iancaldwell&dustinthomason.theruleoffour-第65章

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　When　the　elevator　doors　open；　and　the　library　lobby　seems　weightless　in　the　wintry　light；　it　feels　like　we've　emerged　from　a　tunnel。　Every　time　I　think　of　that　Daedalus　riddle；　I　imagine　the　frog's　surprise　when；　for　the　first　time；　on　his　last　day；　three　steps　forward　are　not　followed　by　two　steps　back。　There　is　a　suddenness　at　the　top　of　the　well；　an　unexpected　quickening　of　the　journey　at　its　end；　that　I　feel　now。　The　riddle　I've　known　since　I　was　a　child…the　riddle　of　the　Hypnerotomachia…has　been　solved　in　less　than　a　day。
　We　click　through　the　turnstile　at　the　library's　front　border；　and　the　nip　of　the　wind　returns　beneath　the　entrance。　Paul　presses　the　door　open；　and　I　tighten　my　coat　around　me。　There　is　snow　everywhere；　no　stones　or　walls　or　shadows；　only　brilliant　tornadoes　of　white。　All　around　me　is　Chicago　and　Texas；　graduation；　Dod　and　home。　Here　I　am；　suddenly；　above　ground。
　　
　We　start　south。　On　the　way　back　to　the　dorm；　a　Dumpster　has　been　overturned。　Little　nests　of　garbage　poke　up　from　mounds　of　snow；　and　the　squirrels　are　at　them　already；　pulling　out　apple　cores　and　near…empty　bottles　of　lotion；　passing　everything　in　front　of　their　noses　before　beginning　to　eat。　They　are　discriminating　little　creatures。　Experience　has　taught　them　that　there　will　always　be　food　here；　replenished　every　day；　so　everywhere　nuts　and　acorns　go　unburied。　When　a　vulture…size　crow　lands　on　the　wheel　of　the　upturned　Dumpster；　expressing　priority；　the　squirrels　just　chitter　and　nibble；　ignoring　it。
　〃You　know　what　that　crow　makes　me　think　of？〃　Paul　says。
　I　shake　my　head；　and　the　bird　flies　off　angrily；　spreading　its　wings　to　a　fantastic　length；　escaping　with　a　single　bag　of　crumbs。
　〃The　eagle　that　killed　Aeschylus　by　dropping　a　tortoise　on　him；〃　Paul　says。
　I　have　to　glance　at　him　to　see　that　he's　serious。
　〃Aeschylus　was　bald；〃　he　continues。　〃The　eagle　was　trying　to　break　the　shell　open　by　dropping　it　on　a　rock。　It　couldn't　tell　the　difference。〃
　This　reminds　me　again　of　the　philosopher　who　fell　down　the　well。　Paul's　mind　is　always　doing　that；　tucking　the　present　into　the　past；　making　yesterday's　bed。
　〃If　you　could　be　anywhere　right　now；〃　I　ask　him；　〃where　would　it　be？〃
　He　looks　over　at　me；　amused。　〃Anywhere？〃
　I　nod。
　〃In　Rome；　with　a　shovel。〃
　A　squirrel　looks　up　from　a　slice　of　bread　he's　found；　watching　us。
　Paul　turns　to　me。　〃What　about　you？　Texas？〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Chicago？〃
　〃I　don't　know。〃
　We　pass　through　the　rear　courtyard　of　the　art　museum；　the　one　separating　it　from　Dod。　There　are　footprints　here；　back　and　forth　in　zigzags。
　〃You　know　what　Charlie　told　me？〃　he　says；　staring　at　the　marks　in　the　snow。
　〃What？〃
　〃If　you　fire　a　gun；　the　bullet　falls　as　fast　as　if　you'd　dropped　it。〃
　This　sounds　like　something　I　learned　in　introductory　physics。
　〃You　can　never　outrun　gravity；〃　Paul　says。　〃No　matter　how　fast　you　go；　you're　still　falling　like　a　rock。　It　makes　you　wonder　if　horizontal　motion　is　an　illusion。　If　we　move　just　to　convince　ourselves　we're　not　falling。〃
　〃Where　are　you　going　with　this？〃
　〃The　tortoise　shell；〃　he　says。　〃It　was　part　of　a　prophecy。　An　oracle　said　Aeschylus　would　die　of　a　blow　from　heaven。〃
　A　blow　from　heaven；　I　think。　God；　laughing。
　〃Aeschylus　couldn't　escape　an　oracle；〃　Paul　continues。　〃We　can't　escape　gravity。〃　He　weaves　his　fingers　together；　a　dovetail。　〃Heaven　and　earth；　speaking　in　one　voice。〃
　His　eyes　are　wide；　trying　to　take　in　everything；　a　kid　at　the　zoo。
　〃You　probably　say　that　to　all　the　girls；〃　I　tell　him。
　He　smiles。　〃Sorry。　Sensory　overload。　I'm　all　over　the　place。　I　don't　know　why。〃
　I　do。　There's　someone　else　to　worry　about　the　crypt　now；　someone　else　to　worry　about　the　Hypnerotomachia。　Atlas　feels　lighter　without　the　world　on　his　shoulders。
　〃It's　like　your　question；〃　he　says；　walking　backward　in　front　of　me　as　we　head　toward　the　room。　〃If　you　could　be　anywhere；　where　would　you　be？〃　He　opens　his　palms；　and　the　truth　seems　to　land　in　his　hands。　〃Answer：　it　doesn't　matter；　because　wherever　you　go；　you're　still　falling。〃
