lh.narcissusinchains-第69章

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　〃What　did　you　do？〃　I　sounded　breathless。
　〃The　hunger　can　be　turned　to　sex；〃　Micah　said。
　〃I　wasn't　going　to　feed；〃　I　said。
　〃Your　skin　went　hot。　Our　bodies　spike　a　temperature　just　before　we　change；　like　a　human　before　a　seizure。〃
　I　turned；　still　held　in　his　arms；　half…pinned　between　his　knees。　〃You　thought　I　was　going　to　change？〃
　〃It　usually　takes　weeks；　or　at　least　the　first　full　moon；　for　the　first　shape　change。　But　you　seem　to　be　gaining　problems　faster　than　normal。　If　you　changed　for　the　first　time　here；　I　don't　think　either　Rafael　or　I　would　be　able　to　keep　you　from　tearing　Reece　up。〃
　〃The　first　change　is　very　violent；〃　Rafael　said；　〃and　even　the　backseat　of　a　limo　doesn't　have　much　room　to　hide　or　to　run　in。〃
　Reece　looked　at　me　from　only　inches　away；　held　in　Micah's　arms；　his　body；　and　I　knew　that　it　wasn't　romantic。　He　was　holding　on　in　case　the　sex　as　distraction　didn't　work。　〃She's　been　Nimir…Ra　for　over　a　year；〃　Reece　said。
　〃But　still　human；　until　recently；〃　Rafael　said。
　Reece　stared　at　me　for　a　second　or　two；　then　said；　〃Very　well；　I　have　a　birthmark　in　the　shape　of　a　swan。　My　family　knew　from　my　birth　what　I　was　meant　to　be。〃
　〃I've　heard　of　such　things；〃　Micah　said；　〃but　I　thought　it　was　legend。〃
　Reece　shook　his　head。　〃It's　very　true。〃　He　sat　back　in　his　seat；　tucking　his　undershirt　down　in　front。
　〃Kaspar　had　feathers　instead　of　hair　on　his　head；〃　I　said。
　〃I'm　told　that　if　I　live　long　enough　that　gradually　that　will　happen　to　me。〃　There　was　something　in　his　voice　that　said　he　wasn't　looking　forward　to　the　prospect。
　〃You　don't　sound　happy；〃　I　said。
　He　frowned　at　me；　rebuttoning　his　shirt。　〃You　were　human　once；　Ms。　Blake；　I've　never　been　human。　I　was　born　a　swan　king。　I　was　raised　to　take　my　place　as　their　king　from　my　earliest　memories。　You　have　no　idea　what　that's　like。　I　insisted　on　going　to　college；　on　getting　a　degree；　but　I　may　never　get　to　use　it；　because　going　from　place　to　place　caring　for　the　other　swans　keeps　me　very　busy。〃
　I　stayed　in　the　circle　of　Micah's　body；　but　the　tension　was　draining　away；　〃I　saw　my　first　soul　when　I　was　ten；　and　my　first　ghost　earlier　than　that；　Reece。　At　thirteen　I　accidentally　raised　my　dog　that　had　died。　I've　never　been　human　Reece；　trust　me　on　that。〃
　〃You　sound　bitter　about　it；〃　he　said。
　I　nodded。　〃Oh；　yeah。〃
　〃You　must　both　accept　who　and　what　you　are；　or　you　will　make　yourselves　miserable；〃　Rafael　said。
　We　both　looked　at　him；　and　I　don't　think　either　look　was　friendly。　〃Give　me　a　week　or　two　to　e　to　terms　with　being　a　kitty　cat；〃　I　said。
　〃I　am　not　referring　to　you　being　Nimir…Ra　for　real；〃　Rafael　said。　〃From　the　moment　I　met　you；　Anita；　you　have　half　hated　what　you　are。　As　Richard　has　run　from　his　beast；　so　you　have　run　from　your　own　gifts。〃
　〃I　don't　need　a　philosophy　lesson；　Rafael。〃
　〃I　think　you　do；　and　badly；　but　I'll　let　that　go；　if　it　bothers　you　so　very　much。〃
　〃Don't　even　start　on　me；〃　Reece　said。　〃I've　had　people　preach　to　me　all　my　life　that　I'm　blessed　and　not　cursed。　If　my　entire　family　couldn't　convince　me　of　it；　you　might　as　well　not　even　try。〃
　Rafael　shrugged；　then　turned　back　to　me。　〃Let's　pick　a　different　topic；　because　we　are　only　minutes　away　from　the　lupanar；　and　I　saw　Micah's　beast　　his　energy　　pass　through　you；　and　your　beast　responded。〃
　〃You　saw　it？〃　I　asked。
　He　nodded。　〃His　energy　is　very　blue；　and　yours　is　very　red；　and　they　mingled。〃
　〃So　you　got　what；　purple？〃　I　said。
　Micah　hugged　me　a　little　tighter；　a　warning　I　think　not　to　be　flippant；　but　Rafael　was　more　direct。　〃No　jokes；　Anita；　if　I　saw　it；　so　will　Richard。〃
　〃He's　my　Nimir…Raj；〃　I　said。
　〃You　don't　understand；　Anita。　Micah　said　he　thought　birthmarks　in　the　shape　of　your　beast　was　legend。　Well；　until　just　now；　I　believed　talk　of　a　perfect　mate　was　legend。　Like　true　fated　love；　just　a　romantic　story。〃　Rafael's　already　serious　face　got　even　more　solemn。　〃You　recognize　some　bond　from　the　beginning；　so　the　stories　go；　but　it's　only　after　you　have　sex　for　the　first　time　that　your　beasts　can　roll　through　each　other's　bodies。　Only　physical　intimacy　will　allow　such　metaphysical　intimacy。〃
