cb.imajica2-第4章
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flowers everywhere； most of the petals shed and gone to rot； slickening the pavement beneath her feet as she approached the hole； obliging her to tread with care。 The suspicion grew that if this was a well； its water was poisoned with the dead。 Obituaries were scrawled on the pavement…names； dates； messages； even crude illustrations…their numbers increasing the closer to the edge she came。 Some had even been inscribed on the inner wall of the well； by mourners brave or broken…hearted enough to dare the drop。
Though the hole exercised the same fascination as a cliff edge； inviting her to peer into its depths； she refused its petitions and halted a yard or two from the lip。 There was a sickly smell out of the place； though it wasn't strong。 Either the well had not been used of late； or else its occupants lay a very long way down。
Her curiosity satisfied； she looked around to choose the best route out。 There were no less than eight exits…nine； including the well…and she went first to the avenue that lay opposite the one she'd e in by。 It was dark and smoky； and she might have taken it had there not been signs that it was blocked by rubble some way down its length。 She went to the next； and it too was blocked； fires flickering between fallen timbers。 She was going to the third door when she heard Dowd's voice。 She turned。 He was standing on the far side of the well； with his head slightly cocked and a put…upon expression on his face； like a parent who'd caught up with a truant child。
〃Didn't I tell you？〃 he said。 〃I know these streets。〃 〃I heard you。〃
〃It isn't so bad that you came here；〃 he said； wandering towards her。 〃It saves me a mite。〃
〃Why do you want to hurt me？〃 she said。 〃I might ask you the same question；〃 he said。 〃You do； don't you？ You'd love to see me hurt。 You'd be even happier if you could do the hurting personally。 Admit it！〃 〃I admit it。〃
〃There。 Don't I make a good confessor after all？ And that's just the beginning。 You've got some secrets in you I didn't even know you had。〃 He raised his hand and described a circle as he spoke。 〃I begin to see the perfection of all this。 Things ing round； ing round； back to the place where it all began。 That is： to her。 Or to you； it doesn't matter； really。 You're the same。〃
〃Twins？〃 Jude said。 〃Is that it？〃
〃Nothing so trite； lovey。 Nothing so natural。 I insulted you； calling you a shadow。 You're more miraculous than that。 You're…〃 He stopped。 〃Well； wait。 This isn't strictly fair。 Here's me telling you what I know and getting nothing from you。〃
〃I don't know anything；〃 Jude said。 〃I wish I did。〃
Dowd stooped and picked up a blossom； one of the few underfoot that was still intact。 〃But whatever Quaisoir knows you also know；〃 he said。 〃At least about how it all came apart。〃
〃How what came apart？〃
〃The Reconciliation。 You were there。 Oh； yes； I know you think you're just an innocent bystander； but there's nobody in this； nobody； who's innocent。 Not Estabrook； not Godolphin； not Gentle or his mystif。 They've all got confessions as long as their arms。〃
〃Even you？〃 she asked him。
〃Ah； well； with me it's different。〃 He sighed； sniffing at the flower。 〃I'm an actor chappie。 I fake my raptures。 I'd like to change the world； but I end up as entertainment。 Whereas all you lovers〃…he spoke the word contemptuously…〃who couldn't give a fuck about the world as long as you're feeling passionate； you're the ones who make the cities burn and the nations tumble。 You're the engines in the tragedy； and most of the time you don't even know it。 So what's an actor chappie to do； if he wants to be taken seriously？ I'll tell you。 He has to learn to fake his feelings so well he'll be allowed off the stage and into the real world。 It's taken me a lot of rehearsal to get where I am； believe me。 I started small； you know； very small。 Messenger。 Spear…carrier。 I once pimped for the Unbeheld； but it was just a one…night stand。 Then 1 was back serving lovers…〃
〃Like Oscar。〃
〃Like Oscar。〃
〃You hated him； didn't you？〃
