sidneysheldon.astrangerinthemirror-第15章
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〃Entertain us；〃 O'Hanlon said。
Toby looked at them。 〃Just like that ？〃
〃What would you like？〃 Rainger asked。
〃An introduction from a sixty…piece orchestra？〃
He turned to O'Hanlon。 〃Get the music department on the phone。〃
You prick； thought Toby。 You're on my shit list； both of you。 He knew what they were trying to do。 They were trying to make him look bad so they could go back to Clifton Lawrence and say； we can't help him。 He's a stiff。 Well； he was not going to let them get away with it。 He put on a smile he did not feel； and went into his Abbott and Costello routine。
〃Hey； Lou； ain't you ashamed of yourself？ You're turnin' into a bum。 Why don't you go out and get yourself a job？〃 'I got a job。〃 〃Certainly。 It keeps me busy all day； I got regular hours； and I'm home in time for dinner every night。〃 The two of them were studying Toby now； weighing him； analyzing him； and in the middle of his routine they began talking； as though Toby were not in the room。
〃He doesn t know how to stand。〃
〃He uses his hands like he's chopping wood。 Maybe we could write a woodchopper act for him。〃
〃He pushes too hard。〃
〃Jesus； with that materialwouldn't you？〃
Toby was getting more upset by the moment。 He did not have to stay here and be insulted by these two maniacs。 Their material was probably lousy anyway。 Finally； he could stand it no longer。 He stopped； his voice trembling with rage。
〃I don't need you bastards！ Thanks for the hospitality。〃 He started for the door。 Rainger stood up in genuine amazement。
〃Hey！ What's the matter with you？〃
Toby turned on him in fury。 〃What the fuck do you think is the matter？ Youyou〃 He was so frustrated； he was on the verge of tears。
Rainger turned to look at O'Hanlon in bewilderment。 〃We must have hurt his feelings。〃
〃Golly。〃
Toby took a deep breath。 〃Look； you two； I don't care if you don't like me； but 〃
〃We love you！ 〃 O'Hanlon exclaimed。
〃We think you're darling！〃 Rainger chimed in。
Toby looked from one to the other in plete bafflement。 〃What？ You acted like 〃
〃You know your trouble； Toby？ You're insecure。 Relax。 Sure； you've got a lot to learn； but on the other hand； if you were Bob Hope you wouldn't be here。〃
O'Hanlon added； 〃And do you know why？ Because Bob's up in Carmel today。〃
〃Playing golf。 Do you play golf？〃 Rainger asked。
〃No。〃
The two writers looked at each other in dismay。 〃There go all the golf jokes。 Shit！〃
O'Hanlon picked up the telephone。 〃Bring in some coffee； will you； Zsa Zsa？〃 He put down the phone and turned Toby。
〃Do you know how many would…be ics there are this quaint little business we're in？〃 Toby shook his head。 〃I can tell you exactly。 Three billion seven hundred and sixty…eight million； as of six o'clock last night。 And that's lot including Milton Berle's brother。 When there's a full noon； they all crawl out of the woodwork。 There are only half a dozen really top ics。 The others will never make it。 edy is the most serious business in the world。 It's god damned hard work being funny； whether you're a ic or a edian。〃
〃What's the difference？〃
〃A big one。 A ic opens funny doors。 A edian opens doors funny。〃
Rainger asked； 〃Did you ever stop to think what makes one edian a smash and another one a failure？〃
〃Material；〃 Toby said； wanting to flatter them。
〃Buffalo shit。 The last new joke was invented by Aristophanes。 Jokes are basically all the same。 George Burns can tell six jokes that the guy on the bill ahead of him just told； and Burns will get bigger laughs。 Do you know why？ Personality。〃 It was what Clifton Lawrence had told him。 〃Without it； you're nothing； nobody。 You start with a personality and you turn it into a character。 Take Hope。 If he came out and did a Jack Benny monologue； he'd bomb。 Why？ Because he's built up a character。 That's what the audiences expect from him。 When Hope walks out； they want to hear those rapid…fire jokes。 He's a likeable smart…ass； the big city fellow who gets his lumps。 Jack Bennyjust the opposite。 He wouldn't know what to do with a Bob Hope monologue； but he can take a two…minute pause and make an audience scream。 Each of the Marx Brothers has his own character。 Fred Alien is unique。 That brings us to you。 Do you know your problem； Toby？ You're a little of everybody。 You're mutating all the big boys。 Well； that's great if you want to play Elks smokers for the rest of your life。 But if you want to move up into the big time； you've got to create a character of your own。 When you're out on that stage； before you even open your mouth； them has to know that Toby Temple is up there。 Do you