　I　glanced　down　from　those　hard；　demanding　eyes；　but　finally　made　myself　look　back　up。　〃What　are　you　asking；　Rafael？〃
　〃Not　really　asking；　telling。　Telling　you　that　I　know　you　had　sex　with　Micah；　and　that；　even　though　Richard　has　dumped　you　and　publicly　declared　that　you　and　he　are　no　longer　a　couple；　he　won't　like　it。〃
　That　was　an　understatement。　I　pulled　away　from　Micah；　and　he　let　me　go；　no　lingering　touches。　I　moved　away；　and　he　allowed　it。　It　earned　him　brownie　points。　〃Richard　dumped　me；　Rafael；　not　the　other　way　around。　He　doesn't　have　any　right　to　bitch　about　what　I　do。〃
　〃If　he　dumped　her；　then　she's　free　to　do　what　she　wants；〃　Reece　said。　〃The　Ulfric　has　only　himself　to　blame。〃
　〃Logically；　you're　right；　but　when　has　logic　dictated　how　a　man　acts　when　he　sees　the　love　of　his　life　in　someone　else's　arms？〃　The　bitter　way　Rafael　said　it　made　me　look　at　him；　study　his　face。　He　sounded　like　he　was　speaking　from　experience。
　〃As　Ulfric　to　my　Nimir…Ra；　he　has　no　authority　over　me。〃
　〃Tonight　is　going　to　be　dangerous　enough；　Anita。　You　don't　need　to　make　Richard　angry。〃
　〃I　don't　want　to　make　things　worse。　God　knows　they're　bad　enough　as　they　are。〃
　〃You're　angry　with　him　for　dumping　you；〃　Rafael　said。
　I　started　to　say　no；　then　realized　he　might　be　right。　〃Maybe。〃
　〃You　want　to　hurt　him。〃
　I　started　to　say　no；　then　stopped　and　tried　to　think　　really　think　　about　how　I　felt。　I　was　angry　and　hurt　that　he　could　just　cast　me　aside。　Okay；　it　hadn't　been　that　simple；　but　still　。。。　〃Yeah；　I'm　hurt；　and　maybe　a　part　of　me　wants　to　punish　Richard　for　that；　but　it's　not　just　him　dumping　me。　It's　the　mess　he's　made　of　the　pack。　He's　endangered　people　I　care　about；　and　he's　doing　his　usual　Boy　Scout　shit　that　doesn't　even　work　well　in　the　human　world；　let　alone　with　a　bunch　of　werewolves。　I'm　tired；　Rafael；　I'm　tired　of　it；　and　him。〃
　〃It　sounds　like　you　might　have　dumped　him　if　he　hadn't　beat　you　to　it。〃
　〃I　came　back　to　make　it　work。　To　see　if　we　could　make　some　sense　of　it　all。　But　he　has　to　give　up　that　moral　code　of　his　that　has　never　worked　for　him　or　anyone　around　him。〃
　〃To　give　up　his　moral　code　is　to　give　up　being　who　he　is。〃
　I　nodded。　〃I　know。〃　And　just　saying　that　made　me　feel　worse。　〃He　can't　change；　and　staying　who　he　is　is　going　to　get　him　killed。〃
　〃And　maybe　you　and　Jean…Claude　with　him；〃　Rafael　said。
　〃Does　everyone　know　that　part？〃
　〃It's　standard　that　if　you　kill　a　vampire's　human　servant；　the　vampire　may　not　survive　the　death。　And　if　you　kill　a　vampire；　their　human　servants　either　die　or　go　crazy。　Logic　dictates　that　killing　either　of　you　endangers　the　other。〃
　I　still　didn't　like　that　everyone　knew　that　to　kill　one　of　us　might　kill　all　of　us。　Made　it　too　damn　easy　for　assassins。　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say；　Rafael？　That　Richard　and　I　have　a　fundamental　difference　of　philosophy　in　nearly　every　important　area？　There's　more　than　one　reason　we　didn't　get　married　and　live　happily　ever　after。　That　maybe　he's　going　to　have　to　choose　between　survival　or　his　morals？　That　I'm　afraid　he'd　almost　rather　die　than　promise　those　morals？　Yeah；　I'm　afraid。　It's　going　to　kill　a　little　piece　of　him　to　see　me　with　Micah。　I'd　spare　him　if　I　could；　but　I　didn't　choose　any　of　this。〃
　〃You　take　no　blame　in　this；〃　Rafael　said。
　I　sighed。　〃If　I　hadn't　left　for　six　months　maybe　I　could　have　talked　him　out　of　the　democracy　with　his　pack。　Maybe　if　I'd　been　here　a　lot　of　things　would　be　different；　but　I　wasn't　here；　and　I　can't　change　that。　All　I　can　do　is　try　fix　what　got　broke。〃
　〃You　think　you　can　fix　this；　all　of　it？〃　Rafael　asked。
　I　shrugged。　〃Ask　me　again　after　I've　met　Jacob　and　seen　how　Richard　deals　as　Ulfric　with　all　of　them。　I　need　a　feel　for　the　dynamics　before　I　say　if　it's　fixable。〃
　〃How　would　you　fix　it？〃　Micah　asked。
　I　glanced　back　at　him。　〃If　Jacob　and　a　few　others　are　the　problem；　then　it's　fixable。〃
　〃Killing　the　ones　who　stand　against　Richard　won't　fix　things；　Anita；〃　Rafael　said。　〃The　experiment　in　democracy　must　end。　Richard　must　begin　being　harsher　to　those　who　would　stand