cb.coldheart canyon-第40章
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〃A lot longer than you；〃 she replied。
〃Really？〃
〃Well； of course。 When I first met Jerry； I'd been here。。。twenty； twenty…five years。〃
This was an absurd invention of course。 Even without seeing her clearly； it was obvious she was less than thirty； probably considerably less。
〃But you said Jerry was a boy when you met him？〃 Todd said； thinking he'd quickly catch the woman in her lie。
〃He was。〃
〃So you can't have known him。。。〃
〃I know it doesn't seem very likely。 But things are different here in the Canyon。 You'll see。 If you stay； that is。 And I hope you will。〃
〃You mean buy the house？〃
〃No。 I mean stay。〃
〃Why would I do that？〃 he said。
There was a moment's pause； then； finally； she stepped into the light。 〃Because I want you to；〃 she replied。
It was a moment from a movie； timed to perfection。 The pause； the move； the line。
And the face； that was from a movie too； in its luxury； in its perfection。 Her eyes were large and luminous； green flecked with lilac。 Their brightness was enhanced by the darkness of her eyeshadow； and the thickness of her lashes。 Neither her nose nor her mouth were delicate； her lips were full； her chin robust； her cheekbones high； almost Slavic。 Her hair was black； and fell straight down； framing her face。 She wore plenty of jewelry； and it was all exquisite。 One necklace lay tightly in the valley of her throat； another…much； much looser…fell between her breasts。 Her earrings were gold； her bracelets…several on each wrist…all elaborately wrought。 Yet she carried all this effortlessly； as though she'd been wearing a queen's ransom in jewelry all her life。
〃I'm sure you could find plenty of pany besides me；〃 Todd replied。
〃I'm sure I could；〃 she replied。 〃But I don't want plenty of pany。 I want you。〃
Todd was totally bewildered now。 No part of this puzzle fitted with any other。 The woman looked so poised； so exquisite； but she spoke nonsense。 She didn't know him。 She hadn't chosen him。 He'd e up here of his own free will； to hide himself away。 Yet she seemed to insinuate that he was here at her behest； and that somehow she intended to make him stay。 It was all pure invention。
Still she didn't look crazy； anything but。 She looked； in fact； as though she'd just stepped out of her limo at the Pavilion and was about to walk down the red carpet to a roar of adulation from the crowd。 He wouldn't have minded being beside her； either； if she had been taking that walk。 They would have made quite a couple。
〃You haven't looked around the house very much；〃 she said。
〃How do you know？〃
〃Oh。。。I have eyes everywhere；〃 she teased。 〃If you'd been in some of the rooms in this house； I'd know about it； believe me。〃
〃I don't find any of this very forting；〃 he said。 〃I don't like people spying on me。〃
〃I wasn't spying；〃 she said； her tone going from pleasing to fierce in a heartbeat。
〃Well what would you call it？〃
〃I'd call it being a good hostess。 Making sure your guest is fortable。
〃I don't understand。〃
〃No；〃 she said； more softly now； 〃you don't。 But you will。 When we've had a chance to spend some time with one another you'll see what's really going on here。〃
〃And what's that？〃
She half…turned from him； as though she might leave； which was the last thing he wanted her to do。 〃You know maybe we'd be better leaving this for another night；〃 she said。
〃No；〃 he said hurriedly。 She halted； but didn't turn back。
〃I'm sorry；〃 he said。 They were rare words from his mouth。 〃Truly？〃 she said。 Still she didn't turn。 He found himself longing to feel her gaze on him； as though…absurd as this was…she might go some way to filling the void in him。
〃Please；〃 he said。 〃I'm truly sorry。〃
〃All right；〃 she said； apparently placated。 She looked back at him。 〃You're forgiven。 For now。〃
〃So tell me what I've missed。 In the house。〃
〃Oh； all that can wait。〃
〃At least give me a clue。〃
〃Have you been downstairs？ I mean all the way down to the bottom？〃
〃No。〃
