iancaldwell&dustinthomason.theruleoffour-第50章

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。　They　all　breathe…but　Aristotle　says　that　insects　do　not　inhale。　They　never　learn　from　their　mistakes；　for　Aristotle　says　that　many　animals　have　memory　。　。　。　but　no　other　creature　except　man　can　recall　the　past　at　will。　But　even　men　fail　to　learn　from　the　past。　By　that　yardstick；　we　are　all　of　us　blind　beetles　and　night…owls。
　On　Thursday；　the　fourth　of　March；　I　reached　the　high…water　mark　of　my　time　with　the　Hypnerotomachia。　That　day　I　spent　fourteen　hours　rereading　sections　of　six　Renaissance　natural　historians　and　making　twenty…one　single…space　pages　of　notes。　I　went　to　no　classes；　ate　all　three　meals　at　my　desk；　and　slept　exactly　three　and　a　half　hours　that　night。　I　hadn't　seen　Frankenstein　in　weeks。　The　only　other　thoughts　that　had　crossed　my　mind　were　of　Katie；　and　those　just　pelled　me　to　make　an　even　greater　shambles　of　my　life。　The　sheer　mastery　of　myself　was　addictive。　Something　must've　been；　because　I'd　made　almost　no　progress　on　the　riddle。
　〃Shut　the　books；〃　Charlie　finally　said　that　Friday　night；　taking　a　stand。　He　pulled　me　by　the　collar　in　front　of　a　mirror。　〃Look　at　yourself。〃
　〃I'm　fine…〃　I　began；　ignoring　the　lupine　thing　that　stared　back　at　me；　all　red　eyes　and　pink　nose　and　scruff。
　But　Gil　stood　at　Charlie's　side。　〃Tom；　you　look　like　hell。〃　He　stepped　into　the　bedroom；　something　he　hadn't　done　in　weeks。　〃Listen；　she　wants　to　talk　to　you。　Stop　being　so　stubborn。〃
　〃I'm　not　being　stubborn。　I've　just　got　other　things　to　do。〃
　Charlie　grimaced。　〃Like　what；　Paul's　thesis？〃
　I　scowled；　waiting　for　Paul　to　stand　up　for　me。　But　he　just　stood　there　behind　them；　silent。　For　more　than　a　week　he'd　hoped　that　an　answer　was　just　around　the　bend；　that　I　was　making　progress　against　the　riddle；　just　painful　progress。
　〃We're　going　to　the　arch　sing　at　Blair；〃　Gil　said；　meaning　the　Friday　a　cappella　concert　held　outdoors。
　〃All　four　of　us；〃　Charlie　added。
　Gil　gently　closed　the　book　beside　me。　〃Katie's　going　to　be　there。　I　told　her　you'd　e。〃
　But　when　I　flipped　the　book　back　open　and　said　I　wasn't　going；　I　remember　the　look　that　crossed　his　face。　It　was　one　Gil　had　never　given　me　before…one　he'd　always　reserved　for　Parker　Hassett　and　the　occasional　class　clown　who　didn't　know　when　to　stop。
　〃You're　ing；〃　Charlie　said；　stepping　toward　me。
　But　Gil　waved　him　off。　〃Forget　it。　Let's　just　go。〃
　Then　I　was　alone。
　　
　It　wasn't　stubbornness　or　pride；　or　even　devotion　to　Colonna；　that　kept　me　away　from　Blair　Arch。　It　was　heartache；　I　think；　and　defeat。　The　fact　is　that　I　loved　Katie；　and　also；　in　an　odd　way；　that　I　loved　the　Hypnerotomachia；　and　that　I'd　failed　to　win　either　of　them。　The　look　on　Paul's　face　as　he　left　meant　he　knew　I'd　lost　my　chance　with　the　riddle；　whether　I　knew　it　or　not；　and　the　look　on　Gil's　face　as　he　left　meant　he　knew　I'd　done　the　same　with　Katie。　Staring　at　a　group　of　woodcuts　in　the　Hypnerotomachia…the　same　ones　Taft　would　use　in　his　lecture　a　month　later；　the　ones　of　Cupid　driving　women　into　a　forest　on　a　burning　chariot…I　thought　of　Carracci's　engraving。　Here　I　was；　being　pummeled　by　the　little　boy　as　my　two　loves　looked　on。　This　was　what　my　father　meant；　the　lesson　he'd　hoped　I　would　learn。　Our　hardships　cannot　move　him。　Love　conquers　all。
　The　two　hardest　things　to　contemplate　in　life；　Richard　Curry　once　told　Paul；　are　failure　and　age；　and　those　are　one　and　the　same。　Perfection　is　the　natural　consequence　of　eternity：　wait　long　enough；　and　anything　will　realize　its　potential。　Coal　bees　diamonds；　sand　bees　pearls；　apes　bee　men。　It's　simply　not　given　to　us；　in　one　lifetime；　to　see　those　consummations；　and　so　every　failure　bees　a　reminder　of　death。
　But　love　lost　is　a　special　kind　of　failure；　I　think。　It's　a　reminder　that　some　consummations；　no　matter　how　devoutly　wished　for；　never　e；　that　some　apes　will　never　be　men；　not　in　all　the　world's　ages。　What's　a　monkey　to　think；　who　with　a　typewriter　and　eternity　still　can't　eke　out　Shakespeare？　To　hear　Katie　say　that　she　wanted　to　make　it　final；　that　she　and　I　were　finished；　would　stunt　all　my　sense　of　possibility。　To　watch　her　there；　beneath　Blair　Arch；　warming　herself　in　Donald　Morgan's　arms；　would　strip　the　pearls　and　diamonds　from　my　future。
