ericlustbader.the ninja-第95章

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e。　'There's　no　love；　no　life。　And　to　the　south；　in　Kumamoto？　What's　there？　Saigo。　Saigo　and　his　damnable　secrets。　I　don't　want　any　part　of　all　that。　It　terrifies　me。'
　They　had　passed　a　street　vendor；　shrouded　in　fog；　and　Nicholas　detached　himself　from　her　for　a　moment；　went　back；　bought　two　small　paper　cups　of　tofu　in　a　sticky　sweet　brown　glaze。　He　gave　her　one。　A　wooden　spoon　was　stuck　in　the　centre　of　the　sweet。
　She　looked　at　it；　then　at　him。　'What's　the　matter　with　you？'　she　said。　A　strong　gust　of　wind；　humid　with　the　fecundity　of　the　sea；　whipped　around　them　and　she　had　to　peel　her　hair　away　from　her　face。　A　few　strands　clung　to　the　wet　corner　of　her　lips。　The　rest　of　her　hair；　unbound；　was　like　a　scarf　worn　in　midwinter；　flying　out　behind　her。　'You　treat　me　like　a　child。　You　buy　me　a　sweet　as　if　I've　just　awakened　from　a　nightmare。'　She　batted　the　paper　cup　from　his　outstretched　hand。　It　hit　the　ground　with　a　fat　splat　and　stayed　there；　a　misshapen　lump　of　white　and　brown。　'What　I'm　feeling　is　not　going　to　go　away；　despite　what　you　may　think。　I　go　to　sleep　at　night　and　wake　up　the　next　morning　hoping　that　it　is　all　a　dream。　But　it's　not。　Don't　you　see　that？'　He　began　to　walk；　she　with　him。　'Nicholas；　please。'　Her　body　was　bent　slightly；　either　against　the　wind　or　against　her　emotions；　perhaps　both。　I'm　begging　you。　Let's　stay　here。　I　don't　want　to　go　across　to　Kyushu。'
　'But　why　not？　You　knew　where　we　were　ing　when　you　insisted　I　bring　you　along。　What　did　you　imagine　would　happen？'
　'I　don't　know；'　she　said　miserably。　'I　didn't　think　that　far　ahead。　I'm　not　like　you　in　that　respect。　I　can't　plan　ahead。　I　never　know　what　I　am　going　to　do；　how　I　am　going　to　feel　until　I　do　it。　I　didn't　go　with　it　all　the　way　until　the　end。　I　just　wanted　to　be　with　you　…'　Her　hand　flew　to　her　mouth　and　her　eyes　opened　wide。　She　whirled　away　from　him；　bent　over。
　'Yukio…'
　'Leave　me　alone。　I　don't　know　what　I'm　saying　any　more。〃
　He　threw　away　the　cup；　held　her　by　her　shoulders。　'I　don't　understand；〃　he　said。　'Please…talk　to　me。'
　'You　know　I　can't　do　that；'　she　said；　'very　well。'　Her　back　was　still　to　him。
　'Yukio'　…　he　held　her　tighter　to　him　…　'you　must　tell　me。'
　'I　can't　do　it。　I　can't。'
　He　spun　her　around。　'Yes　you　can。　I　know　you　can。〃　He　stared　into　her　frightened　eyes；　enlarged　now　by　incipient　tears。　'Will　it　help　if　I　tell　you？'
　'Yes。　No。　I　don't　know。'　But　at　least　she　knew　what　he　meant。
　'I　love　you；'　he　said。　'I　don't　know　how　long　I've　known　it　and　not　said　it。　I　…'　Was　this　why　he　was　terrified？
　'No。　No；'　she　said。　'Don't　say　it。　Please。　I　can't　bear　it。　I　can't　bear　it。'
　'But　why　not？'
　'Because；'　she　said　fiercely；　her　face　wrenched　in　a　snarl；　'I　believe　you。〃
　He　almost　laughed　with　relief。　'And　is　that　so　bad？'
　'Don't　you　understand　yet？'　Her　face　was　so　close　to　his；　her　eyes　seemed　crossed。　'I　feel　like　I'm　going　to　die。　I'm　not　equipped　…'
　'Yes　you　are！'　He　shook　her　so　that　her　hair　flew　across　her　face　and　her　lower　lip　trembled。　'Everyone　is。　You　just　don't　know　it。'
　'I　can't　handle　it。'　Her　voice　was　almost　a　sob。　A　boat　hooted　over　their　shoulders；　the　rhythmic　rumble　of　its　diesel　reaching　them　as　a　vibration　up　their　legs　until　it　had　passed；　its　green　and　gold　stack　lost　in　the　mist。　He　could　not　even　see　as　far　back　up　the　foreshore　to　where　the　vendor　must　still　be；　hawking　his　sweet　tofu。
　'I　am　mitted　now；'　he　said；　deliberately　changing　the　subject。　'I've　said　I'd　e。'
　'You　can　always　change　your　mind。　No　one's　locked　you　into　one　decision。'　Her　voice　had　taken　on　a　pleading　edge。　But　was　it　for　him　or　for　herself？
　'My　mitment　is　to　myself；'　he　said　softly。　'I　must　find　out　what　Saigo　is　doing　in　Kumamoto。'
　'Why？　Why　is　that　so　important？　Who　cares　what　he's　doing？　Who　is　it　going　to　affect？　Neither　of　us。　Why　can't　you　just　let　it　go？　It's　such　a　small　thing。'
　'It's　not；'　he　said　despairingly。　'It's　not　a　small　thing　at　all。'　But　he　wondered　if　there　was　any　way　he　could　explain　it　to　her。　How　could　he　when　he　was　not　even　sure　he　could　explain　it　to　himself？