〃No； I was simply bored； with him and his whole family。 He was so like his father； and his father's father； and so on； all the way back to crazy Joshua。 I became impatient。 I knew things would e around eventually； and I'd have my moment； but I got so tired of waiting； and once in a while I let it show。〃
〃And you plotted。〃
〃But of course。 I wanted to hurry things along； towards the moment of my 。。。 emancipation。 It was all very calculated。 But that's me； you see？ I'm an artist with the soul of an accountant。〃
〃Did you hire Pie to kill me？〃
〃Not knowingly；〃 Dowd said。 〃I set some wheels in motion； but I never imagined they'd carry us all so far。 I didn't even know the mystif was alive。 But as things went on； I began to see how inevitable all this was。 First Pie's appearance。 Then your meeting Godolphin； and your falling for each other。 It was all bound to happen。 It was what you were born to do； after all。 Do you miss him； by the way？ Tell the truth。〃
〃I've scarcely thought about him；〃 she replied； surprised by the truth of this。
〃Out of sight； out of mind； eh？ Ah； I'm so glad I can't feel love。 The misery of it。 The sheer； unadulterated misery。〃 He mused a moment； then said； 〃This is so much like the first time； you know。 Lovers yearning； worlds trembling。 Of course last time I was merely a spear…carrier。 This time I intend to be the prince。〃
〃What do you mean； I was born to fall for Godolphin？ I don't even remember being born。〃
〃I think it's time you did；〃 Dowd said； tossing away the flower as he approached her。 〃Though these rites of passage are never very easy； lovey； so brace yourself。 At least you've picked a good spot。 We can dangle our feet over the edge while we talk about how you came into the world。〃
〃Oh； no；〃 she said。 〃I'm not going near that hole。〃
〃You think I want to kill you？〃 he said。 〃I don't。 I just want you to unburden yourself of a few memories。 That's not asking too much； is it？ Be fair。 I've given you a glimpse of what's in my heart。 Now show me yours。〃 He took hold of her wrist 〃I won't take no for an answer；〃 he said； and drew her to the edge of the well。
She'd not ventured this close before； and its proximity was vertiginous。 Though she cursed him for having the strength to drag her here； she was glad he had her in a tight hold。
〃Do you want to sit？〃 he said。 She shook her head。 〃As you like；〃 he went on。 〃There's more chance of your falling； but it's your decision。 You've bee a very self…willed woman； lovey； I've noticed that。 You were malleable enough at the beginning。 That was the way you were bred to be； of course。〃
〃I wasn't bred to be anything。〃
〃How do you know？〃 he said。 〃Two minutes ago you were claiming you don't even remember the past。 How do you know what you were meant to be？ Made to be？〃 He glanced down the well。 〃The memory's in your head somewhere； lovey。 You just have to be willing to coax it out。 If Quaisoir sought some Goddess； maybe you did too； even if you don't remember it。 And if you did； then maybe you're more than Joshua's Peachplum。 Maybe you've got some place in the action I haven't accounted for。〃
〃Where would I meet Goddesses； Dowd？〃 Jude replied。 〃I've lived in the Fifth； in London； in Notting Hill Gate。 There are no Goddesses。〃
Even as she spoke she thought of Celestine； buried beneath the Tabula Rasa's tower。 Was she a sister to the deities that haunted Yzordderrex？ A transforming force； locked away by a sex that worshiped fixedness？ At the memory of the prisoner； and her cell； Jude's mind grew suddenly light； as though she'd downed a whisky on an empty stomach。 She had been touched by the miraculous； after all。 So if once； why not many times？ If now； why not in her forgotten past？
〃I've got no way back；〃 she said； protesting the difficulty of this as much for her own benefit as Dowd's。
〃It's easy；〃 he replied。 〃Just think of what it was like to be born。〃
〃I don't even remember my childhood。〃
〃You had no childhood； lovey。 You had no adolescence。 You were born just the way you are； overnight。 Quaisoir was the first Judith； and you； my sweet； are only her replica。 Perfect； maybe； but stilt a replica。〃
〃I won't。。。 I don't。。。 believe y
