pzb.drawingblood-第4章

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　hand　began　to　move。
　　He　soon　discovered　he　was　drawing　Skeletal　Sammy；　a　character　from　Daddy's　ic　book；　Birdland。　Sammy　was　all　straight　lines　and　sharp　points：　easy　to　draw。　The　half…leering；　half…desperate　face；　the　long　black　coat　that　hung　on　Sammy's　shoulders　like　a　pair　of　broken　wings；　the　spidery　hands　and　the　long　thin　legs　and　the　exaggerated　bulge　of　Sammy's　kneecaps　beneath　his　black　stovepipe　pants…all　began　to　take　shape。
　　Trevor　sat　back　and　looked　at　the　drawing。　It　was　nowhere　near　as　good　as　Daddy's　Sammy；　of　course；　the　lines　weren't　straight；　the　black　inking　was　more　like　scribbling。　But　it　was　no　circle　with　five　dots；　either。　It　was　immediately　recognizable　as　Skeletal　Sammy。
　　Daddy　recognized　it　as　soon　as　he　walked　into　the　kitchen。
　　He　leaned　over　Trevor's　shoulder　for　several　moments　looking　at　the　drawing。　One　hand　rested　lightly　on　Trev's　back；　the　other　tapped　the　table　nervously；　fingers　as　long　and　thin　as　Sammy's；　faint　lavender　veins　visible　beneath　the　pale　skin；　silver　wedding　ring　too　loose　on　the　third　finger。　For　a　moment　Trevor　feared　Daddy　might　snatch　the　drawing；　the　whole　sketchbook；　he　felt　as　if　he　had　been　caught　doing　something　wrong。
　　But　Daddy　only　kissed　the　top　of　Trevor's　head。　〃You　draw　a　mean　junkie；　kiddo；〃　he　whispered　into　Trevor's　ginger　hair。　And　he　was　gone　from　the　kitchen　silently；　like　a　ghost；　without　getting　the　beer　or　glass　of　water　or　whatever　he　had　e　for；　leaving　his　elder　son　half　elated　and　half　dreadfully；　mysteriously　ashamed。
　　The　carefully　drawn　fingers　of　Sammy's　left　hand　were　blurring。　A　drop　of　moisture　on　the　page；　making　the　ink　bleed　and　furl。　Trevor　touched　the　wetness；　then　put　his　finger　to　his　lips。　Salty。　A　tear。
　　Daddy's；　or　his　own？
　　
　　The　worst　thing　happened　the　following　week。　It　turned　out　Daddy　had　been　drawing　in　his　cramped　little　studio。　Had　finally　finished　a　story；　only　a　page　long；　and　sent　it　off　to　one　of　his　papers。　Trevor　couldn't　remember　if　it　was　the　Barb　or　the　Freep　or　maybe　one　of　the　others…he　got　them　mixed　up　sometimes。
　　The　paper　rejected　the　story。　Daddy　read　the　letter　aloud　in　a　hollow；　mocking　voice。　It　had　been　a　difficult　decision；　the　editor　said；　considering　his　reputation　and　the　selling　power　of　his　name。　However；　he　simply　didn't　feel　the　story　approached　the　quality　of　Daddy's　previous　work；　and　he　thought　publishing　it　would　be　bad　both　for　the　paper　and　for　Daddy's　career。
　　It　was　the　kindest　way　the　editor　could　find　to　say　This　ic　is　a　piece　of　shit。
　　The　next　day；　Daddy　walked　into　town　and　called　the　publisher　of　Birdland。　The　stories　for　the　fourth　issue　were　already　nearly　a　year　overdue。　Daddy　told　the　publisher　there　would　be　no　more　stories；　not　now；　not　ever。　Then　he　hung　up　the　pay　phone　and　walked　a　mile　across　town　to　the　liquor　store。　By　the　time　he　got　home；　he　had　already　cracked　the　seal　on　a　gallon　jug　of　bourbon。
　　Momma　had　begun　staying　later　and　later　in　the　city　after　her　modeling　jobs…having　drinks　with　some　of　the　other　models　one　night；　going　to　someone's　apartment　to　get　stoned　the　next。　Daddy　didn't　like　that；　had　even　refused　to　smoke　the　joint　she　brought　him　as　a　present　from　her　friends。　She　said　they　wanted　to　meet　him　and　the　kids；　but　Daddy　told　her　not　to　invite　them　out。
　　Trevor　had　gone　into　Raleigh　with　Momma　one　day。　He　brought　his　sketchbook　and　sat　in　a　corner　of　the　big　airy　studio　that　smelled　of　paint　thinner　and　charcoal　dust。　Momma　stood　gracefully　naked　on　a　wooden　podium　at　the　front　of　the　room；　joking　with　the　students　when　she　took　her　breaks。　Some　of　them　laughed　at　him；　bent　over　his　sketchbook　so　quiet　and　serious。　Their　laughter　faltered　when　they　saw　the　likenesses　he　had　produced　of　them　during　the　class　period：　the　stringy…haired　girl　whose　granny　glasses　pinched　her　beaky　nose　like　some　torture　device　made　of　wire；　the　droopy…eyed　boy　whose　patchy　beard　grew　straight　down　into　the　collar　of　his　black　turtleneck　because　he　had　no　chin。
