uleg.thefarthestshore-第27章

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　winter　in　a　month…long　storm　they　had　seen　waves　so　great　they　were　〃like　thunderclouds；〃　they　said；　for　they　had　not　seen　hills。　From　the　back　of　one　wave　the　next　could　be　seen；　immense；　miles　away；　rushing　hugely　toward　them。　Could　the　rafts　ride　such　seas？　he　asked；　and　they　said　yes；　but　not　always。　In　the　spring　when　they　gathered　at　the　Roads　of　Balatran　there　would　be　two　rafts　missing；　or　three；　or　six。。。
　　They　married　very　young。　Bluecrab；　the　boy　tattooed　with　his　namesake；　and　the　pretty　girl　Albatross　were　man　and　wife；　though　he　was　just　seventeen　and　she　two　years　younger；　there　were　many　such　marriages　between　the　rafts。　Many　babies　crept　and　toddled　about　the　rafts；　tied　by　long　leashes　to　the　four　posts　of　the　central　shelter；　all　crawling　into　it　in　the　heat　of　the　day　and　sleeping　in　wriggling　heaps。　The　older　children　tended　the　younger；　and　men　and　women　shared　in　all　the　work。　All　took　their　turn　at　gathering　the　great；　brown…leaved　seaweeds；　the　nilgu　of　the　Roads；　fringed　like　fern　and　eighty　or　a　hundred　feet　long。　All　worked　together　at　pounding　the　nilgu　into　cloth　and　braiding　the　coarse　fibers　for　ropes　and　nets；　at　fishing　and　drying　the　fish　and　shaping　whale…ivory　into　tools；　and　all　the　other　tasks　of　the　rafts。　But　there　was　always　time　for　swimming　and　for　talking；　and　never　a　time　by　which　a　task　must　be　finished。　There　were　no　hours：　only　whole　days；　whole　nights。　After　a　few　such　days　and　nights　it　seemed　to　Arren　that　he　had　lived　on　the　raft　for　time　uncountable；　and　Obehol　was　a　dream；　and　behind　that　were　fainter　dreams；　and　in　some　other　world　he　had　lived　on　land　and　been　a　prince　in　Enlad。
　　When　he　was　summoned　at　last　to　the　chief's　raft；　Sparrowhawk　looked　at　him　a　while　and　said；　〃You　look　like　that　Arren　whom　I　saw　in　the　Court　of　the　Fountain：　sleek　as　a　golden　seal。　It　suits　you　here；　lad。〃
　　〃Aye；　my　lord。〃
　　〃But　where　is　here？　We　have　left　places　behind　us。　We　have　sailed　off　the　maps。。。　Long　ago　I　heard　tell　of　the　RaftFolk；　but　thought　it　only　one　more　tale　of　the　South　Reach；　a　fancy　without　substance。　Yet　we　were　rescued　by　that　fancy；　and　our　lives　saved　by　a　myth〃
　　He　spoke　smilingly；　as　though　he　had　shared　in　that　timeless　ease　of　life　in　the　summer　light；　but　his　face　was　gaunt；　and　in　his　eyes　lay　an　unlighted　darkness。　Arren　saw　that　and　faced　it。
　　〃I　betrayed…〃　he　said；　and　stopped。　〃I　betrayed　your　trust　in　me。〃
　　〃How　so；　Arren？。
　　〃There…　at　Obehol。　When　for　once　you　needed　me。　You　were　hurt　and　needed　my　help。　I　did　nothing。　The　boat　drifted；　and　I　let　her　drift。　You　were　in　pain；　and　I　did　nothing　for　you。　I　saw　land…　I　saw　land；　and　did　not　even　try　to　turn　the　boat…〃
　　〃Be　still；　lad；〃　the　mage　said　with　such　firmness　that　Arren　obeyed。　And　presently；　〃Tell　me　what　you　thought　at　that　time。〃
　　〃Nothing；　my　lord…　nothing！　I　thought　there　was　no　use　in　doing　anything。　I　thought　your　wizardry　was　gone…　no；　that　it　had　never　been。　That　you　had　tricked　me。〃　The　sweat　broke　out　on　Arren's　face　and　he　had　to　force　his　voice；　but　he　went　on。　〃I　was　afraid　of　you。　I　was　afraid　of　death。　I　was　so　afraid　of　it　I　would　not　look　at　you；　because　you　might　be　dying。　I　could　think　of　nothing；　except　that　there　was…　there　was　a　way　of　not　dying　for　me；　if　I　could　find　it。　But　all　the　time　life　was　running　out；　as　if　there　was　a　great　wound　and　the　blood　running　from　it　…such　as　you　had。　But　this　was　in　everything。　And　I　did　nothing；　nothing；　but　try　to　hide　from　the　horror　of　dying。〃
　　He　stopped；　for　saying　the　truth　aloud　was　unendurable。　It　was　not　shame　that　stopped　him；　but　fear；　the　same　fear。　He　knew　now　why　this　tranquil　life　in　sea　and　sunlight　on　the　rafts　seemed　to　him　like　an　after…life　or　a　dream；　unreal。　It　was　because　he　knew　in　his　heart　that　reality　was　empty：　without　life　or　warmth　or　color　or　sound：　without　meaning。　There　were　no　heights　or　depths。　All　this　lovely　play　of　form　and　light　and　color　on　the　sea　and　in　the　eyes　of　men；　was　no　more　than　that：　a　playing　of　illusions　on　the　shallow　void。
