe　it？〃
　She　balked。　〃No。〃　The　secret　of　the　Prince's　assassination　would　be　nothing　to　the　Escobarans…they　could　hardly　dislike　the　Barrayarans　any　more　than　they　did　already…but　the　mere　rumor　of　the　truth　could　be　devastating　to　civil　order　on　Barrayar。　Riots；　military　mutiny；　the　downfall　of　Vorkosigan's　Emperor…those　were　just　the　beginnings　of　the　possible　consequences。　If　there　was　a　civil　war　on　Barrayar；　could　Vorkosigan　be　killed　in　it？　God；　please；　thought　Cordelia　wearily；　no　more　death。。。
　Sprague　looked　tremendously　interested。　Cordelia　felt　pounced　on。　She　amended　herself。　〃There　was　an　officer　of　mine；　who　was　killed　during　the　Betan　survey　of　that　planet…you　know　about　that；　I　hope？〃　The　doctor　nodded。　〃They　made　arrangements　to　put　a　marker　on　his　grave；　at　my　request。　That's　all。〃
　〃I　understand；〃　Sprague　sighed。　〃We　had　another　case　like　yours。　The　girl　had　also　been　raped　by　Vorrutyer；　or　some　of　his　men；　and　had　it　covered　up　by　the　Barrayaran　medical　people。　I　suppose　they　were　trying　to　protect　his　reputation。〃
　〃Oh；　I　believe　I　met　her；　aboard　the　flagship。　She　was　in　my　shelter；　too；　right？〃
　Sprague's　surprised　look　confirmed　it；　although　she　made　a　little　vague　gesture　indicating　professional　confidence。
　〃You're　right　about　her；〃　Cordelia　went　on。　〃I'm　glad　she's　getting　what　she　needs。　But　you're　wrong　about　me。　You're　wrong　about　Vorrutyer's　reputation；　too。　The　whole　reason　they　put　out　this　stupid　story　about　me　was　because　they　thought　it　would　look　worse　for　him　to　be　killed　by　a　weak　woman　than　by　one　of　his　own　bat　soldiers。〃
　〃The　physical　evidence　from　your　medical　examination　alone　is　enough　to　make　me　question　that；〃　said　Sprague。
　〃What　physical　evidence？〃　asked　Cordelia；　momentarily　bewildered。
　〃The　evidence　of　torture；〃　the　doctor　replied；　looking　grim；　even　a　little　angry。　Not　angry　at　her；　Cordelia　realized。
　〃What？　I　was　never　tortured！〃
　〃Yes。　An　excellent　cover…up。　Outrageous…but　they　couldn't　hide　the　physical　traces。　Are　you　aware　that　you　had　a　broken　arm；　two　broken　ribs；　numerous　contusions　on　your　neck；　head；　hands；　arms…your　whole　body；　in　fact？　And　your　biochemistry…evidence　of　extreme　stress；　sensory　deprivation；　considerable　weight　loss；　sleep　disorders；　adrenal　excess…shall　I　go　on？〃
　〃Oh；〃　said　Cordelia。　〃That。〃
　〃Oh；　that？〃　echoed　the　doctor；　raising　an　eyebrow。
　〃I　can　explain　that；〃　said　Cordelia　eagerly。　She　laughed　a　little。　〃In　a　way；　I　suppose　I　can　blame　it　on　you　Escobarans。　I　was　in　a　cell　on　the　flagship　during　the　retreat。　It　took　a　hit…shook　everything　around　like　gravel　in　a　can；　including　me。　That's　where　I　got　the　broken　bones　and　so　on。〃
　The　doctor　made　a　note。　〃Very　good。　Very　good　indeed。　Subtle。　But　not　subtle　enough…your　bones　were　broken　on　two　different　occasions。〃
　〃Oh；〃　said　Cordelia。　And　how　am　I　going　to　explain　Bothari；　without　mentioning　Vorkosigan's　cabin？　A　friend　tried　to　strangle　me。。。
　〃I　would　like　you　to　think；〃　said　Dr。　Sprague　carefully；　〃about　the　possibility　of　drug　therapy。　The　Barrayarans　have　done　an　excellent　cover…up　on　you；　even　better　than　the　other；　and　it　took　very　deep　probing　indeed　for　her。　I　think　it's　going　to　be　even　more　necessary　in　your　case。　But　we　must　have　your　voluntary　cooperation。〃