　　But　on　this　day　Trevor　had　stayed　home。　Daddy　sat　in　the　living　room　all　evening；　sprawled　in　a　threadbare　recliner　that　had　e　with　the　house；　his　feet　tapping　out　a　meaningless　tattoo　on　the　warped　floorboards。　He　had　the　turntable　hooked　up　and　kept　playing　record　after　record；　anything　that　his　hand　fell　upon；　Sarah　Vaughan；　Country　Joe　and　the　Fish；　frenetic　band　music　from　the　twenties　that　sounded　like　something　skeletons　might　jitterbug　to…it　all　ran　together　in　one　long　musical　cry　of　pain。　Most　of　all　Trevor　remembered　Daddy　searching　obsessively　for　a　set　of　Charlie　Parker　records：　Bird　with　Miles；　Bird　on　Fifty…second　Street；　Bird　at　Birdland。　He　found　them；　slammed　one　onto　the　turntable。　The　saxophone　spiraled　through　the　old　house；　found　the　cracks　in　the　walls　and　spun　out　into　the　night；　an　exalted　sound；　terribly　sad　but　somehow　free。　Free　as　a　bird　in　Birdland。
　　Daddy　hefted　the　bottle　and　chugged　bourbon　straight　from　it。　A　moment　later　he　let　out　a　long；　wet；　rippling　belch。　Trevor　got　up　from　the　corner　where　he'd　been　sitting；　keeping　an　eye　out　for　Momma's　headlights；　and　started　to　leave　the　room。　He　didn't　want　to　see　Daddy　get　sick。　He'd　seen　it　before　and　it　had　nearly　made　him　sick　too；　not　even　so　much　the　sight　of　the　thin；　stringy　whiskey…vomit　as　that　of　his　father's　helplessness　and　shame。
　　His　foot　struck　a　loose　piece　of　wood　and　sent　it　skittering　across　the　floor。　Daddy　had　been　doing　repairs　around　the　house　a　few　days　earlier；　nailing　down　a　board　that　had　begun　to　curl　away　from　the　wall。　Long　silver　nails　and　a　hammer　were　still　scattered　around　the　hall　doorway。　Trevor　began　to　gather　up　the　nails；　thinking　Didi　might　step　on　one；　then　stopped。　Didi　was　smart　enough　not　to　go　around　the　house　barefoot；　with　all　the　splinters　in　the　floorboards。　Maybe　Daddy　would　need　the　nails。　Maybe　he　would　still　finish　the　repairs。
　　At　the　sound　of　the　nails　chinking　together；　Daddy　looked　up　from　his　bottle。　His　eyes　focused　on　Trevor；　pinned　him　to　the　spot　where　he　stood。　〃Trev。　What're　you　doin'？〃
　　〃Going　to　bed。〃
　　〃Thass　good。　I'll　fixyer　juice。〃　Momma　usually　gave　the　boys　fruit　juice　to　take　to　bed　with　them；　when　there　was　any　in　the　house。　Daddy　got　up　and　stumbled　past　Trevor　into　the　kitchen；　slapping　one　hand　against　the　door　frame　to　support　himself。　Trevor　heard　the　refrigerator　opening；　bottles　rattling。　Daddy　came　back　in　and　handed　him　a　glass　of　grapefruit　juice。　A　few　drops　sloshed　over　the　side；　trickled　over　Trevor's　fingers。　He　put　his　hand　to　his　mouth　and　licked　them　away。　Grapefruit　was　his　favorite；　because　of　the　interestingly　sour；　almost　salty　taste。　But　there　was　an　extra　bitterness　to　this　juice；　as　if　it　had　begun　to　spoil　in　the　bottle。
　　He　must　have　made　a　face；　because　Daddy　kept　staring　at　him。　〃Something　wrong？〃
　　Trevor　shook　his　head。
　　〃You　gonna　drink　that　or　not？〃
　　He　raised　the　glass　to　his　lips　and　drank　half　of　it；　took　a　deep　breath；　and　finished　it　off。　The　bitter　taste　shivered　over　his　tongue；　lingered　in　the　back　of　his　throat。
　　〃There　you　go。〃　Daddy　reached　out；　pulled　Trevor　into　his　embrace。　Daddy　smelled　of　stinging　liquor　and　old　sweat　and　dirty　clothes。　Trevor　hugged　back　anyway。　As　the　side　of　his　head　pressed　against　Daddy's；　a　panicky　terror　flooded　through　him；　though　he　didn't　know　why。　He　clutched　at　Daddy's　shoulders；　tried　to　wrap　his　arms　around　Daddy's　neck。
　　But　after　a　moment；　Daddy　pried　him　off　and　gently　pushed　him　away。
　　Trevor　went　down　the　hall；　glancing　into　Didi's　dark　bedroom。　Sometimes　Didi　got　scared　at　night；　but　now　he　was　fast　asleep　despite　the　punishing　volume　Of　the　music；　his　face　burrowed　into　his　pillow；　the　faint　light　from　the　hallway　casting　a　halo　on　his　pale　hair。　Back　in　Austin　the　brothers　had　shared　a　room；　this　was　the　first　time　they　had　slept　apart。　Trevor　missed　waking　up　to　the　soft　sound　of　Didi's　breathing；　to　the　scent　of　talcum　powder　and　candy　when　Didi　crawled　in　bed　with　him。　For　a　moment　he　thought　he　might　sleep　with　Didi　tonight；　might　wrap　his　arms　around　his　brother　and　not　have　to　fall　asleep　alone。
　　But　he　didn't　want　to　wake　Didi。　Daddy　was　being　too　scary。　Instead　T