　And　then　it　happened：　just　as　I'd　reached　the　full　bloom　of　self…pity；　a　knock　came　at　the　door。　It　was　followed　by　a　turning　of　the　knob；　and　the　same　way　it　had　happened　a　hundred　times　before；　Katie　let　herself　in。　Beneath　her　coat　I　could　see　she　was　wearing　my　favorite　of　her　sweaters；　the　emerald…colored　one　that　matched　her　eyes。
　〃You're　supposed　to　be　at　the　arch　sing〃　was　the　first　thing　I　managed　to　say；　and　of　all　the　monkey…written　binations；　it　was　probably　the　worst。
　〃So　are　you；〃　she　said；　staring　me　up　and　down。
　I　knew　how　I　must　look　to　her。　The　wolf　Charlie　had　shown　me　in　the　mirror　was　the　one　Katie　saw　now。
　〃Why　are　you　here？〃　I　said；　glancing　at　the　door。
　〃They're　not　ing。〃　She　forced　herself　back　into　my　focus。　〃I'm　here　so　you　can　apologize。〃
　For　a　second　I　thought　Gil　had　put　her　up　to　this；　inventing　something　about　how　bad　I　felt；　how　I　just　didn't　know　what　to　say。　But　another　glance　told　me　otherwise。　She　knew　I　had　no　intention　of　saying　I　was　sorry。
　〃Well？〃
　〃You　think　this　is　my　fault？〃　I　asked。
　〃Everyone　does。〃
　〃What　everyone？〃
　〃Do　it；　Tom。　Apologize。〃
　Arguing　with　her　was　only　making　me　angrier　with　myself。
　〃Fine。　I　love　you。　I　wish　things　had　worked　out。　I'm　sorry　they　didn't。〃
　〃If　you　wish　things　had　worked　out；　why　didn't　you　do　anything？〃
　〃Look　at　me；〃　I　told　her。　The　four…day　beard；　the　unkempt　hair。　〃This　is　what　I　did。〃
　〃You　did　that　for　the　book。〃
　〃It's　the　same　thing。〃
　〃I'm　the　same　as　the　book？〃
　〃Yes。〃
　She　glared　at　me　as　if　I'd　dug　myself　a　hole。　But　she　knew　what　I　was　about　to　say；　she'd　just　never　accepted　it。
　〃My　father　spent　his　life　on　the　Hypnerotomachia；〃　I　told　her。　〃I've　never　felt　more　excited　than　when　I'm　working　on　it。　I　lose　sleep　over　it；　I　don't　eat　because　of　it；　I　have　dreams　about　it。〃　I　found　myself　looking　around；　searching　for　words。　〃I　don't　know　how　else　to　say　it。　It's　like　going　to　the　battlefield　to　see　your　tree。　Being　near　it　makes　me　feel　like　everything's　right；　like　I'm　not　lost　anymore。〃　I　kept　my　eyes　away　from　her。　〃So　are　you　the　same　as　the　book　to　me？　Yes。　Of　course　you　are。　You're　the　only　thing　that's　the　same　as　the　book　to　me。〃
　I　made　a　mistake。　I　thought　I　could　have　you　both。　I　was　wrong。
　〃Why　am　I　here；　Tom？〃
　〃To　rub　it　in。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃To　make　me　apologi…〃
　〃Tom。〃　She　stopped　me　with　a　look。　〃Why　am　I　here？〃
　Because　you　feel　the　same　way　I　do。
　Yes。
　Because　this　was　too　important　to　leave　it　up　to　me。
　Yes。
　〃What　do　you　want？〃　I　said。
　〃I　want　you　to　stop　working　on　the　book。〃
　〃That's　all？〃
　〃That's　all？　That's　all？〃
　Now；　suddenly；　emotion。
　〃I'm　supposed　to　feel　sorry　for　you　because　you　gave　up　on　us　to　act　like　a　slob　and　live　in　that　book？　You　ass；　I　spent　four　days　with　my　shades　down　and　my　door　locked。　Karen　called　my　parents。　My　mom　flew　down　from　New　Hampshire。〃
　〃I'm　sor…〃
　〃Shut　up。　It　isn't　your　turn　to　talk。　I　went　out　to　the　battlefield　to　see　my　tree；　and　I　couldn't。　I　couldn't；　because　now　it's　our　tree。　I　can't　listen　to　music；　because　every　song　is　something　we　sang　in　the　car；　or　in　my　room；　or　in　here。　It　takes　me　an　hour　to　get　ready　for　class；　because　I　feel　like　I'm　dazed　half　the　time。　I　can't　find　my　socks；　I　can't　find　my　favorite　black　bra。　Donald's　always　asking　me；　'Honey；　what's　wrong；　Honey；　what's　wrong？'　Nothing's　wrong；　Donald。〃　She　pushed　her　wrists　into　her　cuffs　and　blotted　her　eyes。
　〃That's　not　wh…〃　I　began　again。
　But　it　still　wasn't　my　turn。
　〃At　least　with　Peter　I　could　understand。　We　weren't　perfect　together。　He　loved　lacrosse　more　than　he　loved　me；　I　knew　that。　He　wanted　to　get　me　in　bed；　and　after　that　he　lost　interest。〃　She　moved　a　hand　through　her　hair；　trying　to　push　away　the　bangs　that　had　gotten　snarled　in　tears。　〃But　you。　I　fought　for　you。　I　waited　a　month　before　I　let　you　kiss　me　the　first　time。　I　cried　the　night　after　we　slept　together；　because　I　thought　I　was　going　to　lose　you。〃　She　stopped；　galled　by　the　thought。　〃And　now　I'm　losing　you