lh.narcissusinchains-第99章

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　I　wasn't　going　to　be　distracted；　not　even　by　him　noticing　what　I'd　worn　with　him　in　mind。　〃You　have　to　be　as　tired　as　I　am；　Richard。　What's　keeping　you　up？〃
　He　looked　down；　then　up；　and　there　was　such　sorrow　in　his　dark　eyes；　that　I　almost　said；　no；　don't；　but　he　needed　to　talk。　〃Louisa　is　in　jail；　and　Guy　is　dead。〃
　I　frowned。　〃I　don't　know　the　names。〃
　〃Louisa　is　one　of　our　newest　wolves。〃　He　looked　down　again；　not　meeting　my　eyes。　〃Guy　is　her　fiance　。。。　husband。　Was　her　husband。〃　He　covered　his　face　with　his　hands；　shaking　his　head　over　and　over　and　over。
　I　held　his　wrists；　lowered　his　hands　so　I　could　see　his　eyes。　〃Richard；　talk　to　me。〃
　His　hands　turned　in　my　grip；　holding　my　hands。　We　held　hands　while　I　watched　the　pain　in　his　eyes　spill　out　in　words。　〃Louisa　killed　Guy　on　their　honeymoon；　yesterday。　I　got　the　call　just　before　I　came　here。〃
　〃I　still　don't　understand。　It's　awful；　tragic；　but　。。。　〃　I　said。
　〃I　was　her　sponsor。　I　trained　her　to　control　her　beast；　and　she　lost　that　control　on　her　honeymoon　in　the　middle　of　。。。　〃　He　lowered　his　head；　and　raised　my　hands　so　that　his　forehead　rested　against　the　back　of　my　hands。
　〃She　lost　control　in　the　middle　of　sex；〃　I　finished　for　him。
　He　nodded；　his　face　still　pressed　to　my　hands。　〃Losing　her　virginity；〃　he　said；　voice　muffled；　low。
　〃Did　you　say　virginity？〃
　He　pulled　away　from　me　then；　dropped　his　hands　in　his　lap；　and　I　noticed　for　the　first　time　that　he　was　wearing　a　towel　knotted　at　his　waist。　〃Yes。〃
　〃You　mean　she'd　never　tried　to　control　her　beast　during　intercourse？〃　I　asked。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃They'd　been　engaged　for　more　than　two　years　before　Louisa　was　attacked　and　became　one　of　us。　They　both　wanted　to　wait　for　the　wedding　night。〃
　〃mendable；〃　I　said。　〃And　orgasm；　to　a　certain　extent；　is　orgasm。　If　she　could　control　herself　during　nonintercourse　orgasm；　then　she　should　have　been　able　to　control　herself　during　intercourse；　too。〃　I　touched　his　shoulder　again。　〃You　did　all　you　could　for　her。〃
　He　jerked　away　as　if　I'd　burned　him；　ing　to　his　feet　so　suddenly　that　the　chair　crashed　back　against　the　kitchen　island；　then　the　floor。　I　sensed　rather　than　saw　people　in　the　doorway。　I　said；　〃We're　alright。〃　I　turned　to　see　Shang…Da；　Merle；　and　the　two　wererats；　still　hesitating　in　the　doorway。　〃We're　alright；　go　away。〃　They　all　pulled　back；　but　I　knew　now　that　we　had　an　audience；　because　they　wouldn't　go　far。
　Richard　stood　in　the　middle　of　my　kitchen　wearing　nothing　but　a　towel　and　the　golden　first　light　of　dawn。　Normally　it　would　have　distracted　me　from　anything　reasonable；　but　not　this　morning。　The　pain　in　his　face　was　more　important　than　his　body　right　now。　Looking　at　him；　standing　there　so　defiant；　so　hurt；　I　had　an　idea；　an　awful　idea。
　〃Please　tell　me　you　don't　mean　she　wanted　to　wait　for　any　sexual　contact　until　the　honeymoon？〃
　His　chin　raised；　and　that　arrogance　tried　to　slide　over　him。　But　it　was　a　mask；　and　I　saw　through　it　now。　Underneath　he　was　scared　and　guilty。　〃I　taught　her　to　control　the　beast　during　anger；　sadness；　fear；　pain；　every　extreme　of　emotion；　but　not　sex。　I　respected　her　convictions。〃
　I　stared　at　him。　It　was　so　something　Richard　would　do。　Theoretically；　I　even　approved；　but　theory　and　practice　aren't　the　same。　In　real　life　it　had　been　a　bad　idea；　and　Richard　should　have　known　that　better　than　I　did。
　I　felt　my　face　go　blank；　empty。　It　was　a　good　cop　face。　I　didn't　want　anything　I　was　thinking　to　show　for　this。　〃So　this　Louisa　shifted　in　the　middle　of　sex　and　killed　her　husband；　and　the　cops　caught　her。〃　I　didn't　add　that　I　was　surprised　they　hadn't　shot　her　on　sight。　Finding　the　big　bad　wolf　eating　the　body　of　the　nice　little　human　would　be　cause　enough　for　shooting　to　kill。
　〃Louisa　turned　herself　in。　I　think　if　she　didn't　think　suicide　was　a　sin；　she'd　have　killed　herself。〃　He　turned　my　way　walking　to　the　sliding　glass　doors；　leaning　his　forehead　against　the　glass；　as　if　he　was　tired。
