scoonts.theminotaur-第21章

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rnold　ended　the　sessions　precisely　at　ten　minutes　before　the　hour　and　the　fee　was　105　regardless。　She　sank　onto　the　couch　and　once　again　tried　to　decide　if　the　fifty　minutes　was　worth　the　cost。　Forget　the　money。　What　are　the　important　things　to　discuss　during　this　session？　She　was　trying　to　arrange　her　thoughts　when　the　door　opened　and　Dr。　Arnold　beckoned。　He　was　of　medium　height；　in　his　late　thirties；　and　wore　a　neat　brown　beard。　〃He　looks　like　Sigmund　Freud　before　he　got　old　and　twisted；〃　Jake　had　grumped　once。　Above　the　beard　this　morning　was　a　small；　thoughtful　smile。
　〃Good　morning；　Callie。〃　He　held　the　door　open　for　her。　〃Hello。〃　She　sank　into　the　stuffed　armchair　across　from　him；　the　middle　of　the　three　〃guest〃　chairs。　When　he　used　to　e　Jake　always　sat　on　her　left；　near　the　window；　while　she　always　used　this　chair。　For　a　brief　moment　she　wondered　what　Arnold　made　of　her　continued　use　of　this　chair　although　Jake　wasn't　here。
　After　a　few　preliminary　ments；　she　stated；　〃Jake　went　back　to　work　this　Monday；〃　and　paused；　waiting　for　his　reaction。　Arnold　prompted；　〃How　has　that　gone　this　week？〃
　〃He　seems　enthusiastic；　and　somewhat　relieved。　They　have　him　working　on　a　new　airplane　project　and　he　hasn't　said　much　about　it。　If　that's　what　he's　working　on。　I　think　he's　disappointed；　but　it　doesn't　show。　He's　hiding　it　well。〃　She　thought　about　it。　〃That's　unusual。　He's　always　been　stoic　at　work…his　colleagues　have　told　me　that　he　usually　shows　little　emotion　at　the　office…but　he's　never　been　like　that　at　home。　I　can　read　him　very　well。〃
　Dr。　Arnold；　Benny　to　all　his　patients；　looked　up　from　his　notes。　〃Last　weekend；　did　you　threaten　him？〃
　Callie's　head　bobbed。　〃I　suppose。〃　She　swallowed　hard　and　felt　her　eyes　tearing　up。　She　bit　her　lower　lip。　〃I　never　did　that　before。　Never　again！〃　She　moved　to　the　chair　near　the　window；　Jake's　chair；　and　looked　out。　Trees　just　budding　stood　expectantly　in　the　pale　spring　sun。　Jake　had　sat　here　all　winter　and　looked　at　the　black；　bare；　upthrusted　limbs。　And　now　spring　was　finally　here。
　She　should　never　have　said　those　things；　about　leaving　him。　She　could　never　do　it。　She　loved　him　too　much　to　even　consider　it。　But　it　was　so　hard　last　fall；　after　she　thought　him　dead　and　her　life　in　ashes。　When　she　heard　he　was　still　alive　the　euphoria　swept　her　to　heights　she　didn't　believe　possible。　The　subsequent　descent　from　rapture　to　reality　had　been　torturous。
　An　officer　from　the　CNO's　office　had　escorted　her　to　Bethesda　Naval　Hospital　the　morning　after　Jake　was　flown　back　from　Greece。　She　had　expected…thinking　about　it　now；　she　didn't　know　just　what　she　expected。　But　her　hopes　were　so　high　and　the　officer　who　drove　her　tried　gently　to　prepare　her…
　His　face　was　still　swollen　and　mottled；　his　eyes　mere　slits；　his　tongue　raw　from　where　he　had　chewed　on　it。　His　eyes…those　piercing　gray　eyes　that　had　melted　her　a　thousand　times…they　lay　unfocused　in　the　shapeless　mass　of　flesh　that　was　his　face　as　IVs　dripped　their　solution　into　his　arms。　A　severe　concussion；　the　doctor　said　gently。　Jake　had　taken　a　lot　of　Gs；　more　Gs　than　any　man　could　be　expected　to　survive。　Capillaries　had　burst　under　the　tremendous　strain。　And　he　was　grossly　dehydrated；　unable　to　take　water。　Slowly　Callie　began　to　understand。　Brain　damage。　Bleeding　in　the　frontal　lobe；　where　memory　and　personality　resided。　Oh；　she　assured　herself　a　hundred　times　that　he　would　be　the　same…that　life　would　never　play　them　a　dirty；　filthy　trick　like　that；　that　God　was　in　his　heaven；　that　the　man　who　loved　her　and　she　loved　with　all　her　soul　would　get　well　and。。。　He　had　gotten　well。　Almost…
　He's　quieter；　more　subdued；　as　if　he's　someplace　else。。。　or　thinking　of　something　he　can't　share。
　〃Do　you　think　he　has　forgotten？〃
　The　words　startled　her。　She　had　been　musing　aloud。
　〃I　don't　know。　He　says　he　can't　remember　much　about　it；　and　that's　probably　true。　But　he　stops　there　and　doesn't　say　what　he　does　remember。〃
　Arnold　nodded。　For　three　months　in　this　office　Jake　had　said　nothing　of　the　flight　that　led　to　his　injury。　〃What　of　his　decision　to　die？〃
