srdonaldson.thepowerthatpreserves-第43章

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　　　　She　gasped　at　his　words　as　if　he　had　stabbed　her　with　them。　Her　gaze　fell　away　from　his　face。　Panting；　she　murmured；　〃Again！　I　cannot_　cannot…　Oh；　Atiaran　my　mother！　I　love　him。　I　have　given　my　life　without　regret。　When　I　was　young；　I　ached　to　follow　you　to　the　Loresraat　to　succeed　so　boldly　that　you　could　say；　'There　is　the　meaning　of　my　life；　there　in　my　daughter。'　I　ached　to　marry　a　Lord。　But　I　have　given…〃
　　　　Abruptly；　she　caught　the　front　of　Covenant's　jacket　in　both　hands；　pulled　herself　close　to　him；　thrust　her　gaze　urgently　at　his　face。　〃Thomas　Covenant；　will　you　marry　me？〃
　　　　Covenant　gaped　at　her　in　horror。
　　　　The　excitement　of　the　idea　carried　her　on　in　a　rush。　〃Let　us　marry！　Oh；　dearest　one；　that　would　restore　me。　I　could　bear　any　burden。　We　do　not　need　the　permission　of　the　elders…I　have　spoken　to　them　many　times　of　my　desires。　I　know　the　rites；　the　solemn　promises…I　can　teach　you。　And　the　Giant　can　witness　the　sharing　of　our　lives。〃　Before　Covenant　could　gain　any　control　over　his　face；　she　was　pleading　with　him。　〃Oh；　Unbeliever！　I　have　borne　your　daughter。　I　have　ridden　the　Ranyhyn　that　you　sent　to　me。　I　have　waited…！　Surely　I　have　shown　the　depth　of　my　love　for　you。　Beloved；　marry　me。　Do　not　refuse。〃
　　　　Her　appeal　made　him　cringe；　made　him　feel　grotesque　and　unclean。　In　his　pain；　he　wanted　to　turn　his　back　on　her；　push　her　from　him　and　walk　away。　Part　of　him　was　already　shouting；　You're　crazy；　old　woman！　It's　your　daughter　I　love！　But　he　restrained　himself。　With　his　shoulders　hunched　like　a　strangler's　to　choke　the　violence　of　his　responses；　he　gripped　Lena's　wrists　and　pulled　her　hands　from　his　jacket。　He　held　them　up　so　that　his　fingers　were　directly　in　front　of　her　face。　〃Look　at　my　hands；〃　he　rasped。　〃Look　at　my　fingers。〃
　　　　She　stared　at　them　wildly。
　　　　〃Look　at　the　sickness　in　them。　They　aren't　just　cold…they're　sick；　numb　with　sickness　almost　all　the　way　across　my　palms。　That's　my　disease。〃
　　　　〃You　are　closed　to　me；〃　she　said　desolately。
　　　　〃That's　leprosy；　I　tell　you！　It's　there…even　if　you're　blind　to　it；　it's　there。　And　there's　only　one　way　you　can　get　it。　Prolonged　exposure。　You　might　get　it　if　you　stayed　around　me　long　enough。　And　children…what's　marriage　without　children？〃　He　could　not　keep　the　passion　out　of　his　voice。　〃Children　are　even　more　susceptible。　They　get　it　more　easilychildren　and…and　old　people。　When　I　get　wiped　out　of　the　Land　the　next　time；　you'll　be　left　behind；　and　the　only　absolutely　guaranteed　legacy　you'll　have　from　me　is　leprosy。　Foul　will　make　sure　of　it。　On　top　of　everything　else；　I'll　be　responsible　for　contaminating　the　entire　Land。〃
　　　　〃Covenant…beloved；〃　Lena　whispered；　〃I　beg　you。　Do　not　refuse　''　Her　eyes　swam　with　tears；　torn　by　a　cruel　effort　to　see　herself　as　she　really　was。　〃Behold；　I　am　frail　and　faulty。　I　have　neither　worth　nor　courage　to　preserve　myself　alone。　I　have　given…　Please；　Thomas　Covenant。〃　Before　he　could　stop　her；　she　dropped　to　her　knees。　〃I　beg…do　not　shame　me　in　the　eyes　of　my　whole　life。〃
　　　　His　defensive　rage　was　no　match　for　her。　He　snatched　her　up　from　her　knees　as　if　he　meant　to　break　her　back；　but　then　he　held　her　tenderly；　put　all　the　gentleness　of　which　he　was　capable　into　his　face。　For　an　instant；　he　felt　he　had　in　his　hands　proof　that　he…not　Lord　Foul…was　responsible　for　the　misery　of　the　Land。　And　he　could　not　accept　that　responsibility　without　rejecting　her。　What　she　asked　him　to　do　was　to　forget…
　　　　He　knew　that　Foamfollower　was　watching　him。　But　if　Triock　and　Mhoram　and　Banner　had　been　behind　him　as　well…if　even　Trell　and　Atiaran　had　been　present…he　would　not　have　changed　his　answer。
　　　　〃No；　Lena；''　he　said　softly。　〃I　don't　love　you　right…I　don't　have　the　right　kind　of　love　to　marry　you。　I'd　only　be　cheating　you。　You're　beautiful　…beautiful。　Any　other　man　wouldn't　wait　for　you　to　ask　him。　But　I'm　the　Unbeliever；　remember？　I'm　here　for　a　reason。''　With　a　sick　twisting　of　his　lips　that　was　as　close　as　he　could　e　to　a　smile；　he　finished；　〃Berek　Halfhand　didn't　marry　his　Queen；　either。〃