〃Then don't；〃 she said； lowering her head and looking up at him with a veiled gaze。 〃I'll take you there myself。〃
〃Take me now；〃 he said； thinking it would be a good opportunity to find out how real all her claims were。 〃No； not tonight。〃
〃Why not？〃
〃It's Oscar Night。〃
〃So？〃
〃So it's got you all stirred up。 Look at you。 You think you can drink the pain away？ It doesn't work。 Everyone here's tried that at some point or other…〃
〃Everyone？〃
〃In the Canyon。 There are a lot of people here who are feeling exactly like you tonight。〃
〃And how's that？〃
〃Oh； just wishing they'd had a few prizes for their efforts。〃
〃Well they don't give Oscars to actors like me。〃
〃Why not？〃
〃I guess they don't think I'm very good。〃
〃And what do you think？〃
He mused on this for a moment。 Then he said： 〃Most of the time I'm just being me； I guess。〃
〃That's a performance；〃 Katya said。 〃People think it's easy。 But it's not。 Being yourself。。。that's hard。〃
It was strange to hear it put that way； but she was right。 It wasn't easy； playing yourself。 If you let your attention drop for a moment； there was nothing there for the camera to look at。 Nothing behind the eyes。 He'd seen it； in his own performances and in those of others： moments when the concentration lapsed for a few seconds and the unforgiving lens revealed a vast vapidity。
〃I know how it hurts；〃 she said； 〃not to be appreciated。〃
〃I get a lot of other stuff； you know。〃
〃The other stuff being money。〃
〃Yes。 And celebrity。〃
〃And half the time you think： it doesn't matter； anyway。 They're all ignoramuses at the Academy； voting for their friends。 What do you want from them？ But you're not really convinced。 In your heart you want their worthless little statues。 You want them to tell you they know how much you work to be perfect。〃
He was astonished at this。 She had articulated what he'd felt on a decade of Oscar Nights； an absurd mixture of contempt and envy。 It was as though she was reading his mind。 〃How did you figure all that out？〃
〃Because I've felt the same things。 You want them to love you； but you hate yourself for wanting it。 Their love isn't worth anything； and you know it。〃
〃But you still want it。〃
〃You still want it。〃
〃Damn。〃
〃Meaning yes？〃
〃Yes。 That's it。 You got me。〃
It felt good； for once； to be understood。 Not the usual nodding； what…ever…you…say…Mr。…Pickett bullshit； but some genuine prehension of the mess inside him。 Which made the mystery of its source all the stranger。 One minute she was telling him lies （how could she possibly have known Brahms as a child？） the next she was seeing into his soul。 〃If you really do own this house；〃 he said； 〃why don't you live in it？〃
〃Because there are too many memories here；〃 she said simply。 〃Good and bad。 I walk in here and；〃 she smiled； though the smile was thin； 〃it's filled with ghosts。〃
〃So why not move away？〃
〃Out of Coldheart Canyon？ I can't。〃
〃Are you going to tell me why？〃
〃Another time。 This is a bad time to tell that story。〃 She passed her delicate hand over her face； and for a moment； as the veil of her fingers covered her features； he saw her retreat from her beauty； as though for a moment the performance of selfhood was too much for her。 〃You ask me a question；〃 he suggested。
Her hand dropped away。 The light shone out of her face again。 〃You swear you'll answer me truthfully if I do？〃
〃Sure。〃
〃Swear。〃
〃I said so。〃
〃Does it hurt behind the bandages？〃
〃Oh。〃
〃You said you'd answer me。〃
〃I know。 And I will。 It's unfortable； I'll tell you that。 But it doesn't really hurt anymore。 Not like it used to。 I just wish I'd never messed with this。 I mean； why couldn't I be happy the way I was？〃
〃Because nobody is。 We're always looking for something we haven't got。 If we weren't； we wouldn't be human。〃
〃Is that why you came spying on me？〃 he said； matching her mischief with some of his own。 〃Looking for something you haven't got？〃
〃I'm sorry。 It was rude of me： watching you； I mean。 Spying。 You've as much right to your privacy as I have to mine。 And it's hard to protect yourself sometimes。 You don't
