cb.imajica2-第19章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
deny that。 I couldn't conceive of ever being out of love with Judith。 But I am。 When I think back to the way I felt about her； it seems ludicrous。 Now； of course； it's Oscar's turn to be obsessed by her。 First you； then me； then Oscar。 But he won't survive long。〃
〃What makes you say that？〃
〃He's got his fingers in too many pies。 It'll end in tears； you see if it doesn't。 You know about the Tabula Rasa； I suppose？〃
〃No。〃
〃Why should you？〃 Estabrook replied。 〃You were dragged into this； weren't you？ I feel guilty about that； I really do。 Not that my feeling guilty's going to do either of us much good； but I want you to know I never understood the ramifications of what I was doing。 If I had； I swear I'd have left Judith alone。〃
〃I don't think either of us would have been capable of that；〃 Gentle remarked。
〃Leaving her alone？ No； I don't suppose we would。 Our paths were already beaten for us； eh？ I'm not saying I'm a total innocent； mind you。 I'm not。 I've done some pretty wretched things in my time； things I squirm to think about。 But pared with the Tabula Rasa； or a mad bastard like Sartori； I'm not so bad。 And when I look out every morning； into God's Nowhere…〃
〃Is that what they call it？〃
〃Oh； hell； no； they're much more reverential。 That's my little nickname。 But when I look out at it； I think； Well； it's going to take us all one of these days； whoever we are： mad bastards； lovers； drunkards； it's not going to pick and choose。 We'll all go to nothing sooner or later。 And you know； maybe it's my age； but that doesn't worry me any longer。 We all have our time； and when it's over； it's over。〃
〃There must be something on the other side； Charlie；〃 Gentle said。
Estabrook shook his head。 〃That's all guff；〃 he said。 〃I've seen a lot of people get up and walk into the Erasure； praying and carrying on。 They take a few steps and they're gone。 It's like they'd never lived。〃
〃But people are healed here。 You were。〃
〃Oscar certainly made a mess of me； and I didn't die。 But I don't know whether being here had much to do with that。 Think about it。 If God really was on the other side of that wall； and He was so damn eager to heal the sick； don't you think He'd reach out a little further and stop what's going on in Yzordderrex？ Why would He put up with horrors like that； right under His nose？ No； Gentle。 I call it God's Nowhere； but that's only half…right。 God isn't there。 Maybe He was once。。。。〃
He trailed away and filled the silence with another throatful of kloupo。
〃Thank you for this；〃 Gentle said。
〃What is there to thank me for？〃
〃You've helped me to make up my mind about something。〃
〃My pleasure；〃 Estabrook said。 〃It's damn difficult to think straight； isn't it； with this bloody wind blowing all the time？ Can you find your way back to that lovely lady of yours； or shall I go with you？〃
〃I'll find my way；〃 Gentle replied。
He rapidly regretted declining Estabrook's offer； discovering after turning a few corners that one lamp…lit passageway looked much like the next； and that hot only could he not retrace his steps to Pie's bedside； he couldn't be certain of finding his way back to Estabrook either。
One route he tried brought him into a kind of chapel； where several Dearthers were kneeling facing a window that gave onto God's Nowhere。 The Erasure presented in what was now total darkness the same blank face it had by dusk； lighter than the night but shedding none upon it； its nullity more disturbing than the atrocities of Beatrix or the sealed rooms of the palace。
Turning his back on both window and worshipers； Gentle continued his search for Pie； and accident finally brought him back into what he thought was the room where the mystif lay。 The bed was empty； however。 Disoriented； he was about to go and quiz one of the other patients to confirm that he had the right room when he caught sight of Floccus' meal； or what was left of it； on the floor beside the bed： a few crusts； half a dozen well…picked bones。 There could be no doubt that this was indeed Pie's bed。 But where was the occupant？ He turned to look at the others。 They were all either asleep or atose； but he was determined to have the truth of this； and was crossing to the nearest bed； when he heard Floccus running in pursuit； calling after him。
