lh.narcissusinchains-第92章

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n　film　where　things　could　be　controlled　。。。　〃　He　hugged　his　body　against　mine；　clinging。
　〃What　happened？〃　I　said；　softly。
　〃She　did　that　to　Gregory　on　her　own；　as　a　kind　of　。。。　fun。　But　when　he　survived　it；　she　wanted　to　do　a　version　of　it　on　film。〃
　I　went　very　still　for　a　second　or　two。　I　think　I　stopped　breathing；　because　when　my　breath　finally　did　e　out；　it　shook。　〃You？〃　I　made　it　a　question。
　He　nodded　his　head；　cheek　still　pressed　to　my　thigh。　〃Me。〃
　I　stroked　his　hair；　stared　down　into　that　young　face。　He　was　six　years　younger　than　me；　almost　seven；　but　it　seemed　like　there　should　have　been　decades　between　us。　He　was　so　much　a　victim；　so　much　anyone's　meat。
　〃Gregory　wouldn't　do　it　again；　said　he'd　kill　himself　first；　and　Gabriel　must　have　believed　him。〃
　I　kept　petting　his　hair　because　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　do。　What　do　you　say　while　someone　whispers　horrors　in　your　ear；　tells　you　their　most　intimate；　nightmarish　secrets？　You　sit　and　you　listen。　And　you　give　them　the　only　thing　you　can　　the　silence　and　the　safety　to　talk　and　to　be　heard。
　His　voice　dropped　soft；　softer；　until　I　had　to　lean　my　face　over　his　to　hear　turn。　〃They　chained　me　down；　and　I　knew　the　script。　I　knew　what　was　about　to　happen；　and　I　was　excited。　The　fear　made　the　anticipation　almost　unbearable。〃
　I　laid　my　cheek　against　his；　felt　his　mouth　move　as　he　spoke；　and　I　kept　very；　very　quiet。　I　had　nothing　to　offer　but　my　silence；　and　my　touch。
　He　whispered；　〃I　like　teeth；　biting；　I　like　a　lot　of　damage。　It　was　wonderful　until　。。。　〃　He　closed　his　eyes；　turned　his　face　into　my　jeans；　as　if　even　now　he　couldn't　look　at　the　memory。　I　had　lifted　my　head　up　when　he　moved；　but　laid　a　gentle　kiss　on　the　back　of　his　head。　〃It's　okay；　Nathaniel；　it's　okay。〃
　He　said　something；　but　I　couldn't　understand　it。
　〃What？〃
　He　moved　his　head　just　enough　so　that　his　mouth　wasn't　buried　against　my　leg。　〃God；　it　hurt。　She　took　it　in　pieces；　wanted　it　to　last　longer　than　it　had　with　Gregory。〃
　His　whole　body　gave　one　great　shiver；　and　I　leaned　over　him；　my　free　hand　across　his　back；　smoothing　the　hair　away　so　I　could　reach　his　skin。　I　stroked　over　his　back；　and　found　all　the　little　bite　marks　I'd　left　in　his　skin。　I　hadn't　felt　bad　for　marking　him；　until　now。　Now　I　felt　like　I'd　used　him　like　everyone　else　had。
　I　curled　my　body　over　his；　hugging　him　into　my　lap；　holding　him　as　close　as　I　could。　〃I　am　sorry；　Nathaniel；　so　sorry。〃
　〃You　don't　have　anything　to　be　sorry　about；　Anita。　You've　never　hurt　me。〃
　〃Yes；　I　have。〃
　He　raised　up　enough　to　meet　my　eyes。　He　looked　so　young；　eyes　wide。　〃I　love　that　you've　marked　me；　don't　be　sorry　about　that。〃　He　gave　a　small　smile。　〃If　you　start　feeling　guilty　about　it；　you　won't　do　it　again；　and　I　want　you　to；　I　want　that　very　much。〃
　〃If　I　feed　on　you；　Nathaniel；　for　the　ardeur；　or　the　flesh；　or　whatever；　I'm　using　you。　I　don't　use　people。〃
　He　held　my　hand　so　tight　that　it　almost　hurt。　〃Don't　do　this　to　me。〃
　〃Do　what？〃
　〃Don't　punish　me　for　telling　you　about　how　Raina　hurt　me。〃
　〃I'm　not　punishing　you。〃
　〃I　tell　you　this　horrible　thing；　and　you　start　feeling　protective　of　me；　and　guilty。　I　know　you；　Anita；　you'll　let　your　head　get　in　the　way　of　what　we　both　need。〃
　〃And　what　exactly　is　that？〃　And　even　I　could　hear　the　impatience；　almost　anger；　in　my　voice。
　He　raised　up　farther；　bringing　his　face　close　to　mine；　because　I'd　sat　up；　distancing　myself　from　him。　〃You　need　to　feed　the　ardeur；　and　I　need　to　have　a　place　to　belong。〃
　〃You　are　wele　in　my　house　as　long　as　you　need　it；　Nathaniel。〃
　He　shook　his　head；　pushing　the　hair　back　impatiently；　letting　go　of　my　hand；　putting　his　hands　on　my　knees；　half…crawling　under　the　table　so　that　he　was　kneeling　between　my　legs；　though　only　his　hands　touched　the　tops　of　my　knees。　He　stared　up　at　me。　〃No；　you　tolerate　me。　I　do　some　housework；　errands；　but　I　don't　belong。　You　don't　go　through　your　day　thinking　about　me。　I'm　here；　but　I'm　not　part　of　your　life；　I　know　that。　If　I　am　your　pomme　de　sang；　then　I　will　be。　I'll　finally　belong　to　you　in　a　way　that　both　of　us　can　live　with。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃No；　Nathaniel；　no。〃