　'It's　e　down　to　that　fight　you　two　had　in　the　dojo；'　she　said　cannily。　'It's　like　you　have　each　other　by　the　throat　and　neither　of　you　will　let　go。　You'll　destroy　each　other　that　way；　don't　you　see？　One　of　you　has　to　let　go；　otherwise　。。。　Why　can't　it　be　you？'
　'There's　a　matter　of　honour。'　He　only　knew　it　now；　a　revelation　like　the　sun　as　it　first　slips　over　the　horizon；　beginning　to　defeat　the　long　night's　chill。
　'Oh；　don't　give　me　that　one；'　she　said　shortly。　'That　kind　of　honour　went　out　of　style　a　long　time　ago。'
　How　little　she　must　understand　of　life；　he　thought。　'For　some　of　us；　it's　never　gone　out　of　style。'
　'For　the　samurai；'　she　said　tartly。　'The　elite　of　Japan。　The　warriors　who　hurl　themselves　unhesitatingly　into　battle。　Who　live　to　die　in　bat？'　She　laughed；　a　harsh；　disforting　sound。　'Now　who　needs　a　strong　dose　of　reality？　You're　the　same；　the　two　of　you。　Two　rabid　dogs　who'll　worry　a　leg　off　before　they'll　give　up　and　let　go。'
　'Not　the　same；'　he　said。　'Not　the　same　at　all。　Saigo　hates　everything　I　stand　for。　My　mixed　blood；　my　love　of　Japan　bined　with　my　abominable　Caucasian　features。　It　rankles　him　that　someone　who　looks　the　way　I　do　should　be　better　than　him　at　anything；　especially　something　so　important　as　bujutsu。'
　'Important？　What's　so　goddamned　important　about　bujutsu？　What　has　any　of　that　to　do　with　living；　with　feeling　…'
　'You're　a　good　one　to　talk　about　that。'　Knew　it　was　the　wrong　thing　to　say　as　soon　as　it　was　out　of　his　mouth。　He　saw　the　look　on　her　face；　said；　reaching　out　for　her；　'I'm　sorry。　You　know　I　didn't　mean　…'
　'Oh；　you　meant　it；　Nicholas。　I'm　quite　certain　of　that。　And　you've　a　right　to　say　it；　I　guess。　I've　been　frightened　these　last　few　days　and　now　you　know　how　I　get　when　I'm　frightened。　You've　made　me　feel　…　something　…　I　was　sure　was　impossible　for　me。　I　still　don't　quite　…　well；　part　of　the　time　I　want　to　run　away　from　you　and　hide　and　never　see　another　human　being　for　the　rest　of　my　life。　Is　it　okay　to　trust　you？　I　keep　asking　myself。　Isn't　it　just　my　cunt　and　my　mouth　he's　after？　But　then　I　think；　he's　already　got　those　so　why　go　into　this　at　all？　It　must　be　real　even　though　every　instinct　that's　still　functioning　tells　me　it's　not。　The　past　dies　very　slowly。　I　keep　hearing　echoes　all　around　me。　When　you　talk　to　me；　say　things；　I　hear　what　you're　saying　but；　in　my　mind；　other　meanings；　hidden　and　secretive　like　invisible　hieroglyphics；　burn　themselves　into　my　brain　and　I　hear　two　different　things　and　I　begin　a　debate　as　to　which　of　those　signals　is　the　real　one；　the　one　you　mean　for　me　to　hear。'　She　looked　at　him。　'Does　any　of　this　make　any　sense　to　you？〃
　'I　think　so。'
　'I　see　it　doesn't。'　Her　eyes　were　so　bright　they　seemed　to　glitter　despite　the　lack　of　any　direct　light。　'I　suppose　I　am　trying　to　tell　you　I　love　you。'
　Her　arms　were　around　his　neck；　though　how　they　had　got　there　he　had　no　idea。　Hadn't　they　been　at　her　sides　just　a　moment　ago？　Had　there　been　any　movement　since　then？　What　was　happening？
　They　kissed　in　a　kind　of　timeless　moment　where　even　their　breath　hung　suspended；　condensed　clouds　on　a　chill　winter's　morning。
　They　took　their　bags　down　to　the　ferryboat　ticket…taker's；　a　ramshackle　wooden　building　no　larger　than　an　outhouse　with　an　arched　window　in　its　front；　glassless　and　inadequately　hooded　against　inclement　weather。　One　could　easily　freeze　to　death　within　such　a　place。
　A　young　boy　in　his　late　teens　took　the　two　rail　ticket　passes　Nicholas　handed　him；　stamped　and　punched　them　in　several　places；　handed　them　back。
　'The　next　ferry　sails　in　seven　minutes；'　he　told　them。　Even　here；　in　such　an　out…of…the…way　town；　there　was　the　typical　Japanese　concern　with　punctuality。
　Yukio　was　unnaturally　quiet　until　they　cast　off。　But　once　they　were　moving；　her　melancholy　seemed　to　slip　away。　'Perhaps　there　will　be　a　new　show　in　town；'　she　said　gaily。　'Or　a　riding　stable。　We　could　picnic　and　ride　all　afternoon。'　It　was　as　if　the　episode　on　the　near　shore　had　never　occurred。　Still；　Nicholas　was　disturbed　in　its　wake。
　Behind　them；　Shimonoseki　drifted　away　like　a　dream；　beyond　the　churning　white　wake　of　th