cb.coldheart canyon-第23章
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Once he had the number； Todd didn't leave himself further room for hesitation。 He called Burrows； booked the consultation； and tentatively chatted over some dates for the operation。
There was one of piece outstanding business before he could move on： the disposal of Dempsey's ashes。 Despite the reassurances of Robert Louis Stevenson； Todd did not have any clear idea as to the permanence of any soul； whether animal or human。 He only knew that he wanted Dempsey's mortal remains to be placed where the dog had been most happy。 There was no doubt about where that was： the backyard of the Bel Air house； which had been； since his puppyhood； Dempsey's unchallenged territory： his stalking ground； his schoolyard when it came to learning new tricks。 And it was there； the evening before Todd put himself into the hands of Bruce Burrows； that he took the bronzed plastic urn provided by the Cremation pany out into the yard。 The urn contained a plastic bag； which in turn contained Dempsey's ashes。 There were a lot of them； but then he'd been a big dog。
Todd sat down in the middle of the yard； where he and Dempsey had so often sat and watched the sky together； and poured some of the ashes into the palm of his hand。 What part of this grey sand was his tail； he wondered； and which his snout？ Which part the place behind his ear he'd love you forever if you rubbed？ Or didn't it matter？ Was that the point about scattering ashes： that in the end they looked the same？ Not just the snout and the tail； but a dog's ashes and a man's ashes。 All reducible； with the addition of a little flame； to this mottled dust？ He put his lips to it； once； to kiss him goodbye。 In his head he could hear his mother telling him that it was a gross； unhealthy thing to do； so he kissed them again； just to spite her。 Then he stood up and cast Dempsey's ashes around； like a farmer sewing seeds。 There was no wind。 The ash fell where he threw it； evenly distributed over the mutt's dominion。
〃See you； dog；〃 he said； and went back into the house to get himself a large bourbon。
PART THREE
A DARKER TIME
ONE
For four months； in the summer of his seventeenth year； Todd had worked at the Sunset Home for the Elderly on the outskirts of Orlando； where he'd got a job through his Uncle Frank； who worked as an accountant for Sunset Homes Incorporated。 The place was little more than a repository for the nearly…dead； working there had been the most depressing experience of his young life。 Most of his duties did not involve the patients…he had no training as a nurse； nor intended to get any。 But the care of one of the older occupants； a man by the name of Duncan McFarlane； was given over to him because McFarlane was prone to unruliness when he was being bathed by the female nurses。 McFarlane was no great trouble to Todd。 He was just a sour sonofabitch who wasn't going to make anybody's life one jot easier if he could possibly avoid it。 The ritual of giving a bed…bath to his patient was Todd's particular horror； the sight of his own body awoke a profound self…disgust in the old man。 Asking around； Todd had discovered that McFarlane had been an athlete in his prime。 But now…at the age of eighty…three…there was no trace of the strength or the beauty his body had once possessed。 He was a pallid sack of shit and resentment； revolted by the sight of himself。
Look at me； he would say when Todd uncovered him； Christ； look at me； Christ； look at me。 Every time it was the same murmured horror。 Look at me； Christ； look at me。
To this day； the image of McFarlane's nakedness remained with Todd in all its grotesque particulars。 The little beard of dirty white hair that hung from the old man's scrotum； the constellation of heavy； dark warts above his left nipple； the wrinkled folds of pale； spotted flesh that hung under his arms。 Todd felt guilty about his disgust； and kept it to himself； until one day it had been the subject of discussion in the day…room； and he'd discovered that his feelings were shared； especially by the male members of the nursing staff。 The female nurses seemed to have more passion； perhaps； or were simply indifferent to the facts of creeping senility。 But the other men on the staff…there were four of them besides Todd…were afterwards constantly remarking on the foulness of their charges。 One of the quartet…a black guy from New Orleans called Austin Harper…was particularly eloquent on the subject。
〃I ain't endin' up like any o' these ol' fucks；〃 he remarked on more than one occasion； 〃I'd blow my fuckin' brains out 'fore I'd sink that fuckin' low。〃
〃It won't happen；〃 Todd had said。
〃How'd you reckon that； white boy？〃 Austin had said。 He'd patted Todd on his backside； which he took every possible opportunity to do。
〃When we're as old as these folks there'll be ways to fix it；〃 Todd replied。
〃You mean we'll live forever？ Bullshit。 I don't buy any of that science…fiction crap； boy。〃
〃I'm not saying we'll live forever。 But they'll have figured out what gives us wrinkles； and they'll have a way to smooth them out。〃
〃Will they now？ So you's goin' to be all smoothed out； is you？〃
〃I sure as hell am。〃
〃You'll still die； but you'll die all smoothed out an' pretty？〃 He tapped Todd's ass appreciatively again。
〃Will you quit doin〃 that？〃 Todd said。
〃I'll quit when you quit wavin' it in my nose。〃 Austin laughed； and slapped Todd's ass a third time； a stinging swat。
〃Anyways；〃 Todd said； 〃I don't give a shit what you think。 I'm going to die pretty。〃
The phrase had lingered。 To die pretty； that was the grand ambition。 To die pretty； and not find yourself like poor old Duncan McFarlane； looking down at his own nakedness and saying； over and over： Oh Christ； look at me。 Oh Christ； look at me。 Oh Christ。。。
Two months after Todd had left Florida to go to Los Angeles for a screen…test； he'd got a scrawled note from Austin Harper； who…given that it was more or less certain that they'd never see one another again； figured it was okay for Todd to know that if Austin had had a chance he would have plowed Todd's ass 'all the way to Key West and back'。 'And then you'd be all smoothed out； baby；〃 Harper had written。
〃Oh； and by the way；〃 he'd added； 〃That old fuck McFarlane died a week ago。 Tried to give himself a bath in the middle of the night。 Drowned himself in three inches of water。 That's what I call a damn fool thing to do。〃
〃Stay smooth； m'man。 You're going to do great。 I know it。 Just remember to thank me when they gives you an Oscar。〃
TWO
〃Kiddo？〃
Todd was floating in a blind black place； his body untethered。 He couldn't even feel it。
〃Kiddo？ Can you hear me？〃
Despite the darkness all around； it was a fortable place to be in。 There were no predators here in this no…man's…land。 There were no sharks circling； wanting ten…percent of his flesh。 Todd felt pleasantly removed from everything。 Except for that voice calling him。
〃Kiddo？ If you can hear me； move your finger。〃
It was a trick； he knew。 It was a way to get him to go back to the world where once he'd lived and breathed and been unhappy。 But he didn't want to go。 It was too brittle that place； brittle and bright。 He wanted to stay where he was； here in the darkness； floating and floating。
〃Kiddo。。。it's Donnie。〃
Donnie？
Wait； that couldn't be right。 His older brother； Donnie？ They hadn't talked in months。 Why would he be here； trying to seduce him out of his fortable hideaway？ But then； if not Donnie； then who？ Nobody else ever called him Kiddo。
Todd felt a dim murmur of anxiety。 Donnie lived in Texas； for God's sake。 What was he doing here？
〃Talk to me； Kiddo。〃
Very reluctantly； Todd forced himself to reply to the summons； though when he finally coaxed his lips to shape it the sound he made was as remote as the moon。
〃Donnie？〃
〃Well； howdy。 I must say it's good to have you back in the land of the livin'。〃 He felt a hand laid on his arm。 The sensation； like Donnie's voice； and his own； felt distant and dulled。
〃You had us a bit stirred up for a while there。〃
〃Why's。。。it。。。so dark in here？〃 Todd said。 〃Will you have someone turn on the lights？〃
〃Everything's go
