ericlustbader.the ninja-第110章

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　'Not　tonight；　no。'
　He　seemed　afflicted　with　a　weariness　that　went　far　beyond　a　lack　of　sleep。　It　was　as　if　all　the　endless　hours　in　the　office　and　on　the　streets　and　in　the　courtrooms　had　built　up　a　sly　accretion　impossible　to　discard　which　now　lay　heavily　upon　him　like　a　grey　and　ageless　second　skin。
　'Just　a　professional　question；'　Pear　said；　mistaking　Gelda's　silence　as　an　expression　of　annoyance；　'that's　all。　Seeing　as　how　there's…'
　'Not　tonight。'
　'I　know　I　haven't　given　you　any　notice。　That's　because　it's　the　Senator。'
　Gelda　knew　what　that　meant。　'Get　him　someone　else。'
　'G；'　Pear　said　slowly　and　patiently；　'he　wants　you。　There　is　no　one　else。　You　know　how　he　is。'
　He　stood　there　in　the　half…light　like　some　mythic　animal　e　to　life；　a　creature　someone　had　mistakenly　dressed　in　human　clothes。　He　seemed　only　partially　aware　of　her。
　'The　answer's　still　no。'　She　could　not　be　more　aware　of　him。
　'And　what　of　Dare　when　she　es　to　town　again？'　Pear　had　obviously　caught　something　in　Gelda's　tone　of　voice。
　And；　abruptly；　Gelda　knew　that　she　had　answered　the　phone
　because　he　was　here。　'No。　Even　for　Dare。　Those　days　are　gone。　I　am　out。'
　'I　see。'　There　was　no　hurt　in　Pear's　voice；　no　hint　of　recrimination。
　Gelda　felt　light…headed；　as　giddy　as　if　she　had　just　consumed　an　entire　bottle　of　Dom　Perignon。　She　also　felt　happier　than　she　ever　had　before。
　'We'll　miss　you；　G。　I'll　miss　you。'　It　was　like　Pear；　at　a　moment　like　this；　not　to　mention　the　clients。
　'I'll　never　forget　you；'　Gelda　whispered。
　A　soft　laugh。　'I　should　hope　not。　Good…bye；　G。〃
　Gelda　put　down　the　receiver；　went　over　to　Croaker。　'What　happened？'　She　put　her　arm　round　him；　walking　him　into　the　bedroom。
　In　the　warm　lamplight；　she　saw　the　dried　blood　on　his　hands。　'Won't　you　tell　me？'　she　said　in　a　voice　calmer　than　she　felt。　'You　look　so　sad。〃
　'I've　just　e　from　seeing　two　families。　A　pregnant　wife　and　a　mother　of　three　small　kids。'　He　looked　at　her　despairingly。　'Have　you　ever　had　to　tell　someone　that　the　person　she　cares　most　about　is　dead？'　He　took　a　deep　breath。　'Well；　I　have。　But　never　before　when　I　knew　those　deaths　were　my　fault。'　He　stared　at　his　brown　hands；　stained　as　if　they　had　been　dipped　in　dye；　crusty　as　if　covered　in　sea　salt。
　'Why　don't　we　start　at　the　beginning；'　she　said　softly；　taking　his　hands　in　hers；　drawing　him　forward。　〃The　blood　has　to　e　off　first。'
　I　knew　what　I　was　doing！　　I　knew　right　from　the　start　/　I　knew　where　I　was　going　/　There's　radar　in　my　heart。。。
　The　place　was　all　mirrored　chrome　and　black　smoked　glass；　multi…levelled　like　the　hanging　gardens　with　floors　of　translucent　glass　under　which　coloured　lights　flashed　in　time　to　the　music。
　The　air　vibrated　with　percussion　and　electric　voices；　strung　like　a　Christmas　tree　with　garlands　of　perfume　and　perspiration　and　burning　pot。
　I　felt　your　contact　ing　/　Your　star　was　on　my　chart　/　I　heard　your　motors　humming　/　Got　radar　in　my　heart。。。
　Somewhere　was　the　bar；　obscured　behind　a　forest　of　raised　arms；　swirling　hair；　shiny；　mindlessly　concentrating　faces。　Dance　dance　dance：　the　imperative　was　clear；　treading　an　atavistic　path；　the　primitive's　tribal　revivals；　an　ecstatic　munal　orgy；　trivialized　to　the　point　where　all　possible　consequences　were　nullified。
　The　posters　on　your　walls　mark　every　fashion's　rise　and　fall　/　Why　try　to　keep　the　past　alive/　And　though　I　know　the　time　is　almost　1984　I　It　feels　like　1965。。。
　Like　moving　through　a　dream。　All　senses　assailed　relentlessly　until　distortion　grew　like　weeds　in　the　abandoned　front　yard　of　reality。　Every　step　forward　carried　with　it　the　burden　of　two　in　retrograde。　He　thought　of　Alice　down　the　rabbit's　hole　and　wondered　if　Carroll　could　have　had　this　in　mind。　Only　Coleridge　might　have　dreamsmoked　this　up；　it　seemed　the　habitat　of　a　damaged　archangel。
　The　music　in　my　room　is　always　slightly　out　of　tune　j　My　harmony　is　up　on　trial　/　And　though　I　know　the　rhythm　you'd　prefer　me　dancing　to/I'll　turn　my　revolt　into　style。。。