　I　wished　I　could　have　said　it　wasn't　his　fault；　but　it　was。　He　was　her　sponsor；　the　one　who　was　supposed　to　teach　her　how　to　be　a　shapeshifter。　I'd　learned　from　dealing　with　the　wereleopards；　and　Richard；　and　Verne's　pack　in　Tennessee　that　orgasm　of　any　kind　was　one　of　the　true　tests　of　their　control。　Orgasm　was　supposed　to　be　a　release；　but　to　truly　give　up　all　control　meant　shifting　form；　and　that　was　the　ultimate　nightmare　when　you　had　a　human　lover。　Richard　had　lectured　me　often　enough　when　we　were　dating　that　he　didn't　trust　himself　the　night　of　the　full　moon；　or　even　the　day　before。　He　didn't　fear　losing　control　and　killing　me；　just　losing　control　and　scaring　me　to　death。　Or　more　honestly；　grossing　me　out。　He　had　shifted　on　top　of　me　once；　and　that　had　had　nothing　to　do　with　sex。　And　that　one　experience　had　sent　me　running　to　Jean　Claude。　Well；　Richard　changing　on　top　of　me　and　seeing　him　eat　someone。
　I　didn't　know　what　to　say。　All　I　knew　was　that　I　had　to　say　something；　that　silence　was　almost　worse　than　anything。
　He　spoke　without　turning　around。　〃Go　ahead；　Anita；　tell　me　I'm　a　fool。　Tell　me　I　sacrificed　both　of　them　on　the　altar　of　my　ideals。〃　His　voice　was　bitter　enough　to　choke　on；　just　hearing　the　pain　in　it。
　〃Louisa　and　her　husband　wanted　to　hold　true　to　who　they　were。　You　wanted　to　help　them　do　that。　It's　perfectly；　logically　you。〃　My　voice　was　empty；　but　at　least　it　wasn't　reproachful。　It　was　the　best　I　could　do。　Because　it　was　a　waste；　a　waste　because　Richard　and　the　girl　and　her　fiance　had　been　more　worried　about　appearance　than　reality。　Or　maybe　I'm　just　cynical；　and　tired；　oh；　so　tired。
　It　was　like　any　really　good　tragedy　　entirely　dependent　on　the　personalities　of　the　people　involved。　If　Richard　had　been　more　practical　and　less　idealistic；　if　Louisa　and　her　late　husband　had　been　less　religious；　less　pure；　hell；　if　the　husband　really　brought　her　to　orgasm　with　just　intercourse；　then　if　he'd　only　been　less　talented。　So　many　things　had　gone　into　making　all　the　good　intentions　go　horribly　wrong。
　〃Yes；　it　was　perfectly；　logically　me；　and　I　was　wrong。　I　should　have　at　least　forced　her　to　have　her　first　experience　with　Guy　where　the　pack　could　oversee　it；　save　him。　But　Louisa　was　so　。。。　delicate　about　it。　I　just　couldn't　insist。　I　just　couldn't　make　her　strip　down　in　front　of　strangers　and　have　her　most　intimate　moment　witnessed。　I　just　couldn't　do　it。〃
　I　didn't　know　what　to　say。　I　did　the　only　thing　I　could　think　of　to　fort　him。　I　went　to　him　and　put　my　arms　around　his　waist；　put　my　cheek　against　the　smooth　firmness　of　his　back；　and　held　him。　〃I　am　so　sorry；　Richard；　so　very　sorry。〃
　His　body　started　to　shake；　and　I　realized　he　was　crying　again；　still　soundlessly；　but　not　gently。　Great　racking　sobs　shook　his　body；　but　the　only　sound　he　allowed　himself　was　the　harsh　shaking　of　his　breath　as　he　gasped；　trying　to　get　enough　air。
　He　slid　slowly　to　his　knees；　his　hands　making　harsh　sounds　down　the　glass　of　the　door；　as　if　he　were　taking　skin　off　as　his　hand　slid　down　the　glass。　I　stayed　standing；　leaning　over　him；　cradling　his　head　against　my　body；　my　hands　on　his　shoulders　and　chest；　trying　to　hold　him。
　He　fell　backwards；　and　I　was　suddenly　trying　to　hold　all　his　weight　as　he　went　for　the　floor。　I　tripped　on　the　hem　of　the　robe；　and　we　ended　in　a　heap　on　the　floor；　with　his　head　and　shoulders　in　my　lap　and　me　struggling　to　sit　up。　The　knot　on　the　towel　had　loosened；　and　a　long；　uninterrupted　line　of　his　body　showed　from　his　waist　down　his　hip　to　his　foot。　The　towel　was　still　in　place；　but　it　was　losing　the　battle。
　His　mouth　opened　in　a　soundless　cry；　then　suddenly　there　was　sound。　He　gave　one　ragged；　tear…choked　scream；　and　the　sound　seemed　to　free　something　inside　him。　Because　the　sobbing　was　suddenly　loud；　full　of　small；　awful；　painful　sounds。　He　sobbed；　and　whimpered；　and　screamed；　and　clutched　at　my　arms；　enough　that　I　knew　I'd　be　bruised。　And　all　I　could　do　was　hold　on；　touch　him；　rock　him；　until　he　quieted。　He　finally　lay　on　his　side；　his　upper　body　as　far　into　my　lap　as　he　would　fit；　the　rest　of　him　curled　up　so　that　one　thigh　covered　him。　The　towel　formed　a　heap　on　the　floor　underneath　him。　I　didn't　even　know　when　the　towel　had　fallen　away。　I　was　sort　of　proud　of　that；　b