took over。 〃Do you know what you've got； Toby … angel face。 If I weren't already engaged to Clark Gable I would be crazy about you。 There's a naive sweetness about you。〃
〃That's right； it could be worth a fucking fortune； and nothing of a fortune in fucking；〃 Rainger chimed。 〃You'll get away with things that the other boys can't。 It's like you saying four…letter words it's cute because you do believe he really understands what he's saying。 When you got in here； you asked if we were the fellows who are going to write your Jokes。 The answer is no。 This isn't a jokes。 What we are going to do is show you what you've to do to use It。 We're going to tailor a character for you。 What do you say？〃
Toby glanced from one to the other； grinned happily and said； 〃I … let's up our sleeves and go to work。〃
That day Toby had lunch with O'HanIon and Rainger。
This Twentieth Century…Fox missary was an atrium room wall…to…wall filled with stars。 On any table one could see Tyrone Power and Loretta Young and Alice Faye and Richard and Victor Mature and the Marx Brothers。 Some were seated at tables in the large room； some in the smaller executive dining room which ajoined the main missary。 Toby loved watching them all … in a short time； he would be one of them； people would be mad for his autograph。 He was on his way； and he was going to get more than any of them。
Alice Tanner was thrilled by what was happening to Toby。 〃Oh； you're going to make it； darling。 I'm so proud of you。〃
Toby and O'Hanlon and Rainger had long discussions out the new character Toby was to be。
〃He should think he's a sophisticated man of the world；〃 O'Hanlon said。 〃But every time he es to that； he lays as if
〃What's his job？〃 asked Rainger。 〃Mixing metaphors？〃
〃This character should live with his mother。 He's in love with a girl； but he's afraid to leave home to marry her。 He's engaged to her for five years。〃
〃Ten is a funnier number。〃
〃Right！ Make it ten years。 His mother shouldn't happen a dog。 Every time Toby wants to get married； his mother develops a new disease。 Time Magazine calls her every week to find out what's happening in medicine。〃
Toby sat there listening； fascinated by the fast flow of dialogue。 He had never worked with real professionals before； and he enjoyed it。 Particularly since he was the center of attention。 It took O'Hanlon and Rainger three weeks to write first act for Toby。 When they finally showed it to him he was thrilled。 It was good。 He made a few suggestions； they added and threw out some lines； and Toby Temple was ready。 Clifton Lawrence sent for him。
〃You're opening Saturday night at the Bowling Ball。〃 Toby stared at him。 He had had expectations of being booked into Giro's or the Trocadero。
〃What'swhat's the Bowling Ball？〃
〃A little club on south Western Avenue。〃
Toby's face fell。 〃I never heard of it。〃 〃
And they never heard of you。 That's the point； dear boy。 If you should bomb there； no one will ever know it。〃 Except Clifton Lawrence。
The Bowling Ball was a dump。 There was no other word to describe it。 It was a duplicate of ten thousand other sleazy little bars scattered throughout the country； a watering hole for losers。 Toby had played there a thousand times； in a thousand does。 The patrons were mostly middle…aged males； blue…collar workers indulging in their ritual get…together with their buddies； ogling the tired waitresses in their tight skirts and low…cut blouses； exchanging dirty jokes over a shot of cheap whiskey or a glass of beer。 The floor show took place in