　　　　His　words　filled　him　with　disgust。　He　felt　that　he　was　telling　her　a　lie　worse　than　the　lie　of　marrying　her…that　any　fort　he　might　try　to　offer　her　violated　the　severe　truth。　But　as　she　realized　what　he　was　saying；　she　caught　hold　of　the　idea　and　clasped　it　to　her。　She　blinked　rapidly　at　her　tears；　and　the　harsh　effort　of　holding　her　confusion　at　bay　faded　from　her　face。　In　its　place；　a　shy　smile　touched　her　lips。　〃Am　I　your　Queen　then；　Unbeliever？〃　she　asked　in　a　tone　of　wonder。
　　　　Roughly；　Covenant　hugged　her　so　that　she　could　not　see　the　savagery　which　white…knuckled　his　countenance。　〃Of　course。〃　He　forced　up　the　words　as　if　they　were　too　thick　for　his　aching　throat。　〃No　one　else　is　worthy。〃
　　　　He　held　her；　half　fearing　she　would　collapse　if　he　let　her　go；　but　after　a　long　moment；　she　withdrew　from　his　embrace。　With　a　look　that　reminded　him　of　her　sprightly　girlhood；　she　said；　〃Let　us　tell　the　Giant；〃　as　if　she　wished　to　announce　something　better　than　a　betrothal。
　　　　Together；　they　turned　and　climbed　arm　in　arm　up　the　ravine　toward　Saltheart　Foamfollower。
　　　　When　they　reached　him；　they　found　that　his　buttressed　visage　was　still　wet　with　weeping。　Gray　ice　sheened　his　face；　hung　like　beads　from　his　stiff　beard。　His　hands　were　gripped　and　straining　across　his　knees。　〃Foamfollower；〃　Lena　said　in　surprise；　〃this　is　a　moment　of　happiness。　Why　do　you　weep？〃
　　　　His　hands　jerked　up　to　scrub　away　the　ice；　and　when　it　was　gone；　he　smiled　at　her　with　wonderful　fondness。　〃You　are　too　beautiful；　my　Queen；〃　he　told　her　gently。　〃You　surpass　me。〃
　　　　His　response　made　her　shine　with　pleasure。　For　a　moment；　her　old　flesh　blushed　youthfully；　and　she　met　the　Giant's　gaze　with　joy　in　her　eyes。　Then　a　recollection　started　her。　〃But　I　am　remiss。　I　have　been　asleep；　and　you　have　not　eaten。　I　must　cook　for　you。〃　Turning　lightly；　she　scampered　down　the　ravine　toward　Foamfollower's　supplies。
　　　　The　Giant　glanced　up　at　the　chill　sky；　then　looked　at　Covenant's　gaunt　face。　His　cavernous　eyes　glinted　sharply；　as　if　he　understood　what　Covenant　had　been　through。　As　gently　as　he　had　spoken　to　Lena；　he　asked；　〃Do　you　now　believe　in　the　Land？〃
　　　　〃I'm　the　Unbeliever。　I　don't　change。〃
　　　　〃Do　you　not？〃
　　　　〃I　am　going　to〃…Covenant's　shoulders　hunched…〃exterminate　Lord　Foul　the　bloody　Despiser。　Isn't　that　enough　for　you？〃
　　　　〃Oh；　it　is　enough　for　me；〃　Foamfollower　said　with　sudden　vehemence。　〃I　require　nothing　more。　But　it　does　not　suffice　for　you。　What　do　you　believe…what　is　your　faith？〃
　　　　〃I　don't　know。〃
　　　　Foamfollower　looked　away　again　at　the　weather。　His　heavy　brows　hid　his　eyes；　but　his　smile　seemed　sad；　almost　hopeless。　〃Therefore　I　am　afraid。〃
　　　　Covenant　nodded　grimly；　as　if　in　agreement。
　　　　Nevertheless；　if　Lord　Foul　had　appeared　before　him　at　that　moment；　he；　Thomas　Covenant；　Unbeliever　and　leper；　would　have　tried　to　tear　the　Despiser's　heart　out　with　his　bare　hands。
　　　　He　needed　to　know　how　to　use　the　white　wild　magic　gold。
　　　　But　there　were　no　answers　in　the　meal　Lena　cooked　for　him　and　Foamfollower；　or　in　the　gray　remainder　of　the　afternoon；　which　he　spent　huddled　over　the　fire…stones　with　Lena　resting　drowsily　against　him；　or　in　the　dank；　suffering　twilight　that　finally　brought　his　waiting　to　an　end。　When　Foamfollower　led　the　way　eastward　out　of　the　ravine；　Covenant　felt　that　he　understood　nothing　but　the　wind　which　blew　through　him　like　scorn　for　the　impotence　of　sunlight　and　warmth。　And　after　that　he　had　no　more　time　to　think　about　it。　All　his　attention　was　occupied　with　the　work　of　stumbling　numbly　through　the　benighted　hills。
　　　　Traveling　was　difficult　for　him。　His　body's　struggle　to　recover　from　injury　and　inanition　drained　his　strength；　the　bitter　cold　drained　his　strength。　He　could　not　see　where　to　place　his　feet；　could　not　avoid　tripping；　falling；　bruising　himself　on　insensate　dirt　and　rock。　Yet　he　kept　going；　pushed　himself　after　Foamfollower　until　the　sweat　froze　on　his　forehead　and　his　clothing　grew　crusted　with　stains　of　ice。　His　resolve　held　him。　In　time；　he　even　became　dimly　grateful　that　his　feet　were　numb；　so　that　he　could　not　feel　the　damage　he　was　doing　to　himself。