cpatricia.unnaturalexposure-第14章

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　'You　and　me　both。'
　'I've　talked　to　Lucy　about　it；'　he　said。
　Now　he　really　had　my　interest。
　'You　tell　me　when　you　want　her　here。'　He　reached　for　his　wine。
　'The　sooner　the　better。'　I　paused；　adding；　'How　is　she　doing？　I　know　what　she　tells　me；　but　I'd　like　to　hear　it　from　you。'
　I　remembered　we　needed　water；　and　got　up　for　it。　When　I　returned；　he　was　quietly　staring　at　me。　Sometimes　it　was　hard　for　me　to　look　at　his　face；　and　my　emotions　began　clashing　like　instruments　out　of　tune。　I　loved　his　chiseled　nose　with　its　clean　straight　bridge；　his　eyes；　which　could　draw　me　into　depths　I　had　never　known　and　his　mouth　with　its　sensuous　lower　lip。　I　looked　out　the　window；　and　could　not　see　the　river　anymore。
　'Lucy；'　I　reminded　him。　'How　about　a　performance　evaluation　for　her　aunt？'
　'No　one's　sorry　we　hired　her；'　he　dryly　said　of　someone　we　all　knew　was　a　genius。　'Or　maybe　that's　the　understatement　of　the　century。　She's　simply　terrific。　Most　of　the　agents　have　e　to　respect　her。　They　want　her　around。　I'm　not　saying　there　aren't　problems。　Not　everybody　appreciates　having　a　woman　on　HRT。'
　'I　continue　to　worry　that　she'll　try　to　push　it　too　far；'　I　said。
　'Well；　she's　fit　as　hell。　That's　for　sure。　No　way　I'd　take　her　on。'
　'That's　what　I　mean。　She　wants　to　keep　up　with　them；　when　it　really　isn't　possible。　You　know　how　she　is。'　I　gave　him　my　eyes　again。　'She's　always　got　to　prove　herself。　If　the　guys　are　fast…roping　and　running　through　the　mountains　wearing　sixty…pound　packs；　she　thinks　she's　got　to　keep　up；　when　she　should　just　be　content　with　her　technical　abilities；　her　robots　and　all　the　rest　of　it。'
　'You're　missing　her　biggest　motivation；　her　biggest　demon；'　he　said。
　'What？'
　'You。　She　feels　she　has　to　prove　herself　to　you；　Kay。'
　'She　has　no　reason　to　feel　that　way。'　What　he　said　was　piercing。　'I　don't　want　to　feel　I'm　the　reason　she　takes　her　life　into　her　hands　with　all　of　these　dangerous　things　she　feels　she　must　do。'
　'This　is　not　about　blame；'　he　said；　getting　up　from　the　table。　'This　is　about　human　nature。　Lucy　worships　you。　You're　the　only　decent　mother　figure　she's　ever　had。　She　wants　to　be　like　you；　and　she　feels　people　pare　her　to　you；　and　that's　a　pretty　big　act　to　follow。　She　wants　you　to　admire　her；　too；　Kay。'
　'I　do　admire　her；　for　God's　sake。'　I　got　up；　too；　and　we　began　clearing　dishes。　'Now　you　really　have　me　worried。'　He　began　rinsing；　and　I　loaded　the　dishwasher。
　'You　probably　should　worry。'　He　glanced　at　me。　'I　will　tell　you　this；　she's　one　of　these　perfectionists　who　won't　listen　to　anyone。　Other　than　you；　she's　the　most　stubborn　human　being　I've　ever　e　across。'
　'Thanks　a　lot。'
　He　smiled　and　put　his　arms　around　me；　not　caring　that　his　hands　were　wet。　'Can　we　sit　and　talk　for　a　while？'　he　said；　his　face；　his　body　close　to　mine。　'Then　I've　got　to　hit　the　road。'
　'And　after　that？'
　'I'm　going　to　talk　to　Marino　in　the　morning；　and　in　the　afternoon　I've　got　another　case　ing　in。　From　Arizona。　I　know　it's　Sunday；　but　it　can't　wait。'
　He　continued　talking　as　we　carried　our　wine　into　the　great　room。
　'A　twelve…year…old　girl　abducted　on　her　way　home　from　school；　body　dumped　in　the　Sonora　desert；'　he　said。　'We　think　this　guy's　already　killed　three　other　kids。'
　'It's　hard　to　feel　very　optimistic；　isn't　it；'　I　said　bitterly　as　we　sat　on　the　couch。　'It　never　stops。'
　'No；'　he　replied。　'And　I'm　afraid　it　never　will。　As　long　as　there　are　people　on　the　planet。　What　are　you　going　to　do　with　what's　left　of　the　weekend？'
　'Paperwork。'
　One　side　of　my　great　room　was　sliding　glass　doors；　and　beyond；　my　neighborhood　was　black　with　a　full　moon　that　looked　like　gold；　clouds　gauzy　and　drifting。
　'Why　are　you　so　angry　with　me？'　His　voice　was　gentle；　but　he　let　me　know　his　hurt。
　'I　don't　know。'　I　would　not　look　at　him。
　'You　do　know。'　He　took　my　hand　and　began　to　rub　it　with　his　thumb。　'I　love　your　hands。　They　look　like　a　pianist's；　only　stronger。　As　if　what　you　do　is　an　art。'
　'It　is；'　I　simply　said；　and　he　often　talked　about　my　hands。　'I　think　you　have　a　fetish。　As　a　profiler；　that　should　concern　you。'