　〃Thank　God　for　that。〃　Cordelia　lay　back　on　her　bed　and　pulled　her　pillow　over　her　face；　thinking　of　drug　therapy。　It　made　her　blood　run　cold。　She　wondered　how　long　she　could　take　deep　probing　for　memories　that　weren't　there　before　she　started　manufacturing　them　to　meet　the　demand。　And　worse：　the　very　first　effect　of　probing　must　be　to　bring　up　those　secret　agonies　that　were　uppermost　on　her　mind…Vorkosigan's　secret　wounds。。。　She　sighed；　removed　the　pillow　from　her　head　and　hugged　it　to　her　chest；　and　looked　up　to　find　Sprague　regarding　her　with　deep　concern。　〃You　still　here？〃
　〃I'll　always　be　here；　Cordelia。〃
　〃That's…what　I　was　afraid　of。〃
　Sprague　got　no　more　from　her　after　that。　She　was　afraid　to　sleep；　now；　for　fear　of　talking　or　even　being　questioned　in　her　sleep。　She　took　little　catnaps；　waking　with　a　start　whenever　there　was　movement　in　the　cabin；　such　as　her　roommate　getting　up　to　go　to　the　bathroom　in　the　night。　Cordelia　did　not　admire　Ezar　Vorbarra's　secret　purposes　in　the　late　war；　but　at　least　they　had　been　acplished。　The　thought　of　all　that　pain　and　death　being　made　vain　as　smoke　haunted　her；　and　she　resolved　that　all　Vorkosigan's　soldiers；　yes；　even　Vorrutyer　and　the　camp　mandant；　would　not　be　made　to　have　died　for　nothing　through　her。
　She　ended　the　trip　far　more　frayed　than　she　had　begun　it；　floating　on　the　edge　of　real　breakdown；　plagued　by　pounding　headaches；　insomnia；　a　mysterious　left…hand　tremula；　and　the　beginnings　of　a　stutter。
　The　trip　from　Escobar　to　Beta　Colony　was　much　easier。　It　only　took　four　days；　in　a　Betan　fast　courier　sent；　she　was　surprised　to　find；　especially　for　her。　She　viewed　the　news　reports　on　her　cabin　holovid。　She　was　deathly　tired　of　the　war；　but　she　caught　by　chance　a　mention　of　Vorkosigan's　name；　and　could　not　resist　following　it　up　to　find　out　what　the　public　view　of　his　part　was。
　Horrified；　she　discovered　that　his　work　with　the　Judiciary's　investigative　mission　led　the　Betan　and　Escobaran　press　to　blame　him　for　the　way　the　prisoners　had　been　treated；　as　if　he　had　been　in　charge　of　them　from　the　beginning。　The　old　false　Komarr　story　was　dragged　out　on　parade；　and　his　name　was　reviled　everywhere。　The　injustice　of　it　all　made　her　furious；　and　she　gave　up　the　news　in　disgust。
　At　last　they　orbited　Beta　Colony；　and　she　haunted　Nav　and　　for　a　glimpse　of　home。
　〃There's　the　old　sandbox　at　last。〃　The　captain　cheerfully　keyed　her　a　view。　〃They're　sending　a　shuttle　up　for　you；　but　there's　a　storm　over　the　capital；　and　it's　a　bit　delayed；　till　it　subsides　enough　for　them　to　drop　screens　at　the　port。〃
　〃I　may　as　well　wait　till　I　get　down　to　call　my　mom；〃　Cordelia　mented。　〃She's　probably　at　work　now。　No　point　bothering　her　there。　Hospital's　not　far　from　the　shuttleport。　I　can　get　a　nice　relaxing　drink　while　I　wait　for　her　to　get　off　shift　and　pick　me　up。〃
　The　captain　gave　her　a　peculiar　look。　〃Uh；　yeah。〃
　The　shuttle　arrived　eventually。　Cordelia　shook　hands　all　around；　thanking　the　courier　crew　for　the　ride；　and　went　aboard。　The　shuttle　stewardess　greeted　her　with　a　pile　of　new　clothes。
　〃What's　all　this？　By　heavens；　the　Expeditionary　Force　uniforms　at　last！　Better　late　than　never；　I　guess。〃
　〃Why　don't　you　go　ahead　and　put　them　on；〃　urged　the　stewardess；　smiling　extraordinarily。
　〃Wh