　　They　passed；　and　there　remained　the　shapelessness　and　the　cold。　Nothing　else。
　　Sparrowhawk　was　looking　at　him；　and　he　had　looked　down　to　avoid　that　gaze。　But　there　spoke　in　Arren　unexpectedly　a　little　voice　of　courage　or　of　mockery：　it　was　arrogant　and　pitiless；　and　it　said；　〃Coward！　Coward！　Will　you　throw　even　this　away？〃
　　So　he　looked　up；　with　a　great　effort　of　his　will；　and　met　his　panion's　eyes。
　　Sparrowhawk　reached　out　and　took　his　hand　in　a　hard　grasp；　so　that　both　by　eye　and　by　flesh　they　touched。　He　said　Arren's　true　name；　which　he　had　never　spoken：　〃Lebannen。〃　Again　he　said　it：　〃Lebannen；　this　is。　And　thou　art。　There　is　no　safety；　and　there　is　no　end。　The　word　must　be　heard　in　silence；　there　must　be　darkness　to　see　the　stars。　The　dance　is　always　danced　above　the　hollow　place；　above　the　terrible　abyss。〃
　　Arren　clenched　his　hands　and　bent　his　forehead　down　till　it　pressed　against　Sparrowhawk's　hand。　〃I　failed　you；〃　he　said。　〃I　will　fail　you　again　and　fail　myself。　I　have　not　strength　enough！〃
　　〃You　have　strength　enough。〃　The　mage's　voice　was　tender；　but　beneath　tenderness　was　that　same　hardness　that　had　risen　in　the　depths　of　Arren's　own　shame；　and　mocked　him。　〃What　you　love；　you　will　love。　What　you　undertake；　you　will　plete。　You　are　a　fulfiller　of　hope；　you　are　to　be　relied　on。　But　seventeen　years　give　little　armor　against　despair。。。　Consider；　Arren。　To　refuse　death　is　to　refuse　life。〃
　　〃But　I　sought　death…　yours　and　mine！〃　Arren　lifted　his　head　and　stared　at　Sparrowhawk。　〃Like　Sopli　who　drowned　himself…〃
　　〃Sopli　was　not　seeking　death。　He　sought　to　escape　from　it　and　from　life。　He　sought　safety：　an　end　to　fear…　to　the　fear　of　death。〃
　　〃But　there　is…　there　is　a　way。　There　is　a　way　beyond　death。　Back　to　life。　To　life　beyond　death；　life　without　death。　That　is　what　they　seek。　Hare　and　Sopli；　the　ones　who　were　wizards。　That　is　what　we　seek。　You　…you　above　all　must　know…　must　know　of　that　way…〃
　　The　mage's　strong　hand　was　still　on　his。　〃I　do　not；〃　Sparrowhawk　said。　〃Aye；　I　know　what　they　think　they　seek。　But　I　know　it　to　be　a　lie。　Listen　to　me；　Arren。　You　will　die。　You　will　not　live　forever。　Nor　will　any　man　nor　any　thing。　Nothing　is　immortal。　But　only　to　us　is　it　given　to　know　that　we　must　die。　And　that　is　a　great　gift：　the　gift　of　selfhood。　For　we　have　only　what　we　know　we　must　lose；　what　we　are　willing　to　lose。。。　That　selfhood　which　is　our　torment；　and　our　treasure；　and　our　humanity；　does　not　endure。　It　changes；　it　is　gone；　a　wave　on　the　sea。　Would　you　have　the　sea　grow　still　and　the　tides　cease；　to　save　one　wave；　to　save　yourself？　Would　you　give　up　the　craft　of　your　hands；　and　the　passion　of　your　heart；　and　the　light　of　sunrise　and　sunset；　to　buy　safety　for　yourself　…　safety　forever？　That　is　what　they　seek　to　do　on　Wathort　and　Lorbanery　and　elsewhere。　That　is　the　message　that　those　who　know　how　to　hear　have　heard：　By　denying　life　you　may　deny　death　and　live　forever！　…And　this　message　I　do　not　hear；　Arren；　for　I　will　not　hear　it。　I　will　not　take　the　counsel　of　despair。　I　am　deaf；　I　am　blind。　You　are　my　guide。　You　in　your　innocence　and　your　courage；　in　your　unwisdom　and　your　loyalty；　you　are　my　guide…　the　child　I　send　before　me　into　the　dark。　It　is　your　fear；　your　pain；　I　follow。　You　have　thought　me　harsh　to　you；　Arren；　you　never　knew　how　harsh。　I　use　your　love　as　a　man　burns　a　candle；　burns　it　away；　to　light　his　steps。　And　we　must　go　on。　We　must　go　on。　We　must　go　all　the　way。　We　must　e　to　the　place　where　the　sea　runs　dry　and　joy　runs　out；　the　place　to　which　your　mortal　terror　draws　you。〃
　　〃Where　is　it；　my　lord？〃
　　〃I　do　not　know。〃
　　〃I　cannot　lead　you　there。　But　I　will　e　with　you。〃
　　The　mage's　gaze　on　him　was　somber；　unfathomable。
　　〃But　if　I　should　fail　again　and　betray　you…〃
　　〃I　will　trust　you；　son　of　Morred。〃
　　Then　both　were　silent。
　　Above　them　the　tall；　carven　idols　rocked　very　slightly　against　the　blue　southern　sky：　dolphin　bodies；　gulls'　wings　folded；　human　faces　with　staring　eyes　of　shell。
　　Sparrowhawk　got　up　stiffly；　for　he　was　still　far　from　being　fully　healed　of　his　wound。　〃I　am　tired　of　sitting　about；〃　he　said。　〃I　shall　grow　fat　in　idleness。〃　He　began　to　pace　the　length　of