　He　laughed；　kissing　knuckles；　fingers；　the　way　he　often　did。　'Believe　me；　I　have　a　fetish　for　more　than　your　hands。'
　'Benton。'　I　looked　at　him。　'I　am　angry　with　you　because　you　are　ruining　my　life。'
　He　got　very　still；　shocked。
　I　got　up　from　the　couch　and　began　to　pace。　'I　had　my　life　set　up　just　the　way　I　wanted　it；'　I　said　as　emotions　rose　to　a　crescendo。　'I　am　building　a　new　office。　Yes；　I've　been　smart　with　my　money；　made　enough　smart　investments　to　afford　this。'　I　swept　my　hand　over　my　room。　'My　own　house　that　I　designed。　For　me；　everything　was　in　its　proper　place　until　you　。　。　。'
　'Was　it？'　He　was　watching　me　intensely；　wounded　anger　in　his　voice。　'You　liked　it　better　when　I　was　married　and　we　were　always　feeling　rotten　about　it？　When　we　were　having　an　affair　and　lying　to　everyone？'
　'Of　course　I　didn't　like　that　better！'　I　exclaimed。　'I　just　liked　my　life　being　mine。'
　'Your　problem　is　you're　afraid　of　mitment。　That's　what　this　is　about。　How　many　times　do　I　have　to　point　that　out？　I　think　you　should　see　someone。　Really。　Maybe　Dr　Zenner。　You're　friends。　I　know　you　trust　her。'
　'I'm　not　the　one　who　needs　a　psychiatrist。'　I　regretted　the　words　the　instant　I　said　them。
　He　angrily　got　up；　as　if　ready　to　leave。　It　was　not　even　nine　o'clock。
　'God。　I'm　too　old　and　tired　for　this；'　I　muttered。　'Benton；　I'm　sorry。　That　wasn't　fair。　Please　sit　back　down。'
　He　didn't　at　first；　but　stood　in　front　of　sliding　glass　doors；　his　back　to　me。
　'I'm　not　trying　to　hurt　you；　Kay；'　he　said。　'I　don't　e　around　to　see　how　badly　I　can　fuck　up　your　life；　you　know。　I　admire　the　hell　out　of　everything　you　do。　I　just　wish　you'd　let　me　in　a　little　bit　more。'
　'I　know。　I'm　sorry。　Please　don't　leave。'
　Blinking　back　tears；　I　sat　down　and　stared　up　at　the　ceiling　with　its　exposed　beams　and　trowel　marks　visible　on　plaster。　Wherever　I　looked　there　were　details　that　had　e　from　me。　For　a　moment；　I　shut　my　eyes　as　tears　rolled　down　my　face。　I　did　not　wipe　them　away　and　Wesley　knew　when　not　to　touch　me。　He　knew　when　not　to　speak。　He　quietly　sat　beside　me。
　'I'm　a　middle…aged　woman　set　in　her　ways；'　I　said　as　my　voice　shook。　'I　can't　help　it。　All　I　have　is　what　I've　built。　No　children。　I　can't　stand　my　only　sister　and　she　can't　stand　me。　My　father　was　in　bed　dying　my　entire　childhood；　then　gone　when　I　was　twelve。　Mother's　impossible；　and　now　she's　dying　of　emphysema。　I　can't　be　what　you　want；　the　good　wife。　I　don't　even　know　what　the　hell　that　is。　I　only　know　how　to　be　Kay。　And　going　to　a　psychiatrist　isn't　going　to　change　a　goddamn　thing。'
　He　said　to　me；　'And　I'm　in　love　with　you　and　want　to　marry　you。　And　I　can't　seem　to　help　that；　either。'
　I　did　not　reply。
　He　added；　'And　I　thought　you　were　in　love　with　me。'
　Still；　I　could　not　speak。
　'At　least　you　used　to　be；'　he　went　on　as　pain　overwhelmed　his　voice。　'I'm　leaving。'
　He　started　to　get　up　again；　and　I　put　my　hand　on　his　arm。
　'Not　like　this。'　I　looked　at　him。　'Don't　do　this　to　me。'
　'To　you？'　He　was　incredulous。
　I　dimmed　the　lights　until　they　were　almost　out；　and　the　moon　was　a　polished　coin　against　a　clear　black　sky　scattered　with　stars。　I　got　more　wine　and　started　the　fire；　while　he　watched　everything　I　did。
　'Sit　closer　to　me；'　I　said。
　He　did；　and　I　took　his　hands　this　time。
　'Benton；　patience。　Don't　rush　me；'　I　said。　'Please。　I'm　not　like　Connie。　Like　other　people。'
　'I'm　not　asking　you　to　be；'　he　said。　'I　don't　want　you　to　be。　I'm　not　like　other　people；　either。　We　know　what　we　see。　Other　people　couldn't　possibly　understand。　I　could　never　talk　to　Connie　about　how　I　spend　my　days。　But　I　can　talk　to　you。'
　He　kissed　me　sweetly；　and　we　went　deeper；　touching　faces；　tongues　and　nimbly　undressing；　doing　what　we　once　did　best。　He　gathered　me　in　his　mouth　and　hands；　and　we　stayed　on　the　couch　until　early　morning；　as　light　from　the　moon　turned　chilled　and　thin。　After　he　drove　home；　I　carried　wine　throughout　my　house；　pacing；　wandering　with　music　on　and　flowing　out　speakers　in　every　room。　I　landed　in　my　office；　where　I　was　a　master　at　distraction。
　I　began　going　through　journals；　tearing　out　ar