　He　grabbed　the　legs　of　the　chair　and　picked　the　entire　thing　up　with　me　on　it　from　a　kneeling　position　and　moved　it　backwards　with　a　bump；　so　he　could　fit　under　the　table　better。　He　hadn't　even　strained　when　he　did　it。　He　put　his　hands　on　the　chair　arms；　slid　his　lower　body　against　the　chair；　putting　my　knees　on　either　side　of　his　hips。
　〃And　who　else　are　you　going　to　feed　off　of　every　day？　Richard？　Jean…Claude？　Micah？〃
　〃The　ardeur　may　be　temporary；〃　I　said。
　He　put　a　hand　on　either　side　of　my　waist。　〃If　it's　temporary；　then　feed　on　me　until　it　goes　away。　If　it's　permanent　。。。　〃
　〃I　don't　want　to　feed　on　anyone。〃
　His　hands　slid　around　my　waist；　his　head　going　to　my　lap；　and　I　realized　he　was　crying。　〃Please；　don't　do　this；　Anita；　please　don't　do　this。〃
　I　stroked　his　hair；　his　face；　and　didn't　know　what　to　say。　What　was　I　going　to　do　if　the　ardeur　was　permanent？　Richard　didn't　let　anyone　feed　off　of　him　for　any　reason　　same　rule　I　had。　Jean…Claude　would　be　literally　dead　to　the　world　when　I　most　needed　to　feed。　Micah　was　still　a　question　mark。　But　in　some　ways；　feeding　off　of　Nathaniel　because　he　was　the　only　one　that　would　let　me；　was　almost　worse。
　I　lifted　his　face　from　my　lap；　a　hand　on　either　side。　Tears　glittered　on　his　cheeks　in　the　faint　light。　I　kissed　his　forehead；　kissed　his　closed　eyes；　the　way　you　would　a　child's。
　〃Did　I　get　here　just　in　time；　or　am　I　interrupting？〃　It　was　Richard　standing　in　the　doorway。　Perfect　fucking　timing；　as　always。
　
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　I　FROZE　WITH　Nathaniel's　face　cradled　in　my　hands；　him　kneeling　between　my　legs　with　the　table　hiding　most　of　him；　having　just　risen　from　kissing　him；　and　knew　how　it　looked。　I　wasn't　sure　I　could　explain　it　to　Richard's　satisfaction。　To　my　knowledge　Richard　didn't　know　about　the　ardeur　yet；　and　right　then　I　didn't　want　to　tell　him。
　I　laid　another　gentle　kiss　on　Nathaniel's　forehead　and　leaned　back。　I　wasn't　going　to　act　like　I'd　done　something　wrong　when　I　hadn't。　Nathaniel　took　his　cue　from　me；　laying　his　head　back　in　my　lap；　which　I　realized　meant　he　was　invisible　from　the　doorway；　the　table　hiding　what　he　was　doing。
　Richard　strode　into　the　kitchen　like　an　angry　wind；　his　power　biting　along　my　skin。　He　came　to　stand　where　he　could　see　that　Nathaniel　had　his　cheek　against　my　thigh；　gazing　up　at　the　larger　man；　as　he　towered　over　both　of　us。
　Jamil　and　Shang…Da　were　hanging　back　by　the　doorway。　They　were　good　bodyguards；　but　some　things　bodyguards　can't　keep　you　safe　from。
　I　felt　my　face　go　neutral；　empty；　vaguely　pleasant。　〃I　was　forting　one　of　my　leopards；　something　wrong　with　that？〃
　〃He　looks　very　fortable；〃　Richard　said；　voice　mild　enough；　but　his　power　was　hot；　like　opening　the　door　to　an　oven。
　I　licked　my　lips。　I　was　going　to　have　to　explain　the　ardeur；　sooner　or　later；　and　since　I　wanted　him　to　help　us　save　Gregory；　tonight　was　probably　the　right　time。　〃Nathaniel　and　I　were　discussing　some　side　effects　of　marrying　the　vampire　marks。〃
　〃You　mean　the　ardeur；〃　he　said。
　I　was　surprised　and　let　it　show。　〃Who　told　you？〃
　〃Jean…Claude　thought　I　should　know。　He　encouraged　me　to　e　over　and　be　here　for　you　in　the　morning。〃
　〃And　you　said？〃　I　kept　my　voice　as　neutral　as　I　could；　but　not　as　neutral　as　I　wanted　it　to　be。
　〃I　don't　let　him；　or　Asher；　or　any　of　them；　feed　off　of　me；　blood　or　anything　else。　I　don't　see　why　I　should　change　that　rule　just　because　it's　you　and　it's　sex　instead　of　blood。〃
　〃Did　he　explain　that　if　I　don't　feed　off　of　you；　or　him；　I　still　have　to　feed　off　of　someone？〃
　〃There's　always　your　Nimir…Raj。〃　The　contempt　in　his　voice　was　thick　enough　to　walk　on。
　〃Micah's　been　called　away　on　pard　business。〃
　〃You　really　think　he　won't　be　back　before　morning　so　you　can　fuck　him？　I　do。〃
　I　stared　up　at　him；　still　sitting　in　the　face　of　his　burning　power　and　the　sheer　physical　presence　of　him。　Richard　was　one　of　those　big　men　who　never　seemed　big　unless　he　was　angry。　He　seemed　big　now；　and　I　wasn't　impressed。
　I　started　petting　Nathaniel's　hair；　and　he　snuggled　in　against　my　legs；　letting　the　ten