sidneysheldon.astrangerinthemirror-第13章
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e deep leather couch and made love to her。 That evening； Toby moved in with Alice Tanner。
In bed that night； Toby found that Alice Tanner was a pitifully lonely woman； desperate for someone to talk to； someone to love。 She had been born in Boston。 Her father was a wealthy manufacturer who had given her a large allowance and paid no further attention to her。 Alice had loved the theater and had studied to be an actress； but in college she had contracted polio and that had put an end to her dream。 She told Toby how it had affected her life。 The boy she was engaged to had jilted her when he learned the news。 Alice had left home and married a psychiatrist； who mitted suicide six months later。
It was as though all her emotions had been bottled up inside her。 Now they poured out in a violent eruption that left her feeling drained and peaceful and marvelously content。 Toby made love to Alice until she almost fainted with ecstasy； filling her with his huge penis and making slow circles with his hips until he seemed to be touching every part of her body。 She moaned； 〃Oh； darling； I love you so much。 Oh； God； how I love this！〃
But when it came to school； Toby found that he had no influence with Alice。 He talked to her about putting him in the next Showcase play； introducing him to casting directors； speaking to important studio people about him； but she was firm。
〃You'll hurt yourself if you push too fast； darling。 Rule one： the first impression you make is the most important。 If they don't like you the first time； they'll never go back to see you a second time。 You've got to be ready。〃
The instant the words were out； she became The Enemy。 She was against him。 Toby swallowed his fury and forced himself to smile at her。
〃Sure。 It's just that I'm impatient。 I want to make it for you as much as for me。〃
〃Do you？ Oh； Toby； I love you so much！〃
〃I love you； too； Alice。〃 And he smiled into her adoring eyes。
He knew he had to circumvent this bitch who was standing in the way of what he wanted。 He hated her and he punished her。 When they went to bed； he made her do things she had never done before； things he had never asked a whore to do； using her mouth and her fingers and her tongue。 He pushed her further and further； forcing her into a series of humiliations。 And each time he got her to do something more degrading； he would praise her； the way one praises a dog for learning a new trick； and she would be happy because she had pleased him。 And the more he degraded her； the more degraded he felt。 He was punishing himself； and he had not the faintest idea why。
Toby had a plan in mind； and his chance to put it into action came sooner than he had anticipated。 Alice Tanner announced that the Workshop class was going to put on a private show for the advanced classes and their guests on the following Friday。 Each student could choose his own project。 Toby prepared a monologue and rehearsed it over and over。
On the morning of the show； Toby waited until class was over and walked up to Karen； the fat actress who had sat next to him during the play。
〃Would you do me a favor？〃 he asked casually。
〃Sure； Toby。〃 Her voice was surprised and eager。
Toby stepped back to get away from her breath。
〃I'm gulling a gag on an old friend of mine。 I want you to telephone Clifton Lawrence's secretary and tell her you're Sam Goldwyn's secretary； and that Mr。 Goldwyn would like Mr。 Lawrence to e to the show tonight to see a brilliant new ic。 There'll be a ticket waiting for him at the box office。〃
Karen stared at him。 〃Jesus； old lady Tanner would have my head。 You know she never allows outsiders at the Workshop shows。〃
〃Believe me； it'll be all right。〃 He took her arm and squeezed it。 〃You busy this afternoon？〃
She swallowed； her breath ing a little faster。 〃Not not if you'd like to do something。〃
〃I'd like to do something。〃
Three hours later； an ecstatic Karen made the phone call。
The auditorium was filled with actors from the various classes and their guests； but the only person Toby had eyes for was the man who sat in an aisle seat in the third row。 Toby had been in a panic； fearful that his ruse would not work。 Surely a man as clever as Clifton Lawrence would see through the trick。 But he had not。 He was here。
A boy and girl were on stage now； doing a scene from The Sea Gull。 Toby hoped they would not drive Clifton Lawrence out of the theater。 Finally； the scene was finished； and the actors took their bows and left the stage。 It was Toby's turn。 Alice suddenly appeared at his side in the wings； whispering；
〃Good luck； darling〃； unaware that his luck was silting in the audience。
〃Thanks； Alice。〃
Toby breathed a silent prayer； straight ened his shoulders； bounced out on stage and smiled boyishly at the audience。
〃Hello； there。 I'm Toby Temple。 Hey； did you ever stop to think about names； and how our parents choose them？ It's crazy。 I asked my mother why she named me Toby。 She said she took one look at my mug； and that was it。〃 His look was what got the laugh。 Toby appeared so innocent and wistful； standing up there on that stage； that they loved him。 The jokes he told where terrible； but somehow that did not matter。 He was so vulnerable that they wanted to protect him； and they did it with their applause and their laughter。 It was like a gift of love that flowed into Toby； filling him with an almost unbearable exhilaration。 He was Edward G。 Robinson and Jimmy Cagney； and Cagney was saying； 〃You dirty rat！ Who do you think you're giving orders to？〃 And Robinson's； 〃To you； you punk。 I'm Little Caesar。 I'm the boss。 You're nuthin'。 Do you know what that means？〃 〃Yeah； you dirty rat。 You're the boss of nuthin'。〃 A roar。 The audience adored Toby。 Bogart was there； snarling； 〃I'd spit in your eye； punk； if my lip wasn't stuck over my teeth。〃 And the audience was enchanted。 Toby gave them his Peter Lorre。 〃I saw this little girl in her room； playing with it； and I got excited。 I don't know what came over me。 I couldn't help myself。 I crept into her room； and I pulled the rope tighter and tighter； and I broke her yoyo。〃 A big laugh。 He was rolling。 He switched over to Laurel and Hardy； and a movement in the audience caught his eye and he glanced up。 Clifton Lawrence was walking out of the theater。 The rest of the evening was a blur to Toby。
When the show was over； Alice Tanner came up to Toby。 〃You were wonderful； darling！ I。。。〃
He could not bear to look at her； to have anyone look at him。 He wanted to be alone with his misery； to try to cope with the pain that was tearing him apart。 His world had collapsed around him。 He had had his chance； and he had failed。 Clifton Lawrence had walked out on him； had not even waited for him to finish。 Clifton Lawrence was a man who knew talent； a professional who handled the best。 If Lawrence did not think Toby had anything。。。 He felt sick to his stomach。
〃I'm going for a walk；〃 he said to Alice。
He walked down Vine Street and Gower； past Columbia Pictures and RKO and Paramount。 All the gates were locked。
He walked along Hollywood Boulevard and looked up at the huge mocking sign on the hill that said； 〃hollywoodland〃。 There was no Hollywoodland。 It was a state of mind； a phony dream that lured thousands of otherwise normal people into the insanity of trying to bee a star。 The word Hollywood had bee a loadstone for miracles； a trap that seduced people with wonderful promises； siren songs of dreams fulfilled； and then destroyed them。 Toby walked the streets all night long； wondering what he was going to do with his life。 His faith in himself had been shattered and he felt rootless and adrift。 He had never imagined himself doing anything other than entertaining people； and if he could not do that； all that was left for him were dull； monotonous jobs where he would be caged up for the rest of his life。 Mr。 Anonymous。 No one would ever know who he was。 He thought of the long； dreary years； the bitter loneliness of a thousand nameless towns； of the people who had applauded him and laughed at him and loved him。 Toby wept。 He wept for the past and for the future。 He wept because he was dead。
It was dawn when Toby returned to
