anner.bloodandgold-第91章
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ng I struggled with it I do not know； only that it was the Mind Gift which finally unfastened it； not the strength of my burnt hands。
At last I crept down the stairs to the dark quiet of the golden room。
It seemed a miracle when at last I lay beside my coffin。 I was too exhausted to move further； and with every breath I felt pain。
The sight of my burnt arms and legs was stultifying。 And when I reached to feel my hair； I realized that most of it was gone。 I felt my ribs beneath the thickened black flesh of my chest。 I needed no mirror to tell me that I had bee a horror； that my face was gone。
But what grieved me far worse was that when I leant against my coffin and listened； I could hear the boys wailing； wailing as a ship took them to some distant port； and I could hear Amadeo pleading with his captors for some kind of reason。 But no reason came。 Only the chants of the Satan worshipers were sung to my poor children。 And I knew these Satan worshipers were taking my children South to Rome； South to Santino； whom I had foolishly condemned and dismissed。
Amadeo was once more a prisoner； once more a captive of those who would use him for their evil ends。 Amadeo had once more been stolen from a way of life to be taken to another inexplicable place。
Oh； how I hated myself that I had not destroyed Santino！ Why had I ever suffered him to live！
And even now； as I tell you this story； I despise him！ Oh； how heartily and eternally I despise him because he destroyed； in the name of Satan； all that I held precious； because he took my Amadeo away from me； because he took those whom I protected； because he burnt the palazzo which contained the fruits of my dreams。
Yes； I repeat myself； don't I？ You must forgive me。 Surely you must understand the pure arrogance and utter cruelty of what Santino did to me。 Surely you must understand the pure destructive force with which he changed the course of Amadeo's journey。。。。
And I knew that this journey would be changed。
I knew it as I lay against the side of my coffin。 I knew it because I was too weak to recover my pupil； too weak to save the wretchedmortal boys who would suffer some unspeakable cruelties； too weak even to hunt for myself。
And if I could not hunt； how would I gain the blood to heal？
I lay back on the floor of the room and I tried to quell the pain in my burnt flesh。 I tried only to think and to breathe。
I could hear Bianca。 Bianca had survived； Bianca was alive。
Indeed； Bianca had brought others to save our house； but it was far beyond saving。 And once again； as in war and pillage； I had lost the beautiful things I cherished； I had lost my books； I had lost my writings；
such as they were。
How many hours I lay there I don't know； but when I rose to take the lid from my coffin I found that I still could not stand。 Indeed； I could not remove the lid with my burnt arms。 Only with the Mind Gift could I push it and then not very fan
I settled back down on the floor。
I was too full of pain to move again for a long tinie。
Could I hope to travel over the miles to reach the Divine Parents？ I didn't know。 And I couldn't risk leaving this chamber to find out。
Nevertheless I pictured Those Who Must Be Kept。 I prayed to them。 Deeply； vividly I envisioned Akasha。
〃Help me； my Queen；〃 I whispered aloud。 〃Help me。 Guide me。 Remember when you spoke to me in Egypt。 Remember。 Speak to me now。 I have never suffered before as I am。 suffering now。〃
And then an old taunt came back to me； a taunt as old as prayers themselves。
〃Who will tend your shrine if I am not restored？〃 I demanded。 I trembled in my misery。 〃Beloved Akasha；〃 I whispered。 〃Who will worship you if I am destroyed？ Help me； guide me； for some night in these passing centuries you may have need of rne！ Who has cared for you for so long！〃
But what good is it ever to taunt the gods and the goddesses？
I sent out the Mind Gift with all its strength to the snowy Alps in which I had built and concealed the chapel。
〃My Queen； tell me how I may e to you？ Could something as dreadful as this draw you from your solitude； or do I ask too much？ I dream of miracles but I cannot imagine them。 I pray for mercy； yet I cannot envision how it would e about。〃
I knew it was vain； if not blasphemy； to beg her to rise from her throne for me。 But was she so powerful that she could give some
miraculous strength over the miles？
〃How will I return to you？〃 I prayed。 〃How will I ever fulfill again my duties if I am not healed？〃
The silence of the golden room answered。 It was as cold as the shrine in the mountains。 I imagined I could feel the snow of the Alps on my burnt flesh。
But slowly the horror gunk in。
I think I gave a soft； sad little laugh。
〃I can't reach you；〃 I said； 〃not without assistance； and how can I obtain that assistance unless I forsake the secret of what I am？ Unless I forsake the secret of the Chapel of Those Who Must Be Kept？〃
At last I climbed to my knees and struggled up the stone stairs very slowly； and painfully； I managed to stand； and with the Mind Gift； fasten the bronze door。
Safety； that was important； very important。 I must survive this； I thought。 I must not despair。
Then collapsing again and crawling down the stairs to the golden chamber； in the manner of something loathsome and lurid； I pushed doggedly against the lid of my coffin until it was open sufficiently for me to go to my rest。
Never had I known such injury； never had I known such pain。
A monstrous humiliation was mingled with the torture。 Oh； there was so much I had not known about existence； so much I had not understood about life。
Soon the cries of the boys were gone from my ears； no matter how keenly I listened。 The boat had carried them over the waters。
But I could still hear Bianca。
Bianca wept。
In misery and pain； my mind searched Venice。
〃Raymond Gallant； member of the Talaniasca；〃 I whispered； 〃I need you now。 Raymond Gallant； pray you haven't left Venice。 Raymond
Gallant of the Talamasca； please hear my prayers。〃
I could find no trace of him； but who knew what had happened to my powers？ Perhaps all had dwindled。 I could not even remember clearly his room or where it had been。
But why did I hope to find him？ Had I not told him to leave the Veneto？ Had I not impressed upon him that he must leave？ Of course he had done as I had told him to do。 No doubt he was miles beyond the point where he might hear my call。
Nevertheless I continued to say his name over and over as if it were a prayer。
〃Raymond Gallant of the Talamasca； I need you。 I need you now。〃
Finally； the approaching dawn brought a frigid relief to me。 The roaring pain subsided slowly and my dreams began as they will do if I sleep before the rise of the sun。
In rny dreams； I saw Bianca。 She had her servants about her； and they forted her； and she said：
〃They are dead； both of them； I know it。 They have died in the fire。〃
''No； my sweet one；〃 I said。 With all the power of the Mind Gift I called to her：
Bianca； Amadeo is gone； but I live。 Do not fear me when you set eyes upon me； for I am badly burnt。 But I live。
In the eyes of the others； I saw a mirror of her as she stopped and turned away from them。 I saw her rise from her chair and move towards the window。 I saw her open it arid peer out into the dampness at the approaching light。
Tonight； when the sun sets； I will call to you。 Bianca。 I am a monster now in my own eyes and will be a monster in yours。 But I will endure this
suffering。 I will call to you。 Don't be afraid。
〃Marius；〃 she said。 The mortals who gathered around her heard her speak my name。
But the sleep of the morning had e over me。 I couldn't resist it。 The pain was at last gone。
25
wHEN I AWOKE the pain was excruciating。 I lay for an hour or more without moving。 I listened to the voices of Venice。 I listened to the movement of the waters beneath my house and all around it； and through the canals and into the sea。
I listened for Santino's miscreants； in quiet
