srdonaldson.thepowerthatpreserves-第75章

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　impossible　ideas　of　trying　to　make　restitution　for　what　I've　done。　I've　got　to　give　up　guilt　and　duty；　or　whatever　it　is　I'm　calling　responsibility　these　days。　I've　got　to　give　up　trying　to　make　myself　innocent　again。　It　can't　be　done。　It's　suicide　to　try。　And　suicide　for　me　is　the　only　absolute；　perfect　way　Foul　can　win。　Without　it；　he　doesn't　get　the　wild　magic；　and　it's　just　possible　that　somewhere；　somehow；　he'll　run　into　something　that　can　beat　him。
　　　　〃So　I'm　not　going…I　am　not　going　to　Foul's　Creche。　I'm　going　to　do　something　simple　and　selfish　and　practical　and　cautious　instead。　I'm　going　to　take　care　of　myself　as　a　leper　should。　I'll　go　into　the　Plains…I'll　find　the　Ramen。　They'll　take　me　with　them。　The　Ranyhyn…the　Ranyhyn　are　probably　going　south　already　to　hide　in　the　mountains。　The　Ramen　will　take　me　with　them。　Mhoram　doesn't　know　I'm　here；　so　he　won't　be　expecting　anything　from　me。
　　　　〃Please　understand；　Triock。　My　grief　for　you　is…it'll　never　end。　I　loved　Elena；　and　I　love　the　Land。　But　if　I　can　just　keep　myself　alive　the　way　I　should…Foul　can't　win。　He　can't　win。〃
　　　　Triock　met　this　speech　queerly　across　the　distance　between　them。　His　anger　seemed　to　fade；　but　it　was　not　replaced　by　understanding。　Instead；　a　mixture　of　cunning　and　desperation　gained　the　upper　hand　on　his　desire　to　flee；　so　that　his　voice　held　a　half…hysterical　note　of　cajolery　as　he　said；　〃e；　Unbeliever…do　not　take　this　choice　hastily。　Let　us　speak　of　it　calmly。　Let　me　urge〃…he　looked　around　as　if　in　search　of　assistance；　then　went　on　hurriedly…〃you　are　hungry　and　worn。　That　Forest　has　exacted　a　harsh　penance…I　see　it。　Let　us　rest　here　for　a　time。　We　are　in　no　danger。　I　will　build　a　fire…prepare　food　for　you。　We　will　talk　of　this　choice　while　it　may　still　be　altered。〃
　　　　Why？　Covenant　wanted　to　ask。　Why　have　you　changed　like　this？　But　he　already　knew　too　many　explanations。　And　Triock　bustled　away　promptly　in　search　of　firewood　as　if　to　forestall　any　questions。　The　land　on　this　side　of　the　Roamsedge　had　been　wooded　at　one　time；　and　before　long　he　had　collected　a　large　pile　of　dead　brush　and　bushes；　which　he　placed　in　the　shelter　of　a　hill　a　short　distance　from　the　Ford。　All　the　time；　he　kept　his　face　averted　from　Covenant。
　　　　When　he　was　satisfied　with　his　quantity　of　wood；　he　stooped　in　front　of　the　pile　with　his　hands　hidden　as　if　for　some　obscure　reason　he　did　not　want　Covenant　to　see　how　he　started　the　fire。　As　soon　as　flames　had　begun　to　spread　through　the　brush；　he　positioned　himself　on　the　far　side　of　the　fire　and　urged　Covenant　to　approach　its　warmth。
　　　　Covenant　acquiesced　gladly　enough。　His　robe　could　not　keep　the　cold　out　of　his　hands　and　feet；　he　could　hardly　refuse　a　fire。　And　he　could　hardly　refuse　Triock's　desire　to　discuss　his　decision。　His　debt　to　Triock　was　large…not　easily　borne。　He　sat　down　within　the　radiant　balm　of　the　fire　opposite　Triock　and　silently　watched　him　prepare　a　meal。
　　　　As　he　worked；　Triock　mumbled　to　himself　in　a　tone　that　made　Covenant　feel　oddly　unfortable。　His　movements　seemed　awkward；　as　if　he　were　trying　to　conceal　arcane　gestures　while　he　handled　the　food。　He　avoided　Covenant's　gaze；　but　whenever　Covenant　looked　away；　he　could　feel　Triock's　eyes　flick　furtively　over　him　and　flinch　away。　He　was　startled　when　Triock　said　abruptly；　〃So　you　have　given　up　hate。〃
　　　　〃Given　up…？〃　He　had　not　thought　of　the　matter　in　those　terms　before。　〃Maybe　I　have。　It　doesn't　seem　like　a　very　good　answer。　I　mean；　aside　from　the　fact　that　there's　no　room　for　it　in…in　the　law　of　leprosy。
　　　　Hate；　humiliation；　revenge…I　make　a　mistake　every　time　I　let　them　touch　me。　I　risk　my　life。　And　love；　too；　if　you　want　to　know　the　truth。　But　aside　from　that。　It　doesn't　seem　that　I　could　beat　Foul　that　way。　I'm　just　a　man。　I　can't　hate…forever…as　he　can。　And〃…he　forced　himself　to　articulate　a　new　perception…〃my　hate　isn't　pure。　It's　corrupt　because　part　of　me　always　hates　me　instead　of　him。　Always。〃