　At　the　bar　there　were　leather…padded　seats　on　which　no　one　sat；　a　line　of　jackdaws　ironically　eyeing　a　busy　cornfield　in　summer。
　Nicholas　sat　and　ordered　a　drink　for　form's　sake。　He　was　not　thirsty。　He　watched　the　lame　glitter　in　the　spiralling　lights；　the　neon　shoes　with　heels　impossibly　high。　Multicoloured　eye　makeup　seemed　to　cover　half　the　faces　of　women　who　turned　towards　him　again　and　again　in　the　course　of　the　dance。　Flesh　was　entirely　incidental；　it　seemed；　arms　and　breasts　and　thighs　were　painted　like　lizard　skin。　Their　expressions　recalled　to　him　vivid　scenes　from　Metropolis。
　He　was　searching　for　Justine；　but　in　this　madhouse　it　seemed　useless：　like　running　after　Yukio　in　Kumamoto。　Doors　closing　in　his　face　as　fast　as　they　were　opened。
　Then　what　Sam　had　said　to　him　earlier　in　the　evening　began　to　seep　through　into　his　consciousness。　What　difference　did　it　make　what　he　was　now　as　long　as　he　knew　that　he　wanted　to　be；　what　he　wanted。　It　was　no　longer　1963；　part　of　another　lifetime。　But　he　knew　that　he　would　never　truly　be　free　until　he　understood　it　all。　Without　understanding；　he　knew；　assimilation　was　impossible。　The　kijin　…　the　goblins　of　his　past　…　would　be　appeased　by　nothing　less。
　'What　are　you　doing？　C'mon；　c'mon；　c'mon　and　dance。'
　She　was　a　sloe…eyed　blonde　in　a　lavender　crepe　de　chine　dress　which　showed　off　her　ample　breasts　to　maximum　effect。
　I　feel　life　a　wog　/　People　give　me　the　eyes　/　But　I　was　born　just　life　you　you　you。。。
　'Don't　you　wanna'　…　her　bird's　head　swayed　seductively　…'get　in　the　swing？　C'mon；　c'mon。'
　'No；　I　don't　think　…'
　…　life　a　wog　/　I　don't　mean　you　no　harm　/　I　just　want　to　shine　your　shoes　。。。
　'…　apricorn；　right？　You　must　be。　Dour。'　She　pronounced　it　dower。　'All　Capricorns　are　dour。　But　…'
　'I'm　not　here　to　dance；'　he　said；　feeling　foolish。　'I'm　here　to　find　someone。'
　Golly　gee　/　Golly　gosh　/　Don't　call　me　your　golliwog　。。。
　'…　do　it　together。'
　Don't　call　me；　don't　call　me；　don't　call　me/　I'll　call　you　if　I　want　you。。。
　You　don't　understand。　There　is　a　woman　here。　A　woman。'
　'So？'　She　took　his　hand；　crimson　nails　gleaming；　changing　colours；　lines　of　light　flicking。　'Let's　dance；　dance；　dance　until　we　find　her。'
　He　broke　away　from　her　grip。
　'Don't　you　want　to　have　fun？'　she　cried　after　him。
　…　made　me　feel　life；　feel　life；　feel　life　a　wog　。。。
　Went　up　to　the　second　level；　blues　and　greens　like　a　grotto　of　waving　kelp。　Synchronization　had　begun　to　set　in　and　he　felt　his　pulse　throbbing　to　the　beat　of　the　music　flailing　the　air　with　the　abandon　of　a　reaper　at　his　wheat…field。
　And；　at　last；　he　saw　her　on　the　highest　level；　partly　obscured　by　the　scaffolding　of　the　circular　staircase。　He　had　to　wait　several　minutes；　the　narrow　path　clotted　and　blocked：　dancing　up；　dancing　down。
　Disappearing　in　a　wave　of　arms　and　heads　bobbing　and　he　went　up　the　iron　stairs　two　at　a　time。　Black　leather　walls　like　a　padded　cell；　smoked　glass　far　too　fragile　for　the　height：　what　if　someone　should　stumble　in　thrall　and　fall？　What　then？
　Light　in　reds　and　yellows；　turning　white　and　grey　against　the　black　leather；　disconcerting；　like　seeing　a　colour　TV　show　on　an　ancient　set：　everything　somehow　just　slightly　out　of　phase。
　There　she　was。　With　a　tall　broad…shouldered　man　with　lank　black　hair　and　the　sallow　skin　of　a　Puerto　Rican。　He　wore　a　sleeveless　shirt　with　a　red；　blue　and　gold　Point　Beer　button；　high…waisted　deep　red　trousers。
　Didn't　I　hear　you　cry　this　morning　/　Didn't　I　feel　you　weep　/　Teardrops　flowing　down　on　me　/　Life　rivers　in　my　sleep。。。
　'Justine。'
　Her　head　whipped　round　and　light　caught　at　the　crimson　flecks　in　her　near　eye。　Watched　him　silently　until　her　partner　whirled　her　around　in　a　blur。
　？Justine。'
　'What'a'you　want；　man？　Don't　hassle　my　chick；　hey。　Keep　cool；　okay？'
　Didn't　I　hear　your　voice　this　morning　/　Didn't　you　call　my　name　/　/　heard　you　whisper　softly　/　But　the　words　were　never　plain。。。
　'Justine。　Look　at　me。'　He　reached　out。
　'Hey；　man。　Hey；　hey。　No　way　to　act。　You　ain't　listening'。　Drift　away　now。　She　don't　want　no　part　o'　you。'
　Noted　in　passing；　the　dilated　pupils；　the　reddened　nostrils。
　'Why　don't　you　go　to　the　men's　room　and　do　some　blow？'