　Callie　stared　at　the　psychologist。　〃You　think　he　made　that　decision？〃
　〃You　know　he　did。〃　Arnold's　eyes　held　her。　〃He　decided　to　ram　the　transport。　The　odds　of　surviving　such　a　collision　were　very　small。　Jake　knew　that。　He's　a　professional　military　aviator；　he　had　to　know　the　probably　oute　of　a　ramming。〃　The　doctor's　shoulders　moved　ever　so　slightly。　〃He　was　willing　to　die　to　kill　his　enemies。〃
　After　a　moment　Callie　nodded。
　〃You　must　e　to　grips　with　that。　It　was　a　profound　moment　in　his　life；　one　he　apparently　doesn't　wish　to　dwell　on　or　try　to　remember。　The　plex　human　being　that　he　is；　that's　how　he　chooses　to　live　with　it。　Now　you　must　e　to　grips　with　his　decision　and　you　must　learn　to　live　with　it。〃
　〃Don't　many　men　in　bat　e　to　that　moment？〃
　〃I　think　not。〃　Benny　tugged　at　his　beard。　〃The　literature…it's　hard　to　say。　Most　men…I　suspect…most　men　facing　a　situation　that　may　cause　their　death　who　do　go　forward　probably　do　so　without　thought。　The　situation　draws　them　onward；　the　situation　and　their　training　and　their　own　private　concept　of　manhood。　But　in　that　cockpit…Jake　evaluated　the　danger　and　saw　no　other　alternative　and　decided　to　go　forward。　Willingly。　To　accept　the　inevitable　consequences；　one　of　which　would　be　his　death。〃　He　continued　to　worry　the　strands　of　hair　on　his　chin。
　〃There's　a　verse　in　the　Bible；〃　Callie　said；　her　chin　quivering。　〃'Greater　love　has　no　man　than　this；　that　a　man　lay　down　his　life　for　his　friends。'〃
　〃Aha！　If　only　you　believed　that！〃
　〃I　do；〃　she　said；　trying　to　convince　herself；　and　turned　back　to　the　window。　Other　husbands　went　off　to　work　every　morning；　they　had　regular　jobs；　they　came　home　nights　and　weekends　and　life　was　safe　and　sane。　Of　course；　people　die　in　car　wrecks　and　you　read　about　airliner　crashes。　But　those　things　don't　happen　to　people　like　me！
　Why　couldn't　Jake　have　found　a　safe；　sane；　regular　job；　with　an　office　and　a　pany　car　and　a　nice；　predictable　future？　Damn　him；　she　had　waited　all　these　years　for　the　sword　to　drop。　Those　memorial　services　whenever　someone　was　killed…she　always　went　with　Jake　to　those。　The　widow；　the　kids；　the　condolences；　the　organ　music。　But　it　wouldn't　happen　to　Jake…oh　no！　He's　a　good　pilot；　real　good；　the　other　men　say；　too　good　to　ever　smear　himself　all　over　some　farmer's　potato　field；　too　good　to　ever　leave　her　sitting　alone　in　the　chapel　with　the　organ　wheezing　and　some　fat　preacher　spouting　platitudes　and　everyone　filing　past　and　muttering　well…meaning　nonsense。　Damn　you；　Jake。　Damn　you！
　Arnold　passed　her　a　Kleenex　and　she　used　it　on　her　eyes。　He　held　out　the　box　and　she　took　several　and　blew　her　nose。
　〃Next　week；　perhaps　we　can　talk　about　that　little　girl　you　want　to　adopt？〃
　Callie　nodded　and　tried　to　arrange　her　face。
　〃Thank　you　for　ing　today。〃　He　smiled　gravely。　She　rose　and　he　held　the　door　for　her；　then　eased　it　shut　as　she　paused　at　the　receptionist's　desk　to　write　a　check。
　He　opened　her　file　and　made　some　notes。　After　a　glance　at　his　watch；　he　picked　up　his　phone　and　dialed。　On　the　third　ring　a　man　answered。　One　word：　〃Yes。〃
　〃She　was　here　today；〃　Arnold　said　without　preliminaries。　〃He's　going　to　be　working　on　a　new　airplane　project；　she　says。〃　He　continued；　reading　from　his　notes。
　
　It　wasn't　until　the　A…6　was　taxiing　toward　the　duty　runway　for　takeoff　that　the　incongruity　of　the　whole　situation　struck　Toad　Tarkington。　The　plane　thumped　and　wheezed　and　swayed　like　a　drunken　dowager　as　it　rolled　over　the　expansion　joints　in　the　concrete。　He　had　been　so　busy　with　the　puter　and　inertial　Navigation　System　while　they　sat　in　the　chocks　that　he　had　had　no　time　to　look　around　and　bee　accustomed　to　this　new　cockpit。　Now　as　he　took　it　all　in　a　wry　grin　twisted　his　Ups　under　his　oxygen　mask。
　Rita　Moravia　sat　in　the　pilot's　seat　on　his　left　in　the　side…by…side　cockpit。　Her　seat　was　slightly　higher　than　his　and　several　inches　further　forward；　but　due　to　her　size　her　head　was　on　the　same　level　as　his。　Not　an　inch　of　her　skin　was　exposed。　Her　helmet；　green　visor　and　oxygen　mask　encased　her　head；　and　her　body　and　arms　were　sheathed　in　a　green　flight　suit；　gloves；　steel…toed