〃There you are！ I've been looking all over for you。〃
〃Pie's bed is empty； Floccus。〃
〃I know； I know。 I went to empty my bladder…I was away two minutes； no more…and when I got back it had gone。 The mystif； not my bladder。 I thought maybe you'd e and taken it away。〃
〃Why would I do that？〃
〃Don't get angry。 There's no harm going to e to it here。 Trust me。〃
After his discussion with Estabrook； Gentle was by no means certain this was true； but he wasn't going to waste time arguing with Floccus while Pie was wandering unattended。
〃Where have you looked？〃 he asked…〃A1I around；〃
〃Can't you be a little more precise？〃
〃I got lost；〃 Floccus said； being exasperated。 〃All the tents look alike。〃
〃Did you go outside？〃
〃No； why？〃 Floccus' agitation sank from sight。 What surfaced instead was deep dismay。 〃You don't think it's gone to the Erasure？〃
〃We won't know till we look；〃 Gentle said。 〃Which way did Athanasius take me？ There was a door…〃
〃Wait！ Wait！〃 Floccus said； snatching hold of Gentle's jacket。 〃You can't just step out there。〃
〃Why not？ I'm a Maestro； aren't I？〃
〃There are ceremonies…〃
〃I don't give a shit；〃 Gentle said； and without waiting for further objections from Floccus； he headed off in what he hoped was the right direction。
Floccus followed； trotting beside Gentle； opening new arguments against what Gentle was planning with every fourth or fifth step。 The Erasure was restless tonight； he said； there was talk of ruptures in it； to wander in its vicinity when it was so volatile was dangerous； possibly suicidal； and besides； it was a desecration。 Gentle might be a Maestro； but it didn't give him the right to ignore the etiquette of what he was planning。 He was a guest； invited in on the understanding that he obey the rules。 And rules weren't written for the fun of it。 There were good reasons to keep strangers from trespassing there。 They were ignorant； and ignorance could bring disaster on everybody。
〃What's the use of rules； if nobody really understands what's going on out there？〃 Gentle said。
〃But we do！ We understand this place。 It's where God begins。〃
〃So if the Erasure kills me； you know what to write in my obituary。 'Gentle ended where God begins。' 〃
〃This isn't funny； Gentle。〃
〃Agreed。〃
〃It's life or death。〃
〃Agreed。〃
〃So why are you doing it？〃
〃Because wherever Pie is； that's where I belong。 And I would have thought even someone as half…sighted and short…witted as you would have seen that！〃
〃You mean shortsighted and halfwitted。〃
〃You said it。〃
Ahead lay the door he and Athanasius had stepped through。 It was open and unguarded。
〃I just want to say…〃 Floccus began。
〃Leave it alone； Floccus。〃
〃…it's been too short a friendship；〃 the man replied； bringing Gentle to a halt； shamed by his outburst。
〃Don't mourn me yet；〃 he said softly。
Floccus made no reply； but backed away from the open door； leaving Gentle to step through it alone。 The night outside was hushed； the wind having dropped to little more than a breeze。 He scanned the terrain； left and right。 There were worshipers in both directions； kneeling in the gloom； their heads bowed as they meditated on God's Nowhere。 Not wishing to disturb them； he moved as quietly as he could over the uneven ground； but the smaller shards of rock ahead of him skipped and rolled as he approached； as though to announce him with their rattle and clatter。 This was not the only response to his presence。 The air he exhaled； which he'd turned to killing use so many times now； darkened as it left his lips； the cloud shot through with threads of bright scarlet。 They didn't disperse； these breaths； but sank as though weighed down by their own lethality； wrapping around his torso and legs like funeral robes。 He made no attempt to shrug them off； even though their folds soon concealed the ground and slowed his step。 Nor did he have to puzzle much over their pu