　He　smiles　when　he　says　it；　as　if　there's　nothing　depressing　about　the　idea　that　we're　all　just　in　free…fall。　The　ultimate　equality　of　going　anywhere；　doing　anything；　Paul　seems　to　mean；　is　that　being　in　Dod　with　me　is　as　good　as　being　in　Rome　with　a　shovel。　In　his　own　way；　I　think；　in　his　own　words；　what　he's　saying　is　that　he's　happy。
　He　fishes　for　his　key　and　slips　it　into　the　lock。　The　room　is　still　when　we　enter。　So　much　action　has　circled　this　place　since　yesterday；　break…ins　and　proctors　and　police　officers；　it's　unsettling　to　see　it　empty　and　dark。
　Paul　wanders　into　the　bedroom　to　put　down　his　coat。　Instinctively；　I　lift　the　phone　and　check　our　voicemail。
　Hey；　Tom；　Gil's　voice　begins；　through　a　hiss　of　static。　I'll　try　to　catch　up　to　you　guys　later　but　。　。　。　looks　like　I　won't　be　able　to　get　back　to　the　hospital　after　all　so　。　。　。　Charlie　for　me。　。　。　。　Tom　。　。　。　black　tie。　You　can　borrow　。　。　。　need　to。
　Black　tie。　The　ball。
　By　now　the　second　message　has　begun。
　Tom；　it's　Katie。　Just　wanted　to　let　you　know　I'm　going　to　the　club　to　help　set　up　as　soon　as　I'm　done　here　in　the　darkroom。　I　think　you　said　you　were　ing　with　Gil。　A　pause。　So　I　guess　we'll　talk　tonight。
　There's　a　hesitation　before　she　hangs　up；　as　if　she's　unsure　she　put　the　right　emphasis　on　those　last　words；　the　reminder　of　unfinished　business。
　〃What's　going　on？〃　Paul　calls　from　the　bedroom。
　〃I　have　to　get　ready；〃　I　say　quietly；　sensing　the　turn　things　are　taking。
　Paul　es　out　of　the　room。　〃For　what？〃
　〃The　ball。〃
　He　doesn't　understand。　I　never　told　him　what　Katie　and　I　talked　about　in　the　darkroom。　What　I've　seen　today；　everything　he's　told　me；　has　turned　the　world　on　its　ear。　But　in　the　silence　that　follows；　I　find　myself　standing　where　I've　stood　before。　The　ancient　mistress；　forsworn；　has　returned　to　tempt　me。　There　is　a　cycle　here　which；　until　this　moment；　I've　been　too　engrossed　to　break。　Colonna's　book　flatters　me　with　visions　of　perfection；　an　unreality　I　can　inhabit　for　the　tiny　price　of　my　mad　devotion；　my　withdrawal　from　the　world。　Francesco；　having　invented　this　strange　bargain；　also　invented　its　name：　Hypnerotomachia；　the　struggle　for　love　in　a　dream。　If　ever　there　were　a　time　to　stay　grounded；　to　resist　that　struggle　and　its　dream…if　ever　there　were　a　time　to　remember　a　love　that　has　devoted　itself　madly　to　me；　to　remember　the　promise　I　made　to　Katie…that　time　is　now。
　〃What's　wrong？〃　Paul　asks。
　I　don't　know　how　to　tell　him。　I'm　not　even　sure　what　to　tell　him。
　〃Here；〃　I　say；　extending　my　arm。
　But　he　doesn't　move。
　〃Take　the　map。〃
　〃Why？〃　At　first　he　only　looks　puzzled；　still　too　excited　to　follow。
　〃I　can't　do　it；　Paul。　I'm　sorry。〃
　His　smile　fades。　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃I　can't　work　on　this　anymore。〃　I　place　the　map　in　his　hand。　〃It's　yours。〃
　〃It's　ours；〃　he　says；　wondering　what's　e　over　me。
　But　it　isn't。　It　doesn't　belong　to　us；　from　the　beginning；　we　have　belonged　to　the　book。
　〃I'm　sorry。　I　can't　do　it。〃
　Not　here；　not　in　Chicago；　not　in　Rome。
　〃You　did　it；〃　he　says。　〃It's　done。　All　we　need　is　the　blueprint　for　the　lock。〃
　The　certainty　of　it；　though；　is　already　between　us。　A　look　is　crawling　into　his　eyes；　a　drowning　look；　as　if　the　force　that　once　buoyed　him　up　has　suddenly　let　him　down；　and　all　the　world　is　topsy…turvy。　We　have　spent　so　much　time　together　that　I　can　see　it　without　his　even　having　to　say　a　word：　the　freedom　I　feel；　my　emancipation　from　a　chain　of　events　that　began　before　I　was　born；　is　mirrored　in　reverse　with　him。
　〃It's　not　either/or；〃　he　says；　gathering　himself　up。　〃You　could　have　both　if　you　wanted　to。〃
　〃I　don't　think　so。〃
　〃Your　father　did。〃
　But　he　knows　my　father　didn't。
　〃You　don't　need　my　help；〃　I　tell　him。　〃You've　got　what　you　want。〃
　But　I　know　he　doesn't。
　A　strange　silence　follows；　each　of　us　sensing　that　the　other　is　right；　but　that　neither　of　us　is　wrong。　The　math　of　morality　falters。　He　looks　as　if　he　wants　to　plead　with　me；　to　make　his　case　one　last　time；　but　it's　hopeless　and　he　knows　it。
　Instead；　Paul　quietly　repeats　a　joke　I've　heard　a　thousand　times　from　Gil。　He's　got　no　other　words　for　what　he's　feeling。