　　　　Triock　placed　a　stoneware　pot　of　stew　in　the　fire　to　cook　and　said　in　a　tone　of　eerie　conviction；　〃It　is　the　only　answer。　Look　about　you。　Health；　love；　duty…none　suffice　against　this　winter。　Only　those　who　hate　are　immortal。〃
　　　　〃Immortal？〃
　　　　〃Certainly。　Death　claims　all　else　in　the　end。　How　else　do　the　Despiser　and…and　his''…he　said　the　name　as　if　it　dismayed　him…〃Ravers　endure？　They　hate。〃　In　his　hoarse；　barking　tone；　the　word　took　on　a　wide　range　of　passion　and　violence；　as　if　indeed　it　were　the　one　word　of　truth　and　transcendence。
　　　　The　savor　of　the　stew　began　to　reach　Covenant。　He　found　that　he　was　hungry…and　that　his　inner　quiescence　covered　even　Triock's　queer　asseverations。　He　stretched　out　his　legs；　reclined　on　one　elbow。　〃Hate；〃　he　sighed　softly；　reducing　the　word　to　manageable　dimensions。　〃Is　that　it；　Triock？　I　think…I　think　I've　spent　this　whole　thing…dream；　delusion；　fact；　whatever　you　want　to　call　it…I've　spent　it　all　looking　for　a　good　answer　to　death。　Resistance；　rape…ridicule…love…hate？　Is　that　it？　Is　that　your　answer？〃
　　　　〃Do　not　mistake　me；〃　Triock　replied。　〃I　do　not　hate　death。〃
　　　　Covenant　gazed　into　the　dance　of　the　fire　for　a　moment　and　let　the　aroma　of　the　stew　remind　him　of　deep；　sure；　empty　peace。　Then　he　said　as　if　he　were　pleting　a　litany；　〃What　do　you　hate？〃
　　　　〃I　hate　life。〃
　　　　Brusquely；　Triock　spooned　stew　into　bowls。　When　he　handed　a　bowl　around　the　fire　to　Covenant；　his　hand　shook。　But　as　soon　as　he　had　returned　to　his　hooded　covert　beyond　the　flames；　he　snapped　angrily；　〃Do　you　think　I　am　unjustified？　You；　Unbeliever？〃
　　　　No。　No。　Covenant　could　not　lift　up　his　head　against　the　accusation　in　Triock's　voice。　Hate　me　as　much　as　you　need　to；　he　breathed　into　the　crackling　of　the　fire　and　the　steaming　stew。　I　don't　want　anyone　else　to　sacrifice　himself　for　me。　Without　looking　up；　he　began　to　eat。
　　　　The　taste　of　the　stew　was　not　unpleasant；　but　it　had　a　disconcerting　under…flavor　which　made　it　difficult　to　swallow。　Yet　once　a　mouthful　had　passed　his　throat；　he　found　it　warm　and　reassuring。　Slowly；　drowsiness　spread　outward　from　it。　After　a　few　moments；　he　was　vaguely　surprised　to　see　that　he　had　emptied　the　bowl。
　　　　He　put　it　aside　and　lay　down　on　his　back。　Now　the　fire　seemed　to　grow　higher　and　hotter；　so　that　he　only　caught　glimpses　of　Triock　watching　him　keenly　through　the　weaving　spring　and　crackle　of　the　flames。　He　was　beginning　to　rest　when　he　heard　Triock　say　through　the　fiery　veil；　〃Unbeliever；　why　do　you　not　resume　your　journey　to　Foul's　Creche？　Surely　you　do　not　believe　that　the　Despiser　will　permit　your　flight…after　he　has　striven　so　to　bring　about　this　confrontation　of　which　you　speak。〃
　　　　〃He　won't　want　me　to　get　away；〃　Covenant　replied　emptily；　surely。　〃But　I　think　he's　too　busy　doing　other　things　to　stop　me。　And　if　I　can　slip　through　his　fingers　just　once；　he'll　let　me　go…at　least　for　a　while。　I've…I've　already　done　so　much　for　him。　The　only　thing　he　still　wants　from　me　is　the　ring。　If　I　don't　threaten　him　with　it；　he'll　let　me　go　while　he　fights　the　Lords。　And　then　he'll　be　too　late。　I'll　be　gone　as　far　as　the　Ranyhyn　can　take　me。〃
　　　　〃But　what　of　this…this　Creator''…Triock　spat　the　word…〃who　they　say　also　chose　you。　Has　he　no　hold　upon　you？〃
　　　　Sleepiness　only　strengthened　Covenant's　confidence。　〃I　don't　owe　him　anything。　He　chose　me　for　this…I　didn't　choose　it　or　him。　If　he　doesn't　like　what　I　do；　let　him　find　someone　else。〃
　　　　〃But　what　of　the　people　who　have　died　and　suffered　for　you？〃　Triock's　anger　returned；　and　he　ripped　the　words　as　if　they　were　illustrations　of　meaning　which　he　tore　from　the　walls　of　a　secret　Hall　of　Gifts　deep　within　him。　〃How　will　you　supply　the　significance　they　have　earned　from　you？　They　have　lost　themselves　in　bootless　death　if　you　flee。〃
　　　　I　know；　Covenant　sighed　to　the　sharp　flames　and　the　wind。　We're　all　futile；　alive　or　dead。　He　made　an　effort　to　speak　clearly　through　his　ing　sleep。　〃What　kind　of　significance　will　it　give　them　if　I　mit　suicide？　They　won't　thank　me　for　throwing　away…something　that　cost　them　so　much。　While　I'm　alive〃…he　lost　the　thought；　then　recovered　it…〃while　I'm　alive；　the　Land　is　still　alive。〃
　　　　〃Because　it　is　your　dream！〃
　　　　Yes。　For　that　reason　among　others。
　　　　Co